How do you write description?

[Lief Erikson]

I'm curious what techniques people here use to write description. How does it flow, for you? What makes it work well, when you write it?

I personally am particularly interested right now in how to write vivid battle scenes. I've written a book and I feel like its action sequences are somewhat weak. Mainly that's because it feels like the bones of a drama, and I need the flesh and blood on it.

I'll post a scene here so you guys know what I mean.

[Lief Erikson]

*Here's one of my somewhat troublesome bits. Do any of you have recommendations on how to improve the description, how to make the scene more vivid? In much of the fighting it shows straight action, so and so hitting so and so, but not a lot in the way of words making you feel those blows or see the combatants. Do any of you have thoughts on how to improve it? Of how to make combat scenes more exciting, the characters' appearances and actions and feelings more real? I can't promise I'll act on all suggestions, but I'm interested to hear people's thoughts on this topic and any general insights you have, or examples of scenes you've written, which show how you use description. Particularly (for my own interest and because of my own difficulties) combat scene description.*




Spendius was feeling excited. He knew what he was doing was for the best, the annihilation of officers loyal to Hamilcar and the rise of a liberated army and a liberated Libya. Personal freedom and peace for Spendius were the goals, but he was aware that many people would benefit from his labors. He saw Baalhanno, the great, barrel chested warrior from Sicily standing in the distance, shouting out orders to the troops around him to gather. He had nearly sixty men with him already, armored and ready for action. The general apparently had expected an attempt on his life and was gathering his other men to his support now, determined to crush this uprising. While Baalhanno was prepared for an attempt on his life, he hadn’t been prepared for an attempt on all the officers in the mercenary army. His enemies numbered too many, and he had gathered too few loyal men he could depend on to repel the insurgency.

Spendius knew Baalhanno a little, in Sicily. His Spaniards were savage when they knew they had the advantage, but tonight they looked worried. They heard cries from all over the camp and didn’t know how many enemies they faced.

But the men with Baalhanno were too many for Spendius to overcome now through a direct attack. He only had eighteen Libyans at the moment. Spendius turned to his men quickly, gave them their orders and then hid with them among the tents.

“To the general!” Baalhanno’s Spaniards were crying. “To the general!”

Some armored men began running out of their tents, wearing thick furs in the night to defend against the cold. Spendius and his men covered themselves in their furs and in a huddle, joined the stream of men filling Baalhanno’s battle lines. Baalhanno was smart enough to keep the newcomers on the outside of his huddle, keeping his loyal fifty handpicked men in the center around him as the other men assembled. He was not smart enough, however, to stop a suicidal, crazy man.

“I bring a message from Mil’kherem!” Spendius shouted. He whispered quickly for his men to follow as they came to the edge of the Spanish line. “A message for Baalhanno!”

Baalhanno hurried up to him when he heard the shouts. His great, brass armor glittered in the flickering of the torches. He carried short sword and shield. He had armored quickly, as had those of his men that weren’t ready to begin with. He was the single and greatest problem to Spendius’ attempt on the camp.

“What is it?” Baalhanno exclaimed, sharply. He moved too close to the edge of his ring of men and Spendius and the eight men he’d brought with him all attacked at once. Five of Baalhanno’s Spanish guards, stunned by the audacity of the infiltrators in their midst, were chopped limb from limb in a second, their heads and arms covering the snowfield with gore. Spendius and two other soldiers attacked Baalhanno then like wildcats, even as his other men tried to grasp what was going on. They were shocked by the sounds of ten Libyans surrounding the camp making enough racket with their defeaning hollering to account for forty. Their arrows and spears hurtled into the clump of soldiers outside Baalhanno’s tent, forcing men back into a more compact mass, clenching them together in a knot with Spendius and his companions near the center. Baalhanno split the right arm and hand of one of Spendius’ warriors with a well placed hack and the man fell to the ground screaming, his sword flying away into the night and disappearing. Spendius tried to circle Baalhanno but there wasn’t space with his men and his enemies clumped so close all around. While his followers outside the bundle were providing an excellent distraction, creating confusion and terror, they also hindered his ability to reach Baalhanno.

