12-29-2004, 06:50 PM | #1 | |
The Supreme Lord of The Northern Eagles
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: trondheim, norway
Posts: 1,388
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a little text
this is a text I wrote some weeks ago, which I have thought of posting here, to get some comments from people who have english as mother language. it is not something special, just something I thought of one evening and wrote it down. My teahcer were stunned, and wasn't sure if I had written it all myself. but I have. she was very impressed, so to speak and said some norwegian students who are taking english at university have problems writing like this
so tell me what you think, and don't be kind. if you have some general mistake... Quote:
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01-07-2005, 06:36 AM | #2 | ||||||
The Chocoholic Sea Elf Administrator
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: N?n in Eilph (Belgium)
Posts: 14,363
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I'm not a native English-speaking person myself but I may have some comments for you. Hope you don't mind. These are things I would have put differently, since English isn't my mother tongue either, I can't say whether my way would be more correct.
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I don't think sunbeams can 'entangle' something but I like the idea. Quote:
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Overall it was a pleasant read and you have a strong grasp on English, almost poetic in some places. I can see why your teacher would be impressed.
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01-08-2005, 03:46 AM | #3 | |
Elf Lord
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Fountain Valley, CA
Posts: 6,343
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Pytt, I like how you usually have description for each item you mention. That's something I've noticed published authors do, and it certainly enhances the image of the scene in the person's mind, causing it to become more real to them.
There are a couple points that don't make a whole lot of sense to me, which I'll bring up. Quote:
The other comment I had was about the second sentence. Sunlight doesn't glide. Perhaps it might appear to be gliding to someone who has vision enhanced by magical powers, but I just can't imagine sunlight gliding. It moves so fast that no one can observe the movement. That's why my mind's a bit boggled when it comes upon that description.
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