The Jokes Thread - Page 29

Insidious Rex · 11-12-2004, 02:29 PM

An undertaker comes up to the elderly widow after the funeral and asks, "How old was your husband?"
"98. Two years older than me."
"So you're 96."
"Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Telcontar_Dunedain · 11-12-2004, 02:33 PM

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks!

Insidious Rex · 11-12-2004, 03:02 PM

prepare your groaning muscle...

Once upon a time, a beautiful young antelope had a wild date in the forest, so she was getting all gussied up—new dress, makeup, everything. Suddenly, as she was just about ready, she was stampeded by a herd of wildebeests, becoming the world's first self-dressed, stamped antelope.

***Rían*** · 11-12-2004, 03:55 PM

*groan* !!

Beren3000 · 11-12-2004, 05:02 PM

A group of blonde girls were fed up with all the blonde-bashing jokes, so they filed a petition proposing a law against telling blonde jokes. The mayor of their state (in order to satsify everyone) proposed a solution: a press conference where all the blondes elect the smartest one among them to be their spokeswoman and answer one question that the mayor will ask her. If she answered right, the law they propsed would be enforced; otherwise, the people of the state would be given free rein with blonde jokes. So on the day of the conference, the mayor asks the blonde rep.:
-What's 1+1
-3
-Sorry that's not the answer!
The crowd chants:
"Another chance! Another chance!"
-Ok, what's 1+1
-1
-Another chance! Another chance!
-Ok, again, what's 1+1
-2
-Corr....
-Another chance! Another chance!

(No offence to any blondes)

A 7 year-old boy comes home from school, his mom ask him:
-How was your day, sweetie?
-Not bad! I found out that our teacher is very religious.
-How come!
-Everytime I answered one of her questions, she'd look up at the ceiling and say: "Lord have mercy!"

Lenya · 11-12-2004, 05:25 PM

Hey, I'm blond. And for your information I think she should have another chance...

Thain Peregrin Took I · 11-12-2004, 09:50 PM

I have a joke:
There was a family of a mom, a dad, a sister, and a baby brother. One time they went to stay at a hotel called 'Gable Gable'. They went up to the front desk and asked if there were any rooms left.
The hotel manager said "There's one, but it's haunted."
The dad said "We'll take it."
When they got to their room, the dad went in and saw some money on a table. He was about to reach for it when he heard
"I'm the ghost of Gable Gable. I say this money stays on the table."
He ran out screaming.
The mom said "You're weird."
She went in and saw the money on the table. She was about to reach for it when she heard
"I'm the ghost of Gable Gable. I say this money stays on the table."
She ran out screaming.
The sister said "You're a wimp."
She went in and saw the money on the table. She was about to reach for it when she heard
"I'm the ghost of Gable Gable. I say this money stays on the table."
She ran out screaming.
The baby brother said "You're nuts!"
He went in and saw the money on the table. He was about to reach for it when he heard
"I'm the ghost of Gable Gable. I say this money stays on the table."
And he said "Oh yeah?! Well I'm the ghost of Peter Piper, and I say this money stays in my dirty diper!"

Artanis · 11-14-2004, 09:31 AM

Inspired by Nurv's genie-joke:

A man was walking in Central Park when he saw another man on a bench. Next to him a tiny figure in coat and tails was playing Mozart on a miniature grand piano. On the bench was an oil lamp, genie style. He walked over to the man and asked if there was a genie in the bottle. Sure, try it if you want, but beware: this genie is seriously hard of hearing.

No matter, replied our hero, and rubbed the lamp vigorously [1].
With a whooosh the genie appeared and squinted in the sunlight. Your wish is my command.
The man leaned over and spoke directly into the ear of the genie, and the next instant the sun disappeared behind a cloud of fluttering bird wings.

"Bucks", cried the man, "I wanted a million bucks!"
"Well", said the guy on the bench, "do you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

[1] Clearly an ancient m... fantasy. You rub the "lamp", and magic things start to happen.

