The Jokes Thread - Page 7

Glorious Glorfindel · 05-03-2002, 04:03 PM

tee hee. i like those blonde one's Khamul! tee heeeee!!!!!!!!!!

***Khamûl*** · 05-03-2002, 09:37 PM

I have a million more where those came from.

Blonde jokes are one of my specialties.

Since I've been so mean... here's a smart blonde joke.

A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business,and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

Enjoy it while it lasts. That's probably the only smart blonde joke you'll ever see.

Eruviel Greenleaf · 05-04-2002, 12:05 AM

lol. 'Tis a good joke, the smart blonde one. For some reason I can never remember jokes. Well, I remember only a few. forgive me if this one's been posted before. ..
A skeleton walks into a bar, and orders a beer, and a mop.

galadriel88 · 05-04-2002, 10:42 AM

Great jokes everybody. This one is actually a Far Side cartoon, some of you may have seen it before, but anyways I'm going to try to describe it for you.

There is a sign outside a building that says, "School For The Gifted." The door says "Pull" and there's a boy standing there pushing on it with all his might.

ArwenEvenstar · 05-04-2002, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Arathorn
LOL! I know of a similar one that compares 2 storey and 20 storey buildings.

Here's another joke:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, setup their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evidence the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

my BF told me that and i said if there in a tent how can u see the stars...

emplynx · 05-04-2002, 10:02 PM

Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While visiting Europe, he is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Toni Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it? Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Gore agrees and Clinton hangs up.

Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.

Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State
Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims. "I know the answer Al! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!!

And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

elf_princess · 05-04-2002, 10:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by eowyn144

*blows nose and hands back tissue*
thankyou!

Why thank you! I have another addition to my dirty tissue collection... how considerate!

Eruviel Greenleaf · 05-05-2002, 10:04 PM

Could we please refrain from too many political jokes, as that is likely to start a flame war or similiar disaster. Please.

Elf Girl · 05-07-2002, 07:25 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Eruviel Greenleaf

Could we please refrain from too many political jokes, as that is likely to start a flame war or similiar disaster. Please.

Heehee. I'm a Democrat, but that joke was just funny. Anyway, *refrains from saying something that might start a flame war*

Eruviel Greenleaf · 05-07-2002, 09:28 AM

Well, I'm Green Party, and I thought it was kinda funny, but I know if I started with the political jokes, people would not be pleased with me, not at all! So I think it best if we just keep polotics out of it. . .

Moondancer · 05-07-2002, 10:41 PM

A woman is sitting at home one evening and she turns on the radio to listen to the news. After a little while, the traffic reporter comes on with a special announcement to tell people that there is a car driving the wrong way down the freeway.

The woman becomes concerned because this is the freeway her husband takes on his way home from work. She gets on the phone and calls her husband on the cell-phone.

"Honey, be very careful," she says. "There is a driver going the wrong way down the freeway!"

"What do you mean one?" her husband says. "There's hundreds of them!"

Moondancer · 05-11-2002, 08:27 PM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are traveling through the desert. After a time, the Lone Ranger sees a town up ahead and spurs his horse on. Tonto runs along beside.

When they reach the town, the Lone Ranger rides up to the bar and ties his horse to the hitching post. He notices that his horse seems to be very hot so he turns to Tonto and says, "Tonto, would you mind running around my horse to create a breeze that will cool him down?"

Tonto agrees and starts to run while the Lone Ranger goes inside the bar to get his drink. After he has had a few glasses, another man enters the bar and says, "Whose white horse is that outside?" The Lone Ranger says, "Mine. Why?"

"Well," the man says, "you left your injun running."

Andúril · 05-12-2002, 05:43 AM

Did you hear what happened to little Jonny?

What?

He went to the shop. On the way he was attacked, killed, and cut in tiny pieces. At least that's how the cops found him...he was taken away in plastic packets.

Thats terrible!

I know. The last thing he said to his mother was "I'll be back in a jiffy"

Aeryn · 12-08-2002, 08:07 PM

Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table.
"Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal.
"Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second.
"Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.

Blackboar · 12-10-2002, 01:32 PM

lol lol lol lol lol lol lol!!!!!!!

All these jokes are so funny!!

I wish I could think of one!

Blackboar · 12-10-2002, 01:53 PM

All these blond ones are offending

*SOB sob*

No there funny, but fortunately not accurate!!!

