The Jokes Thread

[Beren3000]

A blonde watched a gangster movie and was fascinated by the idea of armed robbery. So she bought an all black leather suit, a mask for her head and a handgun. After her suit-up, she went to a bank and found the nearest employee, showed him her gun and said: "Now quick, give me all the money in the safe and don't try any funny stuff."
The employee: "Excuse me, ma'am, are you by any chance blonde?"
The blonde: "Yes, how did you find out?"
The employee: "Well, this is a sperm bank!"


A blonde was working in an office on the thirteenth floor. Suddenly another woman burst into the room shouting: "Catherine, your husband and children were involved in a car crash and they all died!"
So the blonde thought to herself that there was no longer a reason for her to live and decided to commit suicide. She jumped out of the window.
When she reached the 8th floor, she remembered that she didn't have kids.
When she reached the 3rd floor, she remembered that she was not married.
Just before she hit the ground, she remembered that her name is not Catherine!

[jerseydevil]

Originally Posted by Beren3000

A blonde was working in an office on the thirteenth floor. Suddenly another woman burst into the room shouting: "Catherine, your husband and children were involved in a car crash and they all died!"
So the blonde thought to herself that there was no longer a reason for her to live and decided to commit suicide. She jumped out of the window.
When she reached the 8th floor, she remembered that she didn't have kids.
When she reached the 3rd floor, she remembered that she was not married.
Just before she hit the ground, she remembered that her name is not Catherine!

Sick, but very very funny.

[Lenya]

Ha ha. That's probably one of the most blonde blonde-jokes i've heard.

[Beren3000]

A woman was hiking through a field one day when she came upon a strange ring. She put it on her finger and a genie appeared. He told her: "Here's the deal, you get three wishes; but whatever you wish for, your husband gets it tenfold." She said: "No problem. My first wish is that you make me the richest woman in the world."
Genie: "Let me remind you, this will make your husband ten times richer than you."
Woman: "It's ok, my money is his money and vice versa."
Genie: "Great, consider your wish granted."
Woman: "Next wish: make me the most beautiful woman in the world."
Genie: "May I remind you that this will make your husband ten times more beautiful than you and all women will probably chase him."
Woman: "It's ok, I'll be the most beautiful woman in the world so he won't look at any other woman."
Genie: "Great, consider your wish granted."
Woman: "My final wish: give me a mild heart attack!"

[Lenya]

(based on the movie of LotR)

Reasons why Star Wars beats LotR

- In SW the short guykicks ass. In LotR, the short guy needs a box.
- It takes half as much time to type SW that it takes to type LotR.
- Saruman sinds out Orcs to do his bidding. Vader kills enemies personally.
- LotR has a couple of lousy towers. We have the Death Star!!!
- Thrill as an old man tries to figure out how to open an old door!
- Obi-wan would have sensed the destruction of Moria. ''...as if a thousand dwarves cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.''
- LotR: Bill. SW: The Millenium Falcon. No contest.
- When Luke left home, he got over it.
- Instead of the movies deviating from the books, the books deviate from the movies.
- We don't go to conventions in robes looking like freaks... wait.

[Lenya]

(again based on the movie of LotR)

Reasons why LotR beats Star Wars

- LotR better then SW: our troops are home grown.
- Uruk-hai, unlike stormtroopers, can fight.
- In LotR the comic relief (ie Gimli, Pipin & Merry) actually speak proper English
- LotR is on DVD
- LotR made three movies at once. George, are you taking notes on this?
- LotR is better because Ilrond is not actually Sauron in disquise.
- Even the dumbest creatures in LotR would be smar enough to know that making Jar Jar a senator is a bad idea.
- The White Council included Galadriel, who was youthful and divinely beautiful despite being over 4000 years old. Yoda lokked like hell after a mere 900.
- It's more satisfying to see an Orc get beheaded than a Stormtrooper fall down.
- When gollum talks to himself it is psychologically interesting, when Jar Jar does it it is because the audience left.

[Nurvingiel]

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."



The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."


Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says, "Sorry sirs, only one carrion per passenger."


NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the shot herd round the world.


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in South Carolina and never amounted to much -- and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.


Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.


A woman has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!!"


A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ... what? (This is so bad it's good...) a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[EarthBound]

I'm guilty of repeating some of those puns . . .


An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pigpen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, George," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened 50 years ago."

[Rían]

Goofy, but cute -

Who is bigger - Mrs. Bigger or her baby?

The baby is a little Bigger

[EarthBound]

Originally Posted by RÃ*an

Goofy, but cute -

Who is bigger - Mrs. Bigger or her baby?

Rian made a funny... Short and sweet.

[Beruthiel's cat]

Since Tessar always brings out the worst in me, here is a list of what he would term anti-male characteristics.

(I did not make these up. I am merely passing them on. Please shoot not the messenger....)


15 PIECES OF ADVICE FOR WOMEN TO REMEMBER

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

[Tessar]

*burns with unspeakable rage and anger*


Oh how I've missed you B...

[Beruthiel's cat]

And here's one more for you, Tessar, dear...

This is a fairy tale that we should have been reading as little
girls!
>
>
> Once upon a time,
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> in a land far away,
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> a beautiful, independent,
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> self-assured princess
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> happened upon a frog as she sat,
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> contemplating ecological issues
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> on the shores of an unpolluted pond
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> in a verdant meadow near her castle.
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> The frog hopped into the princess' lap
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> and said: Elegant Lady,
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> I was once a handsome prince,
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> One kiss from you, however,
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> and I will turn back
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> into the dapper, young prince that I am
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> and then, my sweet, we can marry
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> and set up housekeeping in your castle
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> with my mother,
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> where you can prepare my meals,
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> clean my clothes, bear my children,
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> and forever
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> feel grateful and happy doing so.
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> That night,
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> as the princess dined sumptuously
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> on lightly sautéed frog legs
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> seasoned in a white wine
>
> ~~~~~~~
>
> and onion cream sauce,
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> she chuckled and thought to herself:
>
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> "I don't really think so."

[Tessar]

*giggle*

Ermmm...

I mean.

*burns with more unspeakable rage and anger*

Just wait till The Frog Mod (made of DOOM) (tm) hears about this one!

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

OK, so it's biblical times, and a woman is about to get stoned for being unfaithful, when Jesus walks by, and hols up his hand and says 'Stop! Let he who is innocent cast the first stone!', and so from behind him comes Mary, carrying a large rock, and hurls it at the poor girl, killing her instantly, and so Jesus turns round aghast, and says 'Mother! I hate it when you do that!'

[Tessar]

I've always loved that joke ^_^.

For those of you who don't get it, Catholics believe that Mary was completely sinless. So since she had no sins she was able to throw a huge boulder .

[Artanis]

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, It takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number?

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[Artanis]

A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.

I thought that I could love no other until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime !

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

Question. How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer. Seven

(1) one to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced;

(2) one to question the patriotism of anyone who questions the need for a new light bulb;

(3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb;

(4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of "illegal" light bulbs;

(5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for each light bulb;

(6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag;

(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
__________________________________________________ _______________

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

[inked]

Ah, yes, Dubya and the lightbulb. The question is how many times will that ex-presidential candidate and the laday from California hold hearings on whether or not the Republicans knew the lightbulb was burned out before they did anything about it?

one - nobody could possibly get in enough heavy breathing to suggest disgust that the electoral process worked properly;

two - still not enough time;

three - okay, it's the non-Bush's chance to show spleen;

four - Hey, why are we sitting in the dark? This administration cn't fix a lightbulb!