The Jokes Thread

[Melfena]

The Following Were Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:


1. FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

2. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

3. FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

4. GERMAN SHEPHERD. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

5. FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat . . been out awhile. Better be a reward.

6. COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

7. NORDIC TRACK. $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.

8. GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

9. NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once.

10. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer. $300.

AND THE BEST ONE . . .

11. FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything

[Melfena]

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital,
near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition
appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for
something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and
Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he
died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized
that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol'
Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just
before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm
sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen
tube!"

[Melfena]

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want
the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women
on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their
women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and
there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their
women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their
women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created,
you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the
only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell
them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[Nurvingiel]

LOL Melfena!! Those personal ads in the paper were awesome!

And... we've been eating the managers... BWAHAHAHA!!!

[jerseydevil]

Here's a joke Ararax IMed me a couple of a days ago.

--------------------
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.......

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

this came from a classifieds in an english paper:

FOR SALE
Adult Dog,
Will eat anything
Loves Children



and a sign at a funerary centre
NO EXIT

[Melfena]

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a
trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on
eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have
a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist
that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later,
the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

[Melfena]

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a
tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan
tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, a blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde
checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the
pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with
a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

[Melfena]

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a
discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the
following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the
third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission
to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the
professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the
following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Again,
silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded,
"Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that
our professor has no brain!"

[Melfena]

A woman called the Cannon help desk with a problem with her printer.
The tech asker her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman
then responded, "NO, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good
point... The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his is working just fine."


Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse pad, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"


I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document
back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to
keep it.


Customer: "Can you copy the internet for me onto this diskette?"


I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go
something like this:
Customer: "Hi... Is this the internet?"


Some people pay for their online services with check made payable to
"The Internet."


Customer: "So, that will get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh... uh... uh...yeah."


Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game..."
Tech Support: "All right then, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot it."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed!"
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before! I crashed
the spaceship, and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: Click on "File", then "New Game".
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

[Insidious Rex]

Did you know that the number one issue in dealing with customers that call computer help lines is (get ready for it...) that they dont own a computer! For real. people call up and want to know how to use this CD thingee that get in the mail and they dont have a computer. Its gotten to the point where the first question many tech support people will ask is "do you own a computer."

[Aragorn]

When I have kids I'm going to name them CTRL, ALT, and DEL. Whenever there's a problem I'll punch them all twice. Problem solved.

The general trend with people on the internet seems to be:
Personality
Looks
Mentally Stable
Pick two.

Games don't make people violent. Lag does.

[Beren3000]

This was probably posted before, but what the heck:

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Answer:

Pick the grenade off the ground, take the pin out and throw it back at her

Another one:

Two rich people were bragging about their ancestors. The first one said:
"My ancestors were very technologically advanced: I dug under my manor the other day and found phone cords."
-"Well, my ancestors were more advanced than that. They used cell-phones because when I dug under my manor, I found NOTHING."


And yet another:

During the Vietnam war, army people went around recruiting men for the army. So this man who doesn't want to go looks around for a place to hide in while the army people pass by. He finds no place to hide in; suddenly he sees a nun standing in the street. So he goes up to her and says:
"Sister, sitser, can I ask you for a favor?"
-"Sure, son."
-"I have a family to support and I can't risk going to war. So could you please hide me under your skirt until the army people pass by?"
-"No problem, son."
So he hides under her skirt until the army people pass by
-"You can come out now, dear. They're gone."
-"Thanks for hiding me, sister. Can I tell you something?"
-"Go ahead."
-"Don't be offended...but I think you've got the most beautiful legs I've ever seen!"
So the nun started laughing and said: "You poor man, if you had looked up you would've found out that I don't wanna go to Vietnam too!"

[Nurvingiel]

LOL these jokes are hilarious! Gwahaha!!

I heard the grenade joke like this...



What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?


RUN!! She's got a live granade in her mouth!!

[Falagar]

*Knock knock*

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting cow."

"Interrupting cow wh..."

"Moooooo!"

[Grey_Wolf]

A Norwegian went into a cardealer to buy a car.

The next day he came back with a ruined gearbox. They fixed it right away and he drove happily off.

The next day he came back with another ruined gearbox and the day after and the day after that.

The cardealer asked him how he changed gears.

"This way. First, everythings going fine, second, even better, third, excellent, fourth, extraordinary well and then I slam it into Racer-gear."

[Beren3000]

What's green on the outside, red on the inside with tiny black seeds and is not a watermelon?
Answer:

Half a watermelon!

***

Some blondes gathered up to make a mafia organisation. Their...I should say "godmother" wanted to test her top three captains. So she asked the first one:
-What's 1+1?
- 3, boss!
-Ok, you can go.
He asks the next one:
-What's 1+1?
-11, boss!
-Ok, you can go.
Then the third one:
-What's 1+1?
-2, boss!
So the godmother shot her. When the other 2 women asked her why, she said: "She knows too much."
***

At a mental instituition, the doctor wanted to find out which of his patients had improved. So he gathered three of them and asked the first:
-What's 2*2?
-22, doctor.
He asks the next one:
-What's 2*2?
-Friday, doctor.
Then he asks the third:
-What's 2*2?
-4, doctor.
-Wow that's great! How did you figure it out?
-Simple, doctor. I just subtracted 22 from Friday.

[Aragorn]

Three guys die and go to heaven. They reach the gates and Saint Peter says, "Alright, it seems we have everything on you three except for how you died. So if you could please tell me, in order, how each of you died, we'll see if you can pass."

The first man says, "For the longest time, I had suspected my wife of cheating on me. So one day, I came home from work early, and found her naked on the bed with her's and another man's clothes all over the room, but there was no other man! So I searched the entire house, and found nothing. Finally, I went out to the balcony and there was a man hanging off. So I ran back into the house, got a shovel, came back, and beat his hands until he fell. But he wasn't quite dead, so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. However, the stress from lifting the refrigerator was so much that I had a heart attack and died."

The second man says, "Every morning I go out to my balcony to do my daily arobics. This one morning I somehow accidentally slipped off, but I was able to grab ahold of the balcony below me. Then some crazy man came out, beat my hands with a shovel, and threw a refrigerator on me!"

The third man says, "Get this. I'm hiding naked in a refrigerator..."

[Nurvingiel]

LOL Aragorn, that is my FAVOURITE joke of all time!! I think it was actually told before, way back when, in this thread...

Originally Posted by Grey_Wolf

A Norwegian went into a cardealer to buy a car.

The next day he came back with a ruined gearbox. They fixed it right away and he drove happily off.

The next day he came back with another ruined gearbox and the day after and the day after that.

The cardealer asked him how he changed gears.

"This way. First, everythings going fine, second, even better, third, excellent, fourth, extraordinary well and then I slam it into Racer-gear."

LOL!!

[Aragorn]

Yeah...I actually think I might have told it before...