Some Poems

[Pirate]

wow! I really like that, Nerdanel. It's very powerful and beautiful. Excelent piece of work.

[Beruthiel's cat]

Originally posted by Nerdanel

I've written my second poem in English! I just wrote it down, and I haven't really had time to think it through. But here it is anyway:


I see my hands shake
I feel my lungs cry:
>If this is what they wanted
>a body made exhausted
>by lack of fuel and loss of energy
>then I only had a pathetic vision
>and deserv this fate.
Only black energy left.

And the last and only thought
crosses my earlier so crowded mind:
>there has to be a reason
>why too much pain
>suddenly can turn into
>a gentle feeling of nothing.
No pain.

Very powerful and evocative, Nerdanel! You are doing very well in English. (Years ago, when I took German, my teacher told me that you know you've reached proficiency when you start to dream in German. Have you started dreaming in English yet??)

By the way -- just a picky thing here (and you said you haven't had a chance to look it over yet) but it's deserve. It has one of those pesky silent e's on the end -- they show up without rhyme or reason most of the time. They are one of the banes of learning to spell in English. Don't be discouraged. English is just a really messed up language!

And thank you once again for your kind comments on my poem.

[Nerdanel]

Thank you very much, Beruthiel's Cat and Pirate! I'm really glad you liked it.

Originally posted by Beruthiel's cat
By the way -- just a picky thing here (and you said you haven't had a chance to look it over yet) but it's deserve. It has one of those pesky silent e's on the end -- they show up without rhyme or reason most of the time.

I know that. My stupid typing errors..

I dream in Swedish, Finnish and English, yes. Quite a mess

[Lady Ravyn]

really awesome poem, nerdanel! u can dream in more than one language? i thought all your dreams would be in your "mother tounge" *shrug* huh, learn something every day

well, i return with a poem...

"The Storm"

Once I ran with the storm.

I would climb on my dark cloud
and ride it across the sky, laughing.
Summer gails were my companions,
and lightning was my apponent(sp?)
in never-ending races.

Always, I ran with the storm.

As I grew to adolescence,
thunder grew to be my friend.
We would run through the vallies.
and over the mountains,
proclaiming our presense on this earth.

I no longer run with the storm.

I stand in this field,
and I see the flashing anger
and raging passion
that I used to follow.
The wind combs my hair,
brushes my cheek-
a lover's caress.
My eyes glow with fury,
my voice lifts in ecstasy.

I am the storm.

[Nerdanel]

Wow, Lady Ravyn, wow!

*applause!*

That's a really wonderful and strong poem! Very beautiful words, you use them brilliant(ly?), and also a very strong way to group the sentences.

I can't wait to read another one of your poems!

[Nerdanel]

Ok, here's one more in English.
PLEASE say what you really think! I want to know what I can do better!

You’re the rain
that slowly
and gently
touches my warm soul.

You’re the wind
that confidently
and firmly
keeps my breath going.

You’re the sun
that carefully
and softly
warms my mortal life.

So please,
come and take me
take me out of the cold
take me to the place
where we’re alone
> alone together.

And then give me
your nutritious love.
>The love of a gentle rain
>a confident wind
>and a soft sun.

Take me.

I use the > symbol to mark where the indentation should be.

[Rosie Gamgee]

Pretty good. Evocative (boy, I think I use that word too much when discribing poetry- but peotry is supposed to be evocative, so...). I don't think the word 'nutritious' really fits at the end there. It seems to spoil the parallel (spl?) of nature and lovers and get one thinking about food or something.

Lady Ravyn, that poem was SO COOL! I thought maybe at the end you were gonna say something like 'The storm passed me by', and then you came out with 'I am the storm'- whew, that was like lightning. A very electrifying poem, I think.

[Rosie Gamgee]

Here's one I wrote a few days ago. Dedicated to my dad, and all other guys who are loosing their hair.

Only Weeds
by Rosie G.

"You're going bald," my doctor said
But it's just weeds atop my head.
It came to me as I sat it bed
They're only weeds atop my head!

My discov'ry began one day
My kids and I went out to play
My eldest son exclaimed, "Dad, you're bald!"
Luckily then the lunch-bell called.

I did escape my son's remark
But that night was not such a lark
When my wife rolled over in our bed
Shouting, "Honey! Look at your head!"

I went to my doctor today
He took one look, I heard him say,
In a delighted way "Yep, you're bald!"
But that name I dread to be called.

