Quest For The Black Moon

Lady Arwen56 · 09-21-2003, 01:28 AM

This is my SECOND fanfiction, my last one I didn't do so well in, so I'm starting a new one. I vetoed the other one SLIGHTLY TEMPTING, so if you are going to read it, I won't be writing anymore on it.

Chapter One
Aira sighed as a breeze brushed across her skin, and hair, and clothes. She pulled her knees to her breast, and laid her chin upon them. Aira sat on a large boulder in the middle of a green thicket, surrounded by beautiful willow trees. One of these willow's her favorite, one she had named Alasse, which meant joy. She named it this because looking at it gave her a sense of merriment, a sense of being young again.
Her once golden hair had been streak with grey, and her usually bright green eyes suddenly faded, and dull. Her name hadn't always been Aira, though she couldn't quite remember what her old one had been. Aira meant, aged, and eternal, which was extremely superb for her, as to see that she was fifteen thousand one hundred and five years old.
"Aire, Aira!" Came a soft, pretty voice from a few yards away. Aira looked up, and saw her granddaughter, Earendil, or Earen as they called her. "Yes, my sweet?" She called. Earen stepped up to her, her sea blue eyes wide with excitement. Earen was young, with long black hair, as dark as the wing of a raven, she stood straight, and tall, as did most elves. She was extremely beautiful, although extremely pale.
"Aira, hurry! The festival begins! Isil day is here!" She said, pulling her grandmother up. "Ah, Day of the Moon is it? Yes, come, we shall have great celebrations tonight, Earen." Aira said, walking out of the forest with her younger granddaughter.
"I'll meet you someplace later, I am afraid your father calls for me." Aira said as they approached the rebuilt city of Lothlorien. Earen nodded, and rushed off in another direction.
**************************************************

Earen walked slowly along the edge of a small river, watching it's many colors as it reflected the sky, and trees, and moon above. It was night, and she was far away from the festivities of Isil. She knew it only happened once every five years, and that she should be indulging herself with needless pleasures, but for some reason she found that she wanted to be alone.
"Something's not quite right about tonight." she whispered to herself, as clouds suddenly covered the full pearl white moon. The moonlight, and the river's water made her skin glow, and made it paler then usual. She sat down on the back of the river, and sudden wind brushing her hair back visciously.
There was a loud scream in her hand, and right away she knew what-who it was. She stood, and ran back to the city as fast as her white legs could carry her, tearing her dress in several places along the way.
**************************************************

No this is not the end of chapt. 1, but I figured I'd give you a cliffhanger.

Hope You liked.

Elf Girl · 09-21-2003, 10:58 AM

Alright, I'll critique this too, because, well, I love to critique, but I'll try to be gentler. Okay?

Why does this Aira have grey hair? Elves do not age once they reach adulthood. She's older than Galadriel, was she one of the original Elves that awoke? If not, what is her ancestry? Since her hair was once golden, she must be of the Vanyar or a well-known house among the Noldor whose name escapes me at the moment. If she's a Vanya, why is she in Middle-Earth? And why has she forgotten her name?

Eärendil is the male form of Quenya 'lover of the sea' or 'sea-friend', so I hope there will be explanation of why the granddaughter has a male name, especially one that was used by the famous half-elf who got the Valar to come and wage the War of Wrath at the end of the first age. Also why she has a Quenya name, if this is Lórien.

The sentence 'She was extremely beautiful, although extremely pale' doesn't flow well, and also, the paler you are, the more beautiful you are, to the Elves. (To a point- the paleness of death is certainly not attractive, but she seems to be in good health.)

You refer to the 'rebuilt city of Lothlórien', but I can't remember Caras Galadhon ever being destroyed. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

Remember that after a quotation, if you're going to say something like 'she said' the 'she' should not be capitalized. So: 'Isil day is here!' she said, instead of 'Isil day is here!' She said.

And what is this Isil day? Your readers don't know anything about it so some more detail would be nice.

What time period is this, anyway?

Um... how can moonlight and river-water make a person's skin glow? I didn't quite follow that.

And what do you mean by 'a loud scream in her hand'?

You mean the bank of the river, not its back, yes?

There are also some minor grammer errors, which I am sure a go-through by someone will catch.

Please, add some more detail. What is Isil day? What season is it? What time period is it? What color is Eärwen's dress? That sort of thing.

Lief Erikson · 09-22-2003, 01:39 AM

I liked the story, as far as it went. I wanted to say two things that I liked about the story, in particular, that I noticed.

One was how in the beginning you suddenly mention that Aira is old. This came as a surprise to me, and increased my interest. I was expecting her to be young and beautiful

.

The second thing that interested me was the flow of the second section. The turning toward tension I think was well done, because it made me, at any rate, interested in learning what happens next.

