The Drunk Elf Pirates and the Quest for the Holy Wine

[Sicirus]

ic:
Sici: No I get to be the rook! *starts to cat fight (elf fight) with Roya who succsefully wins the rook part and leaves the bishop*

Roya: Yay!

sici:hmph! I still want to be the chess board.

[Willow Oran]

Willow: *looks doubtfully at the chessboard and the surrounding creatures* Erm... guys?

Earniel: What?

Willow: Did we ever find out what exactly the consequences will be if we lose?

Tano: I don't think so...

*there is a long pause*

Earniel: We're doomed aren't we?

[Sicirus]

ic:

Sici: *Gulp* ....... (drinks wine and goes back to forget troubles.)

Earn: *takes bottle away from sicirus* Thats not what we use wine for.

Dragon: Well if we lose I belive we promised that we would become their slaves in cat fish undersea world.

Willow:But we can't breath under water!!!!!

Dragon: Then you just might be food...

Ear: Then we need that book. *Gets crushed by the book agian*

sici: Sorry.

[Sanity's Demise]

Roya: *sweat drops* Oh boy... Cat food....Who can play chess really well here? I have no intention of being food! *stuffs a dagger up her sleeve discreetly*

Willow: None of us do!

Ear: shmph humph! *which tranlates to "get me the heck out from under here!"*

Roya: Oh, let me get that. *lifts off book and retrieves her slightly squashed comrade*

[Earniel]

Eärniel: *slightly miffed* Thank you. I want that book fastened to the deck so it doesn't fall on me each time I try to read in it. Squashy Eärniel is not what I had in mind to be now that I'm in command.

Roya: Aye, mate.

*The book gets fastened*

Eärniel: Now, let's see: Tano will be a knight, Katt wants to be a bisshop. But Katt, no little boys, 'kay? Roya gets to be the rook. Sicirus, you can't be the chessboard but go ask Luthien if she makes you a checkered shirt. *to herself* That should make her happy. Then you can take the second bisshop. Willow, you can be the queen. But we'll never have enough crew to form an entire set of pieces.

Dragon: Oh, that's not a problem. The remaining pieces will be taken by dragons.

Eärniel: Alright, that's solves one problem. Um.. not that I have any doubt in our *cough* ability to play this chess game, but purely asked out of interest... are catfish considered to be good masters to their slaves?

Dragon: *scratches head* Well... I've heard they're famed for brutal conquests, gratuit torture of innocents and just downright immoral behaviour. But I can't say I heard much of how they treat their slaves...

Eärniel: *stares* Forget I asked.

[Sicirus]

sici: YAy I'm the bisshop!!!! *runs away singing santa clause is coming to town* I'll go find Luthien so I cna have a new shirt thingy."

Ear: *forces a smile* great. (hopes to herself that Luthien can get away as fats as she can)

Crew agrees to their parts and files towards the bow of the boat as though heading for the gallows(sp)

Dragon: Ok crew we should have a team name. Our lucky number usually is 666 but you can decide since our cultures are quite different."

Crew: *all looo at dragon as though he were nuts. In so surprised that he could surpass(sp) them.

Sici: wonders back* Wow look at the big chess board thingy. Hey it matches my new shirt!

Dragon : We each have to have only a certian amount of time to make our move before we automaticly(sp) get skipped.

ear: Wait thats not how it...

Dragon: ...then we need to drink a glass of hot water each time we make a move and if you get the queen in check then you have to spit the water at her so she can move.

ear: wait I thought the king...

dragon: then if you drink cold water then you have to dance a special dance before allowing your team to make another move.

[Sanity's Demise]

*roya eyes the rules and decides to add a few of her own. She sneakily gets a quill and ink and sets to work.*

Roya: *admires handiwork* These oughta prove useful in the imminent possibility we loose.

Willow: *comes over and eyes the work* I see. Well, lets see if we can get away with it.

Roya:*wink* aye, we will.

[Garina]

Meanwhile, on a rock in the middle of nowhere, a onetime ship's cook and apprentice bard wakes up.

Garina: Ooohh. Urrrr.

Looking around her, she is somewhat put out at the fact that she is no longer in the Captain's cabin.

Garina: Maybe drinking the Magic Pixie Drink and Dwaaaaaaarvish Ale in a cocktail was not the wisest move. *thinks very hard* Ok, the Captain was telling us about a sword or something, and then we had a small party.*

Looking around her she spies a barrel, and, with nothing better to do, grabs hold of it and begins to float.


