10-14-2006, 06:45 PM | #1 |
Sapling
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1
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Arnore
"Hand me a new arrow Orik"said Galden reaching for the arrow.Galdon is 18 years old and had just reached manhood.He has dark brown hair and blue eyes
it runs in the family because Orik,Fertom,And Galdens Dad have the same hair and eye color. His parents and aunt had been killed in the fire of Conburro leaving only him, his 80 year old uncle Fertom, and his 15 year old cousin Orik. THWACK!"Yes!I finally got a bullseye!Hand me another arrow Orik.said Galden reaching for the next arrow."this is the last one Galden then we need to go back to uncle Fertom."THWACK!"Bullseye once again!"Ok Galden grab your arrows and lets go back home."said Orik turning his back to Galden and walking torward the small alley that leads to the center of Gallomyre.Galden soon joined him.when they reached the center of Gallomyre they made a right turn and started walking. They walked past Manjefts butcher shop,Jerots blacksmith shop,and past Gertruds house she is the town healer and a little crazy most people try to avoid her unless they are injured. At the end of the stone street leading out of the city is a dirt road leading to the farm. they started down the dirt road pushing away any low branches in their way.Even though they were quite far they could see the smoke coming out of the chimney of the small farmhouse.after several minutes they reached the farmhouse outside they could see some sheep, a cow, and only one chicken for this year they could not afford another one.some clothes were being hung by their sleeves to dry.The two cousins walked up onto the porch of the farmhouse loose boards creeking beneath their torn leather boots.The door rusted and rotting by age was easily pushed open revealing a poorly lit room holding two bedrooms and a small sitting area wich within it sat uncle Fertom smoking a pipe.The sound of the door opening caught his attention and he slowly turned hid head around revealing a a wrinked smile."Hello boys how did archery go!""Ive done better."said Galden walking to a chair."I guess it was the wind that threw us off today.Maybe we will have better luck next time aye?"said Orik with a shrug."Well right now i dont care I just want to eat im starving. this is my first story I hope you like it |
10-14-2006, 09:18 PM | #2 |
Halfelven Daughter of the Dunedain, President of Entmoot
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: In trouble. As usual.
Posts: 4,674
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I have a little nitpick.
I found it a bit hard to read. You might want to paragraph it a bit better. Very good, so far. I hope more is coming.
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"Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life!"~ inked Don't meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. "Don't be such a sour wolf" Stiles ~ Heart Monitor http://www.wattpad.com/user/IceQueenofMitera |
01-20-2008, 04:21 PM | #3 |
Captain Jack
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: High Charity
Posts: 598
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I like it the way you have explained the people they walked past, which, if you like they could be key characters involved in the story and people would thats right they mentioned them on the very first page. anyway great begining I hope more is coming
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Captain Jack Sparrow: When you marooned me on that god forsaken spit of land, you forgot one very important thing, mate: I’m Captain Jack Sparrow. Cortana: So have you got a plan to get out? Master Chief: I was gonna shoot my way out. Mix things up a little. |