Corporal Punishment

[Sister Golden Hair]

And when is the right time to let a kid decide whats wrong/right him-/herself?

I think this is an ongoing process. As the child grows and developes, the child is given more responsibility, freedom, and you learn to expect more from them. Therefore, they learn to make decisions, so that by the time it comes time to go out into the world, they will be ready.

[QueenAnnesLace]

Originally posted by Nerdanel
I want to ask this question again.
My parents and I don't always think the same things are right/wrong. Kids have to be allowed to decide what they think is right/wrong some time in their life, don't they?
When?

I think to answer that question 18 years old is the worst case scenerio but in most cases it would be when they act responsible enough. When they can make decisions that make sense and are not harmful in nature then they can be made on their own. Most kids once they reach thier teen years can pretty much be trusted, but sometimes even then they make the wrong choices. It really depends on what exctly they are making decisions about. But hopefully by then they pretty much make the right ones.

[QueenAnnesLace]

And I'll add one more thing.....if by 18 they are making poor choices and as adults think that they can do what they want, it will only be IF they are not living under your roof.

[Rían]

Originally posted by brownjenkins
it matters what it concerns... some things not until you move out... when someone provides food, shelter, etc., you have to respect any issue they feel very strongly about... even if you think it is totally off-base...

I agree.

[Starr Polish]

Originally posted by QueenAnnesLace
And I'll add one more thing.....if by 18 they are making poor choices and as adults think that they can do what they want, it will only be IF they are not living under your roof.

This is true. I believe that if you're living with your parents (free of rent or otherwise) you need to follow rules they set out for you or the house, no matter what age. Rent-free for obvious reasons, and with rent because they're technically your landlords, so you need to follow house rules/policies just like you would in your own apartment.

[QueenAnnesLace]

Not to stray totally off the topic here but what does everyone think about " tough love "? Which is usually used on older kids and teens, but then even grown up young adults.

[Nerdanel]

Originally posted by QueenAnnesLace
Not to stray totally off the topic here but what does everyone think about " tough love "? Which is usually used on older kids and teens, but then even grown up young adults.

sorry, i don't understand the question..

[Nerdanel]

on this right/wrong issue;
my parents are lutheran (like most finns). at the age of 15 we have confirmation. this means, as you know or hear from the name, that the young person confirms their faith in god.
well, i knew i didn't believe in this god, and therefor i didn't want to confirm my faith. my parents didn't let me decide this myself, they said i had to do it.
they're not very religious themselves, but it's a tradition here to have the confirmation.
i though it was wrong of them to force me to confirm my faith, though i didn't want to. i also think this would be wrong to the church, when people who don't believe are forced into church.

maybe wrong thread, but do you have any thoughts? would you've done what my parents did?

[QueenAnnesLace]

Originally posted by Nerdanel
sorry, i don't understand the question..

"tough love" is a term used in the U.S.. It is something parents, friends, etc. do when someone is going down the wrong path. As in for instance- If someone were doing drugs, they may intervene by committing a child or teen into a rehab. If it were an adult they would cut them off from money, shelter and such in order to prevent them from using it for drugs. As in if they are left with any money they are forced to use it for necessity rather than drugs. But if they do anyhow they would eventually hit rock bottom or sadly enough even die. It's basically a last resort to cut off every form of enabling. They call it "tough love" because they love the person in question but have to be tough to try to help the situation. Does this sum it up good enough?

[brownjenkins]

i guess i follow the 'tough love' idea to an extent... i don't enable bad behavior (i.e. let things go all the time or remove or mitigate a punishment because the child complains too much)

that said, having done drugs and alcohol in my teens, i know all too well that the decision to stop can only be made by the person doing them... and i don't think it helps matters to alienate a child... with all the social and physical changes going on during the teen years, i think some parents expect a bit too much 'rationality' from their teens... they are simply not the same as a 25-plus adult when it comes to making decisions (though girls seem to be a bit better than boys)

an example ~ i don't plan to allow my kids to drink alcohol, but i know there is a good chance that sometime between the age of 13-18 they will go to parties and drink, maybe a lot... while i won't condone it, i will not punish them for it unless they drive while under the influence or get in a vehicle with someone who does... no matter what they may do, i want them to always feel comfortable with contacting me when in a bad situation... i would much rather pick them up discreetly at a houseparty at 2am than at a hospital

so i'd say 'consistant love' more than 'tough'

[QueenAnnesLace]

Another question.... What does everyone think about those parents that let thier teens have parties with alchohol with the excuse of " I'd rather them be here around me than out doing it somewhere else". It's a hard one to call. #1 I don't want to allow under age drinking but then they are going to do it anyhow. HMMM.. #2 if they are going to have parties allowing under age drinking, shouldn't the other parents of guests at the party have a say? These parents had thier say but then later that night there was a girl that had too much to drink and had to be rushed to the hospital for alchohol poisoning. ( sounds to me that those parents had a little too much themselves).

[Insidious Rex]

Well I think its silly to throw keg parties for your teenage kids on the basis that youd rather know where they are when they are getting trashed then have them out doing it who knows where. The bottom line is the adult owners of the house (EVEN if they are NOT aware of the party) can be held legally liable when a kid dies from alcohol poisoning or when a kid drives his car into a tree or something. So bad idea really. And usually this is the sign of lazy parenting. If you are willing to take the risk then fine. I know ive been in that situation before with an old girlfriend of mine who had friends under 21 and who would come over when we had parties. I made them stay the night if they were going to drink. and kept a close eye on them while they were.

[Nerdanel]

Originally posted by QueenAnnesLace
Does this sum it up good enough?

Yes, thank you.

[Earniel]

Originally Posted by OrnelÃ*rë Mistë

you could smack them
or you could be a better parent and bloody tell them, in an uncondescending way so they dont feel bitter, what they did wrong AND how they might behave better.

I disagree. Just talking whenever your child misbehaves doesn't make you a better parent. There are some kids that grow up just fine, where their parents never even had to threaten to raise a hand. But there are other children who don't. There can be really difficult or impossible children. It's part of parenting to find out which is the best way to teach your child what it can and can't do.

If you can use other means to make your child see that it misbehaved and that it shouldn't do it again then you should use those methods. I've heard of some very genious tricks some parents used. But sometimes talking won't solve one bit and sometimes I think a slap or a spanking is necessary. My sister could be very difficult when she was younger and on a few rare occasions when she really went over the line she has received a slap in the face. I believe she turned out for the better with it.

But never in anger and never with a belt or a stick. To me that goes too far.

[BeardofPants]

A slap in the face? On the bum, I could understand, but the face?!

Oh, welcome back smearniel.

[Earniel]

Originally Posted by BeardofPants

A slap in the face? On the bum, I could understand, but the face?!

Oh, welcome back smearniel.

Actually, I can't remember if either of us have ever been spanked on the bum. (might have repressed it j/k ) And even so, the one or two times I still remember that my sister received a slap we were both already above "spanking age".

And thanks, it's good to be back.