Death

[crickhollow]

Laughter is a form of release as well.

[Starr Polish]

There is nothing wrong with not being able to cry. There are several stages of grief, and everyone goes through them differently.

Death has been weighing heavily on my mind, since within the last month I have experienced it twice, indirectly (the death of a student from my school and a good friend's unexpected loss of her father).

[The Gaffer]

It sounds to me that, if I was in their position, having someone like you around, ArwenEvenstar, would make the whole ordeal much more bearable. Stick with it.

[Valandil]

Originally posted by ArwenEvenstar
I just got back from the party type thing after the funeral (well it resembled a party there was lots of drinking and laughing etc;... involved) and it just seemed really weird becasue people who were sobbing less then 12 hours ago were laughing, eating and drinking. Except for her fiancé (I know that's not spelt right . . .), I spent almost the whole night just sitting around and talking with him and her father. It was kinda odd, 'cause towards the end of the night I got them both laughing and we were joking and being happy. I think that some of the alcholic beverges had something to do with it though. But Jonathon (her fiancé[sp]) told me that I have a gift for making people laugh even when they're really depressed. I told my dad that and he said it was 'cause I was an idiot, but I wasn't really listening to him 'cause he was sloshed

ArwenEvenstar... that is a gift, and a wonderful gift. Don't let your father's words bother you... sometimes family members play 'hardball' with each other for no reason. Maybe the best thing to do there would be to play it straight for awhile, then try real hard to crack your dad up when you get a nice opportunity. Then don't press the issue... he'll see!

The first funeral I went to was for my grandfather. I was 14. I was really surprised when after the burial, we went to the basement of my grandma's church and there was a big dinner set out (no drinking of course... it WAS a church basement). And everyone seemed so happy, and laughing so much - even my grandma. I guess it's all part of how we deal with these things. And now that I've switched my numbers around (I'm 41!) - it seems more normal. The feelings and thoughts are certainly different though when it's a young person of 22, rather than a man of 79 who lived a full life... but the pain must be much the same.

Please continue to post here on this and let us know how you're doing. If you want to, also how her family and fiance are doing as well.

[ArwenEvenstar]

Ok, I will do that Valandil. Everyone's doing ok I guess. I made probably the most sarcastic threat to her fiancé two days ago, it was something along the lines of "If you start drinking I'll beat you" He burst out laughing becasue I'm 5'1 ands he's along the lines of 6'6 and the little sister who barely comes up to my elbow started actually trying to. It was quite amusing, I wish I had a camera!

[elvishfaerie3088]

Hope you don't mind i post my story here too, it's titaled for such a story. It just happened thursday everything is slowly being released.

Two are dead i'm not sure wether i should cry or be in a furry of anger at the media at the driver of the truck. A truck t-boned a van...a van which just happened to be carrying our school's High School 'A' team boys basketball team. Two Dead, two who are we great students and physically fit and outstanding players on the team and off the team. Friends weren't hard to come by for them. Death takes a toll on everyone this story has now gone international, were just a small little town that needs to be left alone to think things through we need time but all we get is **** pushed in our faces. Dead at the scene....dead upon arrival (DOA) one of them that died was Ryan Wiens(gr.12) his parents were driving behind them, their only son killed. Another killed, Kyle Katrowski(gr.12) just accepted to university a girlfriend of four years and many friends just like Ryan, except Kyle was NOT an only child. The media has no idea how it's affecting us, how were terrified and in pain and anger. The media is wrong, Ryan wasn't dead at the scene he was just barely alive a fellow student also in the van gave him CPR but to no avail. All this has done has brought tears to this small community and crisis workers, when will it all just...Stop. 4 in critical including the driver who has a broken back will he walk again, no one knows. Shaun Kormos (gr.10) is in a como and severe concusion to the head, severe internal bleeding in the liver and a shattered arm and leg. Jesse visser (gr.10) broken pelvis. Justin Huddle (gr.11) broken leg...shattered. Everyone is banged up who knows if they'll make it or if this community will go through another unfortunate death. 7 were in hospital but one was released the one who preformed CPR. 6 left one is the brother of Shaun Kormos, Wes Kormos (gr.12) no one really knows whats wrong with him but upon arrival at the hospital he asked for his brother, would you want to tell him that his brother was in critical condition in a coma, that their not sure if he'll make it? Justin Fynn (gr.11) broken jaw and will need major cosmetic surgery. Many others that i can't even begin to describe names flood to mind, but no idea if their still there or not or how their doing. Would you want to be the parent of one of the boys who died, would you want to be the parent of the boy in a coma, do you want to be the boy who performed CPR but to no avail to loose some of his best friends? How anyone surrived i'll never know, how they pulled through when they found out those 2 were dead and 4 in critical i'll never know. I'll give them this though, they're strong, stronger than i could ever be.