*As all crew members know, a 'small party' is actually an occasion where we all get paralytic.

ooc: Will edit. Will delete. Will give crew remaining supplies. *does puppy eyes*

[Earniel]

Eärniel: Somebody please get me a squirtgun, there is no way I'll spit. *to dragon* You can do the special dance. *to crew* Allright people! Let's get started, the sooner we lose this thing, the sooner we can continue with our lives as happy slaves to the catfishpeople.

Willow: Wasn't it the other way around, so that the sooner we win, the sooner we can continue with our lives as happy free pirates?

Eärniel: *thinks* Now that you mention it, it is. Anyway, let's prepare ourselves. Take whatever you think you'll need on chessboard: flamethrowers, secret weapons, catfish-repellent or plotholes. Given the insanity of the rules, I'm sure we'll find some justification for it.

*The crew that will be playing as life pieces run to get their equipment and assemble again ondeck.*

Eärniel: As your current commanding officer I should probably have an encouraging and moving speech to motivate you. So let me just say this: if we lose none of you will ever taste alcohol again. And you can all go and explain the reason for that to Captain Eruviel. In person. And in her cabin where all those dangerous pointy things hang. Personally, I don't know anything else that is more scar- er- motivating than that.

*The crew swallow deep at this horrifing prospect. A dragon brings them to the giant chessboard where they take their places next to the dragon and catfish live chesspieces. Eärniel, squirtgun in hand, stays on board next to the rule book where she will give instructions together with the best chessplayer of the dragons. The crewmembers that don't go to the chessboard settle down with drinks and snacks for the most insane chessmatch of the aera. A chosen catfish and dragon umpire that will judge the match step foreward.*

Umpires: Let the chessgame begin!

[Sicirus]

The chess board immediatly started to change colores according to what square each piece was on. The Queens square was blue in so saying she could have a variety of moves. The bisshops square was red for they can only go diagonoly(sp) the knights square is purple for they can only go two down and one over. And the kings square is Black, and the opposite teams kings square is white. The pawns squares are green for they can only move one squre forward. And the Rook has the yellow square for they only go sideways and forward and backwards both ways. (hope this helps for those who don't know how to play the game.

Sici: *Trembles in her spot* I need a hug.

Katt:*smiles* I know I want to hug a little boy too.

Sici: *looks disgusted* I prefer my Llama that I locked onboard before we left the port. I wonder if I gave him enough wine before we left??? *ponders this while the dragons stare at her looking confused.*

Tano: Shut-up you too, their making the first move.

sici: But why do they get the first move?

Tano: Because their white.

Dragon: No because they can swim faster actually.

Tano: Riiiiighhhttt. its because they are the white pieces!

The catfish looked around at the board scanning its every detail before moving the middle pawn forward two spaces then it engaged in spitting hot water at the pawn across the way who stuck her tongue out and moved two spoaces forward alomost joining the catfish in the middle.

sisi and Willow and Roya and Katt: *looks confused but wait.*

dragon: "when the first moved piece spits water at the piece it wants to move next that piece has to go or else they get another go."

[Earniel]

Eärniel: Oookay, I take it it's our turn now, isn't it, Dragon? Dragon?

*Eärniel looked sideways to where the seadragon sat. The dragon was gurgling with a glass of water and making odd, jerking movements that reminded her oddly of the lambada.*

Eärniel: *panicky* Now is not the time to provide entertainment! Help me play this game!

Dragon: I was merely observing the rules, you know the glass of water, the little dance?

Eärniel:*burries her head in her arms* This is going to be harder and even more confusing than I thought.....

Dragon: Don't forget the time-limit. You'll have to make a move...

Eärniel: *moans but straightens up again* Very well. *waves with squirt gun and yells* You, Katt! Move forward and pretend that large catfish in front of you is a little boy!

Katt: *happily* Oh goodie!

Dragon: *shudders* That's going to scar him for life.

Eärniel: Serves the catfish right. No one ever said we had to play nice.

OOC: best not to invent too many rules, let's wreck this game.

[Sicirus]

ooc: That was a great line.

sici: Yay, so how long do these games usually last???

Dragon: About two days at most.

ear: But we can't stay for two days!

sici: *observes next move.*

The catfish moves forword with bisshop and takes the spot across from the rook. Then it proceeds to dancing and spitting water at the other bisshop who was busy doing strange things to the catfish friend.

[Sanity's Demise]

OOC: Which rook? Me? Goodie. Is it infront of me or diagonal to me? Oh well, I guess I get to kill it then....

