They'd never say that! (part 2)

[me9996]

(Bilbo in Smaugs cave)
Smaug: Huh? Who's there?
Bilbo: I AM!
(Bilbo steps out of the shadow)
Bilbo: I hold the one ring! You must bow to me!
Smaug: I think I'll just go back to my nap.
Bilbo: What? I comand you by the ring! Bend to my will!
Smaug: Oh yeah? How's this for your will?!?
(Smaug breaths fire against Bilbo, Bilbo is incinerated, Gandalf shows up out'a nowhere)
Gandalf: Say! The one ring can be distroyed by dragon-fire!
Smaug: NOW will you little people let me sleep?
Gandalf: Yes! And thank you for your help with my grand sceme to distroy the one ring!
Smaug(while going to sleep): Brag, brag, brag... Always takeing credit for... zzz...
Gandalf: Takeing credit for... YOU'RE SAYING I MADE MY SCEME UP AFTER BILBO BURNED UP?!? WHY YOU?!?
(Gandalf starts kicking Smaug but Smaug is fast asleap and doesn't nodice)

[me9996]

(The orcs takeing Merry and Pippen to isenguard)
Mounten orc 1: We must stop! We can't run under the sun!
Ugluk: Oh yeah? Well...
(We hear music and a bunch of Uruk-Hai line up into a chorus line)
Ugluk(Singing): Oh, I'm a uruk-hai and I'm okay, I run all night and I run all day!
Uruk-Hai chorus(Singing): Oh, he's an uruk-hai and he's okay, he runs all night and he runs all day!
(Right then the riders of rohan charge in and kill all the orcs, flinging donuts everwhere)

[me9996]

(Counsel of Elrond)
Elrond: We have come here, to find the fate of THE ONE SPOON! TO RULE THEM ALL!!!
(Dramatic music)
Gandalf: Frodo, the spoon.
(Frodo goes to the thingy in the middle of the balcony and puts a silver spoon on it)
Boramir: Gasp! It's-
(Quickpan to a minstrel with a mandolin or something)
Minstrel(Singing): The Spoon of Doooom The Spoon of Doooom...
(Quickpan back to the counsel of Elrond, everyone looks rather confused but they are all the same places and positions we left them in)
Boramir: What in the- What was THAT?!?
Elrond: I don't know, but I don't think we should get close to-
(Quickpan the the minstrel)
Minstrel(Singing): The Spoon of Doooom! The Spoon of Doooom!
(Quickpan back to the counsel, everyone is in the exact positions we left them in)
Boramir: ... I don't think I'm going to be able to endure this much longer.
Elrond: Well let's get the bisness at hand, what are we to do with that over there.
Gandalf: Isn't it our path clear as the sky?
Elrond: It's cloudy today.
Gandalf: ... Well we need to fling that into the fires of mount doom.
Elrond: So... Who will take -ahem- it into the fires of mount doom?
Frodo: I will take it to mount doom.
(Quickpan the minstrel)
Minstrel(Singing): Frodo, of nine fingers chose bring the spoon to mount doom! Mount doom! Mount doooom!
(Quickpan back)
Boramir(Riseing and drawing his sword): I'm gonna kill that clown!!
Elrond: Boramir, sit down. It's not worth it.
(Boramir sits down grumbleing)
Elrond: Now, master Frodo-
(Quickpan back the minstral)
Minstrel(Singing): Frodo, of the nine fingers-
(A shot rings out and the minstrel spins around and falls flat on his face, quickpan back, Elrond has a litteral smokeing gun in his hands)
Boramir: Whatever happened to "It's not worth it"?
Elrond: It's much easier to use a gun.
Boramir: Were'd that gun come from anyway?
Elrond: With all the matrix paradys I'm in...
Boramir: Ah, let's go on with the counsel.
Elrond: Huh? Oh yeah, the spoon of doom.
(Quickpan back to the minstrel who is being carried off on a strecher by two medics in white coats)
Minstrel(Singing weakly): The spoon of doooom... The spoo' of doooooo...
Medic 1: He's delirious.
Medic 2: We'd better get him to the doctor quick!
(Quickpan back, everyone in quiet)
Gandalf:... Well, I guess we'd better get going quick.
(Everyone quickly agrees)
Elrond: Well let's figure out who's going with frodo tomorrow, counsel adjourned!
(Everyone leaves quickly)

