The Jokes Thread

[Beren3000]

Originally Posted by Melfena

...The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Very nice!

[Melfena]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was
speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began "I can
explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to
let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer, I just wanted to say..." "I said to keep quiet!
You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked n on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll
be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it,"
answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[Melfena]

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were
in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,
the captain bellowed to his first mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first
mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on
and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some
casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm
as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was
on. However, the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,
though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting
the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the captain and asked,
"Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the
wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn
came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships,
10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his
usual command. The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown
pants!"

[Melfena]

Explaining politics and Corporations using two cows.

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give
one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and
gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So
what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel
guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax
your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the
tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a
cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a
campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government
taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in
a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy
a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government
takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the
milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and
force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike
because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so
they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so
they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know
where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and
learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you
have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you
don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs
to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a
partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000
cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

[Nurvingiel]

LOL Melfena!! I love that joke. I heard it as a pirate captain being attacked by the English navy, but same dif.

But isn't the punchline "Bring me my red shirt! And my brown pants!" [/nitpick]

[Melfena]

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They
arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend
the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly
vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like
everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of
gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets
what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and
the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming
pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a
Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine
and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error
has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has
there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he
gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm
getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes
here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

[Melfena]

A helicopter was flying around Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not
determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten
sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE
AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a
large sign, and held in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the
course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU
ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot
responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar
to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely
useless answer."

[Melfena]

Originally Posted by Nurvingiel

LOL Melfena!! I love that joke. I heard it as a pirate captain being attacked by the English navy, but same dif.

But isn't the punchline "Bring me my red shirt! And my brown pants!" [/nitpick]

More than likley , sorry about that .

[Melfena]

I doubt this is actualy true, but interesting never the less.

University of Illinois Entrance exam

Football player version
Time limit: 3 weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - or -
give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespear to:
a. build a bridge b. sail the ocean c. lead an army
d. write a play

4. What religion is the Pope? a. Jewish
b. Catholic c. Hindu d. Polish e. Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion - - how many feet are in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (APPROX.)

8. What are the people in America's far north called?
a.westerners b. southerners c. easterners d. northerners

9. Spell - Bush, Carter, and Clinton.

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does the rain come from?
a. Macy's b. 7-11 c. Canada
d. The Sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
a. yes b. no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium - or - spell
your name in block letters.

16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York b. FLORIDA c. Canada d. Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for?

20. The University of Illinois tradition for efficiency began when?
a. B.C. b. A.D. c. STILL WAITING

* YOU MUST ANSWER THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY

[Melfena]

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found
themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River
looking across at the Promised Land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted
over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you
have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the
Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying,
"Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to
your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will
sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one
another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul
to cross the Jordan River.

Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began
to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get
higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat,
thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He
was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge
on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see
which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of
surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the
middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles.

He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore. Al Gore is
a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back,
"I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

[Melfena]

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even
when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by
his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your
father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from
work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father
promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to
your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when
he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by
saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops the mail,
opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

[Melfena]

There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets
invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to
wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress
company to explain the problem.

A few days later, he receives a parcel with a note, "Please find
enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover
your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will be just right
as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just
emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter
of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, "Our
apologies... please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe
will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will
really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed, since they have gone from
emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. The
appalled man writes the company a very rude letter of complaint.

The next day, he receives a small parcel and a note which reads,
"Please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel
over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as
a candied apple!"

[Melfena]

There was a little boy who prayed every night for two weeks,
asking God for $100. When he got no response, he thought it
would be a good idea to write to God and see if that worked.

The post office received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA."
They decided that it would be best to just forward the letter to
President Clinton. The president read the letter and thought it
was cute, so he asked his secretary to send the boy $5, thinking
the boy would think that was a lot of money for a little boy.

When the boy got the letter, he was so excited that he sat down
immediately to write a thank-you letter. "Dear God," he wrote,
"Thank you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it is to
be expected, but I thought you should know that when you sent it
through Washington, D.C., the stinkers deducted $95."

[Melfena]

This is a true story. There was a student who had not been doing
very well in calculus, and he needed an extremely good grade on
the finals to pass the course. The finals took place in a huge
lecture hall, and there were about 1000 students taking the test
at the same time. The teacher supervising the students to make
sure nobody cheated was not very well liked. He had a bad
temper, and he always had an annoyed expression on his face.
This particular student did not do very well on tests when he
was being rushed, and the mean professor was up there screaming
out how much time they had left, and pacing the lecture hall
like a madman, glancing at everyone's paper as he walked by.
Naturally, this bothered the student, and he was doing a rather
bad job on the test.

When the teacher screamed that time was up, he kept working. The
teacher didn't bother to stop him after all of the other
students had left. He just sat at the desk at the back of the
lecture hall neatly stacking the test papers. Finally, an hour
later, the student finished. He walked up to the desk, which had
3 piles of test papers on it, each very neatly stacked, and
about 3 feet tall. The student handed the teacher his paper. The
teacher said, "Sorry, you're an hour late. You have failed both
the test and the course. You must repeat it." The student asked,
"Do you know who I am?" To which the professor responded "No,
and I don't care either." The student said, "I didn't think so."
and with those words, lifted one of the stacks halfway, shoved
his paper in, and dropped the rest of the stack on it, leaving
it perfectly stacked as it had been before. He then walked out
of the lecture hall.

[Melfena]

Once there was an explorer lost in the deepest part of the Amazon. After a
few days, he finds himself suddenly surrounded by hundreds of
blood-thirsty natives. He looks up to the sky and says, "Oh my God, I'm
screwed!!" All of a sudden, the sky opens up, and then there is a beam of
light streaming down on him, and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT
screwed. Pick up that stone at your foot, and smash it onto the skull of
the chief." So the explorer looks down, and sees the stone. He picks it
up, and bash the life out of the cheif, who is standing right in front of
him. And he stands on the chief, triumphant, puffing and puffing, with the
bloody stone in his hand. And the chief is down on the ground, bleeding
and lifeless, with his tribesmen in shock and disbelief. Now, the sky
opens up once again, and the voice booms out... "NOW, you're screwed."

[Melfena]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their
cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are
hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, look
at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends
and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a
sign from God!"

The woman takes a bottle of wine from her car and puts the cap
back on. She continued, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and
celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and takes a few swigs from the bottle and
then hands it back to the woman. She shook her head and hands it
back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[Melfena]

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of
the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in
the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and
leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way
to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore
lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies
room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and
the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the
custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the
ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it
was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a
handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest
toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the
lipstick. That was the last day that the girls pressed their
lips on the mirror.

[Nurvingiel]

Bwahaha!! I love the lipstick one, that is one smart principal. And the student doing the calculus exam is pure genius! It happened to a friend of a friend of mine...

[Earniel]

Originally Posted by Melfena

"Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

Ohh, good one!

[Melfena]

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes
downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his
4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's
hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams
the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough,
there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet
floor. "You idiot!" says the husband, "My wife's having a
heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"