*Roya eyes the big catfish across from her and is squirted in the face by the jets of water being spat at her.*

Roya: *wipes away spit* Oh! Yer gonna pay fer tha' mate! Earniel! Methinks this thing 'as a mind ta take me! Lemme move!

*Doesn't finish cause she is distracted my the catfish doing the salmon dance, you know, the one where people clamp their hands to their sides with legs together and jump up and down wiggeling.*

Earniel: *eyes odd catfish behavior* Uh huh. Right.....*checks to make sure this isnt a trick to leave her other crew-pieces in harms way* All's clear! Go on Roya! Do what you do best!

Roya: Aha! *drinks and spits in the catfish's eye* Take this!

*Roya launches at him and one huge scuffle ensues. Oddly, it looks as if Roya is about to lose*

Earniel: What the hell!? We made the move! The fish should be taken!

Dragon: Oh, yes....It also kinda sorta depends on the individual capabilities of the crew to take down the fish, its not a really fair game...

Willow: *wince* Uh, Earniel, things aren't looking to good....

*Indeed they weren't*

Earniel: *disparingly* Aye, I noticed! *shouting to Roya* Hold fast mate! You aren't going to take this from a fish are you?

Roya: *being pounded with the fish's tail* Naw...i wont...but this guy's...built like a whale....not a catfish...!

Earniel: No excuses! *thinks up how to get Roya going* Didn't you hear this guy before the game? He called you a worthless landlubber who can't hold her rum and didn't know bow from stern! If that's true you might as well give in!

Roya: *gets the life back in her* WHAT!? Now tha' was going to far! HAVE AT THEE KNAVE!! *one final swing and the fish falls dead* Any one up fer sushi?

Earniel: I thought that would do it!

Katt: Aw, one less little boy...sad...

Earniel: Alright crew! Use your wits to take down the catfish when the move presents itself! You can't just jump on the square to take these fellows out! You could also maybe get yourself out of danger if you are about to be taken! Beware!

[Elfmaster XK]

....meanwhile, back on the Nal E XK, who had long been sulking about being confined was talking to EG, who had long been in a mood about something...so long in fact that she had forgotten what it was.

XK - [smiles, taking a sip of her drink] You know, Captain, I'm glad we left Eärniel to deal with that dragon thing.

EG - You are?

XK - Yes. I think it'll be a team building experience for the crew.

EG - [raises eyebrow]You've been reading that management for idiots guide again, haven't you?

XK - No. But you know, Eärniel is such a good second mate. Knows exactly what she's doing. But one thing has occured to me.

EG - What's that?

XK - Eärniel's a sea elf is she not? So why doesn't she just take advantage of the knowledge she has? Surely she knows the catfishes' weakness? [shakes head and continues to drink]

....Eärniel looked confusedly over the board again at the peculiar way one of the fish is moving across the board. Apparently she doesn't know...

[Willow Oran]

Meanwhile it is becoming apparent to the crew memebers that despite their blatent attacks on the catfish they are still losing, and some are beginning to think that if the game is not ended soon and in their favor then the Nal will find itself lacking a crew. It was due to these observations that Willow made the decision to sneak off the board while everyone was distracted by Roya's violent move and go to find the Cap'n and her first mate, in hopes that their return would end the game.

[Earniel]

*As yet another battered crewmember is carried of the battlefi- er chessboard, Eärniel quickly leafs through the rule-book.*

Eärniel: We're losing! This looks bad, really bad... Oh come on! There must be something I can use! Ah wait! *reads on certain page* ....Okay...uh-uh...yeah... might work....

*Eärniel pours herself a generous drink from her personal chocolate jenever bottle, and empties it in one go. She then graps one of her favorite battle weapons: a large, blackened mithril frying-pan with sharkskin handle which she puts in her belt.*

Eärniel: *to the dragon* Now carry me to the chessboard, please.

Dragon: I'm curious, what do you intend?

Eärniel: To ask for a time-out. The crew can use a break from being battered by giant fish.

Dragon: A wise choice. *carries Eärniel to the chessboard*

*Eärniel climbs on the chessboard, she utters a sea-elven battle-cry, and whacks three unsuspecting catfish into oblivion with the frying-pan. Then she puts her hands to her mouth and cries "TIME-OUT!" The catfish and dragons all nod and start to leave the chess board for a break. The dishelved crew of the Nal crawl relieved to the side of the board where the dragon picks them up and brings them back to their ship where cups of alcohol spiked with athelas are already prepared for them.*

Tano: *looks on as the three ambushed catfish are carried off board* I never knew you could do time-outs like that....