[me9996]

(Christmas eve night: Bag end, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin are haveing a party)
Frodo: To the ring!
Other hobbits: The ring!
(They hold up mugs of eggnog, then lower them and drink out of the mugs)
Merry(To sam): This is fun party, eh?
Sam(Slurred speech): My precious...
Merry: Hey Frodo? I think Sams had too much eggnog
Frodo: That's funny, this is just eggnog and milk, no alcohol!
(Noise from the roof)
Merry: Huh? What's that?
(Out from the fireplace pops Tom Bombadill)
Tom Bombadill: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
Frodo: But it's not Christmas yet.
(Moments pause and then the clock starts strikeing the hour)
Frodo: Allright, now it's christmas.
Tom Bombadill: I have brought presants for christmas!
Merry: Oh goody!
(The clock stops strikeing the hour)
Pippin: Oi! Frodo! The clock struck 13!
Sam(Slurred speech): Oh poor thirteen!
Tom Bombadill: What's with him?
Frodo: I don't know, it's just eggnog and milk, no alcohol!
Tom Bombadill: Well here's the presants!
(Tom Bombadill takes out gifts from his bag)
Tom Bombadill: I now I go to deliver presants to all the other good little children!
Pippin: Um, sir? We're not children, we're hobbits!
Tom Bombadill: Eh?
(Ol' Bombadillo takes out some glasses and puts them on)
Tom Bombadill: Oh, so you are, my bad.
Merry: Nice going pip!

[me9996]

Before this first one I'd like to say that this isn't just my spelling reaching new lows.
I have given the heros of the fellowship new humorus names by design.
(Plus Orcas and bratworst from lothlordian)
__________________
(Amon Hen)
Legless: Grimli! Argon! Ferry and Pipe'n have been kidnapped by orcas!
Argon: And Boardmere is dead!
Grimli: Oh poor Boardmere!
Argon: Everthing has been going wrong since Grandelf died!
Grimli: What about Toto and Ham?
Argon: I think they got away in one of the bratworst of lothlordian.
Legless: We'd better attend to the body of Boardmere.
Argon: And then to tracking down the orcas that took Ferry and Pipe'n.
__________________
Okay, now to things that don't depend on humorus spelling.
__________________
(The fellowships deparure from Lothlorian)
Gimli: Ah, cram...
(Takes a bite out of some sausage from the bag, then eats it all)
Elf1: Haha! Don't eat anymore!
Gimli: I thought it was cram.
Elf1: It is, but we call it waysausage or bratworst, one sausage can keep a full grown man on his feet through a day of hard labor.
__________________
(Same place)
Gimli: Ah, bagels...
(Takes a bite out of a donut from the bag, then eats it all)
Elf1: Haha! Don't eat anymore!
Gimli: I thought it was a bagel.
Elf1: It is, but we call it donuts...
__________________

[me9996]

I know it's the same day but I didn't think adding onto the last post would be a good idea.
__________________
(Battle of helms deep from book, when Aragorn and company are returning back into the fortress)
That other guy(I forget who!): Look out! Orcs are comeing after us!
Aragorn: Oh no!
(Out from the shadows jumps Gimli)
Gimli(All while in air): Kazad-dum! My menu! Oompa-loompa! Icky icky pang! Zarum-zaboinga! NI! PANG!! NUAM!!!
(Gimli finaly hews off the heads of the orcs persueing Aragorn and company)
Aragorn: I never knew dwarves could float in the air that long.
Gimli: Hang time! YEAH!!!
__________________

[me9996]

