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#1 |
Fowl Administrator
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Calgary or Edmonton, Canada
Posts: 53,420
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First lines
You've probably all heard the saying that to get the reader involved, you need to hook them right from the very first page, or even the very first sentence - perhaps the first line. So, here's the challenge: share the first line to a story you're writing, or even a concept you intend to write. Make it a really great hook that interests me in reading the rest of the piece. Remember, you only have so many words to work with, so use them wisely!
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All of IronParrot's posts are guaranteed to be 100% intelligent and/or sarcastic, comprising no genetically modified content and tested on no cute furry little animals unless the SPCA is looking elsewhere. If you observe a failure to uphold this warranty, please contact a forum administrator immediately to receive a full refund on your Entmoot registration. Blog: Nick's Café Canadien |
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#2 |
Cardboard Harp of Gondor Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: IM IN UR POSTZ, EDITIN' UR WURDZ
Posts: 6,433
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A rustle... Something had moved behind him. Or some things.
Slowly enough that he wouldn't frighten it if the creature was a friend, Abanor turned and faced the noise. At this time of night anything that was moving in Green Woods was likely to be more afraid of him than Abanor was of it. A gentle wind brushed past Abanor's face like a sigh, almost seeming to whisper something in a secret language. Moonlight filtered through the many tree branches and enchanted the forest with a silver glow. And yet nothing moved in the wind. It was a sigh, but not of unhappiness. It was the last wind Abanor would ever feel. ~*~*~*~*~*~ *blink* And no, he doesn't die. *evil grin* |
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#3 |
Fowl Administrator
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Calgary or Edmonton, Canada
Posts: 53,420
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Good one! The foreshadowing helps tremendously. A bit more than one line, but hey...
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All of IronParrot's posts are guaranteed to be 100% intelligent and/or sarcastic, comprising no genetically modified content and tested on no cute furry little animals unless the SPCA is looking elsewhere. If you observe a failure to uphold this warranty, please contact a forum administrator immediately to receive a full refund on your Entmoot registration. Blog: Nick's Café Canadien |
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#4 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in la la land, you know, the place you go during math class
Posts: 452
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THE STORY OF SERJ
Oh, my dear, sweet Kali, I ever love you, but this seems to be the end. I shall forever be sorry for every burden I never took myself and laid upon your back. I’m sorry for it all, though you don’t remember, or you don’t believe. I have written this for you, so you may know the truth, my dear, sweet Kali. I have left you, to find my companion elsewhere, for you didn’t deserve it. Everything that happened to me I did deserve. Please remember me, dear Kali, though memory is painful. I will always miss you. ~ Serj ~ 1 “Why do you always follow me around?” A young girl asked as she took off her headphones but didn’t stop walking down the long, wet street. “Because I have to.” A young boy replied as he walked next to the girl and raked his hands through his coffee colored hair... *** I know it's a bit more then the first line. If anybody would like to read the full story theres a link at the bottom of my sig to my FP.net page.
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LOOK A WEBSITE!!! LETS CLICK ON IT!!!!!! --------------------------------------------- AND FGF'S MOST GORGEOUS MAN ALIVE AT THE MOMENT'S AWARD GOES TO......... BRANDON BOYD (yes once again) !!!!! WOOOO!!! ---------------------------------------------- Hottness has no count for age.... thats why I'm merrying a forty year old who goes by the name of JOHNNY DEPP!!!! ----------------------------------------------- Fortune cookies tell all, so when i got the cookie telling me to date my love i became a stalker to Johnny Depp, and when i find him my excuse will be "the cookie made me do it" ------------------------------------------------ I'm not stupid, I'm special ------------------------------------------------ "But why is the rum gone?" "Captian, Catian Jack Sparrow" "pa-pa-pa parsnip, parla, --" "Just don't do anything... stupid" "WELL IT BLOODY IS NOW!" ~Captian Jack Sparrow ------------------------------------------------ Read my FP.net story!!! |
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#5 |
Eccentric Chocolate Crow
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Emerald City--Seattle, WA
Posts: 1,861
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Got a couple...
