The Keepers

[PippinTook]

All righty-o. I haven't written in a while, and my past few stories have been total crap, so I hope this one is okay. It's sorta different, I was going by the name Thistles Mackory on another website, so I just put that into the story. Please tell me what you think, it's the first draft, I'd like to see where it goes...

Introduction-
Hello, you may call me Thistles Mackory. I am here to tell you a story about the future. No doubt that by the time it really happens, you will have forgotten or dismissed it as fantasy, but it is my duty to tell you about the Keepers. In the year 5000 A.D. humans were given a new start. You all had messed up the world so bad, that Rahknabah (who, I believe some of you call ‘God’) started the new age by giving us the Keepers. The Keepers had control of the elements Water, Wind, Fire, Earth and Light, and kept the earth in balance. The new age was called A.K. Age of the Keepers. But in 4000 A.K. there was the Dark War between the good Keepers and the bad Keepers. No one is quite sure nowadays who won. Then there was a new age started, named (what else) N.A. the New Age. Now times are much as they are in 2005 A.D., except we have no pollution or crime due to the Guiders. The Guiders formed after the War, and kept all nations and lives in check.
Now that you have some background, I will tell you the real story. Unfortunately, this is second hand, I was not there to see the works of the Keepers or the Guiders or the Believers. Ah, but I have said too much too early. I should start at the beginning.

Chapter one- The Beginning

Our story starts with three young girls. Catellia, Ecculias, and Noctura had been friends since they were eight years old. They never called eachother by their names, but by nicknames; Wags, Buck and Tals. They all lived in Lakeland, Florida, where they spent their days with eachother as often as they could. I will start our story at the end of the year 2999 N.A., nine thousand years after your time.
Catellia and Ecculias rang the Baron’s doorbell, both chattering excitedly. Noctura opened the door and the three girls commenced bouncing up and down and screaming. Noctura’s family was going to have a huge millenium party that night and the girls were getting ready.
“Is your mom home?” Cat asked her friend, grinning.
“Nope, she went out for more food for tonight.” said Noctura, shutting the door. Noctura was always the quieter and mild mannered one of the group.
“Is Ian here?” asked Ecculias, looking around the corner. Ian was Noctura’s twin brother who Eccy had always liked.
Noctura rolled her eyes, “No. He went with mom.”
Cat held up a big bag full decorations, “I’ve got about three hundred balloons in here, I hope you have a big lung capacity.”
The girls walked into the Baron’s spacious living room and started up a loud and giggly conversation. Eccy eventually got light headed from sucking back her own carbon dioxide from the countless times she’d laughed and stopped blowing into the balloon. She lay down on the couch and the other girls took over.
Will, Noctura’s older brother walked in and smiled when he saw Cat sitting on the floor. Cat groaned silently and looked over at Eccy who was grinning and darting her eyes between Cat and Will. Will had liked Cat ever since she could remember.
“Need some help?” he said, sitting beside her and picking up a balloon.
Cat looked at him out of the corner of her eye, “No, I think we got it, thanks.”
Noctura lowered her head, letting her thick dirty blond hair fall in front of her face so Cat couldn’t see she was chuckling. Catellia glared at her friends, daring them to say anything.
Will squinted at Cat, “Why, exactly won’t you go out with me, again?”
Noctura looked at Eccy who gave Will a pitying look.
“Why?” Cat said in a dangerous tone. “Because, William. Dating at our young and naive age is useless and incredibly unsensable. You are in no way mature enough to handle a relationship and the only reason you like me in the first place is because I taught you how to whistle when you were ten and have been obsessed with me ever since.” Cat had said this exact same thing so many times that Eccy was mocking her every word from behind.
“You couldn’t whistle until you were ten?” said Eccy, sitting up and looking at Will amusedly.
“That’s beside the point!” said Cat exasperatedly. Everyone thought Cat was strange because she had no intention of having a crush on any boy ever. She did not even like boys, in fact, the ones in the neighborhood had nicknamed her, ‘The Man-eater’.
Will narrowed his eyes, “You’ll go out with me one day, Catellia Smith, you just wait!”
“Oh, you’ve really got me cornered now, Will.” Cat said sarcastically.
Will stood up and stalked out of the room, shooting Cat one last glance.
“He’ll never give up.” Noctura said, trying her balloon.
Cat sighed, “I know. He’s so insufferable.”
“You need to stop using such big words in front of Buck, you’ll confuse her.” Noctura said with a smile.
“Yeah, Cat–hey!” Eccy said, throwing her bag of balloons at Noctura.
Soon they had blown up all the balloons, hung up all the streamers and cleaned up the mess they had made in the Barons living room. Zoe Baron, Noctura’s perky mother who owned a bookshop, came bustling in soon after they were finished. Zoe and Noctura looked exactly alike. They both had thick sandy hair and gray eyes.
“Afternoon, girls!” she said happily, setting a large box of books on the counter.
“Hey, Zoe.” Cat and Eccy said. “Need a hand?” Eccy offered, seeing Zoe pant over the heavy box.
“Nope,” Zoe said, straightening up. “I got it, thanks. Noctura, have you heard from your dad?”
“Yeah, he called earlier. He said he has a late flight, but that he’ll be home before midnight.” Noctura replied. Ben Baron was a pilot.
Zoe sat down on the couch and looked around, “Did the party shop throw up in my living room?”
“You like it?” Cat asked amusedly.
“Festive.” said Zoe.

Guests started arriving at ten, including Will and Ian’s best friends Barry, Lee, and Ty, who the girls despised and tried their best to avoid. Besides dodging boys, the girls had a good time, except for when Ben Baron (who had arrived barely in time for the party) spilled champagne all over the television and one had to be brought from the neighbor’s house. The boys snuck a bottle of champagne into Will’s room, but Zoe, whose mother instinct was impecable, caught them before they could smash the top off due to their lack of a bottle opener.
Ten minutes until midnight, and everyone was sitting around the television which had a countdown displayed on the screen. The room was incredibly crowded, nearly everyone in the neighborhood had come, so the girls found some floor space in the corner.

[Lief Erikson]

*Where or when are we allowed to post? Am I improperly posting in the middle of what you're writing right now; shall I wait?

My comment so far is primarily a question about the introduction. Why has everything turned out with such similarity to how things were in 2005? Also I'd like a little more information on the mythology. Why did God think things would turn out any better with the Keepers in charge then with the less-powerful humans?*

[Earniel]

A small nitpick: I wonder at the use of the girls' nicknames: Wags, Buck and Tal. Not only does the origin of the names remain unexplained but the names themselves are only used once in the whole part. Instead you use, even in the narration, other nicknames that are derived from the girls' proper names, like Eccy or Cat. Wouldn't it be much easier to forgo the first set of unused nicknames altogether?