Tolkien Lovers Anonymous

[Earniel]

Eärniel: *watches Renille leaving and turns to Garina and Eruviel* Tell you what, let's put away the miruvor...

Eruviel: WHAT?!?!

Eärniel: Let me finish. Let's put the miruvor away.. for now. Aragren is not happy about it and you should always keep a future queen as friend not matter what her height or age is.

Garina: *catching on fast* And we'd be doing it for Aragren, right? So it'd be just coincedence that we'll have more miruvor later....

Earniel: Exactly, it would come in handy on the throne warming party Aragren will be giving when she's queen.

Eruviel: I didn't know she was going to throw in a party.

Eärniel: *evil grin* Neither does she.

Eruviel: Right... So we'll stop drinking too much miruvor, but we could still drink a little right? Strickly for medical purposes?

Eärniel: *rolls eyes* Duh, do pigs fly? Off course we can drink some until then, as long as Aragren isn't looking.

Garina: *frowns* But pigs don't fly....

Eruviel: Never mind, so will we be checking out the island?

Eärniel: mmm, don't feel like island hopping that much anymore... *looks at own arm* Do you think I'm edible? Anyway, can I borrow your LOTR copy?

Eruviel: Well yes... but it has changed now and isn't finished yet.

Eärniel: Never mind that, thank you.

*Eärniel retreats to het cabin with the book, a while later they here laughter coming from it and something that sounds like "Denny!! Whahahah! Rubber duckies!!! Hihihih! Bwahahah!!"*

OOC: Willow, Renille you doing those scenes is fine with me, *feel nitpicking attack coming up, just blame it on those exams*but don't go claiming all the scenes at once, okay?

[Renille]

OOC- Yes, ma'am, Earniel, ma'am. Sorry. Really...I won't claim any more scenes, I promise. And I won't be too put-out if someone else accidently does the scene, either. All settled? Yes? Okay. On to the...next part.

Renille- Can I see the book again, Eruviel?

EG-Sure, why?

Renille- I need to see it...I need to know when to come in.

Earniel- Not yet, they're still on the window.

Renille- STILL? But we can't stay on the ship forever, we don't have enough supplies!

Gimrina- We have lots of miruvor!

Renille- That's not enough. You guys...I'm doing something desperate.

Earniel- Um...might I remind you what happened LAST time you tried something desperate??

EG-OH YEAH, you got rammed by huorns...I remember that!

Renille- This is worse. I'm calling the cell phone of power.

Gimrina- WHAT? Why?

Earniel- Aragren's not supposed to commit suicide, is she?

Renille- I have to hurry them up a bit. We'll never get it destroyed at this rate!

EG- Okay, but...do you know the number?

Renille- Ummm....no. But is it in the book?

OOC- I dunno, is it?

[Willow Oran]

OOC: Time to move the plot along. Let's just assume that the scenes at the window happened and they've left. You guys can do a flash back of some sort later if you want but it's time to move.

(Tano and Willow have spent a somewhat boring week in Minas Telephone, they are currently watching the road from the walls above the main gate.)

Willow:Hey what's that?

Tano: What's what?

Willow:That black smudge on the horizon, it's coming closer!

(Suddenly a rider comes up to the gate, he looks panicked and his hose looks as if it's been ridden hard.)

Rider: Faramirazhi and his men are retreating from Osgiliath! They're pursued closely by the Phone Wraiths! Send this message to Denethor that he may send out men to cover they're retreat!

Tano:You fly and tell the captain of the guard. I'll run and tell Denny.

Willow:Right. Finally, it was about time we got things started.

(They fly and run off.)

[Claenoic]

Mouramer: Well, now seems to be a fine and dandy time to go the Pelennor Fields!

All: ...

TCowyn: *Whisper* Did someone give her miruvor?

Claenoic: Well... she was being all grim. I thought it would cheer her up!

Theoden: We'd better get a move on however. Right about now, Gondor should've started the seige.

TCowyn: Can't I come?

Mouramer: (Now slightly back to normal) No! Besides, you're supposed to come anyway inexplicably. As Dernhelm. REMEMBER!?!?!

TCowyn: Oh yea. But you're a girl too.

Mouramer: Well, that doesn't matter.

OOC: Had to get the Mourlingas moving. Forgive me?

[Elf Girl]

OOC: Sorry! I was detained for two days, and I seem to be the only poster over hear.

Counselor: *hears ringing phone* Excuse me a moment... *reaches for it*

Elf Girl&Laurelyn: NOOO!