“I say,” Celine said quietly. “Have I got something right here?” (This as she gestures at a large spike through her middle...okay, so it's the beginning of a scene, not a story, but I like it.) She watched out of the corner of her eye, waiting, because she knew he would come. He always did. And when he finally showed, at almost midnight, she was there to hand him a bowl of stew and a leftover loaf of bread, to lead him down to the cellar where a special hidden room was waiting, and to show him in and kiss him goodnight and lock the door firmly behind her. (Also a bit longer than asked--but it all flows so well. ![]() It was on the morning of the fourteenth of April that Metro Bus 8464 decided it was quite fed up with everything. (This story is actually finished--gasp--I'll send it to anyone to wants to read the whole thing.) tano
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Wisdom for Short Attention Spans...Ozy and Millie. It rocks. Food Of The Gods: 3,7-dihydro-3,7-dimethyl-1H-purine-2,6-dione Feed Me.... Another Online Dwelling Place... "All right, I confess. It is my intention to comandeer a ship, pick up a crew in Tortuga, to rape, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out." -Captain Jack Sparrow "The trouble with unknown enemies is that they are so difficult to identify." -Amelia Peabody Emerson "Most people obey the orders of someone who is pointing a gun at their head." -A.P. Emerson |
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#6 |
Dread Mothy Lord and Halfwitted Apprentice Loremaster
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Thomas Aquinas College, Santa Paula, CA
Posts: 10,820
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I've posted the beginnings of two stories on here, already, and I'm sorry to say that that seems to be (almost) all I've got; the other stuff is on the other computer, and I can't access it on Internet.
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Crux fidelis, inter omnes arbor una nobilis. Nulla talem silva profert, fronde, flore, germine. Dulce lignum, dulce clavo, dulce pondus sustinens. 'With a melon?' - Eric Idle |
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#7 | |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: a castle made of clouds
Posts: 459
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Quote:
Here's mine. "Ten minutes into the drive, a dull morning rain started up over London, obscuring the city streets with an endless sheet of gray." A little too "dark and stormy night"-ish, I guess, but it improves from there. I think.
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Human kind cannot bear very much reality. dreamflower - for all things Lady Galadriel |
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#8 |
Elf Lord
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Slow down and I sail on the river, slow down and I walk to the hill
Posts: 2,389
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"Wind rustled through the dying trees with the sound of dry bones one day in late autumn."
"Sometimes I think I'm a little crazy. Not your everyday, caffeinated teenager crazy, but actually crazy. Other times, it seems I'm the only one who has a good grasp on things, and the rest of the world has gone insane. Most days, it's somewhere in between the two. Well, maybe not <i>most</i> days." There are a couple.
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“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.” –Bertrand Russell |
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#9 |
Cardboard Harp of Gondor Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: IM IN UR POSTZ, EDITIN' UR WURDZ
Posts: 6,433
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OoooooOOOO...
Now those are stories I would love to read Galadriel and S.P. ![]() The second one was a great start S.P. |
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#10 |
Deus Ex Machina
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Seattle
Posts: 1,951
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Heh, first lines, heres my somewhat over traditional first line thingy.
"Once upon a time there was a world called Kiaca and in this world was a country. The country was called Enigma because the people who lived there thought that Enigma was a nice name for a country. Enigma was ruled by a king and queen as many countries in those times were, and this story begins with them."
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"5. Plain Rings with RUNES on the inside. Avoid these like the PLAGUE.-Diana Wynne Jones Tough Guide To FantasyLand ...it's not much of a show if somebody doesn't suffer, and preferably at length. Suffering is beautiful in any case, and so is anguish; but as for loathing, and bitterness... I don't think they belong on the stage at all. - Isabella, I Gelosi |
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#11 |
My microwave speaks to me
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Having conversations with my major household appliances.
Posts: 937
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Hey that's a good one. I wouldn't mind reading it when you're done Willow. I have an idea started but besides the young aruther thingys at school (which might I ad are a complete load of bull and a waste of my some what limited talents) This will be the first story I've writen and I kinda want to make it long enough to call it a novel but it all depends on if it's good enough.