One expectation that a reader automatically gets from the author starting the story off with Aira is that she will be an important character. If the story is starting out with her, then she will have some relevance. I can't see what it is immediately from reading that first section, though the section was well written.

The main thing that really confused me, in the story, was the use of Eärendil's name on a girl, for it is a man's name.

Lief Erikson · 09-22-2003, 01:56 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Elf Girl
Alright, I'll critique this too, because, well, I love to critique, but I'll try to be gentler. Okay?

Why does this Aira have grey hair? Elves do not age once they reach adulthood. She's older than Galadriel,

Arwen said that she was about 15,000 years old. Sorry, I could be getting my history wrong, but I don't believe that that's how long Tolkien's world was supposed to have existed. I don't know how many years are in each age of Middle Earth, of course. But there is supposed also to have been a timeless period when the elves were first born. If Aria was one of them, there isn't any difficulty of age, even if 15,000 years is to the time of the dawn of the elves (which I tend to doubt).

Quote:

Originally posted by Elf Girl
was she one of the original Elves that awoke? If not, what is her ancestry? Since her hair was once golden, she must be of the Vanyar or a well-known house among the Noldor whose name escapes me at the moment. If she's a Vanya, why is she in Middle-Earth? And why has she forgotten her name?

My guess would be because of not-quite-pure elven blood.

Quote:

Originally posted by Elf Girl
Also why she has a Quenya name, if this is Lórien.

That doesn't mean she was born in Lórien.

Quote:

Originally posted by Elf Girl
You refer to the 'rebuilt city of Lothlórien', but I can't remember Caras Galadhon ever being destroyed. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

It seems to me very likely that this story is taking place in a post-LOTR environment. This would explain Aria's blood not being pure elvish, to a better extent, and her age as well. We did hear that Lórien faded. If so, then its being rebuilt by one of the nearby countries doesn't sound far fetched. Its being descendants of Arwen and other half elves that did this and dwelt there also doesn't seem unrealistic. I think that's what Arwen's assuming.

Quote:

Originally posted by Elf Girl
Um... how can moonlight and river-water make a person's skin glow? I didn't quite follow that.

It can make it appear to glow, in a way, I think. Light things do stand out in darkness, and this character has exceptionally pale skin.

Quote:

Originally posted by Elf girl
Please, add some more detail. What is Isil day? What season is it? What time period is it? What color is Eärwen's dress? That sort of thing.

Those sorts of description items would be nice. Not necessary, but yes, they would be nice

.

It was nice of you to post all of those grammatical comments too, though, which I didn't respond to. I hope I might have helped explain a few of the difficulties you had with the passage, and I don't think they all constitute errors. If Arwen wants to change any of those things, fine, but if not, I'm waiting for the next part of the story

. Might take me a while before I can get to it though, for I'm going to be off Entmoot for three or four days.

Elf Girl · 09-22-2003, 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Lief Erikson
Arwen said that she was about 15,000 years old. Sorry, I could be getting my history wrong, but I don't believe that that's how long Tolkien's world was supposed to have existed. I don't know how many years are in each age of Middle Earth, of course. But there is supposed also to have been a timeless period when the elves were first born. If Aria was one of them, there isn't any difficulty of age, even if 15,000 years is to the time of the dawn of the elves (which I tend to doubt).

True. I have seen Galadriel's age usually cited as 10,000-plus, but who knows? It's also difficult since we don't know the time period.

Quote:

Originally posted by Lief Erikson
My guess would be because of not-quite-pure elven blood.

Possible but unlikely.

Quote:

Originally posted by Lief Erikson
That doesn't mean she was born in Lórien.

True. Again, the likelihood depends on what time period this is.

Quote:

Originally posted by Lief Erikson
It seems to me very likely that this story is taking place in a post-LOTR environment. This would explain Aria's blood not being pure elvish, to a better extent, and her age as well. We did hear that Lórien faded. If so, then its being rebuilt by one of the nearby countries doesn't sound far fetched. Its being descendants of Arwen and other half elves that did this and dwelt there also doesn't seem unrealistic. I think that's what Arwen's assuming.

All of it's possible.

Quote:

Originally posted by Lief Erikson
I hope I might have helped explain a few of the difficulties you had with the passage, and I don't think they all constitute errors.

Even if they don't really constitute 'errors', doesn't Lady Arwen deserve to know that people may have trouble with certain elements in her passage, and have the chance to fix them? Whether or not they can be 'explained' by third parties is irrelevent, since most readers will not have someone to explain them.

Lief Erikson · 09-28-2003, 02:47 AM

Yes, any difficulties, if Arwen wants, are fine to let her know about. However, judging from the fact that she doesn't seem to very much want criticism (I'm guessing that from her reaction to it in her last story), I thought it probably would be best to just take the story and enjoy it.