Well O.K my head sounds hollow when I punch it. All my m8s say
I'm really dense. I'm always falling over. I often walk into
things. I'm always forgetting something. I'm always extremely
random. And I never shut up!

BUT ITS NOT BCOZ IM BLOND!!!!!

zavron · 12-10-2002, 02:45 PM

A man walks into a bar naked with just some clingfilm around his waist.

The barman says ''I can clearly see you're Nuts!''
.................................................. .................................................. .....

Two peanuts walk into a bar.

One was a-salted.
.................................................. .................................................. .....

Two arials meet, fall in love and get married.

The ceromony was rubbish, but the reception was Brilliant!
.................................................. .................................................. .....

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm.

he said ''A pint please and one for the road!''
.................................................. .................................................. .....

''Doctor, doctor!''
''yes.''
''well...I have five penisis!''
''Wow!!! How do your pants fit?''
''Like a Glove!!''

Blackboar · 12-11-2002, 04:54 PM

All these jokes are so funny!!!!!!

I've printed them all off to show to my mates!!!!!!

Celandine · 02-17-2003, 09:23 PM

What did the grape say when the fat man stepped on him?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine!!

Why did the turtle cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!!

Where do polar bears keep their money?
In the snow bank!!

Rána Eressëa · 02-18-2003, 11:38 PM

Heh, heh . . . the following is not to be taken seriously. Ever!

Beliefs (or Ideas) of the World

Taoism: Crap happens.
Buddhism: If crap happens, it's not really crap.
Zen: What is the sound of crap happening?
Confusianism: Confucius says, "Crap happens."
Hare Krishna: Crap happens, rama rama, ding ding.
Hinduism: I've seen this crap before.
Islam: If crap happens, it is the will of Allah.
Judaism: Why does crap always happen to us?
Jehovahs Witness: Knock, knock, crap happens.
Protestantism: Crap happens because you don't work hard enough.
Catholicism: Crap happens because you're bad.
New Age: That's not crap, it's feldspar.
Wicca: If crap happened once, it will happen twice more.
TV Evangalism: Send more crap.
Atheism: I don't believe this crap.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good crap happening.
Agnosticism: Maybe crap happens, maybe it doesn't.
Stoicism: This crap doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this crap.

05-03-2002, 04:03 PM	#121
Glorious Glorfindel Elven Warrior Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: im too doped up to remember Posts: 371	tee hee. i like those blonde one's Khamul! tee heeeee!!!!!!!!!! __________________ A Elbereth Gilthonial Silivren penna miriel o menal aglar elenath Na-chaered palan-diriel o galadhremmin ennorath Fanuilos, le linnathon nef aear, si nef aearon! add a drop of lavander to milk. leave town with an orange and pretend you're laughing at it.

05-03-2002, 09:37 PM	#122
*Khamûl* Slacker Warrior Admin Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Alabama Posts: 2,759	I have a million more where those came from. Blonde jokes are one of my specialties. Since I've been so mean... here's a smart blonde joke. A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business,and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?" Enjoy it while it lasts. That's probably the only smart blonde joke you'll ever see. __________________ "If the giving of information is to be the cure of your inquisitiveness, I shall spend all the rest of my days in answering you." Gandalf to Pippin Psalm 107:31

05-04-2002, 12:05 AM	#123
Eruviel Greenleaf Alcoholic Villain-Fancying Elf Pirate Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Lyonesse Posts: 4,547	lol. 'Tis a good joke, the smart blonde one. For some reason I can never remember jokes. Well, I remember only a few. forgive me if this one's been posted before. .. A skeleton walks into a bar, and orders a beer, and a mop. __________________ Eruviel Greenleaf in a past life. "Whoever has come to understand the world has found only a corpse, and whoever has found a corpse is superior to the world." -The Gospel of Thomas SQUAWK!

05-04-2002, 10:42 AM	#124
galadriel88 Halfwitted Queen of Lothlorien Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Far off in a dream Posts: 1,166	Great jokes everybody. This one is actually a Far Side cartoon, some of you may have seen it before, but anyways I'm going to try to describe it for you. There is a sign outside a building that says, "School For The Gifted." The door says "Pull" and there's a boy standing there pushing on it with all his might. __________________ The beuatiful mind/The beautiful heart/Doesn't deserve the pain/How can I stop the rain? -How Can I Stop the Rain? by Kessid, my new favorite band +Every good thing that comes into my life is only a reflection of the greatest gift of all; the offering of yourself, dear Son of God+ Always remember, you're uniqe, just like everybody else! "The one constant through all the years has been the Trombone. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. Its been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again, but the Trombone has marked the time. This field, this section, this band is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and could be again. Oh, people will come . . . people will most definitely come."