Cathy was sitting in the bright almost to painful to look at white hospital room, just stairing(sp?) into space. "How could this have happened to me?" She quietly asked herself. "It was a perfecly normal day," the young girl said thinking back on what had happened two days ago. "Cat?" Cathy's mother whispered from the door way. "Yeah mom I'm here. Do the doctors know anything yet?" "I'm so sorry baby, but they say you'll never walk again." Cathy's mother came over to hug her daughter and comfort her as best she could. "I'll show them," Cathy whispered defiantly, "I'll show them I can walk again. I will." Alright so it's a little longer than a first line but what do think? I know I need to work on my spelling and maybe dialoge but am I on the right track?
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Bah, Bah black sheep have oyu any wool? Yes sir, yes sir. Three bags full! One for the master, one for the dame, one for the little boy who lives down the lane! Bah, bah black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir. Three bags full. I'll be gone for a while. But never fear! "I shall return anon!" |
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#12 | ||
Fowl Administrator
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Calgary or Edmonton, Canada
Posts: 53,420
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Quote:
Quote:
However, I'm not sure what direction you're taking this in, so I can only say so much. It's a good place to open, though. Introducing a sense of conflict right from the beginning is always something you should aim for. Now revise it and sharpen the hook.
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All of IronParrot's posts are guaranteed to be 100% intelligent and/or sarcastic, comprising no genetically modified content and tested on no cute furry little animals unless the SPCA is looking elsewhere. If you observe a failure to uphold this warranty, please contact a forum administrator immediately to receive a full refund on your Entmoot registration. Blog: Nick's Café Canadien |
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#13 |
My microwave speaks to me
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Having conversations with my major household appliances.
Posts: 937
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Thanks. But her learning to walk again is really only the opening to hook my reader. Honestly if you want the truth that's probably the smallest conflict in the story. I've been thinking about this for a long time but this is the first time I've done anything about it.
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Bah, Bah black sheep have oyu any wool? Yes sir, yes sir. Three bags full! One for the master, one for the dame, one for the little boy who lives down the lane! Bah, bah black sheep have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir. Three bags full. I'll be gone for a while. But never fear! "I shall return anon!" |
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#14 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Parkersburg WV
Posts: 110
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I've been working on a story for about 2 years. After the prologue, this is the first half page of my beginning:
Tharn Telion stood upon the rocky coastline of northern Akaya, long black hair blown back by the strong northern winds from Mistrime Bay and beyond. The sun was shining amid a clear blue sky. Midsummer was come, yet it seemed that winter had never left. The temperature was barely above freezing, and the wind made it seem far colder. He had always loved the water, the crashing of the waves, the smell of the salty air – now it seemed that the tides of death were the only thing that the northern bay had to offer. A few seagulls rode the winds, calling to each other in their lonely voices, then flew to the east and disappeared, leaving Telion with only his thoughts to keep him company. His people, the Elminti, had finally resolved to leave their homelands of the north, giving in to the relentless cold that had slowly replaced the more moderate weather that they had enjoyed in decades past. He could remember a few of the warmer summers, but they were a distant memory, near forgotten relics of his childhood.
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Fingolfin: The Mighty Elven Lord who challenged Morgoth to single combat! |
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#15 |
A'mael Dalharen Eldarele
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Norway
Posts: 707
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The rain lashed down in dark, relentless sheets, beating on the roofslates with the sound of clashing armies, guishing in great torrents from the gutters and flowing across the slippery cobbles, chattering down towards the swollen river below.
