10-20-2006, 04:11 AM | #801 | |
Fëanorophobic
Join Date: May 2004
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Quote:
A guy is talking to his psychiatrist: -Doctor, sometimes I think I'm a teepee, other times I think I'm a wigwam. -You're just too tense. (If you don't get it say it out loud) Q: Where does the king keep his armies? A: Up his sleevies! Two guys walk into a bar: one ducks while the other is knocked on his back. Good day to you |
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10-20-2006, 04:26 AM | #802 |
An enigma in a conundrum
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Thanks for those--I needed an early morning laugh.
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Vizzini: "HE DIDN'T FALL?! INCONCEIVABLE!!" Inigo: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." |
10-20-2006, 09:56 AM | #803 | |||
Friendly Neigborhood Sith Lord
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Quote:
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I was Press Secretary for the Berlioz administration and also, but not limited to, owner and co operator of fully armed and operational battle station EDDIE Quote:
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10-20-2006, 01:36 PM | #804 |
Dread Mothy Lord and Halfwitted Apprentice Loremaster
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No, it ACTUALLY goes: "Two guys walked into a bar; you'd think the second one would duck."
But seriously, I imagine those are all just different versions of the same joke. If one is the original, I highly doubt any of us will ever know it.
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Crux fidelis, inter omnes arbor una nobilis. Nulla talem silva profert, fronde, flore, germine. Dulce lignum, dulce clavo, dulce pondus sustinens. 'With a melon?' - Eric Idle |
10-20-2006, 07:41 PM | #805 |
The Chocoholic Sea Elf Administrator
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You know, I never ever realised just what was the joke in that until a minute ago...
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We are not things. |
10-21-2006, 12:39 AM | #806 | |||
Friendly Neigborhood Sith Lord
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Quote:
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I was Press Secretary for the Berlioz administration and also, but not limited to, owner and co operator of fully armed and operational battle station EDDIE Quote:
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10-21-2006, 08:43 AM | #807 | |
Fëanorophobic
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Between the pages of a book
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Quote:
Here's some more corny jokes: Two birds fly into a bar. The bar tender asks: "How may I help you?" The birds go: "We just want to wet our beaks!" Two donuts were in an oven when one goes: "Is it just me or is it really hot in here?" The other one goes: "Holy sh**! A talking donut!" Q: How do you put 2 elephants in a bottle without them touching? A: Put a third one between them. |
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10-21-2006, 10:18 PM | #808 |
Fenway Ranger, Lord of Red Sox Nation
Join Date: Aug 2005
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*chuckles* I loved the donut one.
Here's one I picked up off of another website... It was about 7:00 or 8:00 PM on Halloween night. There's two fifth-graders there, who have chosen the church cemetary as an ideal spot for conducting some very important business: sorting out their enormous cache of candy and dividing it fairly. So, they begin to divide it: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you." Unfortunately, a few pecans (picked up from a slightly eccentric neighbor), roll away from them, and wind up by the fence of the cemetary. Not willing to stop, however, the boys continue counting the candy that they do have. "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you." A little eight year-old boy, just back from his trick-or-treating, is walking back home when he hears the noise coming from the cemetary. At first, he hides behind a tree, but then slowly creeps forward, closer to the cemetary. And then he hears the boys counting: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you." And with that, the hairs on the back of his neck stand straight up, and he turns tail and runs faster than greased lightning, away from the cemetary. Still running away, he runs into an old man. The fellow stops him, and asks, "Why, young feller, what's the matter there? You don't need to be rushing around this here time of night." Breathless, the boy blurts out, "In the cemetary, I heard it! It's God and the Devil, dividing up souls! Come-listen!" "Are you crazy, you whippersnapper!" "Yes-I mean, no! Come with me-" Rolling his eyes, the old man reluctantly agrees to follow the poor kid back to the cemetary. As they approach, the noise from the tombstones grows louder: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me..." "You're right," whispers the old man. "Now what to do?" And that's when one of the two voices stops. "All right, we're done. Now let's get those nuts by the fence." The old man and the boy didn't stop running for ten minutes.
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Adventure...betrayal...heroism... Atharon: where heroes are born. My wife once said to me—when I'd been writing for ten or fifteen years—that I could always go back to being a nuclear engineer. And I said to her, 'Harriet, would you let someone who quit his job to go write fantasy anywhere near your nuclear reactor? I wouldn't!' (Robert Jordan) |
10-23-2006, 04:18 AM | #809 | |
Fëanorophobic
Join Date: May 2004
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Quote:
Here's a similar one: A married couple from Chicago decided to spend their summer vacation in Florida. But the woman was on a business trip somewhere so the plan was that the man was gonna go to Florida, make reservations at a hotel and meet up with his wife there. So he goes to Florida, checks into a hotel and everything is fine; except the weather is too hot for his liking. Then he decides to e-mail his wife telling her about his status. Unfortunately he couldn't find the strip of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, so he decided to write it from memory. He forgot one letter and the message ended up being sent to a recently widowed woman. That woman read the message and dropped down dead. Her kids rushed to the computer room and found this on the screen: Dearest wife, I just checked in today, and I am waiting for your arrival tomorrow. Your Husband. P.S. It's really hot in here! |
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10-23-2006, 04:32 PM | #810 | |
Dread Mothy Lord and Halfwitted Apprentice Loremaster
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Quote:
I liked (and knew) the donut, the nuts, and the widow.