He desperately plunged through the mass. His men around him were fighting to the death against the Spaniards who were close enough to fight, and men on both sides were dying. Spendius couldn’t take the losses; he had to act fast. In the crush, Baalhanno couldn’t move his shield. Spendius’ second man managed to grab the edge of the shield and shove it down, sticking his blade over it to gauge at Baalhanno’s face. His sword raked the general’s face, cutting off his nose and gauging through both the warrior’s cheeks, but Baalhanno smashed his own sword straight through the warrior’s neck and out the other end. Baalhanno ripped his blade out, his face grinning his vengeance, but Spendius managed to stab him in the left arm. Baalhanno twisted about and lashed out at him, but couldn’t reach him and the two were squeezed apart from one another in the crush of men.

Spendius and Baalhanno’s eyes locked. Baalhanno knew Spendius, and there was no contempt in Baalhanno’s eyes. A faint surge of respect was in Baalhanno’s face, even though Baalhanno saw in Spendius a despicable traitor. His was the respect of a warrior who knew real daring when it stared him in the face. Then Baalhanno was shoved out of Spendius’ sight by the crush of men, and Spendius hacked at his foes and they hacked at him and he struggled to keep standing; if he fell he would be trampled and crushed. He caught sight of his remaining men, four of them gathered nearby him, and he managed to make himself heard. They chopped their way into Baalhanno’s tent, only one of them falling, stabbed thrice on his way. Eight of the Spaniards tried to follow them there and in the luxuriously furnished tent’s entrance, the three Libyans and their Campanian chieftain fought them raggedly, like desperate animals in a trap. Their foes couldn’t pass through the tent entrance all together. Some were sawing at the fabric. Someone set it on fire and it began to burn. The soldiers crushing through the entrance took heavy losses but suddenly they had burst in and Spendius and his men were fighting for their lives. Two of Spendius’ men went down, writhing in pain with three of their foes sprawling dead around them. Spendius and his last surviving man each had one man left to face, until a third Spaniard came to the entrance with wild eyes and a big ax. He saw what was going on and rushed Spendius.

Spendius’ fellow soldier managed to batter off his attacker with his shield and then put his ax into the man’s shoulder, knocking him out of the fight. He kicked him into the floor and then turned to help Spendius, who was desperately fighting both Spaniards and was retreating across the floor toward the rear of the tent. He tripped over something and lost his footing, and the man with the ax jumped on him and swung for his chest. The weapon caught Spendius’ blade and knocked it out of his hand, but his block had taken enough of the impact to keep the ax from cutting him deep. He took the opportunity of his enemy being bent over to stab his knife through both the soldier’s wrists in a single blow. The man dropped the ax and fell away with a grunt, taking the knife with him, as the second Spaniard advanced to give Spendius the fatal thrust.

But then he backed up as Spendius’ Libyan companion came to his help, fighting the man toward the tent wall. The Spaniard tried to flee from the Libyan but his enemy was too fast for him, gauging his side with his sword and throwing the soldier toppling over against the other side of the tent, near the entrance. The Spaniard tried to get up, managed it, and staggered out.

Spendius had risen by then and picked up his weapons again. Sticking the bloody knife under his belt, he took the big, fallen man’s ax and smashed it through the still living Spanish warrior’s skull. Then, sword in one hand and ax in the other, he and his companion rushed out of the tent and fled into the night.

Men were fleeing in every direction. The huddle had at last broken and scattered, and it was impossible now to distinguish friend from foe. Some men of the camp were killing each other heedlessly. Some of Spendius’ men were killing each other in the confusion, and some of the defenders loyal to their officers also slew each other in the commotion.

Spendius knew that this chaos was to his advantage, though. It also proved something vital: The officers had entirely failed. Now was the time of chaos, and where chaos reigned radicals had the opportunity to rise. The victory that Spendius sought was the insanity of this wild, bloodthirsty camp so crazed right now with panic.