(Councel of Elrond)
Elrond: Frodo, the ring.
(Frodo bring the ring out)
Elrond: Now, if you will all exuse me...
(Elrond takes the ring and runs!)
Erond(In the distance): MY PRECIOUS!!!
__________________
That's gotta be my shortest councel of Elrond bit ever!
__________________
(Pelenor fields)
Eowen: I am no man! I'm... A LUMBERJACK!
(Or posably a lumberjill)
__________________
Eowen: I am no man! I'm a space alien!
(Takes off helmet to show that she is a space alien)
__________________
Eowen: I ... AM your father!
Lead Nasgul: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
__________________
Eowen: I am no man!
Lead Nasgul: Please keep your clothes on...
__________________
Eowen: I am no man!
Lead Nasgul: Niether am I!
__________________
Eowen: I am no man!
Lead Nasgul: As I have said before, you are human and so something like an elf or a dwarf-
Eowen: Or a hobbit?
Lead Nasgul: Yeah, I guess a hobbit, what would a hobbit-
(Lead Nasgul is stabbed in the back by Merry)
__________________
Eowen: I am no man!
Lead Nasgul: Oh hobbits.
Merry: Yeeeesssss?
Lead Nasgul: Oh hobbits.
(Merry stabs the Lead Nasgul)
__________________
Eowen: I am no man!
Lead Nasgul: Then what are you? A cat?
__________________
Eowen: I am no man!
(Lead Nasgul is run over by a truck)
__________________
Eowen: I am no man! I am Eowen! Daughter of- Hey! Come back here!
(We see that the Lead Nasgul has been edgeing away)
__________________
Eowen: I am no man!
Lead Nasgul: I don't have any problems with hitting a lady if you're trying to convince me not to kill you.
Eowen: Er, no.
__________________
Eowen: I am no man!
Lead Nasgul: EH?
Eowen: I said, I AM NO MAN!
Lead Nasgul: YER NOT MAD? WELL THANK 'EE!
Eowen: UGH!
Lead Nasgul: YA WANT A HUG?!
__________________

[me9996]

(Coucel of Elrond)
Elrond: We are here to discuss the one ring to rule them all, Frodo, the ring.
(A seven foot tall hobbit sets down a ring, everone nearby looks like they've smelled something bad as soon as they see the ring -exept Legolas, who seems to be blind)
Legolas: What? What is it?
Glorfindal: It's a ring! I loath the presence of it!
Aragorn: Then don't take the presents! HAHAHA!!
Boramir: Ahem.
(Everyone turns to Boramir, who is only four feet tall)
Boramir: It is clear that we need to distroy this thingy-ma-jig!
Elrond: Aw, can't we find some other way?
Boramir:... No.

[Beren3000]

Tolkien: The Ring is an allegory for sin!
---------------------------------------------------
Tolkien: I like The Chronicles of Narnia, really original stuff!
---------------------------------------------------
Fëanor: What? You guys aren't coming along? Fine! Let's just stay here then.
---------------------------------------------------
Gandalf: I will give you a straight answer; I don't like beating around the bush.
---------------------------------------------------
Sauron (in drag): Whose dumb idea was it to make rings of power? I wanted to make charm bracelets of power!
---------------------------------------------------
Legolas: But we've been to the beach last weekend. Can't we go to the movies instead?
---------------------------------------------------
Illuvatar: What's with all the singing? Can't a god catch some sleep around here?
---------------------------------------------------
Gimli: Shiver me timbers!
---------------------------------------------------
Beren: I'm a manly man who doesn't need to be rescued by his girlfriend!
---------------------------------------------------

[me9996]

Eowen: I am no-
(Eowen is killed by Tom Bombadill)
Bombadill: Allright! The next one to try that gag shares her fate!
Lead Nasgul: Thank you!
Bombadill: Well I aint human, am I? So I can kill you, can't I?
(Tom Bombadill is run over by a passing 18-wheeler)
Lead Nasgul: ... Does this mean I can leave now?
(Enter Goldberry)
Goldberry: *Gasp!* Tom is dead!
Lead Nasgul: I didn't do it!
(Lead Nasgul runs and is chased by Goldberry who is now swinging around a two-handed sword)
Lead Nasgul: HELP!!!
(Enter Gimli, armed with a machine gun)
Gimli: Kazad-Dum my menu'!
(Gimli shoots wildly killing Goldberry but missing the Nasgul entirely)
Gimli: Oops.
Pippin: Now I will kill you nasty Nasgul!
Merry: But I'm the one who kills him!
Lead Nasgul: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
(Lead Nasgul runs down the streets of Minas Tirith screaming, all the way warrior try to kill him but end up hitting other warriors, meanwhile at the top of the city)
Denethor: I will burn like kings of old! And there's nothing you can do-
(Enter Lead Nasgul still screaming)
Gandalf: What the?
(Denethor kills Lead Nasgul -the end)
__________________
(Frodo and Sam are marching along with the orcs in mordor)
Sam: How are we going to get out of this one Mr. Frodo?
???(Off screen): Oi! What are you doing?
Big orc(Off screen): We're takeing these guys to war! Ya got a problem with that?
???(Off screen): Do they want to go?
Big orc(Off screen): What? No, and if you ask again I'll gut your-
???(Off screen): Then by the order of knighthood I persist I must free them!
Big orc(Off screen): What? Why I'll- ACK!
Frodo: Looks like hope sam!
(Then who should come in spearing orcs left and right but Don Quixote)
Frodo: RUN!!!
(Sam and Frodo run)
__________________