[Starr Polish]

Also, the "party" after the funeral is supposed to help remind people of the good times that were had with the person that passed away, and to remember them in good light, instead of being sad. More likely than not the person who died would like to see his/her family members and friends happy, rather than sad at their parting...and, depending on your religious beliefs, they have hopefully passed to a better place.

I went to my friend's house today. She didn't come to school, but that's completely understandable. We havne't really been close until the last couple of weeks, and I'm glad I have become a bigger part of her life, because I want to help her. Some other friends accompanied us, and we each gave her huge, long hugs, and just let her talk about what she wanted to talk about. I've found, in my few experiences with death, that it's best to not dwell on the fact, and to remind the people closely involved with the lost loved one that there are still things to be happy about, and that it's OKAY to be happy. I also tried to act as normal as possible, because she said she doesn't want absolute pity all of the time, because it makes her feel worse.

I hope I'm doing the right thing. Oi...

[ArwenEvenstar]

Starr, your doing what I'm trying (and probably not doing a great job at it) to do!

elvishfaerie3088 that's horrible,this thread isn't really for me anymore . . . I wish the media would just leave people alone, they kinda remind me of my mum. (They won't leave no matter how much you ask, demand. . .[nvm]). This is probably a dumb question but whats the name of your community?

[Valandil]

Had a tough one today. There's a large extended family that's somewhat connected with our church (some come quite frequently, some almost never). There was a 1-year old baby in the family who just died, and we had the funeral at our church today.

He was born on Christmas Day, 2002 - and had a respiratory illness from the start. He was in the hospital a lot... including the last week of his life. He came to our church at least once - but I think that was all... he had these beautiful, long eyelashes. On Monday evening, he took his first step. In the early hours of Tuesday morning, he took his last breath, and passed from these shores.

The family asked my wife to sing at the funeral. She did a great job. It was tough, because he was just 13 months old... and we have a 15 month old ourselves. I thought I was gonna be OK - maybe I just didn't think about it enough... I ended up crying - at least tearing up and choking up - most of the time... and it's been hard to think about much besides for the rest of the day.

Do any of you touch dead people? I do sometimes. I did today.

Oh it was hard!

*sigh* "Not all tears are evil" as someone once said.

[Nerdanel]

I think it's really important to have this kind of thread, 'cause it's really important to be able to talk about these things. So thank you, ArwenEvenstar!

When I was 4, my parents had a baby. She was born with some serious problems. She died after 4 days. I absolutely didn't understand anything then, and I always thought it didn't affect me; I never saw her, just on a picture, where she has lots of cords (can I use that word? I don't know English well enough) in her body. But I've understood that it did affect me - through my parents' grief.
I feel really bad, because I understand if my mum and dad are sad when it seems I don't care. I won't even try to understand how they felt, 'cause I can't and I don't think I want to either. But now, after 15 years, all the feelings have come back. I'd want to tell my parents how I feel, but it wouldn't feel natural.

But I admire my parents; one and a half years later the had another baby, and I got my dear little-brother. He's such a gift.