Counselor: Yes? Oh, I see. We'll try. *puts away phone* Do either of yo know anyone called "Aragren"? *to Mirahzi* I'm afraid we'll have to cut our visit short... Our friends want us to get a move on....

Elf Girl: Friends?

Laurelyn: Friends?

Both: *slap hands* She's one of US!

Counselor: *under her breath* loonies...

Laurelyn: Or not...

[Mirahzi]

OOC: Gonna do my Flee-from-Osgiliath scene.

Legions of orcs and Southrons, led by the Nazgul, are chasing Faramir's men from Osgiliath.

Random Soldiers: Ahh! Crap, we're gonna die..

Faramir: Ok, people.. I realize we're being chased by a billion bad guys with big weapons.. not to mention the flying undead psychos with unnaturally high voices.. but please, please, please try to keep it together!

More Random Soldiers: Ahh! Crap, we're gonna die and our captain's an idiot!

Faramir: Hey, that's just uncalled for.. but maybe we should run a bit faster.

During this interesting dialogue, the Gondorians are dropping like flies.. until the cavalry from Minas Tirith arrives.

Fleeing Soldiers: Yay! Horsies!

Vicious, rather one-sided battle ensues.

Faramir fighting with Southron: Hah! Take that! And that!

One of the Nazgul fires a poisoned spitball..

Faramir: Owie! That really hurt you winged - (faints)

[Renille]

OOC- Okay. I'd better get our plot moving, too.

Renille- They said they were coming as quickly as they could. Glodo answered. I don't think she knew me. Okay,what now?

Earniel- WELL, for starters, we should get a bit closer to our destiny.

Eruviel- That is...if we know the way.

Gimrina-Oh well. We'll find it eventually.

Renille- Okay. What now? OOH...the book! Eruviel, don't bother. I forgot, I have a copy too...let's see if it does the same thing. *Opens to find a normal, complete LOTR.* It's full! This must be the GUIDE book. Your's is OUR story. Can I see it??

Eruviel- Sure...again?

Renille- Are there maps in the front by any chance?Maybe we could figure out where we are.

OOC- I'll let someone else figure it out...

[Earniel]

Eärniel: We'd better move on, the deads captain on the other ships are getting impatient. They say they're following us to fight a war, not make a cruise. They also added that a true king would...

Renille: YES! Yes! I get it!

Eärniel: Fne, no need to get excited, I'm just relaying a message. Don't shoot the messenger.

Renille: Don't give me ideas!

Eärniel: You can't shoot me, Aragren! You NEED me!

Renille: No, I don't! You didn't manage to play Sam's role well, Gandgirl took your place, you didn't even managed to play Gandgirl's role since Tanoliel and Willow went to Minas Telephone without you and your cooking is awefull!

*The other TLA-members look shocked at Renille, Garina hides behind Eruviel anticipating an outburst from Eärniel. (Since they're at sea and there are no crickets there) they hear the gulls crying above their heads.*

Eärniel: *icely* Very well, have it your way. *walks away*

Eruviel: *sighs releaved*

Garina: *comes out of hiding* We survived, she took it rather well. Don't ever do that again, Aragren!

Renille: Hey, I'm under a lot of stress here and now...

*she is cut off as the boat rocks violently,every body, except for the elves, loses their footing and falls on deck. The ship changes course and starts speeding. The other ships follow immediatly. The little Cellowship looks up and sees Eärniel standing at the wheel.*

Renille: What the hell was that good for?!

Eruviel: Sshhhhhht! Don't anger her! There's no telling what she'll do!

*they walk over to Eärniel*

Garina: *trying to stay as calm as possible* Say, Samniel... Um, what are you doing?

Eärniel: We want to get to Gondor right?

Garina: Yes, but we don't know where it lies...

Eärniel: *rolls eyes* Amateurs.... *points at convenient compass next to the steering wheel*

Renille: *blinks* That wasn't there before now, was it?

Eruviel: The world's are still merging, and faster now. There is no telling what we'll find in Gondor if we don't move quickly.

[Willow Oran]

(Tano and Willow are still in Minas Telephone, which is under siege, Faramirazhi has just completed the retreat and is really badly hurt)

Denny: This city is gonna go up in flames! I have seen it, We're all gonna die, let's panic!

Tano:I told you he was a depressed pyromaniac.

Willow:I never said he wasn't. Shouldn't we take Faramirazhi to the hospital place thingy here.

Tano:Not yet, we have to let him almost die first, and then he won't get healed until Aragren gets here.

Willow:Right, the others should be here in about... (checks book) two days.

Tano:We have to keep this city under control for two days by ourselves?!?