[me9996]

(Council of Elrond)
Elrond: So this is the one ring to rule them all, we must distroy it!
???:Exuse me, could I have that back?
Elrond: Huh?
(Then who should enter but Souron himself, Elrond screams like a girl at this)
Souron: Exuse me, but I'd like my ring back.
Gandalf: But it's the one ring to rule them all!
Souron: *Laughs* I can't beleave you fell for that old rumor!
Gandalf: Huh? What do you-
Souron: The ring never had any power! Rings don't have magical powers!
Bilbo: But when I put on the ring I turned invisable!
Souron: It was all in your head! You think it will turn you invisable but the ring had nothing to do with it!
Bilbo: But hobbits don't just turn invisable.
Souron: It probably had more to do with the nuclear mill Ted Sandyman set up than my ring.
Legolas: What about Gollum?
Souron: He's just crazy... And I just want my ring back.
Elrond: I still don't trust you.
Souron: Oh come on! Those days are over! I'm trying for cultural victory now.
Elrond: What?!
Souron: Oh yeah, I have started my orcs on building a wonder and once it is done only 400 years till I win!
Frodo(Wispering to Elrond): I think he's played a bit too much age of empires.

[Ingwe]

^ LoLoL ROFLCOPTER that killed me with laughter. A lot of these did.

- The first meeting of the Fellowship after Frodo awakens from his "OMG the ring has been destroyed and the inertia of it put me into a coma" coma -