Bombadillo · 11-14-2004, 06:20 PM

A young, anxious zebra is confused about whether he is a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes. So he asks his mother, but she only says "You are what you are. Ask the sage." So he asks the village sage, but she only says "You are what you are. Ask the all-knowing bush on top of Holy Mountain." So he departs for his long, lonely journey to discover his identity. Once he finally reaches the mountain, scales it, and sees a burning bush, he's nearly starved. He asks the bush what it is, and why is it on fire, and a voice responds "I am who I am." Now he's aggrivated, and he yells angrily to no one in particular "Can no one give me a straight answer? Just tell me who am I!" The bush, hearing this, says "Calm down. I will tell you honestly now. You are who you are."
The zebra is overjoyed. He runs all the way home, finds his mom, and exclaims "Mom! I know who I am now! I asked a burning bush that the sage told me to find, and it said I am who I am. That means I must be a white zebra with black stripes!" "How do you figure that?" she asks him. "Well if I was a black zebra you all whould have told me 'You is what you is.'"

inked · 11-14-2004, 09:43 PM

Books for commercials on TV or while stopped at traffic signals!

>
> WW II FRENCH WAR HEROES
> by Jacques Chirac
>
>
> HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
> by Jane Fonda
>
>
> MY BEAUTY SECRETS
> by Janet Reno
>
>
> HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
> by John Denver
>
>
> MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
> by Dan Marino
>
>
> THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
> by Hillary Clinton
>
>
> MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
> by Osama Bin Laden
>
>
> THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
> by Bill Gates
>
>
> THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
> by Dennis Rodman
>
>
> MY WILD YEARS
> by Al Gore
>
>
> AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
>
>
> AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
>
>
> DETROIT: a Travel Guide
>
>
> A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
> by Dr. J. Kevorkian
>
>
> EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
>
>
> EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
>
>
> ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
> by Ellen de Generes
>
>
> GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
> by Mike Tyson
>
>
> SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
> by the EPA
>
>
> THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
>
>
> MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
> by O. J. Simpson
>
>
> THINGS I KNOW FOR SURE
> by John F. Kerry
>
>
> A GUIDE TO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
> by George W. Bush
>
>
> MY TENURE ON THE U. S. SUPREME COURT
> by Hillary Clinton
>
>
>
> And the world's Number One Thinnest Book
>
> Drum Roll please
>
> MY BOOK OF MORALS
> by Bill Clinton
> with introduction
> by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

Last Child of Ungoliant · 11-15-2004, 09:37 AM

how about

WORLD GEOGRAPHY AND POLITICAL SYSTEMS by George W Bush

SMOKING IS HARMFULL by Winston Churchill

HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE by Robert Kilroy Silk

Last Child of Ungoliant · 11-15-2004, 09:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Artanis

....."Well", said the guy on the bench, "do you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

**Nurvingiel** · 11-15-2004, 10:36 AM

I told a genie joke? I mean yay I'm funny.

Nice one Arty.

Quote:

Originally Posted by inked

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver

Didn't he die in a plane accident? Or was that Buddy Holly?

I've got one...

A COMPENDIUM OF MY THOUGHTFUL LYRICS
by Brittney Spears

You could read that one between the light changing from red to green!

Beren3000 · 11-15-2004, 12:15 PM

I've got some too:

THE MEANING BEHIND MY SHOW
by Oprah Winfrey

REASONS I LIKE WOMEN
by Ricky Martin

***Khamûl*** · 11-16-2004, 12:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nurvingiel

Didn't he die in a plane accident? Or was that Buddy Holly?

Both of them did. Buddy Holly died along with Richie Valens and the Big Bopper in a plane named American Pie (known as "the day the music died" and inspiration for the Don MacLean song). John Denver died in a private plane crash over the Pacific in 1997. Random information off the top of my head.