Willow:Well technically Gandgirl is supposed to do that but, as she isn't here... That leaves us as the sanest people here.

(A look of horror appears on Tano's face)

Tano: You mean, every everyone else in this city has subcumed to the Riders in White?

Willow: I fear it is so.

Tano:In that case we must split up, You go to the gates and keep the Riders in White out of the City. I'll stay here and make sure Denny doesn't do anything drastic.

Willow:Right.

[Renille]

OOC- Earniel, you're making me look evil.. Okay, then. Evil Ren it is! (heheheh)


Renille- Okay...I assume you know what you're doing, Earniel. It would be a first, but miracles can happen.

Earniel- *Coldly*Don't start. Don't even start.

Renille-What is your PROBLEM? You're not even supposed to be here!

Earniel- What's MY problem??? What's YOUR problem? I try to help, and all you EVER do to me is beat me down and berate me! You're not fit to be queen at all!

Renille- *breath* fine. * starts going off* Who cares about Minas Telephone anyway? I'm sure EARNIEL could rule it much better. So I think I'll go. *slams cabin door.*

Eruviel- That was a little harsh.

Gimrina- Which one? They were both...

Earniel- Shut up. We're getting to Gondor with or without HER help. What has SHE ever done anyway? Look, we're here.

Crowd- LOOK! IT'S THE PIRATES! THE CORSAIRS ARE HERE! RUNN!

Captain- Let's attack them, too!*Runs*

Eruviel- Where's Ren? She's supposed to be standing there with a crown and her Elessar!

Earniel- *knocks* Time for your appearance, "milady"

Renille- Shut up and go away. I'm not coming. Let them get you.

OOC- I'm not really this horrible in real life, I promise.

[Eruviel Greenleaf]

EG: That's it. THis is getting ridiculous! *bangs on cabin door* Ren, we need you, and NOW! If you don't come out and act like a queen this minute, I'm going to do it for you, and then they'll have an elf ruling Gondor! I'll just take your place as queen if you don't come now!
Ren: Alright, I'll come! *storms out of cabin, ready.*
EG: *to Earniel and Garina...that got her out quickly...

[Tanoliel]

Tano: Denny! Denethor! Denethor! Where is he? He can't be going pyro on me yet, I've still got a day, haven't I? *checks book* Well, supposedly, but this book is going all funky...squirt guns? Faramirahzi, what are you doing? *looks up* Nevermind. I'll read up on the rest later...
*runs up the front steps to the palace and goes in. Denny is sitting on the throne, holding the broken transistor radio.*
Denny: Boradiomir...that's what we should call you. Boradiomir. Why did you have to fall victim to that evil curse? Why can't you be here now, to help us?
Tano: Denethor?
Denny: Oh. It's you.
Tano: Yes, it's me...what other hobbit is running around in--oh, wait, Willow's here. Well, she's out there. *Waves hand out toward the gates of the city* But nevermind. I'm here to cheer you up.
Denny: Can you juggle?
Tano: No.
Denny: Can you walk on your hands?
Tano: No...
Denny: Do you have trained oliphaunts?
Tano: er...no...
Denny: I want a circus, and I won't be cheered up by anything else!
Tano: o.O *mutters* okay...a completely loony depressive pyromaniac...joy...Well, I don't have a circus. Sorry. Can I sit on your lap?
Denny: Uh...if you want. *moves Boradiomir*
Tano: Yay! *jumps onto the Steward's lap* Will you tell me a story?
Denny: Um...
Tano: Please?
Denny: Okay, okay...Once upon a time...

Ten minutes later, Tano is half asleep and Denethor is still talking...and talking...and talking....


-tano

[Earniel]

OOC: Evil Renille? I was going for Renille-it's- bloody- stressfull - to- be- a- queen- so- don't- bug- me- overmuch. But evil Renille is good enough.

Eärniel:*mockingly* That was quick. Did you miss me?

Eruviel: Don't you start again!

Renille: No, I just don't want an elf on my seat, I still hope they will get you.

*Eärniel and Aragren glare at each other*

Garina: Okay, I had it with the two of you. I was hoping a queen and a sea elf would know to behave. Now if you two don't start behaving any time soon I will personally make sure that YOU *points at Renille* will never have a licence to drive a horse and YOU *points at Eärniel* will never eat chocolate again!

*Eärniel and Renille in unison* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Eruviel: Garina's right. Now behave.

Eärniel: *meek voice* I'll be good.

Renille: *little voice* So will I.

Eruviel: That's better, now shake hands.

Eärniel: What!? Fne, the things I do for chocolate...