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Crux fidelis, inter omnes arbor una nobilis. Nulla talem silva profert, fronde, flore, germine. Dulce lignum, dulce clavo, dulce pondus sustinens. 'With a melon?' - Eric Idle |
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10-24-2006, 08:39 PM | #811 | |
Fenway Ranger, Lord of Red Sox Nation
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Quote:
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Adventure...betrayal...heroism... Atharon: where heroes are born. My wife once said to me—when I'd been writing for ten or fifteen years—that I could always go back to being a nuclear engineer. And I said to her, 'Harriet, would you let someone who quit his job to go write fantasy anywhere near your nuclear reactor? I wouldn't!' (Robert Jordan) |
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10-25-2006, 01:41 PM | #812 |
An enigma in a conundrum
Join Date: Oct 1999
Posts: 6,476
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Things to make you stop and think
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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Vizzini: "HE DIDN'T FALL?! INCONCEIVABLE!!" Inigo: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." |
10-25-2006, 06:47 PM | #813 |
Dread Mothy Lord and Halfwitted Apprentice Loremaster
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Actually, poly- is Greek.
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Crux fidelis, inter omnes arbor una nobilis. Nulla talem silva profert, fronde, flore, germine. Dulce lignum, dulce clavo, dulce pondus sustinens. 'With a melon?' - Eric Idle |
10-26-2006, 08:23 PM | #814 |
Fenway Ranger, Lord of Red Sox Nation
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: College!
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Yes, I've seen those before...and very good!
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Adventure...betrayal...heroism... Atharon: where heroes are born. My wife once said to me—when I'd been writing for ten or fifteen years—that I could always go back to being a nuclear engineer. And I said to her, 'Harriet, would you let someone who quit his job to go write fantasy anywhere near your nuclear reactor? I wouldn't!' (Robert Jordan) |
10-26-2006, 09:22 PM | #815 |
Entmoot's Drunken Uncle
Join Date: May 2005
Location: ghost
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Dang, all my jokes are rated-R or are only funny if you say them.
Lessee, clean joke, clean joke.... okay. ~~~ Wanna hear a dirty joke? Pig fell inna mud. Wanna hear a clean joke? Took a bath. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Took a bath with another pig. Wanna hear a clean joke? They were married. Wanna hear a dirty joke? To other pigs. Wanna hear a clean joke? They were siblings. Wanna hear a dirty joke? That just made it worse. Want me to keep going? |
10-26-2006, 09:35 PM | #816 | |
Entmoot's Drunken Uncle
Join Date: May 2005
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Quote:
I have a better version from a Boeing employee. ~~~ A man in a hot air balloon is lost. He spots someone in a field and floats down to him. "Excuse me!" says the man in the balloon, "Could you tell me where I am?" The man on the ground replies "You're in a hot air balloon about 20ft off the ground." "You must be an engineer," said the man in the balloon. "How did you know that?" "Because you gave me a 100% correct answer that is completly useless." "You must be a manager," said the man on the ground. "How did you know that?" "You came to me with a problem, I gave you an answer. You're right back where you started but now somehow it's MY fault." ~~~ I like that one better. |
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10-26-2006, 09:41 PM | #817 |
Master of Orchestration President Emeritus of Entmoot 2004-2008
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Whatever happened to that Seatle Mooters Convention?
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ACALEWIA- President of Entmoot hectorberlioz- Vice President of Entmoot Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life! Join the discussion at Entmoot Election 2010. "Stupidissimo!"~Toscanini The Da CINDY Code The Epic Poem Of The Balrog of Entmoot: Here ~NEW! ~ Thinking of summer vacation? AboutNewJersey.com - NJ Travel & Tourism Guide |
10-26-2006, 09:51 PM | #818 |
Entmoot's Drunken Uncle
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It died.
Why was the monkey in the tree? Cuz it was DEAD! Why was the FISH in the tree? Cuz it was STAPLED to the MONKEY! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ... that used to be really funny... |
10-26-2006, 09:57 PM | #819 | |
Master of Orchestration President Emeritus of Entmoot 2004-2008
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Quote:
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ACALEWIA- President of Entmoot hectorberlioz- Vice President of Entmoot Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life! Join the discussion at Entmoot Election 2010. "Stupidissimo!"~Toscanini The Da CINDY Code The Epic Poem Of The Balrog of Entmoot: Here ~NEW! ~ Thinking of summer vacation? AboutNewJersey.com - NJ Travel & Tourism Guide |
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10-31-2006, 05:14 PM | #820 | ||||
Fëanorophobic
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Between the pages of a book
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Quote:
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Three men were bragging about their virility: a Catholic, a Jew and a Mormon (Mormon is a Christian sect that allows polygamy). So the Catholic goes: " I have 5 children: one more and I'd have a basketball team." So the Jew goes: "That's nothing! I have 10 children: one more and I'd have a soccer team." The Mormon laughs and says: "You guys are clueless! I have 17 wives: one more and I'd have
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