Aragorn: "How exactly did you destroy the Ring, Frodo?"
Frodo: "I gave it to Gollum because he was suicidal and so he took it with him on his way to the lava."
Legolas: "I killed lots of orcs."
Frodo: "O RLY?"
Legolas: "YA RLY!"
Aragorn: "NO WAI, You don't say!"
Legolas: "YA WAI!"
Frodo (whispering to Sam): "Is it just me or is Legolas in love with himself?"
Sam (whispering back to Frodo): "Hmm, and I thought it was just my imagination."
Frodo (whispering to Sam): "Oh, I thought he was in love with Gimli."
Sam (responding in a whisper): "Nah, Gimli rejected him because he was in love with Galadriel."
Frodo: "Oh wow, I wonder if Celeborn knows?"
Sam: "Nah, and even if he did, no one punches a Dwarf."
Legolas: "Um, what was that Frodo and Sam?"
Frodo: "Oh oh, nothing. I was just discussing with Sam that we should make an effort to get tickets to the Superbowl next year."
Legolas: "Oh...did I mention I killed a Mumakil and slid down its trunk whilst it was falling dead to the ground after I put three arrows in its head, ALL AT ONCE!!??!"
Frodo: "Wow, that's quite a feat."
Aragorn (whispering to Gimli): "I get what you Dwarves meant by Elves being full of themselves."
Legolas: "HEY! I heard that!"
Gimli: "Don't put an arrow in him, calm down boy!"
Legolas: "I am no BOY, Dwarf!"
* Gimli raises his axe. *
Gimli: "What happened to 'what about side-by-side with a friend'?"
Legolas: "To Udun with that!"
Aragorn: "Relax relax relax, Legolas. We're friends, that's what we do. It's just that Frodo has a story to tell us as well. No doubt Middle Earth will hear about your feats when you release your book."
Legolas: "I hope 'I am Legolas, So Can You' becomes a best-seller."
Sam: "Ah, nothing will be better than 'Star Wars Episode I' which is coming out in May of next year."
Pippin: "I heard that it's already in production, but that the acting is really bad."
Frodo: "Can we get back to the Ring perhaps?"
Merry: "Hey Frodo, this is STAR WARS! It's the biggest thing that's ever happened, EVER!"
* Frodo rolls his eyes, so does Aragorn. *
Sam: "Oooh, I've heard that the kid in the first movie gets a big black suit in the third movie and becomes super duper dag-nasty evil!"
Legolas: "I wonder, me versus Darth Vader..."
Gimli: "You're dreaming, Elf."
* Legolas gives Gimli a nasty death-stare. *
Frodo: "Sam, I thought you said that the tale of the Ring would be the greatest story a Hobbit ever wrote!?"
Sam: "Well this is Star Wars!"
Frodo: "Sam....."
Sam: "Okay, we'll talk about the stupid rings!"
Frodo: "Well, so this is how I survived the Morgul blade...."
* Galadriel walks in. *
Galadriel: "Did you just hear the news you guys???!! STAR WARS!!!"
* Everyone except Frodo cheers. *
Aragorn: "Hey, I thought you said we wouldn't meet again, upon our last meeting."
Galadriel: "Yeah, but now Star Wars is coming out, so everything's changed! It is the one theatrical production to rule them all!"
Frodo: "Galadriel! What gives!?"
Galadriel: "Now that the Ring is gone, we can now concentrate on our next mission!"
* Elrond walks in. *
Elrond: "We must go to Orthanc. Apparently Star Wars was originally one of Saruman's early works that Faramir and Eowyn have been remastering in THX!"
Sam: "THX...what does that stand for?"
Elrond: "Not fully aware. I think it means Thanks...as in 'Thanks for the really cool graphics and special effects.'"
Gandalf: "The journey to Orthanc might be dangerous. We shall take the hobbits, the self-inundated Elf, the angry Dwarf, the King, and the grumpy wizard...erm wait a minute..."
* Glorfindel walks in. *
Glorfindel: "Oh dang it! I don't get to go AGAIN!?"
Galadriel: "I like cheese."
Gandalf: "Galadriel is right, cheese is good!"
Elrond: "Then it is agreed. But we only have 8 in the Fellowship now. Who else is to go, since I like the number 9 and I'm obsessive-compulsive like that...?"
Glorfindel (whispering loudly, as if someone outside the room is talking): "Glorfindel...Glorfindel."
* Everyone ignores Glorfindel. *
* Haldir walks in. *
Aragorn: "How about Haldir!? Um...wait a minute. I thought you were dead!"
Haldir: "I WAS!"

* DUN DUN DUN....... *

[me9996]

Thanks!
__________________
(Pelenor field)
Lead Nasgul: No man may slay me!
Eowen: I am no man!
Lead Nasgul: But you are part of the race of men anyway, aren't you?
Merry: So I can kill you!
Eowen: No, you're a male hobbit so you can't kill him.
Merry: I'm not human so I can kill him!
Eowen: But you're a guy! I'm not a guy so I can kill him and you can't!
(Arwen marches in and kills the Lead Nasgul)
Arwen: I am neither a Guy nor a human! So there!
Peter Jackson: You aren't in the scean!
Arwen: I wasn't at the river crossing with the nasgul either! So there!

[me9996]

Sam: I am Sam! Sam I am! Would you like some Lembras bread?
Gollum: NO! NASTY ELF BREAD! Do you hear what I said? I don't like elf bread!
Sam: Would you eat in with a Mumukil? Would you please eat your fill?
Gollum: I will not eat it with a Mumukil! I do not like elf bread! I do not like it I said!
Sam: Would you eat it with an elf? It would be bad to-
Gollum: NOOOO!!!!

