12-13-2004, 05:44 PM | #661 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the Outlaw Star
Posts: 114
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From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." "My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him." Age 10 "When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell." Age 5 "I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower." Age 11 "I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died." Age 13 "I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?" Age 15 "Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: 'A truck!'" Age 15 "It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends." Age 8 "Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote." Age 10 "Home is where the house is." Age 6 "Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number." Age 15 "It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there." Age 5 "Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money." Age 13 "For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out." Age 6 "The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"" Age 15 "Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?" Age 15 "I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks." Age 15 "If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be...until the looting started." Age 15
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12-13-2004, 05:52 PM | #662 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the Outlaw Star
Posts: 114
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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation.
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12-13-2004, 05:55 PM | #663 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the Outlaw Star
Posts: 114
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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party
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12-13-2004, 05:59 PM | #664 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the Outlaw Star
Posts: 114
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By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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12-14-2004, 07:09 PM | #665 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the Outlaw Star
Posts: 114
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A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he
had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" She asks gently. "I think you bring me bad luck."
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12-14-2004, 07:10 PM | #666 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the Outlaw Star
Posts: 114
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A tourist from China was traveling to New York City for a two
week vacation. He went to the bank as soon as he arrived in order to exchange his Chinese money for American money. He gave the teller 1000 yuan, and the teller in turn gave him 150 dollars. A week went by, and the tourist had used up his money, so he returned to the bank. He gave the teller another 1000 yuan, but this time the teller only gave him 125 dollars. Seeing the difference, the man angrily asked the teller in his broken English why last week he received 150 dollars for the same amount of money. The teller replied, "Fluctuations." Flustered, the tourist responded, "Well fluck choo crazy Americans too!"
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12-14-2004, 07:12 PM | #667 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the Outlaw Star
Posts: 114
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An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things,
so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
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12-14-2004, 07:14 PM | #668 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the Outlaw Star
Posts: 114
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A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house
in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse manure, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The Salesman says, "why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
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Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious |
12-14-2004, 07:15 PM | #669 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the Outlaw Star
Posts: 114
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So, it seems this group of surgeons were sitting about during an
interlude, when the usual topic came up... The first surgeon said: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second surgeon said: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The third pipes up: "Try electricians! Everything inside THEM is color coded." The fourth sneers: "Lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable." To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation while sipping from a bottle of Jack Daniels (as all surgeons do between operations), says: "I like engineers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
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12-14-2004, 07:22 PM | #670 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the Outlaw Star
Posts: 114
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Signs that you are too drunk
You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.. You fall off the floor... Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. I'm as jober as a sudge. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night
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12-14-2004, 07:24 PM | #671 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the Outlaw Star
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On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for
their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is--it's some flowers!" "That's right!" Shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is--it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" Shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" She asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" She asked. "No," the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!"
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12-14-2004, 07:33 PM | #672 |
Elven Warrior
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: On the Outlaw Star
Posts: 114
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True Story From Michigan, USA.
A guy buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig, and gets a hold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two atomic brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the ice. They want to make some kind of a natural landing to attract ducks--something the decoys will float on. Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks, a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. To their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting, and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion, and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet black lab (used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice--all to the woe of the two idiots who are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the heck to do now?! The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms, yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked. Finally one of the guys decides to think, something that neither had one before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a black lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, became REALLY confused and of course scared. TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars, the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice. BOOM!! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy. He had yet to make his first car payment.
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12-15-2004, 12:42 AM | #673 |
Elf Lord
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: sikeston, MO, usa, earth, sol
Posts: 3,114
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Hannakuh/then and now
12/7/04
Can We Have a Hanukkah Tree? Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, a child asks his father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?" "What? No, of course not." says his father. "Why not?" asks the child again. Bewildered, his father replies, "Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness." courtesy Beliefnet.com via a friend's email to me
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Inked "Aslan is not a tame lion." CSL/LWW "The new school [acts] as if it required...courage to say a blasphemy. There is only one thing that requires real courage to say, and that is a truism." GK Chesterton "And there is always the danger of allowing people to suppose that our modern times are so wholly unlike any other times that the fundamental facts about man's nature have wholly changed with changing circumstances." Dorothy L. Sayers, 1 Sept. 1941 |
12-15-2004, 10:09 AM | #674 | |
The Intermittent One
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: here and there
Posts: 4,671
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Not for kiddies!
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12-15-2004, 04:29 PM | #675 | |
Elentári
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: South Africa
Posts: 727
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Quote:
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12-15-2004, 06:13 PM | #676 | ||
The Dude
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: at the altar of my ego
Posts: 1,685
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Quote:
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12-15-2004, 06:42 PM | #677 |
Dúnedain Ranger of the North
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: The Ruins of Arnor
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Confucious say: "Man who lose key to girlfriends apartment get no new key."
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12-15-2004, 07:48 PM | #678 | ||
Co-President of Entmoot
Super Moderator Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 8,397
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I've heard that truck story Melfena! *note to self... do not throw a stick of dynamite around a retriever dog*
Didn't those guys get an honourable metion in the Darwin Awards? (They couldn't win since they failed to remove themselves from the gene pool.)
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"I can add some more, if you'd like it. Calling your Chief Names, Wishing to Punch his Pimply Face, and Thinking you Shirriffs look a lot of Tom-fools." - Sam Gamgee, p. 340, Return of the King Quote:
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12-17-2004, 05:57 PM | #679 |
Lurker
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Lothlórien
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They couldn't win because the story is not true. (And if you look on the Darwin Awards website, it's listed as an urban legend there too.)
Still funny, though.
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12-18-2004, 04:59 AM | #680 |
The Dude
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: at the altar of my ego
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hahaha loosely resembles Henry Lawsons story The Loaded Dog...
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