Lenya · 11-18-2004, 04:55 AM

The Thunder god went for a ride,
Upon his favourite fillly.
I'm THOR! he cried. The horse replied,
You forgot your thaddle, thilly.

Millane · 11-18-2004, 07:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lenya

The Thunder god went for a ride,
Upon his favourite fillly.
I'm THOR! he cried. The horse replied,
You forgot your thaddle, thilly.

bahahahaha thats great

**Nurvingiel** · 11-18-2004, 07:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Khamûl

Both of them did. Buddy Holly died along with Richie Valens and the Big Bopper in a plane named American Pie (known as "the day the music died" and inspiration for the Don MacLean song). John Denver died in a private plane crash over the Pacific in 1997. Random information off the top of my head.

Thanks Khamûl (though I thought you were JD there for a sec because of the av

)! Now Don McLean's song, which I love, makes a little more sense to me.

Your joke was totally awesome Lenya!

LOL

Melfena · 11-18-2004, 09:57 PM

Is this what the HR folks call a "hostile work environment?"

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the Human Relations rep during the orientation. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm quite satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued," You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"

Melfena · 11-18-2004, 09:59 PM

Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil!
This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Who Says Rednecks Aren't Real Bright?

11-12-2004, 02:29 PM	#561
Insidious Rex Quasi Evil Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Maryland, US Posts: 4,634	An undertaker comes up to the elderly widow after the funeral and asks, "How old was your husband?" "98. Two years older than me." "So you're 96." "Hardly worth going home, is it?" __________________ "People's political beliefs don't stem from the factual information they've acquired. Far more the facts people choose to believe are the product of their political beliefs." "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

11-12-2004, 02:33 PM	#562
Telcontar_Dunedain Warrior of the House of Hador Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 4,651	Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks! __________________ Then Huor spoke and said: "Yet if it stands but a little while, then out of your house shall come the hope of Elves and Men. This I say to you, lord, with the eyes of death: though we part here for ever, and I shall not look on your white walls again, from you and me a new star shall arise. Farewell!" The Silmarillion, Nirnaeth Arnoediad, Page 230

11-12-2004, 03:02 PM	#563
Insidious Rex Quasi Evil Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Maryland, US Posts: 4,634	prepare your groaning muscle... Once upon a time, a beautiful young antelope had a wild date in the forest, so she was getting all gussied up—new dress, makeup, everything. Suddenly, as she was just about ready, she was stampeded by a herd of wildebeests, becoming the world's first self-dressed, stamped antelope. __________________ "People's political beliefs don't stem from the factual information they've acquired. Far more the facts people choose to believe are the product of their political beliefs." "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

11-12-2004, 03:55 PM	#564
*Rían* Half-Elven Princess of Rabbit Trails and Harp-Wielding Administrator (beware the Rubber Chicken of Doom!) Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Not where I want to be ... Posts: 15,254	groan !! __________________ . I should be doing the laundry, but this is MUCH more fun! Ñá ë?* óú éä ïöü Öñ É Þ ð ß ® ç å ™ æ ♪ ?* "How lovely are Thy dwelling places, O Lord of hosts! ... For a day in Thy courts is better than a thousand outside." (from Psalm 84) * * * God rocks! Entmoot : Veni, vidi, velcro - I came, I saw, I got hooked! Ego numquam pronunciare mendacium, sed ego sum homo indomitus! Run the earth and watch the sky ... Auta i lómë! Aurë entuluva!

