10-10-2004, 12:38 PM | #1 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: The Swamps of Dagobah
Posts: 234
|
One Hungry Hobbit
Here's a humor poem I did. Hope you enjoy it.
One Hungry Hobbit By Yodaman ‘Why don’t we stop for a bite?’ asked the Hobbit With a beastly ravenous fury He’d take anything from some beef to chicken Even some Gondorian curry! ‘What?’ asks the Ranger of the North ‘We just got one at the inn! Surely that was enough for you Don’t you want to say trim?’ ‘Yes’ said the Hobbit with a smile on a face Eager for a bite of pork rind ‘What about a second breakfast’ he said to his friend His stomach enzymes messing with his mind. The ranger just walked off ignoring the mess Shocked at the behavior of his friend He had never had more than three meals Let alone beg for one till the end. ‘He doesn’t know about second breakfast’ said the other Hobbit And very angry was he He just wasted a very good minute A minute of peace and glee! ‘Doesn’t know about second breakfast?’ asked the shocked Hobbit The worst of all horrors he must bear! No elevensies or afternoon tea And dinner and supper not there! How could his life end this way With so much agony and pain? His life was so young and carefree And now it would never be the same. Suddenly he felt a bump on his skull Oh he was going to smack his pal! But lying on the ground was an apple Salvation had come to his bowels! Picked the fruit up and said ‘Oh!’ But happier was he than that! He devoured the morsel with such desire And happily on the ground he sat. Thus is the tale of a monstrous horror A terror beyond comprehension But all fears can be overcome by kindness And that’s the end of this conversation. The End
__________________
"What about second breakfast?" Last edited by Yodaman : 10-10-2004 at 08:20 PM. Reason: Nurv's Suggestions |
10-10-2004, 04:41 PM | #2 | ||
Co-President of Entmoot
Super Moderator Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 8,397
|
I really liked your poem, it's hilarious! I have a few minor suggestions:
He’d take anything from some beef to pork to chicken I think you should write this line as: He’d take anything from beef to chicken, to fit the meter of the rest of the stanza. ‘Yes’ says the Hobbit with a smile on a face To keep verb tense consistent, put "said the Hobbit". Eager for a bite of pork grind I think you mean "pork rind" Shocked of the behavior of his friend Shocked at the behavior ‘Doesn’t know about second breakfast?’ asked the shocked Hobbit The worst of all horrors he must bear! No elevensies or afternoon tea And dinner and supper are not there! To fit with the meter of the rest of this stanza, I think the last line should read: And dinner and supper not there! Salvation had come to his bowels! I would recommend a different word than "bowels". Sadly, I couldn't think of a suggestion that rhymed. Picked the fruit up and said ‘oh’ I think you should write the line like this: He picked the fruit up and said 'Oh!' The humour of this poem is very good, and I think the rhyming and meter fits it well. Nice work. *wanders off chuckling Gondorian curry...*
__________________
"I can add some more, if you'd like it. Calling your Chief Names, Wishing to Punch his Pimply Face, and Thinking you Shirriffs look a lot of Tom-fools." - Sam Gamgee, p. 340, Return of the King Quote:
Quote:
|
||
10-14-2004, 01:32 PM | #3 |
The Lovely Hobbit-Lass
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Bounded in a nut-shell
Posts: 1,593
|
Cute! I always loved that part. Poor Pip. He's so cute, though.
__________________
It's New Years Day, just like the day before; Same old skies of grey, same empty bottles on the floor. Another year's gone by, and I was thinking once again, How can I take this losing hand and somehow win? Just give me One Good Year To get my feet back on the ground. I've been chasing grace; Grace ain't so easily found One bad hand can devil a man, chase him and carry him down. I've got to get out of here, just give me One Good Year! |
|
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
The Hobbit and the deeper mythology | azalea | The Hobbit (book) | 22 | 10-22-2009 10:01 PM |
HOBBIT DAY! | Gilthalion | Lord of the Rings Books | 20 | 09-27-2005 02:09 PM |
Hobbit joke | Sminty_Smeagol | Middle Earth | 24 | 03-13-2004 06:24 PM |
Declaration Of The Rights Of The Hobbit | The Lady of Ithilien | Lord of the Rings Books | 13 | 12-21-2002 02:45 PM |
Is Gollum a hobbit or a weird frog thing??? | Samwise_Gamgee | Lord of the Rings Books | 21 | 04-11-2002 01:10 AM |