05-14-2004, 07:24 PM | #161 |
Enting
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wow! I really like that, Nerdanel. It's very powerful and beautiful. Excelent piece of work.
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"In a thousand years, there will be no men and women, just wankers, and that's fine by me. " ~Renton, Trainspotting |
05-17-2004, 09:35 AM | #162 | |
mystical divinity of Unashamed Felinity
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Quote:
By the way -- just a picky thing here (and you said you haven't had a chance to look it over yet) but it's deserve. It has one of those pesky silent e's on the end -- they show up without rhyme or reason most of the time. They are one of the banes of learning to spell in English. Don't be discouraged. English is just a really messed up language! And thank you once again for your kind comments on my poem.
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"Never try to out-stubborn a cat!" -- R. Heinlein ~~~~~~~~~ "But I don't want to be among mad people, " Alice remarked. "Oh, but you can't help that," said the Cat; "We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad." "How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice. "You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here." ~~ Lewis Carroll ~~~~~~~~~~~ Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana... |
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05-17-2004, 09:48 AM | #163 | |
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Thank you very much, Beruthiel's Cat and Pirate! I'm really glad you liked it.
Quote:
I dream in Swedish, Finnish and English, yes. Quite a mess
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05-18-2004, 12:24 PM | #164 |
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really awesome poem, nerdanel! u can dream in more than one language? i thought all your dreams would be in your "mother tounge" *shrug* huh, learn something every day
well, i return with a poem... "The Storm" Once I ran with the storm. I would climb on my dark cloud and ride it across the sky, laughing. Summer gails were my companions, and lightning was my apponent(sp?) in never-ending races. Always, I ran with the storm. As I grew to adolescence, thunder grew to be my friend. We would run through the vallies. and over the mountains, proclaiming our presense on this earth. I no longer run with the storm. I stand in this field, and I see the flashing anger and raging passion that I used to follow. The wind combs my hair, brushes my cheek- a lover's caress. My eyes glow with fury, my voice lifts in ecstasy. I am the storm.
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*smooch* Proud Member of the Evil Mooters and upstanding citizen of the Planet Bob! And all you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be... My Space! Cynicism is what happens when a person opens their eyes; stops blinking in the sun, and starts wondering "why". Question everything, believe only that which you yourself deem true. Go ahead- Call me cynical. |
05-18-2004, 03:51 PM | #165 |
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Wow, Lady Ravyn, wow!
*applause!* That's a really wonderful and strong poem! Very beautiful words, you use them brilliant(ly?), and also a very strong way to group the sentences. I can't wait to read another one of your poems!
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05-19-2004, 06:41 PM | #166 |
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Ok, here's one more in English.
PLEASE say what you really think! I want to know what I can do better! You’re the rain that slowly and gently touches my warm soul. You’re the wind that confidently and firmly keeps my breath going. You’re the sun that carefully and softly warms my mortal life. So please, come and take me take me out of the cold take me to the place where we’re alone > alone together. And then give me your nutritious love. >The love of a gentle rain >a confident wind >and a soft sun. Take me. I use the > symbol to mark where the indentation should be.
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"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. " - C. Sagan My (photography) website My Flickr page Last edited by Nerdanel : 05-19-2004 at 06:43 PM. |
05-20-2004, 09:46 AM | #167 |
The Lovely Hobbit-Lass
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Pretty good. Evocative (boy, I think I use that word too much when discribing poetry- but peotry is supposed to be evocative, so...). I don't think the word 'nutritious' really fits at the end there. It seems to spoil the parallel (spl?) of nature and lovers and get one thinking about food or something.
Lady Ravyn, that poem was SO COOL! I thought maybe at the end you were gonna say something like 'The storm passed me by', and then you came out with 'I am the storm'- whew, that was like lightning. A very electrifying poem, I think.
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It's New Years Day, just like the day before; Same old skies of grey, same empty bottles on the floor. Another year's gone by, and I was thinking once again, How can I take this losing hand and somehow win? Just give me One Good Year To get my feet back on the ground. I've been chasing grace; Grace ain't so easily found One bad hand can devil a man, chase him and carry him down. I've got to get out of here, just give me One Good Year! |
05-20-2004, 09:57 AM | #168 |
The Lovely Hobbit-Lass
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Here's one I wrote a few days ago. Dedicated to my dad, and all other guys who are loosing their hair.
