The Jokes Thread

[Janny]

Actually, and I wish not incur more wrath from more people, I don't get it. I would very much like to... I suspect it may be deficient knowledge of cars. anywhoo, can you explain it?

[Aragorn]

He put it into Racecar-gear, as in, Reverse.

[Janny]

And this destroys the gear box?

[Aragorn]

Well when you're going very fast and all of the sudden you switch into reverse, I could only assume it does some type of damage.

[Melfena]

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from New Jersey and fell into it:
"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the
State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a
chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick
at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas
hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I
am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting plastered.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that 300 lb. thing is starting to look HOT,
just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really makes me mad that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that thing Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, &
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava-like crap to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------

(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[Melfena]

Signs...

Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT
LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO


Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED
OF.

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

[Melfena]

An Indian named Chief Bowels lived in a teepee on the reservation. One day
he received a letter from the state division of highways that said that
they were going to build a freeway and it would go right through where his
teepee was located and he would have to move.

He was very upset about this because his ancestors had lived in that exact
place for many generations.

He decided to go into town to talk to someone and get them to change the
route of the freeway.

He arrived in town but didn't know where to go so he asked someone for
directions to the local office of the highway department. He was told to
go three blocks straight ahead then turn left for two blocks and it would
be on the right.

He went three blocks straight ahead then turned right and went into the
building on the left. It was a drugstore.

The druggist asked him if he could help him and the Indian replied.
"Bowels no move!"

"Oh," said the druggist. That's no problem. Take this twice a day for a
week." he said, as he gave the Indian a bottle of medicine.

The Indian left and one week later the he returned. "Hello," said the
druggist. "Did that medicine work?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Well, well," said the druggist. "It appears that we will have to use
something a little stronger. Take this four times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. "Hello again," said the
druggist. "How are you doing?"

"Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

"Oh my goodness!" said the druggist. "This really calls for something
drastic. This is the most powerful treatment in existance. Take it eight
times a day for a week."

The Indian left and one week later he returned. When the druggist saw him
he asked, "bowels move?"

"Bowels have to move" said the Indian. "Teepee full of ****."

[Melfena]

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by
the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
'Guns don't kill people. I do.'

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving.
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave 'hello' if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

[Nurvingiel]

Originally Posted by Aragorn

Well when you're going very fast and all of the sudden you switch into reverse, I could only assume it does some type of damage.

Oh it does. It does. This joke was freakin hilarious!

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

Originally Posted by Melfena

Signs...
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

isnt it funny what a difference a bit of punctuation makes?
a common sign in uk is

SLOW LORRIES TURNING MUD ON ROADS

which seems to imply rather stupid vehicles picking up dirt, and moving it about a bit.
it should be

SLOW!!
LORRIES TURNING.

MUD ON ROADS.


What do you call a guy that hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

A man walks into a shop and asks the assistant if he can help select a guitar, as he is thinking of learning to play. The assistant looks confused for a few minutes, and then says 'You're a drummer, aren't you?' to which the man replies 'Yeah, how'd you know?' 'This is a fish shop', comes the reply!!

What do you call an ent with a limp?
Poor Tree in Motion!!

oh, i slay me!!

[Insidious Rex]

Originally Posted by Last Child of Ungoliant

isnt it funny what a difference a bit of punctuation makes?
a common sign in uk is

SLOW LORRIES TURNING MUD ON ROADS

which seems to imply rather stupid vehicles picking up dirt, and moving it about a bit.

Almost as good as the "SLOW CHILDREN" signs here.

Do they really mean better watch out theres stupid kids about?

[Jonathan]

There is already a "funny signs" thread here.

Signs can be incredibly funny, can't they?

[Meriadoc Brandybuck]

A group of blondes in Hungry (or was it Turkey?) protested in front of the State House to ban blonde jokes. Unfortunatly for them, it was a mural of the State House. This is a true story. It was on the news today!

Never, under any circumstances, take a lacsitive(sp) and sleeping pill on the same night.

[Lief Erikson]

Mainly Christians would get this one, but others might too.

Hymns vs. Choruses: A quick guide to telling the difference!

An old farmer had to visit the city on business, so on Sunday he attended a city church for the first time. When he got home, his wife asked about his trip and he told her about going to church.

"How was it?" his wife asked.

"Well," the farmer replied, "they sing praise choruses instead of hymns."

"What are praise choruses?" she asked.

"They're sort of like hymns, only different," he said.

"If I sang to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn', well, that would be like a hymn.