Hope you all are doing well - it's really important to mourn. To take the time to think and remember.

[Nurvingiel]

Originally posted by Valandil
Do any of you touch dead people? I do sometimes. I did today.

Do you mean like at a viewing? I never have. I don't think I could. When my friend from work died suddenly, there was a viewing right before the funeral. But I didn't go. I couldn't.

Viewings are nice for people who would want to say goodbye that way. But I couldn't. I will always remember my friend in the fullness of life.

[ArwenEvenstar]

That's horrible Valandil. When I went to the wake I would go within 10 feet of the body, I just couldn't. So I walked around looking like I was crazy 'cause I wasn't talking to anyone.

Nerdanel that must have been so hard on your parents, the only things I ever lost when I was growing up was 2 cats (one got hit by a car and the other we had to put down due to a disease that I can't remember the name of) and my dog (my neighbor was hitting him and the next he bit him [I don't blame the dog for biting that bloody git]). I really miss them.

[Valandil]

Originally posted by Nurvingiel
Do you mean like at a viewing? I never have. I don't think I could. When my friend from work died suddenly, there was a viewing right before the funeral. But I didn't go. I couldn't.

Viewings are nice for people who would want to say goodbye that way. But I couldn't. I will always remember my friend in the fullness of life.

Yes, at a viewing - or the funeral, if it's an open casket. Mind you, I don't always touch them... maybe I have now on 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 occasions. The first time I did, it was my grandma, and I was 24. I think that was only the second funeral I ever had to attend (first was grandpa 10 years before). I just did it out of affection, impulse and curiousity. I just reached out and held her hand for a few moments and smiled.

Anyway, by no means should anyone feel like they have to. If you'll watch people, you'll see that most don't, but some do. Some will even kiss a departed loved one (I think I would if I lost my wife or a child).

Maybe it's even my way of saying that I don't fear death (in keeping with my Christian faith). I'm not thrilled about it, and I'll forstall it all I can... but someday it will be there for me. I jotted something down at the funeral yesterday, but gave the program I wrote it on to a family member who didn't have one. Best I remember:

I hope that I live to a great age,
And that my children live long enough to survive me.
However, none of this is promised to us.
But we have a Keeper,
And there is another promise that He has made to us;
That when we depart from here,
We may go and live with Him forever.

- me

Nerdanel - it's been a long time in your case, but I suggest you go anyway and talk to your parents about it. Before, you were a child. Now, you are an adult too. There are still some great opportunities for healing - for both you and your parents. They may still need it and you may still need it. If it's too hard to say it, print out what you wrote and let them read it. If you do, get back to us on how it comes out.

Some say that for a parent to lose a child is the hardest loss there is. Like Theoden, we all expect that sons will bury their fathers, not that fathers will bury their sons (masculine wording was to simplify - obviously the carry-over goes across lines of gender). My best friend died almost 20 years ago - and I don't think his parents have recovered yet. It's a hard, hard thing.

[Lalaith_Elf]

I know this has already been said - but there is nothing wrong with not crying when somebody close to you dies.
My boyfriend died just before christmas in 2002. He was in a car crash too. His friend was drink driving, and he survived but the rest of them didn't. I didn't cry, I just felt empty inside. I wandered around for weeks hardly eating, talking or sleeping, and I didn't feel anything. It was like I wasn't there - like i wasn't me. People said it was shock, but I didn't feel shocked either. Eventually after a few weeks, I began to get the feeling back that I was actually me and I started to feel sad, but I still didn't cry. I never got to go to the funeral either, but I'm pagan, so theres a ritual that we do every year, when we thank the dead and remember them, which has helped me.

Death is a hard thing, but they are never gone. Whether you believe in ghosts or spirits or just in memory. There is nothing to fear and if your beliefs are anything like mine then death isn't the end and your friend will be around you somewhere. Even if it is just in your heart.

