09-24-2005, 02:04 PM | #761 |
of the House of Fëanor
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 6,150
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Why God Never Received Tenure at a University
1} Because he had only one major publication. 2} And it was in Hebrew. 3} And it had no cited references. 4} And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review. 5} And some even doubt he wrote it himself. 6} It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since? 7} The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results. 8} He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 9} He expelled his first two students for learning. 10} Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests. 11} His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
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Few people have the imagination for reality.
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe |
05-01-2006, 07:40 AM | #762 |
High King at Annuminas Administrator
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Wyoming - USA
Posts: 10,752
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Hah - I hadn't seen that last one by Lotesse before!
Here's one our kids just discovered. You might have to say it out loud to catch it a little faster: Q: What did the clock do when it was still hungry? A: Went back four seconds!
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My Fanfic: Letters of Firiel Tales of Nolduryon Visitors Come to Court Ñ á ë ?* ó ú é ä ï ö Ö ñ É Þ ð ß ® ™ [Xurl=Xhttp://entmoot.tolkientrail.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=ABCXYZ#postABCXYZ]text[/Xurl] Splitting Threads is SUCH Hard Work!! |
05-01-2006, 08:10 AM | #763 | |
Spaceman Spiff
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: In the belly of a Firefly, living in Serenity is where you'll find me
Posts: 1,438
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Here's a dumb one but one that is used around these parts.
Whats round on both ends and greets you in the middle?
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Do you hear that? |
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05-01-2006, 08:15 AM | #764 | |
High King at Annuminas Administrator
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Wyoming - USA
Posts: 10,752
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Ha - reminds me of yet another my kids like:
What runs around the field, but never moves?
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My Fanfic: Letters of Firiel Tales of Nolduryon Visitors Come to Court Ñ á ë ?* ó ú é ä ï ö Ö ñ É Þ ð ß ® ™ [Xurl=Xhttp://entmoot.tolkientrail.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=ABCXYZ#postABCXYZ]text[/Xurl] Splitting Threads is SUCH Hard Work!! |
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05-01-2006, 08:29 AM | #765 |
Spaceman Spiff
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: In the belly of a Firefly, living in Serenity is where you'll find me
Posts: 1,438
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I love those jokes you get off the wrappers of Laffy Taffy.
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Do you hear that? |
07-26-2006, 09:53 AM | #766 |
Elf Lord
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Mirkwood, well actually I live in North-west Scania, Sweden
Posts: 9,481
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Lesson one:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing? The eagle answered, Sure, why not. So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, saw the rabbit, and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lesson Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy. Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings replied the bull. They are packed with nutrients. The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Management Lesson: Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lesson Three: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Management Lessons: 1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend. 3) When you're in deep ****, it is best to keep your mouth shut! |
07-26-2006, 12:21 PM | #767 |
Dread Mothy Lord and Halfwitted Apprentice Loremaster
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Thomas Aquinas College, Santa Paula, CA
Posts: 10,820
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A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through
the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot. As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and stared at him intently. For a long minute the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly, then it continued to stare at him. The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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Crux fidelis, inter omnes arbor una nobilis. Nulla talem silva profert, fronde, flore, germine. Dulce lignum, dulce clavo, dulce pondus sustinens. 'With a melon?' - Eric Idle |
07-27-2006, 04:09 PM | #768 |
The Lovely Hobbit-Lass
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Bounded in a nut-shell
Posts: 1,593
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Grey Wolf: Hilarious!
GW: Oh, my goodness! that was funny. I love Shaggy Dog stories. Brilliant.