Eärniel: *blushes* Well, I had to interpret the rules from the book a little...

Katt: Then what was in the book exactly?

Eärniel: *cites from the rules* "... To call for a time-out, one must approach the opponent's queen and the two bishops and offer these players a rare bar of sea-weed candy and explain the motivations for the time-out while the opposite party will consider and decide whether to accept the time-out or no."

Roya: And you interpreted that as reducing three catfish to scrap with a frying-pan and then shout for time-out.

Eärniel: Well.... yeah.

Roya: *grins and slaps Eärniel on the back* I like the way you think.

Eärniel: *sighs* It's not going to help us much, though. We can only aske a time-out once. And we still have to play after the break. I wish we knew what their weak point was....

[Sanity's Demise]

Roya: *drinks and is bandages her head* well, think. They're fish. What're fish weak 'gainst?

Sici: fish hooks?

Tano: well...i dont think that is it.

Katt: scaling knives?

Earniel: that wont do unless you know how to use them...

Roya: I got one up me sleeve and it doesnt seem to working all that much.... *she notices Willow isnt there*

Roya: *whispers to Earniel* where's willow?

Earniel: *looks around* dunno. Maybe she went to get the cap'n's help.

Roya: *nods* we can only hope...

*the break continued as they all tried to figure out what really was the Catfish's weakness, and willow was making her way to the captian's quarters to try to get help.*

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

Katt: Just a suggestion, but we could try using this thing metaphorically.

Roya: Que?

Katt: Well, opponents of cats would be dogs, so opponents of catfish would be dogfish.

Tano: And how do we use this to our advantage.

Katt: Well, let's see. *Pulls out book and reads* The spiny dogfish is a small schooling shark that forms groups of hundreds or thousands of individuals of the same sex and size. Think we can recruit any a those for our "game"?

[Sanity's Demise]

Roya: Hell! I think she's got it! Earniel! Ask a spare dragon t' go out an' recruit a batch a dogfish! An hurry, I dunt think the crew can take much more o this!

Earniel: But the rule book stated no such opportunities to refresh our troops.

Roya: Well, then you avent been lookin in the right places mate!

*shows her the page where the editing had taken place, thanks to a bit o pinched faery magic, the fake rules blended in and since this was the only rule book they had for the game, it was all their's*

Roya: See, "In which case the challenged party has taken substantial losses it is possible for them to recharge their regimes with new troops should the challengers agree after the challenged present seaweed crowns and do the chacha."

Earniel: How come I think that wasnt there originally?

Roya: *wink* Well, seein' as I've got a bit of pride left, I ain't gon ta do no chacha or present no damn crowns. I opt for the fryin pan route. Methinks I 'ave enough left to go and "crown", if you will, some catfishes.

Earniel: *who has sent the dragon off* Well, alright, but I see that if you make that move you will be taken.

*the break was coming to an end and the few people left were grimly heading back to the board*

Roya: Thats alright. So long as ya keep the game afloat till the dogfishes come.

Earniel: *getting up* and if I dont? and we lose?

Roya: *smiles and pats her back* Then whatever is left of me will chase you down and rip ya ta pieces only after i destroyed yer chocolate and liquor right in front a ya, adding in a bit o physics here and there. *gets up, stretches and goes back to her square with the frying pan* g'luck mate!

[Earniel]

*Eärniel remains standing on deck next to the giant rule book as the rest of the crew reluctantly goes back to the chess board. She shivers*

Eärniel: Brrr.. That's an even worse fate than telling the capt'n that we've all become slaves because I lost a chess game....

Dragon: really?

Eärniel: You have no idea. Incidentally, you will owe us big, BIG after this game.

Dragon: You won't ask us to become slaves to you, don't you?

Eärniel: If any of the crew gets even more battered than they already are, I might consider it.

*The umpires announce the end of the break.*

Eärniel: *whispers to dragon* Did ya slip that laxative I gave you into the refreshments of the catfish-players ?

Dragon:*doubtfull* Yes, but are you sure that was according to the rules?

Eärniel: *waves vaguely in the direction of the book* It's in there somewhere. If you know how to interpret it correctly, that is.

Dragon: And do you know how?

Eärniel *grins as she sees Roya teaching a catfish how hard and painfull the surface of a frying-pan can be when it's swung at high velocity at your face* I think I can say I'm becoming quite the expert in interpretting the rules....