05-05-2002, 10:04 PM	#128
Eruviel Greenleaf Alcoholic Villain-Fancying Elf Pirate Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Lyonesse Posts: 4,547	emplynx. . . Could we please refrain from too many political jokes, as that is likely to start a flame war or similiar disaster. Please. __________________ Eruviel Greenleaf in a past life. "Whoever has come to understand the world has found only a corpse, and whoever has found a corpse is superior to the world." -The Gospel of Thomas SQUAWK!

05-04-2002, 10:02 PM	#126
emplynx Self-Appointed Lord of the Free Peoples of the General Messages Join Date: Nov 2001 Posts: 1,214	Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While visiting Europe, he is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Toni Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it? Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and goodbye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Gore agrees and Clinton hangs up. Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot." Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims. "I know the answer Al! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!! And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."

05-07-2002, 09:28 AM	#130
Eruviel Greenleaf Alcoholic Villain-Fancying Elf Pirate Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Lyonesse Posts: 4,547	Well, I'm Green Party, and I thought it was kinda funny, but I know if I started with the political jokes, people would not be pleased with me, not at all! So I think it best if we just keep polotics out of it. . . __________________ Eruviel Greenleaf in a past life. "Whoever has come to understand the world has found only a corpse, and whoever has found a corpse is superior to the world." -The Gospel of Thomas SQUAWK!

05-07-2002, 10:41 PM	#131
Moondancer Hobbit Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: U.S.A Posts: 22	A woman is sitting at home one evening and she turns on the radio to listen to the news. After a little while, the traffic reporter comes on with a special announcement to tell people that there is a car driving the wrong way down the freeway. The woman becomes concerned because this is the freeway her husband takes on his way home from work. She gets on the phone and calls her husband on the cell-phone. "Honey, be very careful," she says. "There is a driver going the wrong way down the freeway!" "What do you mean one?" her husband says. "There's hundreds of them!" __________________ "He didn't fall! Inconceivable!" "You keep on using that word. I do not think that it means what you think it means." --Princess Bride

05-11-2002, 08:27 PM	#132
Moondancer Hobbit Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: U.S.A Posts: 22	The Lone Ranger and Tonto are traveling through the desert. After a time, the Lone Ranger sees a town up ahead and spurs his horse on. Tonto runs along beside. When they reach the town, the Lone Ranger rides up to the bar and ties his horse to the hitching post. He notices that his horse seems to be very hot so he turns to Tonto and says, "Tonto, would you mind running around my horse to create a breeze that will cool him down?" Tonto agrees and starts to run while the Lone Ranger goes inside the bar to get his drink. After he has had a few glasses, another man enters the bar and says, "Whose white horse is that outside?" The Lone Ranger says, "Mine. Why?" "Well," the man says, "you left your injun running." __________________ "He didn't fall! Inconceivable!" "You keep on using that word. I do not think that it means what you think it means." --Princess Bride Last edited by Moondancer : 05-11-2002 at 08:31 PM.

05-12-2002, 05:43 AM	#133
Andúril The Original Corruptor Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 2,881	Did you hear what happened to little Jonny? What? He went to the shop. On the way he was attacked, killed, and cut in tiny pieces. At least that's how the cops found him...he was taken away in plastic packets. Thats terrible! I know. The last thing he said to his mother was "I'll be back in a jiffy"

12-08-2002, 08:07 PM	#134
Aeryn Bank'ress of Sith Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: In a hot-hot place, heh Posts: 913	Three couples went to a resturant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table. "Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal. "Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second. "Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third. __________________ my new account name feigndeath. This one is deactivated, I think.

12-10-2002, 01:32 PM	#135
Blackboar Legolas's beloved sister and Queen of the Wood Elves of Mirkwood Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Under the hill at Bag-end, Hobbiton the Shire Or Rivendell,I can't remember!!!!!!!!!! Posts: 1,086	lol lol lol lol lol lol lol!!!!!!! All these jokes are so funny!! I wish I could think of one!