11-12-2004, 09:50 PM	#567
Thain Peregrin Took I Thain of Randomness Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Most likely being completely random... Posts: 971	I have a joke: There was a family of a mom, a dad, a sister, and a baby brother. One time they went to stay at a hotel called 'Gable Gable'. They went up to the front desk and asked if there were any rooms left. The hotel manager said "There's one, but it's haunted." The dad said "We'll take it." When they got to their room, the dad went in and saw some money on a table. He was about to reach for it when he heard "I'm the ghost of Gable Gable. I say this money stays on the table." He ran out screaming. The mom said "You're weird." She went in and saw the money on the table. She was about to reach for it when she heard "I'm the ghost of Gable Gable. I say this money stays on the table." She ran out screaming. The sister said "You're a wimp." She went in and saw the money on the table. She was about to reach for it when she heard "I'm the ghost of Gable Gable. I say this money stays on the table." She ran out screaming. The baby brother said "You're nuts!" He went in and saw the money on the table. He was about to reach for it when he heard "I'm the ghost of Gable Gable. I say this money stays on the table." And he said "Oh yeah?! Well I'm the ghost of Peter Piper, and I say this money stays in my dirty diper!" __________________ Here we were trying to take Rommel, when who do we kidnap but Admiral Todley himself. What? Hahahaha. That wasn't the plan you know. - Col. Crittendon Monk: I'm 100% sure that she probably killed him. Stottlemeyer: What does that mean? Monk: 95%... I feel like Pepé Le Pew when he look up "pew" in the dictionary. French accent Le pew? Moi? Noo. -Shawn Spencer British accent It's a bobble head Bobbie! head bob -Special Agen Seely Booth

11-12-2004, 05:02 PM	#565
Beren3000 Fëanorophobic Join Date: May 2004 Location: Between the pages of a book Posts: 1,417	A group of blonde girls were fed up with all the blonde-bashing jokes, so they filed a petition proposing a law against telling blonde jokes. The mayor of their state (in order to satsify everyone) proposed a solution: a press conference where all the blondes elect the smartest one among them to be their spokeswoman and answer one question that the mayor will ask her. If she answered right, the law they propsed would be enforced; otherwise, the people of the state would be given free rein with blonde jokes. So on the day of the conference, the mayor asks the blonde rep.: -What's 1+1 -3 -Sorry that's not the answer! The crowd chants: "Another chance! Another chance!" -Ok, what's 1+1 -1 -Another chance! Another chance! -Ok, again, what's 1+1 -2 -Corr.... -Another chance! Another chance! (No offence to any blondes) A 7 year-old boy comes home from school, his mom ask him: -How was your day, sweetie? -Not bad! I found out that our teacher is very religious. -How come! -Everytime I answered one of her questions, she'd look up at the ceiling and say: "Lord have mercy!"

11-12-2004, 05:25 PM	#566
Lenya Elentári Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: South Africa Posts: 727	Hey, I'm blond. And for your information I think she should have another chance...

11-14-2004, 09:31 AM	#568
Artanis Greatest Elven woman of Aman Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Having way too much fun with Fëanor's 7 Posts: 4,285	Inspired by Nurv's genie-joke: A man was walking in Central Park when he saw another man on a bench. Next to him a tiny figure in coat and tails was playing Mozart on a miniature grand piano. On the bench was an oil lamp, genie style. He walked over to the man and asked if there was a genie in the bottle. Sure, try it if you want, but beware: this genie is seriously hard of hearing. No matter, replied our hero, and rubbed the lamp vigorously [1]. With a whooosh the genie appeared and squinted in the sunlight. Your wish is my command. The man leaned over and spoke directly into the ear of the genie, and the next instant the sun disappeared behind a cloud of fluttering bird wings. "Bucks", cried the man, "I wanted a million bucks!" "Well", said the guy on the bench, "do you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?" [1] Clearly an ancient m... fantasy. You rub the "lamp", and magic things start to happen. __________________ --Life is hard, and then we die.

