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11-05-2003, 01:48 PM | #1 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Sleeping in a tree
Posts: 173
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I want some people to go over some of my writing
Hi, I'm Amea and I was wondering if anybody would mind looking over some of my writing and telling what they think? I don't want to post it until I'm sure that some poeple want to read it.
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Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! *devak laughs crazily* Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. *Devak grabs blue by the throat* Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P |
11-05-2003, 02:58 PM | #2 |
The Infamous Tea Hobbit
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Riding my Attack Llama, CORY!
Posts: 1,162
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I'd read it, I don't know how good I am at critiqueing but I'd be glad to read your story!
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If I can stop one heart from aching, I shall not live in vain. -Emily Dickinson But the Master comes, and the foolish crowd Never can quite understand The worth of a soul and the change that is wrought By the touch of the Master's hand. Though she be but little, she is fierce! -MSND |
11-05-2003, 03:34 PM | #3 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Beyond conscious thought... and always out of reach
Posts: 362
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I'd also be more than happy to read what you've written, though I can't say how quickly I'll have it done. School work has been a bit more demanding than usual, as of late. But I will do my best, if you want me to help.
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Shadows of a Midnight Rain All writers of any sort, are welcome to come and share their works. Potius mori quam foedari... Death before dishonour... |
11-05-2003, 03:38 PM | #4 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Sleeping in a tree
Posts: 173
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Cool I did't think anybody would respond. Um... It might take me a while to get it all up but I'll get it up sometime in the near future. Here's only part of it...
The past is important to the present and to the future. I will tell you the past, but you must find the future for yourself... Long ago before the races were divided, before we all grew away from Luna, in that time Luna lived among us. (sorry got to go. Uh... My teacher is yelling at me)
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Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! *devak laughs crazily* Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. *Devak grabs blue by the throat* Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P |
11-10-2003, 08:34 AM | #5 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Sleeping in a tree
Posts: 173
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Hi People,
I'm back (for now) Hey where is everybody Oh well, Such is the fate of my threads. I think I want to let off on the story from before for now,at least. But I have a bunch of poems for you guys to look at. (I'll post them latter 'cause right now I think the first bell has just rung. So cao)
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Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! *devak laughs crazily* Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. *Devak grabs blue by the throat* Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P |
11-10-2003, 08:40 AM | #6 |
Domesticated Swing Babe
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Reality
Posts: 5,340
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I'll read them if they're readable! and not too long! Post em and don't worry about it. It's like fishing. If you get a bite, great, if not...change the bait, or location!
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Happy Atheist Go Democrats! |
11-10-2003, 10:42 AM | #7 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Sleeping in a tree
Posts: 173
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Thanks Lizra. I was wondering if anyone would respond. Well anyway
Don’t leave me Don’t leave me I cried into the night As your face faded from my sight Don’t leave me alone I had thought you were my own Was I deceived? Why did I believe? You would never leave Don’t leave me Was my final plea It echoed from my mountains to my sea I wish you were here with me Don’t leave me I cry, as tears fell from my eyes Our love becomes empty lies Don’t leave me I love you You know I do Say you love me too You love me You love me not You love me You love me not You love me You love me not... You don’t love me do you? Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me Was my cry into the night My cry of bone chilling fright Why don’t you love me? I gave you the secret key To my heart, I let you in Don’t leave me... Don’t fade away into memories... Don’t turn into a shadow in the night Don’t leave me I love you You know I do Say you love me too You love me You love me not You love me You love me not You love me You love me not... You don’t love me do you? Don’t leave me I’m alone can’t you see standing where You left me Don’t leave me I cry But my hands clutched at shadows You're gone, this I know But did you have to go? You left me My eyes only see darkness where there once was light I can only see night You left me How I long to see the morning’s blue skies But darkness clouds my eyes The darkness clouds my vision I wish someone would release me from this prison Maybe one day someone will come and bring light Into my perpetual night But till then I will shun men And keep my guard up You left me I loved you As I will always do Oh, how I wished you’d say you loved me too You love me You love me not... I know this is true So, good bye, so long, farewell, a due... Now I will leave you. Hope you like it
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Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! *devak laughs crazily* Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. *Devak grabs blue by the throat* Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P Last edited by Amea : 11-12-2003 at 03:35 PM. |
11-10-2003, 11:07 AM | #8 |
Domesticated Swing Babe
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Reality
Posts: 5,340
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That's very readable! It's a little repititious in spots. I (personally.....you should do as you wish! ) would make it shorter...and MORE gutwrenchingly personal! Let's see.....
....I cry into the night, as your face fades from my sight..... ....was my final plea, echoing from my mountains to my sea....... ....I cry, the tears fall from my eyes, our love becomes just empty lies. love me love me not stuff breaks the flow (for me.. ) Very nice! .....Poor baby!
