Ok... i wanna post my story now

[goldiegollum]

THis is a fragment from a story i'm trying to write, open to criticizm or whatever. Meh!

Evann’s strait black hair dangled into the clear water, his large brown eyes only inches away from the surface as he peered at the bottom of the lake. “There’s all sorts of fish down there, if you look close enough,” he reported without taking his eyes away from the glistening surface, “There’s these long tendrils of seaweed that seam to glisten and catch the light. The water’s so clear. It’d be great for swimming. Dead cold though, especially in the early spring.”
Smiling mischievously, Tiskrat leaned over as if to help him look, swinging his shaggy brown haired head beside the elf’s, which was now so close to the water that his nose dipped into it with every swell. “Seen any of those flashy ones- those-err-blue-bellied fire-things we’re supposed to be looking for?”
Evann shook his head, apparently too deep in concentration to respond.
Tiskrat grinned. “Why don’t you check it out for us, mate?”
“What?” Evann asked, still scanning the coral for what Mira correctly remembered as fire-striped bluefish. For answer, Tiskrat shoved the small of Evaan’s back, sending him head first into the glacially cold water. Mira and Josma shrieked as the little boat rocked violently and held up their hands to ward off the prickling cold droplets from that rained down on them from his splash.
Tiskrat grinned with triumphant laughter as Evann burst from the surface, trying to breathe through the sheet of hair that covered his nose and mouth. All too soon he soon flipped it out of the way, and before the others had even begun to wipe the droplets from their arms they found themselves gasping for breath against the icy shock of the water. The elf smiled despite the shivers that raked his small body, and scrambled atop the capsized craft, straddling it triumphantly. The commotion had by now caught the attention of several other groups, who cheered at the smiling elf, then laughed as Tiskrat scrambled onto the back of the craft and pushed him in again.

[Nurvingiel]

I like your segment. Are you going to post the whole story?

One comment: If Evann was leaning out of a boat so far that his nose almost touched the water, Tiskrat wouldn't have pushed the small of his back to push him into the water. Only his legs would have been inside the boat.

I like your description of the lake, and I noticed you employed some kind of spelling and grammer check. Your story is well written.

[goldiegollum]

Wah! it makes me happy to have someone reply! I can't post the rest of it because that's all there is in that section .i write random exerpts from parts of what will eventually be one whole story. Many of these are not even connected yet. For example, i have no idea why they are working in groups looking for fish, as it has nothing to do with my story, but i used it for character building.

ps. maybe he just has a really long nose! But he doesn't so i'll have to change that part as it would be hard to lean that far out of even a lifeboat (which is what they're in)

pss (or is it pps?) maybe i'll post more from a diff section sometime... but my dad's waiting for me now and i don't have time

[Willow Oran]

To paraphrase some old and time honored advice which I feel is appropriate here:

Detail! Goldie, add as much detail as you possibly can! Expand that story segment till it's bursting at the seams with juicy little tidbits!

That is all I have to say.

[Nurvingiel]

I agree with Willow, your idea is definitely worth building on.

[goldiegollum]

Juicy tidbits? Are they tasty? are they scrumptiously crunchable?

Humm... I suppose i could describe what they see down there some more... and...yeah, thanks! This is how i shall make things larger and more happy!



Oh, i have other stuff i'd like to post, but i don't know if its too long or not to post? here's a section from another part of my story.

Evann stopped near the base of a large tree. It’s ancient trunk rippled with dark bark wrapped round it in rough slabs, illuminated by fleks and tendrils of moss. It sloped gently upwards, then split into a V, then again, and again, until all its branches reached up in competition for the sunlight. They intertwined in curls and hooks, round and round each other with their deep leaves unfolding to the dusky sky. The deep pitcher-like leaves formed a mazeing fountain for the rain to work its way down through, dripping from pitcher to pitcher as each became overburdened with its contents. Finally, having reached the bottom of this fountain, the last pitchers poured fourth their contents into the roots of the trees. The collection of droplets eventually formed dancing pools in the nooks of the roots.
Evann surveyed the tree in reverence for a few moments. Then, nodding his his head in approval, he turned to the two girls. They looked a sorry sight, dripping with rainwater, one half-drugged, the other so tired she might as well have been drugged. Realizing he must look no better, he made no comment on their appearances.
“We’ll have to spend the night in this tree,” he announced.
Josma squinted and leaned forward.“What?”
Frustrated, the little elf sighed at their uselessness, “We’re sleeping in the tree, OK? To keep out of the rain! Unless you want to sleep on the ground and wake up half-frozen in a puddle.” He immediately felt bad for taking his frustration out on these two girls who had just been through tragedies he could only imagine. “I’m sorry,” he added.
He knew the real reason for his frustration was not them, but the entire situation. His first job had not turned out as he’d expected, and he feared being late in getting back. But he hadn’t expected to actually find the girl, let alone her short-tempered friend.
“It will be difficult with numb hands,” he admitted, “but we’ll have to manage. This is a pretty easy tree. And once we get up, I have a blanket we’ll have to share.” Mira and Josma both stared blankly at him, as if the words were no more than pictures flying by then fading away into the distance, forgotten.
“We’ll have to all sleep straddled over that branch up there,” the elf continued, “All close together to keep the warmth. I have two pairs of heat-gloves, but we’ll just have to make due with one each, seeing as there’s three of us…”
Mira and Josma could see the elf’s mouth moving, and his hands gesticulating as if he was trying to explain something. Then he stopped, and looked questioningly at them, waiting. Mira continued staring blankly at him, vaguely wondering why he kept looking at her like that. Josma nodded, sensing he waited for a response, but to what she was responding she knew not.
She soon found out. The elf grabbed her arm and led her up to the base of the tree, still talking and pointing upwards. Mira stumbled as Josma walked forward, pulled by the elf, but did not lessen her iron grasp on Mira’s hand. Catching her foot on a protruding root, Mira slipped on the rain-slicked bark, and tripped to the ground. He knee landed in one of the pools of water gathered at the base of the tree, completely drenching her already damp pant leg with debris-filled rainwater.
“Josma, You can’t climb and hold her hand at the same time!” cried the exasperated elf, trying help Mira up. This proved awkward as Josma would still not let go of Mira’s wrist, and now had it twisted into a position that looked painful. Evann moved his face close t Josma’s, speaking slowly and deliberately. “You have to let go of Mira’s hand, Josma. We have to get into that tree for the night!” He pointed up at the tree again, as if repeating this gesture just one more time might clarify things.

[Treehobbit]

I HATE IT! WORST THING I EVER READ! YOU SHOULD BURN IT! MINE IS AND FOREVER MORE BE BETTER! I just love how you don't havbe to confron't people you talk to over the internet...except that I'll see you at school tomarrow..! Any way's HAPPYBIRTHDAY GOLDIE, my fat slug. I love you're story and don't forget...someone has to have hot freckles .

[Treehobbit]

Oh yes and please excuse the IS for WILL and that random b in the middle of have.

Other than that, cheerio!