[me9996]

Theoden: We shall go to war! That is, as soon as my lucky undershirt gets back from the cleaners.
Errend Rider: But by then the orcs will be feasting! Enjoying the spoilers -I mean spoils- of Minas Tirith!
Theoden: Then let us disturb their feasting! I'm not going to war without my lucky undershirt!
__________________
(Aragorn looking down from the walls of Helms deep)
Aragorn: Look, the dawn comes!
Uruk-Hai 1: What do we care? We are fighting Uruk-Hai! We fight all day and we-
(Uruk-Hai 1 is knocked out by Uruk-Hai 3, who is tired of these songs)
Uruk-Hai 2: And besides, that's not the dawn! That's the midnight sun!
Aragorn: The what??
Uruk-Hai 2: In the most northernly parts of the world in the dead of winter the sun occasionally rises around midnight due to Middle Earth's rotation.
Aragorn: ... Huh?
Uruk-Hai: It'll go down again in a little while.
Aragorn: ... The treachery of Saruman runs deeper than we thought! He has spun Middle Earth to make the sun rise at midnight!
Assembled goodguys: OH NO!!!
__________________
(Near Fangorn, the orcs who captured Merry andd pippin pull up in Jeeps)
Ugluk: Get a fire going!
(A few orcs go do this, the others just unload)
Uruk-Hai 3: We ain't had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days!
Funny sounding orc: Yeah!
(Funny sounding orc looks over at the jeep with Merry and Pippin in it)
Funny sounding orc: What about them? They're fresh!
Ugluk: What? No! Windshield wipers are not for eating!
Funny sounding orc: Aw...
__________________

[me9996]

Late Christmas one... Realy late...
__________________
(Merry, Pippin, Frodo, and Sam are christmas carroling)
Hobbits(Singing): We wish you a merry christmas, we-
Aragorn: Guess what! I found out what figgy pudding is!
Pippin: What is it?
Aragorn: It's sorta' like a steamed cake, it takes hours to cook though.
Pippin: That sounds gross!
Aragorn: Here! I made one!
(Aragorn takes out a figgy pudding that looks realy realy bad)
Hobbits: EW!!!
(The hobbit leave in a hurry)
Aragorn: Wait up!
(Aragorn chases after them)
__________________

[me9996]

Has it ever happened to anyone else to be almost the only poster on a thread?
__________________
(Councel of Elrond)
Elrond: And now, we gather here to deside the fate of the one ring.
(Everyone looks at the ring, which is somehow on a pedistal in the middle of the room)
Elrond: So... Any ideas?
Gandalf: Well we must fling it into-
(Light ringing noise, like a small bell)
Gandalf(Heavy german accent): The kracks off doom! The only question iz:
(Same ringing noise)
Gandalf(French accent): Who will take zee ring to zee cracks of zee doom?
Frodo: I will take the ring!
(Ringing noise again)
Gandalf(Jamacan accent): But you can't go alone mon! We must-
(Ringing noise)
Gandalf(English accent): send some people with you, pip pip, cheerio!
Aragorn: I will go!
Legolas: I will go!
Gimli: I will go!
Sam: I will go!
(Ringing noise)
Gandalf(American surfer accent): But we still -like- need more -like- people dudes!
Merry & Pippin: We'll go!
Boramir: I'd better come along to keep an eye on that ring.
(Ringing noise)
Gandalf(Indian accent): Okay then, I will come too and we will be the fellowship of the-
(Ringing noise)
Gandalf(Rushen accent): Ring.

[Jon S.]

No.

[me9996]

(Point where Gandalf tells Frodo about the ring)
Gandalf: Frodo, hand me the ring.
Frodo: Okay...
(Frodo slowly hands Gandalf the ring, Gandalf flings the ring in the fire)
Frodo: AHHH!!!
Gandalf: Don't worry, it won't melt.
Frodo: But it's in the fire!
Gandalf: No it isn't, it's behind your ear!
(Gandalf takes the ring out from behind Frodo's ear)
Frodo(Very annoyed): Gandalf!! Will you quit the this simple conjuring of cheap tricks?!?

[me9996]

Tom Bombadill(Singing): Oh I'm Tom Bombadill and I'm okay! I skip all night and I skip all day!
Tree chorus(Singing): Oh he's Tom Bombadill and he's okay! He skips all night and he skips all day!
Tom Bombadill(Singing): Oh I'm Tom Bombadill and I'm okay! I gather white lillys for my pretty lady!
Tree chorus(Singing): Oh he's Tom Bombadill and he's okay! He gather white lillys for his pretty lady...
Tree 2: Huh?
Tree 3: I quit!
(Tree chorus leaves)
Tom Bombadill: Hey! Come back here or I'll sing your leaves off!
Tree2(Off stage): You allready are!