*Eärniel and Renille look at each other, embarrased they shake hands*

Garina: Good, now that's settled, can we please get on with the fight?

[Renille]

OOC- Stressed-out Ren works, too...

Renille- Look what I can do! *proceeds to stand in the helm of the ship with her crown and her Elessar on...blah blah...*

Crowd- It's the...the...who is that?

SSA- AH-HAH! It's that runaway teenager again!!! I'm waiting for you! Where are those handcuffs??

Earniel-Hehe...it isn't working, IS it miss "I-can-stand-on- the- wall-and-make-everything-better?"

Renille- SHUT UP AND START THINKING!

Garina- Ahem.

Renille- Oh...yeah...sorry. *to crowd* It is I! Aragren, daughter of Arathren! Heir of Isildur!

Crowd- It's the king! A king has come! But it's a girl king! THE GIRL KING HAS COME!

Eruviel- Queen would work just fine...but...

Renille- *Landing the ship* Come on, you guys! Let's get my city back! *Battle commences*

[Elf Girl]

Glodo & co., having walked far away.

Finrod: the nice hobbitses will- *glances at Elf Girl* The nice hobbitses and wizardses will enter this mysterious dark forbidding tunnel now.

Laurelyn: *enters mysterious dark forbidding tunnel* Must you phrase it that way?

Counselor: No! Absolutely not. I have been diagnosed claustrophobic by the great Swiss monarch, and- *recieves stares*

Laurelyn: Maybe she is one of us...

Later...

Elf Girl: *tentatively* You know... insects?

Laurelyn: Wha- Oh. *catches drift* Yes. You mean, like arachnids?

Finrod: Arachnids aren't insectses.

Elf Girl: *whacks Finrod over the head*

Finrod: Ouch! Nice wizardses doesn't really wants to be mean to poor Smearod, does they? *looks increasingly suspicious* Does they?

Elf Girl: Anyway, on the supject of arachnids, er, just for, uh, general conversation, how do people feel about them?...

Counselor: Ack! I hate spiders!

Elf Girl: *glances nervously at Laurelyn* Um, just for the sake of argument, how would you feel if you, uh, knew that onewasgoingtopoisonyou?

Counselor: Er, what was that? *meaning hits her* Arghhulp... *strangled coking noise* nooo... *High-pitched, deafening scream* What's that?

A giant, white spider looms above them. Finrod has disappeared.

[Willow Oran]

(Willow flies down into the city heading for the gate, as she reaches it she sees the Lord of the Riders in White before it. He is in a white armored truck, the type designed for taking people away in. And he is about to enter the city.)

RiW:Mwahahahahahahaaa!!!!!!!!!! I will take you all away in my truck of doom! and you will be forced to wear straight jackets and eat... processed food with no sugar content that all tastes like overcooked spinach!

Willow:No! We will never let you pass!

RiW: Want to bet on that?

Willow:No, but I'm not letting you by me. (Thinking) The rohirrim had better hurry up so that TCowyn, Claenoic and I can finish off this sucker.

(Fortunately for Willow, who was about to be pulverized by the RiW, the Rohirrim had indeed been hurrying and the RiW was distracted by their horn blowing and Battle crying. With a scream of rage He rode out to meet their charge and Willow flew after him wondering how on earth she was going to help kill him without a weapon.)

[Nazgûl Queen]

*A man collapses at Moraumers feet, carrying a bright blue arrow*

Moraumer: Erm... isn't it supposed to be, well, red?

Man: Shut up and go to Gondor!

Moraumer: *rolls eyes* Well, we were just about to leave, but if you're going to be so RUDE about it, maybe we'll just stay here!

TCowyn: *whispers to another member of the Eored* I think she's going mad

Moraumer: HEY! I heard that, TC... erm, I mean Dernhelm!

Man: Are you coming to Gondor or not?

Moraumer: Alright already, we're going!

*They ride*

Moraumer: Okay, where's that Wildman person?

Civilised Man: I believe you are referring to myself, Buri Ghan of the Wildmen. We do not enjoy being referred to as wildmen, merely because we are more in touch with nature than you "civilised" people.

Moraumer: *speechless* But... you're supposed to be all wild and stuff!

BG: You appear to have been misinformed on that account. However, I will be glad to lead you and your army to Pelennor Fields in order that you may assisst your allies.

Moraumer: *muttering* Nothing's going right today... *To Buri Ghan* That would be most appreciated, sir.

BG: Then follow me. Right this way, Sirs... and Ma'am...