Yes, it's true, I dread to be 'Bald'
It's your name whne your hair has falled
Now any new person that you meet
Will think 'That bald guy down the street'

Tonight I stare at my room's walls
Lamenting each hair as it falls
But a thought came to my balding head-
They're only weeds atop my head!

I read once in a gard'ning book
That weeds destroy a garden's look.
Well, grey hair wouldn't look good on me
So from that problem now I'm free!

The book said, too, weeds must be picked
I've already got that job licked!
A little combing's all that's needed-
Soon I'll be forever 'weeded'!

"Weeds stop growth," I recall reading-
That's a joy for one who's weeding!
Six-foot-two I had wanted to be;
Rid of these 'weeds' I'll be six-foot-three!

Well I thank goodness for that book
And for my great new 'weeded' look
Now, no more will I be known as 'Bald'-
'Weeded' I prefer to be called.

So if your hairline is receeding
Just remember- you need weeding!
And if it's balding that you dread
Remember- they're only weeds atop your head!

[Beruthiel's cat]

Nerdanel, that's another excellent effort! I like it very much overall, but, like Rosie, the word "nutritious" is startling. It's not a word I've seen in a poem before. It does fit within the context of the stanza, but it's a surprising word, an unexpected word. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing, but because it is such an unexpected image, it may detract from the rest of the poem and deflect attention away from what you are trying to say.

Another thing (and this is very subjective on my part). Your use of the contraction "you're" lends a somewhat informal quality to the feeling of the poem. I lean toward using "you are" and shy away from contractions (I'll probably turn around and use contractions in the next poem I write...), because I feel poetry is a somewhat more formal way of writing than prose. But the use of contractions almost (in this case) gives the poem a folk song-like quality, almost an informal feeling. Do you want to project that? If you do, that's fine.

I don't mean to be too critical here. I'm giving you my impressions. I'm still impressed by your command of the English language and it puts many native-speakers (and writers) to shame. Nice work.

[Rosie Gamgee]

Here's one more. I don't think I posted it here before.

Here's A Friend For Life
by: Rosie G.

I sat all alone, just crying.
All by myself in a corner of a mall.
I sobbed for a friend when I had none
And for a kindred spirit when- where could one be found?
>I felt a hand on my shaking shoulder
A warm, friendly hand to ease my pain.
I looked up into eyes that understood me
Eyes that knew my picnic-day rain.

He said,
>Here, use this hankie
>Wipe your eyes, I'm your friend
>Don't cry anymore
>I'll stick with you come what may.

People are bigger when they stick together.
Yes, two are better when times get rough.
If one slips, one's there to help
If one cries, there's an extra shoulder here.
>We stuck through the bad times
Weathered storms the best of friends
Sometimes things got too rough for me
And I cried again.

He said,
>Here, use this hankie
>Wipe your eyes, I'm your friend
>Don't cry anymore
>I'll stick with you come what may

Add faith and love to solid friendship
Reap a kindred spirit for life.
Get through bad times like a rock
Gather good times like sea-shells.
>Sit together saying nothing-
Does it mean as much to you?-
When you share time and space and air
But leave so much more to do?

>Here's a friend for life

I sat all alone, just crying.
My snow-white dress was clean.
My hair was perfect, and so was my joy
And so I wept my happiness.
>I felt a hand on my shoulder,
A warm, friendly hand of care
I looked into confessing eyes
Eyes that promised, "I'll always be there."

He said,
>Here, use this hankie
>Wipe your eyes, I'm your friend
>Don't cry anymore
>I'll stick with you come what may.

[Beruthiel's cat]

Originally posted by Rosie Gamgee
Here's one I wrote a few days ago. Dedicated to my dad, and all other guys who are loosing their hair.

Only Weeds
by Rosie G.

"You're going bald," my doctor said
But it's just weeds atop my head.
It came to me as I sat it bed
They're only weeds atop my head!

My discov'ry began one day
My kids and I went out to play
My eldest son exclaimed, "Dad, you're bald!"
Luckily then the lunch-bell called.

I did escape my son's remark
But that night was not such a lark
When my wife rolled over in our bed
Shouting, "Honey! Look at your head!"

I went to my doctor today
He took one look, I heard him say,
In a delighted way "Yep, you're bald!"
But that name I dread to be called.

Yes, it's true, I dread to be 'Bald'
It's your name whne your hair has falled
Now any new person that you meet
Will think 'That bald guy down the street'

Tonight I stare at my room's walls
Lamenting each hair as it falls
But a thought came to my balding head-
They're only weeds atop my head!