I am interested in hearing what comes next.

Lady Arwen56 · 10-04-2003, 08:26 PM

Okay, Earendil = Venus, in Quenya, I have a whole book on elvish language, written by JRR Tolkien himself...or rather by his son. It was re-made after he died.

That's all I really have to say, besides the fact that I have my reasons for the characters that I place in this story, and their looks, and will explain in due time.

I'm in a better mood today. Oh, and forgive me for some spelling mishaps that are in the first post of mine.
I'll write more when I have time. Sorry.

Elf Girl · 10-06-2003, 04:14 PM

Are you referring to the etymologies in HoME 5?

Nothing in Quenya has been remade after Tolkien's death, no one would commit such sacralige. CT simply went through his father's notes and tried to salvage what he could.

Eärendil still means 'lover of the sea.' It must, because a famous mariner half-elf was called that. If Venus were called Eärendil, it would be in memory of Eärendil the mariner. And it's still masculine. Perhaps 'Eärendwen'?

Elf Girl · 10-07-2003, 03:11 PM

Have I mentioned I really liked the bit with the trees?

*looks back through posts*

I haven't, have I.

Well I do.

Lady Arwen56 · 10-11-2003, 09:59 AM

If you don't mind, I wish to keep the names which I placed my characters under. JRR Tolkien made a book of the Elven names he used, and Christopher Tolkien took it after he died, and published it. That's what I was talking about. If you want proof that I have it, just ask Adrian Baggins, as to see she is like my bff.

For now lets just pretend her name is really just Earen, as to see that's what we have been calling her. I haven't had time to write, but I will here in the next day or two. byez for now.

09-21-2003, 01:28 AM	#1
Lady Arwen56 Elven Warrior Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: In the land of Happy, where Rainbows are called SHINY COLORFUL RAYS OF DEATH!!!! Posts: 479	Quest For The Black Moon This is my SECOND fanfiction, my last one I didn't do so well in, so I'm starting a new one. I vetoed the other one SLIGHTLY TEMPTING, so if you are going to read it, I won't be writing anymore on it. Chapter One Aira sighed as a breeze brushed across her skin, and hair, and clothes. She pulled her knees to her breast, and laid her chin upon them. Aira sat on a large boulder in the middle of a green thicket, surrounded by beautiful willow trees. One of these willow's her favorite, one she had named Alasse, which meant joy. She named it this because looking at it gave her a sense of merriment, a sense of being young again. Her once golden hair had been streak with grey, and her usually bright green eyes suddenly faded, and dull. Her name hadn't always been Aira, though she couldn't quite remember what her old one had been. Aira meant, aged, and eternal, which was extremely superb for her, as to see that she was fifteen thousand one hundred and five years old. "Aire, Aira!" Came a soft, pretty voice from a few yards away. Aira looked up, and saw her granddaughter, Earendil, or Earen as they called her. "Yes, my sweet?" She called. Earen stepped up to her, her sea blue eyes wide with excitement. Earen was young, with long black hair, as dark as the wing of a raven, she stood straight, and tall, as did most elves. She was extremely beautiful, although extremely pale. "Aira, hurry! The festival begins! Isil day is here!" She said, pulling her grandmother up. "Ah, Day of the Moon is it? Yes, come, we shall have great celebrations tonight, Earen." Aira said, walking out of the forest with her younger granddaughter. "I'll meet you someplace later, I am afraid your father calls for me." Aira said as they approached the rebuilt city of Lothlorien. Earen nodded, and rushed off in another direction. ************************************************ Earen walked slowly along the edge of a small river, watching it's many colors as it reflected the sky, and trees, and moon above. It was night, and she was far away from the festivities of Isil. She knew it only happened once every five years, and that she should be indulging herself with needless pleasures, but for some reason she found that she wanted to be alone. "Something's not quite right about tonight." she whispered to herself, as clouds suddenly covered the full pearl white moon. The moonlight, and the river's water made her skin glow, and made it paler then usual. She sat down on the back of the river, and sudden wind brushing her hair back visciously. There was a loud scream in her hand, and right away she knew what-who it was. She stood, and ran back to the city as fast as her white legs could carry her, tearing her dress in several places along the way. ************************************************ No this is not the end of chapt. 1, but I figured I'd give you a cliffhanger. Hope You liked.