11-14-2004, 06:20 PM	#569
Bombadillo "The Bomb" Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: all over the place Posts: 1,601	A young, anxious zebra is confused about whether he is a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes. So he asks his mother, but she only says "You are what you are. Ask the sage." So he asks the village sage, but she only says "You are what you are. Ask the all-knowing bush on top of Holy Mountain." So he departs for his long, lonely journey to discover his identity. Once he finally reaches the mountain, scales it, and sees a burning bush, he's nearly starved. He asks the bush what it is, and why is it on fire, and a voice responds "I am who I am." Now he's aggrivated, and he yells angrily to no one in particular "Can no one give me a straight answer? Just tell me who am I!" The bush, hearing this, says "Calm down. I will tell you honestly now. You are who you are." The zebra is overjoyed. He runs all the way home, finds his mom, and exclaims "Mom! I know who I am now! I asked a burning bush that the sage told me to find, and it said I am who I am. That means I must be a white zebra with black stripes!" "How do you figure that?" she asks him. "Well if I was a black zebra you all whould have told me 'You is what you is.'" __________________ Could it be that one path to enlightenment leads through insanity?

11-14-2004, 09:43 PM	#570
inked Elf Lord Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: sikeston, MO, usa, earth, sol Posts: 3,114	Books for commercials on TV or while stopped at traffic signals! > > WW II FRENCH WAR HEROES > by Jacques Chirac > > > HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY > by Jane Fonda > > > MY BEAUTY SECRETS > by Janet Reno > > > HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE > by John Denver > > > MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS > by Dan Marino > > > THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL > by Hillary Clinton > > > MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE > by Osama Bin Laden > > > THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD > by Bill Gates > > > THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY > by Dennis Rodman > > > MY WILD YEARS > by Al Gore > > > AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC > > > AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS > > > DETROIT: a Travel Guide > > > A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES > by Dr. J. Kevorkian > > > EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN > > > EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN > > > ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE > by Ellen de Generes > > > GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE > by Mike Tyson > > > SPOTTED OWL RECIPES > by the EPA > > > THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY > > > MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS > by O. J. Simpson > > > THINGS I KNOW FOR SURE > by John F. Kerry > > > A GUIDE TO THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE > by George W. Bush > > > MY TENURE ON THE U. S. SUPREME COURT > by Hillary Clinton > > > > And the world's Number One Thinnest Book > > Drum Roll please > > MY BOOK OF MORALS > by Bill Clinton > with introduction > by The Rev. Jessie Jackson __________________ Inked "Aslan is not a tame lion." CSL/LWW "The new school [acts] as if it required...courage to say a blasphemy. There is only one thing that requires real courage to say, and that is a truism." GK Chesterton "And there is always the danger of allowing people to suppose that our modern times are so wholly unlike any other times that the fundamental facts about man's nature have wholly changed with changing circumstances." Dorothy L. Sayers, 1 Sept. 1941

11-15-2004, 09:37 AM	#571
Last Child of Ungoliant The Intermittent One Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: here and there Posts: 4,671	how about WORLD GEOGRAPHY AND POLITICAL SYSTEMS by George W Bush SMOKING IS HARMFULL by Winston Churchill HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE by Robert Kilroy Silk

11-15-2004, 12:15 PM	#574
Beren3000 Fëanorophobic Join Date: May 2004 Location: Between the pages of a book Posts: 1,417	I've got some too: THE MEANING BEHIND MY SHOW by Oprah Winfrey REASONS I LIKE WOMEN by Ricky Martin

11-18-2004, 04:55 AM	#576
Lenya Elentári Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: South Africa Posts: 727	The Thunder god went for a ride, Upon his favourite fillly. I'm THOR! he cried. The horse replied, You forgot your thaddle, thilly.

11-18-2004, 09:57 PM	#579
Melfena Elven Warrior Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: On the Outlaw Star Posts: 114	Is this what the HR folks call a "hostile work environment?" A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the Human Relations rep during the orientation. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm quite satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her? The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued," You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"

11-18-2004, 09:59 PM	#580
Melfena Elven Warrior Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: On the Outlaw Star Posts: 114	Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, buddy!" Who Says Rednecks Aren't Real Bright?

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