The Jokes Thread

[Nurvingiel]

I heard something like this on Saturday Night Live...

Ingvar Kamprad, owner and founder of IKEA, is apparently the wealthiest person in the world. He will now use this money to buy some decent furniture.



EDIT: Anyone want to help me translate that into Swedish?

[jerseydevil]

I thought people would find this hilarious. Someone sent me this in an e-mail.

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

verrry good!

[Nurvingiel]

Bwahaha! I've seen that before, good to know the hilarity is still floating around the internet.

[Thain Peregrin Took I]

Here are some church bulletin bloopers from (I guess) several churches:

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.


Amazing how funny stuff can be if you don't put something in a good order, misspell a word, or if you don't write the sentence right.

[Khamûl]

Speaking of misspelled words in church bulletins, here was one that appeared in my church's bulletin last December:

"Community Christmas will be hell Wednesday, December 15 at the high school."

[me9996]

Three ducks walk into a restarant and the waiter says that he'll give them a free meal if they can jump of a cliff and not be hert.
The first duck trys and fails the second duck goes splat and the third duck jumps and bouces!
Later wile eating his free meal the third duck explains how he did it:
"Quack quack quack"

transelated it reads: "I'm smart, I wore bouncey pants"

[Nurvingiel]

I don't get it Me9996... (I did read the spoiler.)

Those misspellings are funny. Perhaps that last one was a Freudian slip.

[me9996]

Originally Posted by Nurvingiel

I don't get it Me9996... (I did read the spoiler.)

Those misspellings are funny. Perhaps that last one was a Freudian slip.

If so, it was still a tipo...

But this may be the only funny thing about it

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

Prime Minister: Is this the Militray Intelligence?
Civil Servant: Military Intelligence, sir? Why that's a contradiction in terms!


Thank Yes, Prime Minister for that, and Blackheart for reminding me of it

[Nurvingiel]

This is a hilarious rant about those stupid chain-letters you sometimes get that say Bill Gates will give little Susie who has a tragic terminal illness 5 cents every time you forward the letter. He won't. And neither will AOL.

This rant contains swearing.

From Nuketown

Hello, my name is Johnny Ruisch and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding millions of them damned chain letters e-mailed to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Texas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" e-mail to, a thousand dollars? How stupid are you?"

WOW! If I scroll down the page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every good looking woman that I meet! What a bunch of bullshit.

Basically, this message is a big screw you to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to ten of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being forwards about a hundred times. Hell, I don't even have ten close friends.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity. The point being, if you get some chain letter that is threatening to leave you lonesome or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Antarctica with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for twenty years and whose only salvation is the nickel per letter he'll receive if you forward this e-mail.

Now copy this web page and forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will get wet and sticky. Then it will start to chafe your genitals.

If you received this in an e-mail, just send a copy of it to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your spouse or significant other and send them to the person whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your name gets to the top of the list, you will receive about fifteen thousand sexual partners. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the time of writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received two hundred women, four of whom were worth keeping.

Remember! This chain letter will bring you luck. An unmarried Arkansas man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a well educated, sweet co-ed who could both work and not be too tired for fun, and a very attractive and highly successful plastic surgeon who just happened to be a nymphomaniac.

You can be lucky too, but do not break the chain! One man deleted his e-mail and got his wife back.

[Lenya]

Man this guy is really pissed off by chain letters. I hope you forwarded it to 5 poeple Nurv. Putting it on Entmoot kinda only counts as one. You don't want bad luck now do you...

[Artanis]

A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moment in listener's lives.

The final four were:

4th Place.
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night. After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."


3rd Place.
"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.


2nd Place.
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax Supersize". But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a businesslike tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?"


1st Place.
And the winner is . . .
This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, "yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?". After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class - and never returned. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."

[Lenya]

Originally Posted by Artanis

3rd Place.
"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

Best one

[Beren3000]

Originally Posted by Lenya

Best one

I second that!

[Lenya]

Originally Posted by Beren3000

I second that!

Oh hi! Long time no see he?

[Mercutio]

My biology teacher had something like #1 occur in his basic biology survey class at Ohio State. Cracks me up.

[Lief Erikson]

Originally Posted by Khamûl

Speaking of misspelled words in church bulletins, here was one that appeared in my church's bulletin last December:

"Community Christmas will be hell Wednesday, December 15 at the high school."

I heard one very similar to that recently, except that it said the Children's Choir Chorus would be hell .

[Lief Erikson]

Originally Posted by Thain Peregrin Took I

Here are some church bulletin bloopers from (I guess) several churches:

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.


Amazing how funny stuff can be if you don't put something in a good order, misspell a word, or if you don't write the sentence right.

Thain, I love these!

[Beren3000]

Originally Posted by Lenya

Oh hi! Long time no see he?

Hi, Lenya! Thanks for the greeting, but I have been around (not posting, though ) I like your sig