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It's New Years Day, just like the day before; Same old skies of grey, same empty bottles on the floor. Another year's gone by, and I was thinking once again, How can I take this losing hand and somehow win? Just give me One Good Year To get my feet back on the ground. I've been chasing grace; Grace ain't so easily found One bad hand can devil a man, chase him and carry him down. I've got to get out of here, just give me One Good Year! |
07-27-2006, 06:30 PM | #769 | |
Elf Lord
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Mirkwood, well actually I live in North-west Scania, Sweden
Posts: 9,481
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Quote:
Thanks, Rosie! |
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08-11-2006, 01:08 PM | #770 |
Fëanorophobic
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Between the pages of a book
Posts: 1,417
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A dairy factory won a certain award for the quality of their milk, so a TV reporter went to interview their cow farmer:
"So what do you feed the cows?" "Which one, the red one or the white one?" "The white one." "Just grass." "And the red one?" "I also feed the red one grass." "And where do the cows sleep?" "The red one or the white one?" "The white one." "The white one sleeps in the barn." "And the red one?" "The red one sleeps also in the barn." "Is there any special treatment you give your cows?" "The red one or the white one?" "The white one." "I walk the white one around the fence twice a day." "And the red one?" "I also walk the red one around the fence twice a day." "What's the matter with you? Whenever I ask a question about the cows, you ask me 'which one' and it turns out you give both of them the exact same treatment. Why do you keep saying that?" "Oh, that's because the white cow is mine." "And the red cow?" "It's also mine." |
08-11-2006, 01:10 PM | #771 |
Fenway Ranger, Lord of Red Sox Nation
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: College!
Posts: 1,976
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Nice. Here's a WoT joke I found on Wotmania:
Two Black Ajah sisters walk into a bar... of balefire!
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Adventure...betrayal...heroism... Atharon: where heroes are born. My wife once said to me—when I'd been writing for ten or fifteen years—that I could always go back to being a nuclear engineer. And I said to her, 'Harriet, would you let someone who quit his job to go write fantasy anywhere near your nuclear reactor? I wouldn't!' (Robert Jordan) |
08-16-2006, 02:35 PM | #772 |
An enigma in a conundrum
Join Date: Oct 1999
Posts: 6,476
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I'm not even sure what balefire is much less those sisters.
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Vizzini: "HE DIDN'T FALL?! INCONCEIVABLE!!" Inigo: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." |
09-14-2006, 01:10 PM | #773 |
An enigma in a conundrum
Join Date: Oct 1999
Posts: 6,476
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The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not
just an athlete....she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say . . . Picabo, ICU.
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Vizzini: "HE DIDN'T FALL?! INCONCEIVABLE!!" Inigo: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." |
09-14-2006, 01:12 PM | #774 | |
Master of Orchestration President Emeritus of Entmoot 2004-2008
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Lost in the Opera House
Posts: 9,328
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Quote:
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ACALEWIA- President of Entmoot hectorberlioz- Vice President of Entmoot Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life! Join the discussion at Entmoot Election 2010. "Stupidissimo!"~Toscanini The Da CINDY Code The Epic Poem Of The Balrog of Entmoot: Here ~NEW! ~ Thinking of summer vacation? AboutNewJersey.com - NJ Travel & Tourism Guide |
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09-20-2006, 01:40 PM | #775 |
An enigma in a conundrum
Join Date: Oct 1999
Posts: 6,476
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a smile for the week
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Vizzini: "HE DIDN'T FALL?! INCONCEIVABLE!!" Inigo: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." |
09-20-2006, 01:48 PM | #776 |
Dread Mothy Lord and Halfwitted Apprentice Loremaster
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Thomas Aquinas College, Santa Paula, CA
Posts: 10,820
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Spock: hehe on both counts.
Bishop Bruskewitz was here last Saturday to say a Mass for our 35th anniversary. Here's a quote from him afterwards: "St. Paul says, 'once I was stoned', and of course, we must follow Scripture!"