"But if I said, 'Martha, Martha, Martha; Oh, Martha, Martha, Martha; the cows, cows, cows are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, corn, corn; the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows; the cows, cows, cows are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, corn, corn . . .' well, that would be a praise chorus!"




Meanwhile, a young businessman had left the city for a weekend trip to the country, where he visited a small-town church for the first time.

When he got home, his wife asked him about the trip.

"Well, they sing hymns instead of regular songs."

"Hymns," said his wife, "what are they?"

"They're sort of like regular songs, only different," the man answered. "It's like this: if I were to say to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn', well, that would be a regular song. But if I said:

'Oh, Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry,
inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth,
turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by,
to the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.

'For the way of the animals, who can explain?
there in their heads is no shadow of sense;
whilst fairest of farmer prayed God for rain,
Holsteins had trampled o'er farmland and fence.

'Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight
have broke free from their shackles their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night,
they all of my sweet corn have chewed.

'Lord, dearest Lord, hear thee my plea
willest the cows from the seed,
and back to the barn by thy grace heavenly,
before through my house they stampede.'

"Then, if I were to sing only verses one, three and four, and do a key change on the last verse, well, that would be a hymn!"

[Melfena]

A salesman is trying to call a client.
The phone rings and their little boy, in a whisper, says, "Hello."

SALESMAN: "Is your mommy there?
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "Yes."
SALESMAN: "Can I speak with her?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "She's busy."
SALESMAN: "Is your daddy there?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "Yes."
SALESMAN: "Can I speak with him?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "He's busy."
SALESMAN: "Is there anyone else there?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "The fire department."
SALESMAN: "Can I talk to one of them?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "They're busy."
SALESMAN: "Is there anybody else there?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "The police department."
SALESMAN: "Well, can I talk to one of them?"
LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "They're busy."

SALESMAN: "Let me get this straight, your mother, father, the
fire department and the police department are all in your
house, and they're all busy. What are they doing?"

LITTLE BOY: (whisper) "They're looking for me."

[Melfena]

Let's see if I understand how America works lately...

If a woman burns her thighs on a hot coffee she was holding in
her lap while driving, she blames the retaurant.

If your teenage son kills himself, you blame rock and roll music
or the musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs of cigarettes a day for forty years and
you die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco companies.

If your teenage daughter gets pregnant by the football captain,
you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbour crashes his car into a tree while driving home
drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up
heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing
clean needles.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame
television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun
manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill
the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead,
the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world anymore, so
if I die while I am parked in front of this computer, I want you
to blame Bill Gates. Ok

[Melfena]

There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole
world!!

Once when Bubba got a new job, he says to his new boss, "Boss, I
know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him,
so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but
Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!"
then Bubba says "Pick someone and I know them!"

Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a
name.

"Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba say "Tom
Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were
kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says
"Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom
Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck
answers and Bubba says "Tom!!!" and Tom says "Bubba!" and they
hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe
it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one
person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody
else!"

This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill
Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I
do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's
boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" So
they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a
press conference. They work their way through the crowd until
Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!"
and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference
they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned
- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two
people in one country - that doesn't mean he knows everyone in
the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick
someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope!
You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pose
BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba
says "Yes he did!" So they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving
Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work
their way through the crowd - without much luck - so Bubba says
"Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these
people so I tell you what - I'll work my way up there and when I
do, I'll give you a sign that show you I know the Pope!" and he
leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just
when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the
balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!

Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back
and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss!
Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what
happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says, "OK, I can see
Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton and I can even take the
Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks

'Who's that up there with Bubba?', that's a little more than I
can take!"

[Melfena]

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his
own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that
the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he
could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole
year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words
(this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair,
sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest
difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole
years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling," But,
at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved
her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking
(bringing the total number of silent years to 5).

But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to
ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without
speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no
bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and
romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped
a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her
hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you
marry me?"

And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty
ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby
lips, said, "Pardon?"

[Melfena]

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with
his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three
million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The
Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from
me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney,
using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars
is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're
talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of
the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!*
money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The
accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase
behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he
say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't
have the guts to pull the trigger."

[Melfena]

Not sure if this would qualify as a joke, but here it is anyway.

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the
story.

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had
jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide
(he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth
floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which
killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that
a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some
window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his
suicide anyway because of this.

Ordinarily, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds,
even though the mechanism might not be what he intended.

That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably
would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the
fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the
medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied
by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening
her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he
completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window
striking Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one
is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge,
the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the
shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to
threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder
her; therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is,
the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal
incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of
Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist.

Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become
increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his
mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March
23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.