*The Moraued follow Buri Ghan to the Pelennor Fields*

Theoden: CHARGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Moraued charges down to battle the Orcs*

[Tanoliel]

Tano: *wakes up in an empty Great Hall* Wha-? Wait, what's happening? Oh, the stories...Eru, that was boring. Denny? Where's Denny? *suddenly remembers the Book* Oh, Holy Mother of Unicorns! He's gonna go all pyromaniac on me! *dashes out of the great hall* Wait..no...Faramirahzi has to get a mortal wound first, neh? Still, I should find Denny...*rushes around palace until she spots him, then follows him around like an inept spy while he wanders aimlessly*

ooc: Faramirahzi...you gonna almost die in the arms of your beloved? Ooops...wrong thread!
-tano

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

"Well, well. Wat ave we ere?"

*The Giant White Spider loomed over Elf Girl, Laurelyn, and Glodo*

"Short with large 'arry feet. Nice. Calloused too, like shoes."

*Elf Girl jumps out weilding her wingless plastic balrog toy that goes, "sqeak".*

Elf Girl~ Back Back!
wingless plastic balrog toy~ Squeek

*The spider (Shekatt) takes the toy while Elf Girl hides with her head under her arms*

wingless plastic balrog toy~ Squeek Aaaah!

Shekatt~ Plastic. Totally unedible. Oy Smerod! I gotta friend for... Now wherdid he go? *Throws wingless plastic balrog toy aside* Whats this? *Throws back the bottom of Elf Girls robes* Oh, wizard feet. Look, (pointing) Dragon Hyde boots. Tiny feet two. Ah well.

*By this time Laurelyn and Glodo are also hiding with their heads under their arms. Shekatt pickes them up by their coats.*

Shekatt~ It costs a shilling each to ride.

Laurelyn~ R-r-rr-ride?

Shekatt~ Yeah, now don't tell me you forgot a shilling?

Glodo~ To go where?

Shekatt~ To go through of course! How did you expect to get through, walk? *Drops them rather painfully* Or I could just (pause) leave you here...

Laurelyn and Glodo~ No! no no! *Scramble around and find two shillings*

*Shekatt holds out a tin for them and everyone climbs into the tour cart that just zoomed out of the tunnle on railroad tracks*

Shekatt~ And you wizard! (she yelled as they started into the cave) Arn't you supposed to be somewhere else?

*Elf Girl could no longer see them for they were too deep in the cavern*

[Willow Oran]

The RiW heads directly for the center of the rohirric charge, and comes to to a crash on top of Theoden.

RIW:HaHa!! Sucker! I shall vanquish all!!!!

TCowyn: How dare you kill my uncle! I'll get you for that you evil sane person!

RiW: You? a mere boy? I'll have you know that it is prophicized tha no man shall ever kill me?

TCowyn: No man am I! A women stands before you, for I am TCowyn, shieldmaiden of the North and you stand between me and my kin!

RiW: I will take you back to Mordor with me and there the Dark Lord will look into your mind and his gaze will shrivel it up and you will become a piece of discarded chicken, burnt to crisp and left out in the cold on a greasy barbacue!

(Meanwhile Claenoic and Willow have met up again and are observing this exchange)

Claenoic, I could have sworn that his threatening quote didn't involve chickens...

Willow:I guess it does now. Look they're fighting!

(TCowyn and the RiW have indeed begun to fight, She has punctured the tires on the RiW's truck and he has come out to do single combat with her, unfortunenatly he has the height advantage and TCowyn seems to be losing.)

Claenoic: He's gonna slaughter her! We've got to do something!

Willow: Right, You sneak up behind him and get his leg.

Claenoic: What'll you do? You haven't got a weapon!

Willow: I'll get a rock.

Claenoic: A big one?

Willow: Yeah, and I'll drop it on his head.

(She looks around and picks up a rather large rock and flies up with it till she is above the RiW. As she is doing this Claenoic sneas up bhind the RiW and stabs him in the knee. As soon as she has done this Willow drops the rock and it hits the RiW on the shoulder, throwing him of balance and giving TCowyn the chance she needed. She stabs him in the stomach and he falls to his knees.)

RiW: TCowyn, before I die, there is something I must tell you...

TCowyn:Huh?

RiW: TCowyn... I am your nephew. (He dies)

(And so the Rider in White was vanquished, but the shock of his dying words was so great that TCowyn, and Claenoic, because she had been close enough to hear, did the only thing they could in reaction to it. They fell over backwards in a dead faint. Willow had been in the air and had not heard all of what the RiW had said and was not affected so obviously. Seeing that the battle was almost over she flew off to find a medic, or two, or someone else from the cllowship that might actually know what to do with a couple of unconcious people.)