[Acalewia]

I see nothing wrong with it. You have plenty of details to form a picture in a person's mind. I can see the blood and frailing limb and body parts littering the snow. I can feel the cold and the warmth of soldiers packed together. I can smell the blood and the cold.

What are you seeing wrong with it?

[Lief Erikson]

I've read better. I want to do better, to find a way to make it more vivid. I know it's pretty good, but I'm still looking to improve and I know people on this forum often have better understanding of imagery and description than I do.

[katya]

Well, this is probably pretty obvious, but I try to describe things to all the senses. How things look, sound, smell, taste, feel. I try to use really realistic details too, that you wouldn't really think of unless you were right there like glare on a TV screen when you're trying to watch something or something like that. That's the only example I can think of right now. Also, after skimming over your excerpt briefly, "He tripped over something and lost his footing" stood out to me as feeling kind of lazy.

[Lief Erikson]

Good point. I originally left it just "something" because it's supposed to be dark and everyone's in a rush, so in those circumstances you wouldn't always know what it was you tripped on, but I guess that doesn't actually matter. I'll edit to put in what was tripped over. Thanks very much for the broader thoughts, too! When I look again at my scenes, I'll concentrate more on senses I don't usually write to, like smell or taste. I've heard that advice before, but it's been a while and I've never really tried to implement it in my fiction writing. I'll make more of an effort now to do so.

[ecthelion]

*this is my opinion, not absolute knowledge *

I have one thing in mind, which I think your story lacks, which is detail.
You don't read good novel with descriptions of the type:

"Five of Baalhanno’s Spanish guards, stunned by the audacity of the infiltrators in their midst, were chopped limb from limb in a second,"
Here you could cover one example out of the five more specifically, something like: "Five of Baalhanno’s Spanish guards, stunned by the audacity of the infiltrators in their midst, were swiftly overcome. Baalhanno could see his friend Xiu's right arm being chopped at the elbow in one terrible downward stroke, along with half of his right leg,"

"their heads and arms covering the snowfield with gore".
again, don't generalize, detail: "spilled blood, bone fragments, heads cut at the neck with the dying scream still on their lips".

"He caught sight of his remaining men, four of them gathered nearby him"
try names, or ranks, a bit less anonymous makes for more reality and more empathy.

"He took the opportunity of his enemy being bent over to stab his knife through both the soldier’s wrists in a single blow"
I can't easily image this in my mind. Maybe paint it more realistically, try rehearsing the moves with another person, and maybe try to use aome more poetic vocabulary, instead of 'stab', use 'nail together', istead of blow (which is inaccurate here) use 'drive', or 'thrust' (there's probably something better).

Good luck!

[Valandil]

Hey Lief,

I'll make some comments that struck me - although I don't think that I'm so good at writing battle scenes myself, and my own tastes in them may be different from yours:

* It seems a bit wordy (I'm one to talk here ), which I think slows the pace.
* I'm a little confused about what's going on and who is aligned with whom - especially at the start. At first I thought we'd be on a battlefield, then it seemed like an attacking army was approaching a camp, then I realized it was some kind of uprising in a camp (right?). I didn't pick up at first whether Spendius was on the same side as Baalhanno or the opposite side. I suppose in the context of the greater story this will be easier for the reader to see.
* If this is a general uprising of a camp against a small core group of commanders, why does Spendius have fewer men gathered to him than the core group? Where is everyone else?
* I think some of the sentences could be re-written a little tighter, and some points of information might need re-arranging - it seems choppy - skips around.
* Some of the verbs used could be switched for something else ('managed' is used a few times, and just doesn't feel right) - and some of the verb cases are too complex (a 'had risen', etc).
* Spelling Nazi: I'm assuming that 'defeaning' should be 'deafening' / 'gauge', 'gauged' and 'gauging' should be 'gouge', 'gouged' and 'gouging'
* 'snowfield'? Is this the Libya in northern Africa? Do they get snow there?
* The one guy - Baalhanno - kept fighting with his face chopped up, and was even able to look his adversary in the eye?
* I don't understand why, in this critical situation (facing an apparent uprising) Baalhanno's men would even allow Spendius and his men to get so close. Or if so - if these men are on their guard, how long will they stay surprised once the others start the swordplay?
* If Spendius and his men retreated inside a tent - wouldn't their opponents just cut down the tent supports and let it fall on top of them? Then they could easily make mincemeat of them.