12-10-2002, 01:53 PM	#136
Blackboar Legolas's beloved sister and Queen of the Wood Elves of Mirkwood Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Under the hill at Bag-end, Hobbiton the Shire Or Rivendell,I can't remember!!!!!!!!!! Posts: 1,086	All these blond ones are offending SOB sob No there funny, but fortunately not accurate!!! Well O.K my head sounds hollow when I punch it. All my m8s say I'm really dense. I'm always falling over. I often walk into things. I'm always forgetting something. I'm always extremely random. And I never shut up! BUT ITS NOT BCOZ IM BLOND!!!!!

12-10-2002, 02:45 PM	#137
zavron Chieftain of The Order of The Blue Flame Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: I am a Figment of your Imagination!!! OOOHHHH!!! Posts: 1,729	A man walks into a bar naked with just some clingfilm around his waist. The barman says ''I can clearly see you're Nuts!'' .................................................. .................................................. ..... Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a-salted. .................................................. .................................................. ..... Two arials meet, fall in love and get married. The ceromony was rubbish, but the reception was Brilliant! .................................................. .................................................. ..... A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. he said ''A pint please and one for the road!'' .................................................. .................................................. ..... ''Doctor, doctor!'' ''yes.'' ''well...I have five penisis!'' ''Wow!!! How do your pants fit?'' ''Like a Glove!!'' __________________ Visit http://nilore.suddenlaunch2.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ''ASH NAZG DUBARTULUK, ASH NAZG GIMBATUL, ASH NAZG THRAKATULUK AGH BURZUM--ISHI KRIMPATUL...ash nazg, ash nazg......'' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gil- galad was an elven king. Of him the harpers sadly sing: the last whose realm was fair and free between the mountains and the sea. His sword was long, his lance was keen, his shinig helm afar was seen; the countless stars of heaven's field were mirrored in his silver shield. But long ago he rode away, and where he dwelleth none can say; for into darkness fell his star in mordor where the shadows are. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12-11-2002, 04:54 PM	#138
Blackboar Legolas's beloved sister and Queen of the Wood Elves of Mirkwood Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Under the hill at Bag-end, Hobbiton the Shire Or Rivendell,I can't remember!!!!!!!!!! Posts: 1,086	All these jokes are so funny!!!!!! I've printed them all off to show to my mates!!!!!!

02-17-2003, 09:23 PM	#139
Celandine Elven Warrior Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Seattle Posts: 168	What did the grape say when the fat man stepped on him? Nothing, he just let out a little wine!! Why did the turtle cross the road? Because it was the chicken's day off!! Where do polar bears keep their money? In the snow bank!! __________________ If you look in a mirror it surely would crack My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone You can do it a trot, you can do it at a gallop, you can do it at a rate so your heart don't palpatate, just don't be late, do the PUYALLUP and in the morning i'm makin' WAFFLES We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of oz. Because, because, because, because, BECAUSE of the wonderful things he does. I am a banana. All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel, the monkey thought it was all in fun, POP goes the weasel Do you think Chelsey's smart? Texaco, star of the American Road! You can trust your car with the man who wears the star at the big bright texaco star!! TEXACO FOREVER!!! It's texaco.com http://www.texaco.com/texaco/

02-18-2003, 11:38 PM	#140
Rána Eressëa The Rogue Elf Join Date: Jan 2002 Posts: 1,722	Heh, heh . . . the following is not to be taken seriously. Ever! Beliefs (or Ideas) of the World Taoism: Crap happens. Buddhism: If crap happens, it's not really crap. Zen: What is the sound of crap happening? Confusianism: Confucius says, "Crap happens." Hare Krishna: Crap happens, rama rama, ding ding. Hinduism: I've seen this crap before. Islam: If crap happens, it is the will of Allah. Judaism: Why does crap always happen to us? Jehovahs Witness: Knock, knock, crap happens. Protestantism: Crap happens because you don't work hard enough. Catholicism: Crap happens because you're bad. New Age: That's not crap, it's feldspar. Wicca: If crap happened once, it will happen twice more. TV Evangalism: Send more crap. Atheism: I don't believe this crap. Hedonism: There's nothing like a good crap happening. Agnosticism: Maybe crap happens, maybe it doesn't. Stoicism: This crap doesn't bother me. Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this crap.

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