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

Today in my church I saw a video on a New Zealender who was abroard and was into Night Diving.
One evening he went out and got stung by 5 Box Jellyfish, which usually kill within 10 minutes of stinging you. He returned to the boat where a young boy drove the boat back to shore but when they reached the main road he left the man for dead.
The man then found three taxi drivers who refused to help him until he said he'd pay them $100. When the taxi driver realised he didn't have the money with him he literally pushed him out of the taxi.
Luckily it was next to his hotel and a security guard found him and took him to the manager think he was drunk. By this time his forearm, where he'd been stung, was swollen up to twice it's normal size and had mark from where the tentacles had hit him. The manager thought he'd been taking heroin. When the man saw the manager's car outside he asked if the man would take him to the hospital, the manager refused thinking it was his own fault fot taking heroin. The man had to look away from the manager to stop him from hitting him. This could have been fatal for him because the adrenolin that rushed round his body would take the poison round his body, killing him almost instantly. The security guard returned asying an ambulance was their, which he had phoned.
This man wasn't a Christian but his mother was. In the ambulance he saw himse;f as a young boy and his mother praying for him. In his vision his mother told him to pray to God. He took his mothers advice and prayed to God, asking him to forgive him and he would forgive others. A vision then came into his head of the taxi driver and the manager and it wouldn't go until he truely forgave them. He did. His whole life flashed before his eyes and all the wrong things he had done.
When they got to the hospital the doctor told him there was nothing they could do for him, and he would just have to fight for his life. After a while he closed his eyes and everything went dark. He thought he was awake and had just woken up from sleeping, but he was standing up and there were no lights on. A voice then hissed to him telling him to be quiet. He asked where he was and the voice replied to him that he was in hell.
He then asked God why he was there as he had prayed to him in the Ambulance. He then saw a light and when he looked at it he was transported towards it and a voice came to him from behind the light. He thought it was God and asked to see him. As God din't say no he walked towards the light and saw a man with bare feet, a kindly face, a beautiful robe and a light 10 times brighter than the Sun. God then asked him whether he wante to go to heaven or go back to earth and his physcal form. He said heaven, God didn't reply so he said that he had no wife or children or nothing to live for. He had no responsibilities and he didn't owe anyone anything. Then as he was about to walk into the light he saw a vision of his mother praying for him. He then realised that some people did love him and he did have something to live for. He then told God he wanted to return to Earth. God said to him that if he did then he must change and live for God.
He agreed to this and was suddenly back in his Earthly form and a Doctor was prodding his leg with something and Nurses at the door were staring at him in a body bag. He then tilted his head and the Nurses and the Doctor jumped back and gasped.
He followed by saying that he did not tell of all the things he saw or heard and only spoke what God wished him to speak.

[Nurvingiel]

Wow, what an amazing story Telcontar! I almost went insane reading it though. Feel like editing it and putting some paragraphs in?

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

Paragraphs. There are paragraphs in there.

[EarthBound]

Originally Posted by ArwenEvenstar

I am so sad. One of my good friends was in a car crash and didn't make it. I feel really upset, but I'm not crying, what's wrong with me?

My father committed suicide on Jan 3rd, 1990, and I've yet to cry about it. Yet, I will tear up at a Hallmark commercial, or when I hear a swell tale of woe or sadness. But it's the dry Sahara in my tear duct when I think of my own father's death. I don't get it either, maybe there's too much anger or confusion concerning his death that mixes up my emotions. Still, it's a very strange emotional anomaly. An Enigma of tearlessness.

My condolences, may you find peace always. . . .

[Hemel]

I'm suffering from a bereavement right now. I still don't really know how I feel about it, though I've done all the right things, like sorting out the funeral and meeting people who offer condolences. It's going to take a long time to work through. Things catch me too at the oddest times - I can suddenly get very upset for what seems to be no reason at all.

To answer a question above - yes, I've touched dead people. Kissed them too. But I always find they never quite look as they did in life.