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Crux fidelis, inter omnes arbor una nobilis. Nulla talem silva profert, fronde, flore, germine. Dulce lignum, dulce clavo, dulce pondus sustinens. 'With a melon?' - Eric Idle |
09-27-2006, 09:27 AM | #777 |
An enigma in a conundrum
Join Date: Oct 1999
Posts: 6,476
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Vizzini: "HE DIDN'T FALL?! INCONCEIVABLE!!" Inigo: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." |
10-04-2006, 12:26 PM | #778 |
Dread Mothy Lord and Halfwitted Apprentice Loremaster
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Thomas Aquinas College, Santa Paula, CA
Posts: 10,820
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The Famous answer an Ancient Question
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. HEGEL The moment had arrived for the World Spirit to negate the negation and see the other-side consciousness as chicken-for-self consciousness. GRANDPA JERRY In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. PLATO His vision was turned to the eternal form of ‘the other side’ in his soul, and he saw that this form participated in the form of ‘the good and the beautiful’. BLAISE PASCAL How then can you condemn the chicken for making this wager? The chicken has its reasons of which reason knows nothing. EUCLID Let AB be the road and line C the chicken. Let AB be bisected at D and let C fall across AD. From point D let a line equal in magnitude to AD be extended from its endpoint creating angles equal to two rights on both sides. Which was to be demonstrated. FREIDREICH NIETZCHE What if truth is a chicken—what then? And why truth—why not falsehood? And why a chicken—I, the uberman, will that a non-chicken did not cross the road. HOMER Sing Goddess of the voyage of the hen’s son: Chicken. How with war-filled hearts the battle raged across the wine dark sea And the silver arrow that furious Phoebus Apollos did string That sent lion hearted Chicken to the other side. KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability. SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN What chicken? CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossing the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES I have just released eChicken XP, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook… and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken. EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? MARTIN LUTHER Because the dirty Papists deceived him into thinking that he might merit heaven through the works of crossing roads instead of by faith alone! BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please? GEORGE W.BUSH I don't think I should have to answer that question. LOUIS FARRAKHAN The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down. SOREN KIERKEGAARD The chicken faced the crossing of the road with infinite resignation to the fact that it was utterly impossible to achieve, and then, knowing that it was impossible, at the same time believed that is was possible and crossed it, on the strength of the absurd. IMMANUEL KANT The chicken, by seeing with absolute clarity the universally moral law that nothing at any time should ever cross the road, crossed the road at any rate, at least in my mind, er, I mean, in the mind of the synthetic unity of apperception. C.S. LEWIS Well, it follows logically that it must have been because he was either a liar, a lunatic, or a chicken. JOHN CALVIN The chicken was predestined from all eternity to do this filthy and damnable deed. CHARLES DARWIN Over hundreds of millions of years, the chicken underwent infinite random variations built upon one another in a frenzied brawl for survival until it got to the other side. JOHN LOCKE Hey! That road was private property—this chicken deserves to be fried. COLONEL SANDERS I missed one?
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Crux fidelis, inter omnes arbor una nobilis. Nulla talem silva profert, fronde, flore, germine. Dulce lignum, dulce clavo, dulce pondus sustinens. 'With a melon?' - Eric Idle |
10-04-2006, 12:32 PM | #779 |
Master of Orchestration President Emeritus of Entmoot 2004-2008
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Lost in the Opera House
Posts: 9,328
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Nietszche... I almost died.
I'm gonna print that out and post it all over campus
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ACALEWIA- President of Entmoot hectorberlioz- Vice President of Entmoot Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life! Join the discussion at Entmoot Election 2010. "Stupidissimo!"~Toscanini The Da CINDY Code The Epic Poem Of The Balrog of Entmoot: Here ~NEW! ~ Thinking of summer vacation? AboutNewJersey.com - NJ Travel & Tourism Guide |
10-04-2006, 12:59 PM | #780 |
An enigma in a conundrum
Join Date: Oct 1999
Posts: 6,476
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From Dogberts tales of In-duh-viduals
I went into my local bookstore and explained I needed Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler for a politics essay, the woman behind the desk said "Is it a new release?"
I went to a local pizza restaurant and asked about the difference between a large and a medium pizza. The Induhvidual told me the large pizza had 10 slices and the medium had 8 slices. I told her to take one of the large pizzas, cut it into 8 slices, and I would pay for a medium. She just stared at me like I had asked her a question about Euclidian Geometry.
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Vizzini: "HE DIDN'T FALL?! INCONCEIVABLE!!" Inigo: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." |
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