I read once in a gard'ning book
That weeds destroy a garden's look.
Well, grey hair wouldn't look good on me
So from that problem now I'm free!

The book said, too, weeds must be picked
I've already got that job licked!
A little combing's all that's needed-
Soon I'll be forever 'weeded'!

"Weeds stop growth," I recall reading-
That's a joy for one who's weeding!
Six-foot-two I had wanted to be;
Rid of these 'weeds' I'll be six-foot-three!

Well I thank goodness for that book
And for my great new 'weeded' look
Now, no more will I be known as 'Bald'-
'Weeded' I prefer to be called.

So if your hairline is receeding
Just remember- you need weeding!
And if it's balding that you dread
Remember- they're only weeds atop your head!

YAY!!! That is so cute, Rosie!!! Slip that into your dad's Father's Day card and give him a big hug!!

My dad is bald, too, and he started losing his hair when he was in his early 20's. He's had to put up with our bald jokes for a long time!!! He tried the comb-over thing for quite awhile, but he has now gone for the "natural" look, and, frankly, it looks a lot better than the comb over did. Just be sure to tell your dad to wear sunscreen on the top (or a hat) when he goes out in the sun!

[Rosie Gamgee]

Heh heh, yeah, I razz my dad all the time about his bald head. He puts up with it rather patiently, but gets back at me in other ways. He thought the poem was hilarious.

[Lady Ravyn]

Originally posted by Nerdanel
Ok, here's one more in English.
PLEASE say what you really think! I want to know what I can do better!

You’re the rain
that slowly
and gently
touches my warm soul.

You’re the wind
that confidently
and firmly
keeps my breath going.

You’re the sun
that carefully
and softly
warms my mortal life.

So please,
come and take me
take me out of the cold
take me to the place
where we’re alone
> alone together.

And then give me
your nutritious love.
>The love of a gentle rain
>a confident wind
>and a soft sun.

Take me.

I use the > symbol to mark where the indentation should be.

[Lady Ravyn]

Originally posted by Nerdanel
Ok, here's one more in English.
PLEASE say what you really think! I want to know what I can do better!

You’re the rain
that slowly
and gently
touches my warm soul.

You’re the wind
that confidently
and firmly
keeps my breath going.

You’re the sun
that carefully
and softly
warms my mortal life.

So please,
come and take me
take me out of the cold
take me to the place
where we’re alone
> alone together.

And then give me
your nutritious love.
>The love of a gentle rain
>a confident wind
>and a soft sun.

Take me.

I use the > symbol to mark where the indentation should be.

thanxs, nerd!

i love your poem, but since you wanted a crit, here's mine: i think you might rethink the second-to-last verse; you use "take", like, maybe one too many times; maybe "remove" might be better? or "fly" or "sail" or something?
also, again, i know i always say this, but on your next one, try to REALLY think about your line breaks. what i like to do is after i write a poem, go back and break the lines a couple different ways, and then keep the one that seems to flow the best. just a suggestion for your next one
not trying to be mean, just giving your poem some serious thought, that's all

[Lady Tinuveil]

All That is Gold
By: JRR Tolkien

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken:
The crownless again shall be king.

[Lady Ravyn]

lol; i have that one written on the cover of almost every one of my notebooks that i write in. it's probably my fav tolkien poem

[Nerdanel]

Thanks for the response, Rosie Gamgee, Beruthiel's cat and Lady Ravyn! It really helps to hear your thoughts! Don't be afraid to say what you think; I'm not that sensitive.
Thanks again!

[Giroth]

Here is something I wrote back when I was like 5 or 6 years old....LOL.....

MACKADEEM

There once was a place called Mackadeem
Where things were not always what they seemed.
Books' pages had letters that turned into dots
Zebras had stripes that turned into spots.
People woul laugh then start to cry,
Next time I go there will be when pigs fly!


hahahhaa....*runs away embarassed

[Nerdanel]

Originally posted by Giroth
Here is something I wrote back when I was like 5 or 6 years old....LOL.....

MACKADEEM

There once was a place called Mackadeem
Where things were not always what they seemed.
Books' pages had letters that turned into dots
Zebras had stripes that turned into spots.
People woul laugh then start to cry,
Next time I go there will be when pigs fly!


hahahhaa....*runs away embarassed

Sweet, you little genius

[Giroth]

heheheha, thanky.... *dances and knocks something over