The Jokes Thread

[Melfena]

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

"My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him
we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I
guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to
Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him." Age 10

"When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he
better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell." Age 5

"I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it
was just a lawn mower." Age 11

"I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I
imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the
only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the
lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and
sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and
everyone died." Age 13


"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which
is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who
wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?" Age 15

"Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I
think about the last words of my favorite uncle: 'A truck!'" Age
15

"It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would
have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or
December 26, just for the long weekends." Age 8

"Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about
letting just any old yokel vote." Age 10

"Home is where the house is." Age 6

"Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my
teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number."
Age 15

"It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed
it, the blood would be right there." Age 5

"Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to
accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money." Age 13

"For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green
cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big
hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out."
Age 6

"The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?"
or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I
was speeding?"" Age 15

"Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had
no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really
needed them, right?" Age 15

"I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as
some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he
sucks." Age 15

"If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would
be...until the looting started." Age 15

[Melfena]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[Melfena]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party

[Melfena]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't
care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the
truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine
explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[Melfena]

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he
had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed
by his bedside every single day.

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by
him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad
times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost
the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were
still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" She asks gently. "I think
you bring me bad luck."

[Melfena]

A tourist from China was traveling to New York City for a two
week vacation. He went to the bank as soon as he arrived in
order to exchange his Chinese money for American money. He gave
the teller 1000 yuan, and the teller in turn gave him 150
dollars.

A week went by, and the tourist had used up his money, so he
returned to the bank. He gave the teller another 1000 yuan, but
this time the teller only gave him 125 dollars. Seeing the
difference, the man angrily asked the teller in his broken
English why last week he received 150 dollars for the same
amount of money. The teller replied, "Fluctuations."

Flustered, the tourist responded, "Well fluck choo crazy
Americans too!"

[Melfena]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things,
so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make
sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor
about the problems they were having with their memory. After
checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were
physically okay but might want to start writing things down and
make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while
watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks,
"Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl
of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you
should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top.
You had better write that down because I know you'll forget
that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I
know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write
that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her
a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD
you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

[Melfena]

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house
in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking
lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say
anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the
carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning
up that horse manure, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to
him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The
Salesman says, "why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and
we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

[Melfena]

So, it seems this group of surgeons were sitting about during an
interlude, when the usual topic came up...

The first surgeon said:

"Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon said:

"Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in
alphabetical order."

The third pipes up:

"Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is color coded."

The fourth sneers:

"Lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads
and their butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to
the conversation while sipping from a bottle of Jack Daniels (as
all surgeons do between operations), says:

"I like engineers... they always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end."

[Melfena]

Signs that you are too drunk


You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the
earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think
not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar..

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom,
you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,
Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more
and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk
past you.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the
night

[Melfena]

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for
their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and
said, "I bet I know what it is--it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" Shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is--it's a box of
candy!"

"That's right!" Shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it
up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and
tasted it. "Is it wine?" She asked.

"No," the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" She
asked.

"No," the boy answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

[Melfena]

True Story From Michigan, USA.

A guy buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has
$400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig, and
gets a hold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new
ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are
frozen. These two atomic brains go to the lake with their guns,
the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the ice. They want to make some kind of a
natural landing to attract ducks--something the decoys will
float on. Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole
large enough to interest a flock of ducks, a hole big enough to
entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an
ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand
Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse.

To their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into
consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the
ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand
Cherokee) would be waiting, and ran back quickly, they would
risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent
explosion, and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting
blast.

After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and
THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing. Remember
a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the
beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet
black lab (used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the
owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of
doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the
burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice--all to
the woe of the two idiots who are now yelling, stomping, waving
arms and wondering what the heck to do now?! The dog is happy
and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of
dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern
on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever
approaches. The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms, yelling
even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked. Finally one of
the guys decides to think, something that neither had one before
this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds
better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with
duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a black lab. The
dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued
on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, became
REALLY confused and of course scared. TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch
takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still
burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds?
Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand
dollars, the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting
nearby on the lake ice. BOOM!! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom
of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are
left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this
happened to me" look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and
is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal
use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy. He had yet to
make his first car payment.

[inked]

12/7/04

Can We Have a Hanukkah Tree?

Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, a child asks his father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?"

"What? No, of course not." says his father.

"Why not?" asks the child again.

Bewildered, his father replies, "Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness."

courtesy Beliefnet.com via a friend's email to me

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

Not for kiddies!

how do you make a hormone? shove your hand up her skirt

[Lenya]

Originally Posted by inked

12/7/04

Can We Have a Hanukkah Tree?

Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, a child asks his father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?"

"What? No, of course not." says his father.

"Why not?" asks the child again.

Bewildered, his father replies, "Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness."

courtesy Beliefnet.com via a friend's email to me

HA HA good joke

[Millane]

Originally Posted by Last Child of Ungoliant

Not for kiddies!

hahahahaha very nice, and classy

[Snowdog]

Confucious say: "Man who lose key to girlfriends apartment get no new key."

[Nurvingiel]

I've heard that truck story Melfena! *note to self... do not throw a stick of dynamite around a retriever dog*

Didn't those guys get an honourable metion in the Darwin Awards? (They couldn't win since they failed to remove themselves from the gene pool.)

[Elf Girl]

They couldn't win because the story is not true. (And if you look on the Darwin Awards website, it's listed as an urban legend there too.)

Still funny, though.

[Millane]

hahaha loosely resembles Henry Lawsons story The Loaded Dog...