Story: Out of the Shadows [a work in progress]

[Akamai Deredal]

I figured this would be a good place to get opinions on something I'm currently writing, and possibly some advice on how to fix it and make it more interesting. I just need someone to read a few pieces here and there, if that's all they have time for, and tell me what they think of it. It's still a rough draft of course, so there's a lot of mistakes that I haven't fixed yet... So I guess I'll post a couple paragraphs if anyone really wants to read it. (To the moderator[s]: Is this the right Forum to put this in, or do I need to go somewhere else? -_- So difficult for me to navigate around the Forums... Oh well!)