Only Weeds by Rosie G. "You're going bald," my doctor said But it's just weeds atop my head. It came to me as I sat it bed They're only weeds atop my head! My discov'ry began one day My kids and I went out to play My eldest son exclaimed, "Dad, you're bald!" Luckily then the lunch-bell called. I did escape my son's remark But that night was not such a lark When my wife rolled over in our bed Shouting, "Honey! Look at your head!" I went to my doctor today He took one look, I heard him say, In a delighted way "Yep, you're bald!" But that name I dread to be called. Yes, it's true, I dread to be 'Bald' It's your name whne your hair has falled Now any new person that you meet Will think 'That bald guy down the street' Tonight I stare at my room's walls Lamenting each hair as it falls But a thought came to my balding head- They're only weeds atop my head! I read once in a gard'ning book That weeds destroy a garden's look. Well, grey hair wouldn't look good on me So from that problem now I'm free! The book said, too, weeds must be picked I've already got that job licked! A little combing's all that's needed- Soon I'll be forever 'weeded'! "Weeds stop growth," I recall reading- That's a joy for one who's weeding! Six-foot-two I had wanted to be; Rid of these 'weeds' I'll be six-foot-three! Well I thank goodness for that book And for my great new 'weeded' look Now, no more will I be known as 'Bald'- 'Weeded' I prefer to be called. So if your hairline is receeding Just remember- you need weeding! And if it's balding that you dread Remember- they're only weeds atop your head!
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It's New Years Day, just like the day before; Same old skies of grey, same empty bottles on the floor. Another year's gone by, and I was thinking once again, How can I take this losing hand and somehow win? Just give me One Good Year To get my feet back on the ground. I've been chasing grace; Grace ain't so easily found One bad hand can devil a man, chase him and carry him down. I've got to get out of here, just give me One Good Year! |
05-20-2004, 10:05 AM | #169 |
mystical divinity of Unashamed Felinity
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Nerdanel, that's another excellent effort! I like it very much overall, but, like Rosie, the word "nutritious" is startling. It's not a word I've seen in a poem before. It does fit within the context of the stanza, but it's a surprising word, an unexpected word. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing, but because it is such an unexpected image, it may detract from the rest of the poem and deflect attention away from what you are trying to say.
Another thing (and this is very subjective on my part). Your use of the contraction "you're" lends a somewhat informal quality to the feeling of the poem. I lean toward using "you are" and shy away from contractions (I'll probably turn around and use contractions in the next poem I write...), because I feel poetry is a somewhat more formal way of writing than prose. But the use of contractions almost (in this case) gives the poem a folk song-like quality, almost an informal feeling. Do you want to project that? If you do, that's fine. I don't mean to be too critical here. I'm giving you my impressions. I'm still impressed by your command of the English language and it puts many native-speakers (and writers) to shame. Nice work.
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"Never try to out-stubborn a cat!" -- R. Heinlein ~~~~~~~~~ "But I don't want to be among mad people, " Alice remarked. "Oh, but you can't help that," said the Cat; "We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad." "How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice. "You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here." ~~ Lewis Carroll ~~~~~~~~~~~ Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana... |
05-20-2004, 10:08 AM | #170 |
The Lovely Hobbit-Lass
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Here's one more. I don't think I posted it here before.
Here's A Friend For Life by: Rosie G. I sat all alone, just crying. All by myself in a corner of a mall. I sobbed for a friend when I had none And for a kindred spirit when- where could one be found? >I felt a hand on my shaking shoulder A warm, friendly hand to ease my pain. I looked up into eyes that understood me Eyes that knew my picnic-day rain. He said, >Here, use this hankie >Wipe your eyes, I'm your friend >Don't cry anymore >I'll stick with you come what may. People are bigger when they stick together. Yes, two are better when times get rough. If one slips, one's there to help If one cries, there's an extra shoulder here. >We stuck through the bad times Weathered storms the best of friends Sometimes things got too rough for me And I cried again. He said, >Here, use this hankie >Wipe your eyes, I'm your friend >Don't cry anymore >I'll stick with you come what may Add faith and love to solid friendship Reap a kindred spirit for life. Get through bad times like a rock Gather good times like sea-shells. >Sit together saying nothing- Does it mean as much to you?- When you share time and space and air But leave so much more to do? >Here's a friend for life I sat all alone, just crying. My snow-white dress was clean. My hair was perfect, and so was my joy And so I wept my happiness. >I felt a hand on my shoulder, A warm, friendly hand of care I looked into confessing eyes Eyes that promised, "I'll always be there." He said, >Here, use this hankie >Wipe your eyes, I'm your friend >Don't cry anymore >I'll stick with you come what may.
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It's New Years Day, just like the day before; Same old skies of grey, same empty bottles on the floor. Another year's gone by, and I was thinking once again, How can I take this losing hand and somehow win? Just give me One Good Year To get my feet back on the ground. I've been chasing grace; Grace ain't so easily found One bad hand can devil a man, chase him and carry him down. I've got to get out of here, just give me One Good Year! |
05-20-2004, 10:13 AM | #171 | |
mystical divinity of Unashamed Felinity
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YAY!!! That is so cute, Rosie!!! Slip that into your dad's Father's Day card and give him a big hug!! My dad is bald, too, and he started losing his hair when he was in his early 20's. He's had to put up with our bald jokes for a long time!!! He tried the comb-over thing for quite awhile, but he has now gone for the "natural" look, and, frankly, it looks a lot better than the comb over did. Just be sure to tell your dad to wear sunscreen on the top (or a hat) when he goes out in the sun!
