Question for married mooters

[Arien the Maia]

Ok, as most of you know, I recently got married a little over one month ago My question is how long did it take all of you married mooters to have your first fight? I'm just doing a little poll so I can get a good estimate of what I'm in for! HAHAHA! Thanks for participating you guys!

[Beor]

Lets see, I've been married for 2 and a half years, the first fight was about a month in (not counting dating fights ), and weve had quite a few. Still in love though, madly in love as it were. Most of the fights you'll have are fleeting, in my experience, and they go away pretty quick. Congratulations, and I wish you the bbest with your happiess!

[Artanis]

First fight after we got married? I don't remember, it's so long ago! I would guess about a month or so ... but we had lived together for several months before we got married, and had already soothed out some of our different expectations on how to live together. I'd expect the first row to be up in shorter time if you have not lived together before marriage. But all this may only apply to me, I've got a temper.

[Lizra]

It happened the first time we had friends over. (probably a month or so after getting married) I treated my new husband like I had treated previous boyfriends, he let me know, in no uncertain terms, that this was not going to work. I realized I had to get off my high horse, and I must admit I was shocked! I'm glad he stood up to me immediately. It wouldn't have worked if he had taken any crap from me. We were playing a new ball game, and I wasn't in total control anymore.

[Guillaume le Maréchal]

My wife and I had our first fight three days after we were married. It lasted for six months... no kidding; we barely spoke to one another. I worked long hours (Army), and any time we spent together was in front of the TV; we were strangers who happened to share the same house. We were seriously contemplating a break up, but then I was deployed to Eygpt for six months. I guess we both decided not to let our marriage go south, and while I was deployed we wrote each other daily. When I got back, we were more in love than we had ever been. Ever since then, its only gotten better.

--Dave

[Beor]

This is off the subject, but were you in the 10th MTN DIV, Guillaume?

sorry, arien

[Guillaume le Maréchal]

Nope. 82nd... 3-504th. However, my best friend started his career out in the 10th mountain.

[The Gaffer]

Wow! That's one serious argument, GleM. Way to work out your problems in an adult fashion

The Gammer and I had our first biggie about 6 months in. It was over my son (her stepson). Looking back, I hadn't really internalised how my relationship with her was impacted by my relationship with him (e.g. making arrangements with him without consulting her); equally, she hadn't fully internalised the impact that he would have on her life.

These kinds of things (and I guess there are lots of similar) don't get solved overnight; you have to work on them over the hours and years (!) and there's no rule book (goddam it ).

Previous marraige, there weren't enough fights. I think we both kind of knew deep inside that if there had been, we'd have split up a lot sooner.

Congrats, Arien. Haven't you had your first one yet?

[Arien the Maia]

Originally posted by The Gaffer
Wow! That's one serious argument, GleM. Way to work out your problems in an adult fashion

The Gammer and I had our first biggie about 6 months in. It was over my son (her stepson). Looking back, I hadn't really internalised how my relationship with her was impacted by my relationship with him (e.g. making arrangements with him without consulting her); equally, she hadn't fully internalised the impact that he would have on her life.

These kinds of things (and I guess there are lots of similar) don't get solved overnight; you have to work on them over the hours and years (!) and there's no rule book (goddam it ).

Previous marraige, there weren't enough fights. I think we both kind of knew deep inside that if there had been, we'd have split up a lot sooner.

Congrats, Arien. Haven't you had your first one yet?

Thank you and no we haven't had our first fight yet...Thank God! Although when we were dating we had a few

[Valandil]

When I first saw this, I was tempted to start with some "tongue-in-cheek" responses about treating your husband like a king, so there'd never be any reason to fight! But then I started to realize that most of my suggestions (some of which came from something I read that was written in the 50's) had to do with what happens when the husband comes home each night. These days, if both are working, it may translate into whenever the second one gets home, or whenever you both first see each other after spending the first portion of the day apart.

So now it occurs to me - I wonder if a lot of marital fighting happens - or more likely stems from what happens - when / how this "homecoming" occurs on a daily basis.

It seems to me that there are often very different expectations / desires about what should happen then. Some (often the woman) want to talk right away. Some (often the man) want some space for a little - maybe 30 minutes to an hour. Once was even talking with a lady who is divorced - and she said one thing she had learned, that she didn't do - was that she should have given her husband some space when he came home.

In some ways, I see it now. From when our first child was born, my homecoming each day mean to my wife that it's her time to get a break - so she hands off the kid(s) (plural now) and hides out to get some down time. It's not exactly what I have in mind each day, but I'm the compassionate sort (TOTAL push-over!) so I just do my best. Sometimes I end up feeling I NEVER get a break (from work-to-commute-to-kids), but my wife just seems so wiped out most of the time...

Anybody else relate to this?

[Beor]

Yeah, I do. I do the same for my wife. My boy, William, was born premature, and being gone all the time took its toll on my honey, so I helped out all I could. When I get back, I cant wait to take the kid, and I'm sure my wife cant wait either. He's cool. Also a pushover

[Rían]

What an interesting topic, Arien! It's so nice to have some more company at the Moot - married people are definitely a minority here!