09-21-2003, 10:58 AM	#2
Elf Girl Lurker Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Lothlórien Posts: 3,419	Re: Quest For The Black Moon Alright, I'll critique this too, because, well, I love to critique, but I'll try to be gentler. Okay? Why does this Aira have grey hair? Elves do not age once they reach adulthood. She's older than Galadriel, was she one of the original Elves that awoke? If not, what is her ancestry? Since her hair was once golden, she must be of the Vanyar or a well-known house among the Noldor whose name escapes me at the moment. If she's a Vanya, why is she in Middle-Earth? And why has she forgotten her name? Eärendil is the male form of Quenya 'lover of the sea' or 'sea-friend', so I hope there will be explanation of why the granddaughter has a male name, especially one that was used by the famous half-elf who got the Valar to come and wage the War of Wrath at the end of the first age. Also why she has a Quenya name, if this is Lórien. The sentence 'She was extremely beautiful, although extremely pale' doesn't flow well, and also, the paler you are, the more beautiful you are, to the Elves. (To a point- the paleness of death is certainly not attractive, but she seems to be in good health.) You refer to the 'rebuilt city of Lothlórien', but I can't remember Caras Galadhon ever being destroyed. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. Remember that after a quotation, if you're going to say something like 'she said' the 'she' should not be capitalized. So: 'Isil day is here!' she said, instead of 'Isil day is here!' She said. And what is this Isil day? Your readers don't know anything about it so some more detail would be nice. What time period is this, anyway? Um... how can moonlight and river-water make a person's skin glow? I didn't quite follow that. And what do you mean by 'a loud scream in her hand'? You mean the bank of the river, not its back, yes? There are also some minor grammer errors, which I am sure a go-through by someone will catch. Please, add some more detail. What is Isil day? What season is it? What time period is it? What color is Eärwen's dress? That sort of thing. __________________ There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium...

10-06-2003, 04:14 PM	#8
Elf Girl Lurker Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Lothlórien Posts: 3,419	Are you referring to the etymologies in HoME 5? Nothing in Quenya has been remade after Tolkien's death, no one would commit such sacralige. CT simply went through his father's notes and tried to salvage what he could. Eärendil still means 'lover of the sea.' It must, because a famous mariner half-elf was called that. If Venus were called Eärendil, it would be in memory of Eärendil the mariner. And it's still masculine. Perhaps 'Eärendwen'? __________________ There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium...

10-07-2003, 03:11 PM	#9
Elf Girl Lurker Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Lothlórien Posts: 3,419	Have I mentioned I really liked the bit with the trees? looks back through posts I haven't, have I. Well I do. __________________ There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium...

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09-22-2003, 01:39 AM	#3
Lief Erikson Elf Lord Join Date: Dec 2000 Location: Fountain Valley, CA Posts: 6,343	I liked the story, as far as it went. I wanted to say two things that I liked about the story, in particular, that I noticed. One was how in the beginning you suddenly mention that Aira is old. This came as a surprise to me, and increased my interest. I was expecting her to be young and beautiful . The second thing that interested me was the flow of the second section. The turning toward tension I think was well done, because it made me, at any rate, interested in learning what happens next. One expectation that a reader automatically gets from the author starting the story off with Aira is that she will be an important character. If the story is starting out with her, then she will have some relevance. I can't see what it is immediately from reading that first section, though the section was well written. The main thing that really confused me, in the story, was the use of Eärendil's name on a girl, for it is a man's name.

09-28-2003, 02:47 AM	#6
Lief Erikson Elf Lord Join Date: Dec 2000 Location: Fountain Valley, CA Posts: 6,343	Yes, any difficulties, if Arwen wants, are fine to let her know about. However, judging from the fact that she doesn't seem to very much want criticism (I'm guessing that from her reaction to it in her last story), I thought it probably would be best to just take the story and enjoy it. I am interested in hearing what comes next.

10-04-2003, 08:26 PM	#7
Lady Arwen56 Elven Warrior Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: In the land of Happy, where Rainbows are called SHINY COLORFUL RAYS OF DEATH!!!! Posts: 479	Okay, Earendil = Venus, in Quenya, I have a whole book on elvish language, written by JRR Tolkien himself...or rather by his son. It was re-made after he died. That's all I really have to say, besides the fact that I have my reasons for the characters that I place in this story, and their looks, and will explain in due time. I'm in a better mood today. Oh, and forgive me for some spelling mishaps that are in the first post of mine. I'll write more when I have time. Sorry.

10-11-2003, 09:59 AM	#10
Lady Arwen56 Elven Warrior Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: In the land of Happy, where Rainbows are called SHINY COLORFUL RAYS OF DEATH!!!! Posts: 479	If you don't mind, I wish to keep the names which I placed my characters under. JRR Tolkien made a book of the Elven names he used, and Christopher Tolkien took it after he died, and published it. That's what I was talking about. If you want proof that I have it, just ask Adrian Baggins, as to see she is like my bff. For now lets just pretend her name is really just Earen, as to see that's what we have been calling her. I haven't had time to write, but I will here in the next day or two. byez for now.