Hope I'm not being too critical - and don't let my comments discourage you. Like I say, I don't feel like I'm very good at battle scenes. I mostly tend to minimize what I write on them and gloss over the event - rather than attempt to give a 'blow-by-blow' account. And I don't particularly enjoy most of the 'blow-by-blow' accounts that I read, so I am probably not a very good judge of this type of thing.

[Willow Oran]

At first glance, definitely a bit too wordy.

Something to keep in mind that might help is that when you write action scenes - especially violent action scenes - is that the character will be sensing, thinking, and reacting more instinctively and at a faster pace than in quieter scenes.

Assuming you're using 3rd limited or closer and not using a retrospective pov, the reader should only be getting quick flashes of vivid, heightened detail, with the rest of the scene coming through as a bit blurred, because that's how the character would be most likely to be perceiving things.

Also be sure to consider rhythm and pacing - the impact of the description will be greater if these are evocative of the scene being described; and use of poetic techniques can be very helpful in achieving that effect.

[Lief Erikson]

Thanks very much! I really appreciate all these comments and criticisms; they're exactly what I was hoping for when I started this thread.

I'm going to have to make a lot of changes to my battle scenes, I think.

I'm planning to edit the story to try to better take into account all of your suggestions.

And Val, I actually have already made the change to my book about the snowfield. They don't have snows in Tunisia in winter, and this is taking place in Tunisia. So I got rid of the snowfield from my book.

The rest I've really got to work on. I think better detail would help many parts of my story, not just the battle scenes. Though the battle scenes are where this stands out the most, so that's where I'm particularly asking for help. Somehow my description writing has always been weak. But I believe I can improve.

I think I'll start taking some time for an hour or two a day, a few days a week, to concentrate on battle scenes and edit or rewrite them. Most of the time, like Val, I distance myself from battles and don't spend that much time writing them. Other times, though, it seems to me I need to do some blow by blow action. So I'll try to incorporate that more.

[Earniel]

I have no experience with writing battle scenes, so take this comment as you will.

Originally Posted by Willow Oran

Something to keep in mind that might help is that when you write action scenes - especially violent action scenes - is that the character will be sensing, thinking, and reacting more instinctively and at a faster pace than in quieter scenes.

I strongly agree with this. I also find shorter sentences lend themselves better for battlefields. IMO they tend to portray better the chaotic characteristic of a battle.

Spendius was feeling excited. He knew what he was doing was for the best, the annihilation of officers loyal to Hamilcar and the rise of a liberated army and a liberated Libya. Personal freedom and peace for Spendius were the goals, but he was aware that many people would benefit from his labors. He saw Baalhanno, the great, barrel chested warrior from Sicily standing in the distance, shouting out orders to the troops around him to gather.

This part I would (personally) rewrite something like this:

Spendius was excited. He believed in the task before him, he knew it was for the best. The annihilation of officers loyal to Hamilcar would lead to the rise of a liberated army, and a liberated Libya. Spendius's own motives in all this were personal freedom and peace. Yet he was well aware that many people would benefit from his labors. Finally he espied his intended target not far off: a great, barrel-chested warrior from Sicily. Baalhanno. Spendius watched as the general was loudly ordering his troops to gather.

I also notice you use personal names a lot more than descriptives. You might find the text flows better if you change a few of the 'Spendius' and 'Baalhanno's' into 'the general', 'his opponent', 'the Silcilian warrior', etc. The same goes for the following part, you've got three consecutive sentences all starting with 'he':

He carried short sword and shield. He had armored quickly, as had those of his men that weren’t ready to begin with. He was the single and greatest problem to Spendius’ attempt on the camp.

A bit more diversity (sometimes, just in the word-order) might improve fluity. (I should take this advise myself, since people still have to point my he/she repetitions out to me.)