I've been married 17 years now, so it's hard to remember exactly when it was, but I think the first medium-sized one was about a month into the marriage (over which way the toilet paper should hang, of all things! ), and the first big one was maybe at 6 or 8 months, and was entirely about unstated assumptions. He had to go on a business trip and his mom ALWAYS packed his dad's suitcase; on the other hand, MY dad ALWAYS packed his OWN suitcase! So my hubby had laid his clothes out on the bed and was expecting me to pack his suitcase and was really upset when I didn't, because to him, it spoke that I didn't care enough for him to get off my duff and pack his suitcase. For me, I was wondering why he wasn't putting the clothes in!

It seems like many fights are along these lines - expectations that have NOT been discussed and the spouse has no idea why the other spouse is upset. It only makes sense that this will happen, because we were both raised in different families! (Duh!) And that's why cross-cultural marriages can have an extra layer of difficulty - in addition to basic family differences, there are also cultural differences that are often basic and un-discussed.

Anyway, I think "fights" are healthy and good, as long as they are fair - it's the ignoring of differences and hurts that is really dangerous. If you don't fight, that probably means that you're drifting apart. And by "fight" and "fair", I mean that you ALWAYS remember that you love the other person and that they deserve your highest respect and consideration, and it's better to walk out of the room than to say anything disrespectful or hurtful. "I can't talk right now, I'm too angry/upset" is always something that should be respected (but of course you MUST talk at some time when the tempers are calmer). "Speaking the truth in love" is always a good thing, and I would add to speak the truth in love at an appropriate time, for the goal of a "fight" is that both sides win and that greater love and understanding is gained.

[/end wifely advice]

You go, girl! Love that guy!!

[brownjenkins]

our first fight was the day after we got married... i remember it well... course we had kids and a house already... i think i got mad at her because she got mad at the kids about something i didn't think she should have gotten mad about (yeah, they all make about that much sense )

a few somewhat obvious things i try to keep in mind:

never take anything - and i mean anything - said during an argument too seriously (and never hold it against your mate six months later)

throw principles out the window... right and wrong really aren't that important... plus you'll never really change the other person's mind anyway

try to start everyday with a clean slate

i agree with Valandil's point as well... especially with kids (got three)... we try to make a point of planning something alone together at least once a month no matter how difficult it can be sometimes

[The Gaffer]

Originally posted by RÃ*an
Anyway, I think "fights" are healthy and good, as long as they are fair - it's the ignoring of differences and hurts that is really dangerous.

Hear hear! How else are those assumptions going to get unpacked?

And there's the making up to look forward to afterwards.

[Rían]

Valandil, I totally understand where you're coming from! You guys really need to pray about this, tho, (IMHO ) because your needs are important, too, and your marriage is a VERY higher priority. Perhaps a babysitter for the hour before you get home to give her a bit of a break?

I remember those "baby" days very well - sometimes just getting a shower by noon was a major accomplishment! And your youngest, IIRC, has problems with a rash that interferes with his sleep (and of course, this means YOUR sleep is broken, too!) But I would also fight to just "hang on" for even 15 minutes when my husband came home before "handing over" the kids, to give him just a little "down time". I often didn't succeed, but I would try - because otherwise, he felt like he was only valued because he could give me a break from an exhausting job. It looks like you maybe feel this way a bit, which is understandable! PLEASE don't let this issue be neglected - work on it, for the good of the entire family

This issue might take awhile to work out, but please don't be a "push-over", because I think you'll end up resentful. Either CHOOSE to make the sacrifice of helping her right when you get home (and a choice is WAY different from being a push-over), or work out something in between. Either way, keep talking! and loving! Those difficult "baby" years will pass, but your marriage needs to be for life.

You might also want to have her checked out medically, because some times there are medical issues after birth that can be treated, like anemia.

From someone a bit farther down the path (I'm older, have been married longer, and have older kids ) - hang in there! Fight for that marriage, and for each other! A good marriage is wonderful, but takes effort! But the effort is repaid many times over And a good marriage is one of the best gifts you can give your kids.

[/end fellow spouse advice]

(nd as I said to Arien, but slightly modified You go, guy! Love that girl!

[Rían]

Originally posted by The Gaffer
Hear hear! How else are those assumptions going to get unpacked?

And there's the making up to look forward to afterwards.

Very true! *straightens hair*

[Rían]

Lizra - what a great story! And I'm glad your hubby did what he did! And I'm glad YOU'RE glad he did what he did! I like what I've heard about your marriage

[Spock]

You mean you're "supposed" to fight?

[Khamûl]

Originally posted by RÃ*an
(over which way the toilet paper should hang, of all things! )

I must admit, I got a good laugh out of this because I had this very same debate not too long ago with some of my friends. If you don't mind my asking, what was your verdict? Over or under?

[Valandil]

This over/under debate may require its own thread!

[EDIT: and I can just SEE jerseydevil and blackbreathalizer coming down on opposite sides... pun PURELY unintentional! ]