The short man walked swiftly, pulling down his hood and dipping his head low in a futile attempt to escape the cold raindrops attacking from above. He thanked his godess ironically for his fortune of weather and pulled his cloak closer about him. The rain fell only heavier upon his shoulders, as if his prayer had been heard, but denied. "Usstan bel'la dossta kyona, Ilhar Quar'valsharess." He muttered sourly, again refering ironically to his godess. The dusk of night was slowly creeping upon the City of Erador, erasing the shadows of twilight, swallowing all light in its greedy march. The cloaked man did not seem to be bothered though, did not seem to fear the cruel and rightfully achieved reputation of this citys nightlife. Night was the hour of rogues, thieves and thugs, and lonely people walking the streets upon their hours was as seductive for a thief as a piece of mithril for a dwarf... ...yet the man did not seem to flinch, wasn't even wary of the many dark corners lining the streets of this horrid city. The man walked unbothered, as if the darkness itself knew to show its respect to his presence. The pale light from a window revealed the cheek of the mans face for merely a second as he swiftly walked by, revealing the colour of his skin. Dark violett, the skin of a highly rare elven kind, the drow. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- OOC: Thought it was about time to join this "first lines" topic. I usually try immediately to catch a certain mood in those lines, to create an atmosphere and raise perhaps a few questions in the reader... ah well... it is late ![]() ![]() ![]() Oh, and the language used in that dialogue is my try at drow language ![]()
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Atharon, where heroes are born. A constantly evolving forum rpg created by Lief Erikson, Falathion and its players. Last edited by Arat-Falathion : 08-30-2003 at 05:33 PM. |
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#16 | ||
Possessive Villain Fancier
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: On my ship, riding the waves YARR!
Posts: 2,008
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Quote:
![]() Quote:
![]() Fimbrethil, you do need to work on spelling and grammar, but the opening itself is a good emotional grab. Nice one ![]() This is the first line of my novel... The hill is steep, but I keep climbing, my only mission to reach the top. ...but to be fair it doesn't reveal a lot on its own. So this is the rest of the paragraph. Around me leaves stir, whispering at my feet and urging me on. The answers will be at the top of this hill, and all I need is to know. I glance up and see the moon is bright in the sky, the stars gentle and clear. Such clarity. How ironic. Clear as the words on the page. I flick through catching only glimpses of the words inside, the words I have read a hundred times or more, the words that shed the purest light upon every mistake I ever made. It chills me. I have been working on this for a while and have 10,000 words in four chapters, and a few bits of other chapters I just wrote when I felt like it. I don't know how good this is as an opening, but I suspect it is a little plain, so may be subject to change. ![]() ![]()
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My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies, Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly - my friends. XK |
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#17 |
Eccentric Chocolate Crow
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Emerald City--Seattle, WA
Posts: 1,861
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How about the one you're writing with your twin?
![]() She said I could read at least her parts. Would you send it to me when you're done? tano
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Wisdom for Short Attention Spans...Ozy and Millie. It rocks. Food Of The Gods: 3,7-dihydro-3,7-dimethyl-1H-purine-2,6-dione Feed Me.... Another Online Dwelling Place... "All right, I confess. It is my intention to comandeer a ship, pick up a crew in Tortuga, to rape, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out." -Captain Jack Sparrow "The trouble with unknown enemies is that they are so difficult to identify." -Amelia Peabody Emerson "Most people obey the orders of someone who is pointing a gun at their head." -A.P. Emerson |
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#18 | |
Possessive Villain Fancier
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: On my ship, riding the waves YARR!
Posts: 2,008
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Quote:
![]() Though I believe she is writing chapter one, so she'd have to write the first line here. ![]()
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My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies, Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly - my friends. XK |
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#19 |
Eccentric Chocolate Crow
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Emerald City--Seattle, WA
Posts: 1,861
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She's told me about it, a bit--sounds like a grand adventure!
![]() I'll bug her about it too. tano
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Wisdom for Short Attention Spans...Ozy and Millie. It rocks. Food Of The Gods: 3,7-dihydro-3,7-dimethyl-1H-purine-2,6-dione Feed Me.... Another Online Dwelling Place... "All right, I confess. It is my intention to comandeer a ship, pick up a crew in Tortuga, to rape, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out." -Captain Jack Sparrow "The trouble with unknown enemies is that they are so difficult to identify." -Amelia Peabody Emerson "Most people obey the orders of someone who is pointing a gun at their head." -A.P. Emerson |
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#20 |
Possessive Villain Fancier
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: On my ship, riding the waves YARR!
Posts: 2,008
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Hey Tano, you'll have to email me your address so I can email you when it's done.
I don't mind you looking at it in progress if you want to, as I have written chapters three and four already. Or alternatively you could wait for the whole thing ![]() ![]()
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My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies, Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly - my friends. XK |
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