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"Never try to out-stubborn a cat!" -- R. Heinlein ~~~~~~~~~ "But I don't want to be among mad people, " Alice remarked. "Oh, but you can't help that," said the Cat; "We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad." "How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice. "You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here." ~~ Lewis Carroll ~~~~~~~~~~~ Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana... |
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05-20-2004, 10:27 AM | #172 |
The Lovely Hobbit-Lass
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Heh heh, yeah, I razz my dad all the time about his bald head. He puts up with it rather patiently, but gets back at me in other ways. He thought the poem was hilarious.
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It's New Years Day, just like the day before; Same old skies of grey, same empty bottles on the floor. Another year's gone by, and I was thinking once again, How can I take this losing hand and somehow win? Just give me One Good Year To get my feet back on the ground. I've been chasing grace; Grace ain't so easily found One bad hand can devil a man, chase him and carry him down. I've got to get out of here, just give me One Good Year! |
05-20-2004, 07:41 PM | #173 | |
Thief Queen of Entmoot
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Quote:
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*smooch* Proud Member of the Evil Mooters and upstanding citizen of the Planet Bob! And all you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be... My Space! Cynicism is what happens when a person opens their eyes; stops blinking in the sun, and starts wondering "why". Question everything, believe only that which you yourself deem true. Go ahead- Call me cynical. |
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05-20-2004, 07:48 PM | #174 | |
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thanxs, nerd! i love your poem, but since you wanted a crit, here's mine: i think you might rethink the second-to-last verse; you use "take", like, maybe one too many times; maybe "remove" might be better? or "fly" or "sail" or something? also, again, i know i always say this, but on your next one, try to REALLY think about your line breaks. what i like to do is after i write a poem, go back and break the lines a couple different ways, and then keep the one that seems to flow the best. just a suggestion for your next one not trying to be mean, just giving your poem some serious thought, that's all
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*smooch* Proud Member of the Evil Mooters and upstanding citizen of the Planet Bob! And all you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be... My Space! Cynicism is what happens when a person opens their eyes; stops blinking in the sun, and starts wondering "why". Question everything, believe only that which you yourself deem true. Go ahead- Call me cynical. |
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05-20-2004, 08:50 PM | #175 |
Elven Warrior
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~
All That is Gold
By: JRR Tolkien All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken: The crownless again shall be king. |
05-21-2004, 10:35 PM | #176 |
Thief Queen of Entmoot
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lol; i have that one written on the cover of almost every one of my notebooks that i write in. it's probably my fav tolkien poem
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*smooch* Proud Member of the Evil Mooters and upstanding citizen of the Planet Bob! And all you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be... My Space! Cynicism is what happens when a person opens their eyes; stops blinking in the sun, and starts wondering "why". Question everything, believe only that which you yourself deem true. Go ahead- Call me cynical. |
05-22-2004, 03:03 PM | #177 |
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Thanks for the response, Rosie Gamgee, Beruthiel's cat and Lady Ravyn! It really helps to hear your thoughts! Don't be afraid to say what you think; I'm not that sensitive.
Thanks again!
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05-23-2004, 08:24 PM | #178 |
The Dragonqueen
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Here is something I wrote back when I was like 5 or 6 years old....LOL.....
MACKADEEM There once was a place called Mackadeem Where things were not always what they seemed. Books' pages had letters that turned into dots Zebras had stripes that turned into spots. People woul laugh then start to cry, Next time I go there will be when pigs fly! hahahhaa....*runs away embarassed
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Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost 'So choose today whom you will serve..as for me and my family we wil serve the Lord.' " Now if you were a hot dog,and you were starving,would ya eat yourself? I know I would! First I'd smother myself in brown mustard and relish..I'd be so delicious!" It's pronounced 'Hether', not 'Heether', biznotch! |
05-24-2004, 12:12 PM | #179 | |
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"Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. " - C. Sagan My (photography) website My Flickr page |
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05-24-2004, 04:08 PM | #180 |
The Dragonqueen
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heheheha, thanky.... *dances and knocks something over
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Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost 'So choose today whom you will serve..as for me and my family we wil serve the Lord.' " Now if you were a hot dog,and you were starving,would ya eat yourself? I know I would! First I'd smother myself in brown mustard and relish..I'd be so delicious!" It's pronounced 'Hether', not 'Heether', biznotch! |
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