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Happy Atheist Go Democrats! |
11-10-2003, 01:34 PM | #9 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Sleeping in a tree
Posts: 173
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Hey thanks You got some good ideas! ....I cry, the tears fall from my eyes, our love becomes just empty lies... Ilove that part I think I'll add it in if it's alright with you. The reson why it's so long is because it's a song. (Damn, I can't stop ryming) I'm gonna take out some of the loves me loves me not's out, But it's sort of the corus (can't spell )
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Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! *devak laughs crazily* Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. *Devak grabs blue by the throat* Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P |
11-10-2003, 02:38 PM | #10 |
Domesticated Swing Babe
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Reality
Posts: 5,340
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Oh! A song! Well that's different. A chorus! I get it now!
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Happy Atheist Go Democrats! |
11-11-2003, 01:41 PM | #11 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Sleeping in a tree
Posts: 173
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The problem is I can't spell But I'm glad you like it. Hey, Just wondering do you write? If you do why don't you post some of your writings. I want to make a thread where people can post their writings to get some feedback.
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Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! *devak laughs crazily* Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. *Devak grabs blue by the throat* Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P |
11-11-2003, 02:25 PM | #12 |
Domesticated Swing Babe
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Reality
Posts: 5,340
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Feedback! Who needs feedback! I wrote a garden column for our local paper for several years. I posted some of those in the "Non fiction" thread. Other than that, my posts are my writing. I am a painter at this point in time! You could start a "Song" thread here in the "Writer's Workshop". I don't think I've seen one of those...but I could be wrong. People post their stuff in this forum fairly often. You could direct your questions to IronParrot, the moderator for this forum.
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Happy Atheist Go Democrats! |
11-11-2003, 03:19 PM | #13 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Sleeping in a tree
Posts: 173
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I'll try that. (on a lighter note) Cool your a painter, I always wanted to paint but I could never find the time
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Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! *devak laughs crazily* Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. *Devak grabs blue by the throat* Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P |
11-12-2003, 03:26 AM | #14 |
Hobbit
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: I am living in a large city with smog!!!!!!
Posts: 27
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Hey!
Hey! I read your song. It has great rythm. I found just a few tiny grammatical errors.
1. "Your gone, this I know" (not possessive YOUR but you=are=you're) 2. "And I will always do" (try As I will always do?) 3. "Oh how I wished you would say you love me too" (try loved me too) Just a few ideas. I could be completely off the wall since I have bad insomnia and as a result am slightly psycho. Good luck with your writings...you have a unique talent!
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always trying to learn something- aya |
11-12-2003, 11:15 AM | #15 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Sleeping in a tree
Posts: 173
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Thanks ayarella, I like what your thinking. You gave me a new Idea for a new poem. ( Your new here arn't you? Wellcome to Entmoot)
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Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! *devak laughs crazily* Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. *Devak grabs blue by the throat* Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P |
11-12-2003, 03:36 PM | #16 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Sleeping in a tree
Posts: 173
|
I edited Don't leave me Just look at the old post. If there is any more that you guys can add just post it and I'll see what I can do.
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Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! *devak laughs crazily* Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. *Devak grabs blue by the throat* Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P |
11-14-2003, 06:26 PM | #17 |
Cardboard Harp of Gondor Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: IM IN UR POSTZ, EDITIN' UR WURDZ
Posts: 6,433
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If ya can't spell do what I do... Use the spell checker on your editing program (for me it's Microsoft Word).
The first part Don't leave me should probably be "Don't leave me" with the little "s around it, because it's what you're saying . I like the song a lot, it's very nice and flows well! |
11-17-2003, 01:39 PM | #18 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Sleeping in a tree
Posts: 173
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Hey Guys, (sorry I haven't been on, My computer is being dumb) Thanks Tessar. I would use my comps word program but it's being a pain at this moment in time so... I will do the best I can
(Uh Guys Where is everybody!!!!!!)
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Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! *devak laughs crazily* Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. *Devak grabs blue by the throat* Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P Last edited by Amea : 11-18-2003 at 01:42 PM. |
11-20-2003, 04:17 PM | #19 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: DC or Delaware, depending on the time of year
Posts: 244
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just a question... was there a source of inspiration for your song Amea? for some reason it's ringing a bell inside my head...
but i really like it! definitely well-written.
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Oh, your collegiate grief has left you dowdy in sweatshirts, absolute horror! |
11-21-2003, 12:26 PM | #20 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Sleeping in a tree
Posts: 173
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There is really no insperation for my song, I guess you can just call it a childish twittle. The reason I wrote the song is because my Ex-boyfriend had dumped me and I was really depressed and angery. It took me a few weeks to get over it and that's when I wrote the last few lines
" You love me You love me not... I know this is true So, good bye, so long, farewell, a due... Now I will leave you." But all in all thanks for the comments guys and to all the writers out there keep writing, Peace out (yeah I know it's cornie)
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Crazy I was crazy once they put me in this little room Rats! Rats! I hate Rats! They drive me crazy! *devak laughs crazily* Blue: Oh boy, She's cracked, She's gone nuts, Devak, Devak get a grip. *Devak grabs blue by the throat* Blue: Good grip Duh! I've got markers!!!! :P |
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