Lyrd Of The Ryngs - The Homies

[Grey_Wolf]

Faramir and his men closed in on the Sandcrawlers and shot off the tracks with their Carl Gustaf desposable missile launchers.

Sam had never seen such a monster vehicle before which dwarfed the tiny clown cars. It came to a complete stop as the tracks fell offf.

Faramir and his men blew open the doors and threw some in stun grenades.¨
*Thump, thump, thump* came the explosions from inside the gargantuan vehicle and the Easterlings came tottering out of the exits and was rounded up by the Gondorians.

[Grey_Wolf]

Afterwards, Faramir and Co came back to where Sam & Frodo was waiting.

"Now, you will come with us to our secret Ithilian Mountain Retreat where we can continue our conversation in peace and quiet. But you'll have to be blind-folded because we don't want the secret route to our hide-out blown."

With that he brought forth two scarves which he bound around the faces of hobbits and then they were off with Faramir in the lead.

[Grey_Wolf]

They appeared to be ascending a steep hill and then they entered a short narrow tunnel. When they stopped the men who were leading the hobbits whirled them around several times to disconcert them. Then the scarves were removed.

They were standing in a rocky ante-room. To their left there fell a small water-fall from high upon. In front of them there was opening to cave-room.

In this room several Gondorian Troopers were sitting in front of flat computor radarscreens and comunications equipment.

Further into the room, to the left a state-of-the-art high tech kitchen was located, men were sitting there having their dinner at an oval table. To the right a score or so of bunkbeds could be seen.

[Grey_Wolf]

"Here's our hide-out, the only such left in Ithilien. We use it to harbour troopers to raid the Enemy and keep tabs on his operations." said Faramir."Welcome. You may enter."

Faramir and the hobbits walked into the cave-room and seated themselves around the dinner-table.

"Now we shall continue the conversation we had to interrupt on the hill." said Faramir, going over to the fridge and taking out a couple of Budweisers and handing them to the hobbits."Now tell what are you doing wandering around in Ithilien?"

[Grey_Wolf]

"It all, sort of, began with the nine of us setting out from Rivendell. It was me, Sam here, two other hobbits, Gandalf, the elf Legolas, the dwarf Gimli, the ranger Aragorn and Boromir of Minas Tirith." said Frodo, sipping his beer.

"Boromir...Boromir was in your company?" Faramir said amazed."He was my brother and a couple of weeks ago when I was standing watch by the River I saw a small speedboot float down it. It turned towards and in it lay a warrior laid in funeral. It was Boromir. Around his waist was a leather belt with a golden leaf belt-buckle. He looked peaceful. I cried to him: "Boromir, where art thou going! Boromir!" and then the speedboat slowly slid back into the stream and disappeared down towards the sea."

[Grey_Wolf]

"That belt-buckle he got from the Lady of Lorien." said Frodo."But I'm getting ahead of myself. After we had tried to pass the mountains we went to the hollin gate of Moria and passed through that dark edifice of the Dwarven Subway Architecture. At the end, just as we were about to exit, Gandalf, being the only who could stop the Balrog, had stay behind and was lost."

"Gandalf lost?" said Faramir."Your tale is all woe."

"After that Aragorn led us to Lorien, where we stayed for a while with Galadhrim. The speedboat that you saw was one of three that they gave us to travel in down the River."

"So it was of Elven make. It was slim and beautiful." commented Faramir.

"Much later in the journey we came to the hills of Seeing and Hearing where Aragorn deemed that a major decision would have to made - of going to Minas Tirith or going directly to Mordor."

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

'But how come you to be seperated from the others of your company?' asked Faramir, 'Your tale seems so full of woe and hardship!' he went on, before adjusting his earpiece to listen to one of his men

[Grey_Wolf]

"The mission on which we were sent was a point of argument althrough the journey and it came to point when we reach the Hills."

"Boromir was sent to Rivendell to unravel the mysterious words that came to me in my dream. Was the contention to do with Isildur's bane whatever that is?" Faramir asked

"Yes, it was." said Frodo, simply.

"Do you know what this is and know where it is. It must be a heirloom of great power, and such things are better left alone. Be it that I found it by the wayside I would not pick it up." said Faramir.

At this Frodo did not answer and looked to be deep in thought at this moment so Sam continued the story.

"During the journey on the River I got confirmed something about Boromir that I only suspected before. What he wanted - what he really desired - he wanted the Package!"

[Grey_Wolf]

"Sam!" Frodo cried waking up from his daydreaming too late.

"Dear god! Well, Mr Faramir. Just because Mr Frodo's servant is a blabber mouth and easily swayed into telling a story. Now's your chance to show your worth." said Sam

[Butterbeer]

...and besides muttered sam back at frodo: who mentioned we were going into Mordor? that's a teeny bit of a secret too - you dolt!

frodo slapped a hand to his mouth with wide open eyes

Suddenly Faramir, thinking he was on a winning streak, barked a question at the two hapless hobbits "Who shot JFK?"

The two hobbits stared back blankly ....

[EarthBound]

"Fine, then who shot JR?" Getting no response from either hobbit Faramir decided these hobbits were the 'right sort. Suddenly, Faramir grabbed each hobbit by the hand and swore to help them any way he could.

[Grey_Wolf]

After having had dinner in front the 42 inch plasma tv watching reruns of I love Lucy Faramir escorted the hobbits to the rear of the cave-room which housed a pair of luxorious guest bed-bunks with quilted down matresses.

As he lay Sam said to Faramir.
"Well, Sir, you showed your worth. And you have an air which reminds me of...kings and wizards if you take my meaning."

"Perhaps you from afar sense the ancient air of Numenor." said Faramir, bedding him down."Good night!"

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V
Book 4.5-6: The Window On the West and The Forbidden Pool

[EarthBound]

In the middle of the night, Frodo was awoke by Faramir. Quietly, they stole from the back of the cave towards the plexi-glass window overlooking a ledge.

Faramir looked at Frodo and pointed out the window to something below. Frodo stepped to the glass and looked down. In the light of the moon he spied Gollum, frolicking in an overly large Jacuzzi. He was splashing and spilling beer, creating flotsam and jetsam with his foul eating hobbits.

“It is forbidden to enter The Great Jacuzzi, and all who do so are to be dealt death.” Turning back to the window, Faramir suddenly frowned even deeper. “Ugh! Look! The water is turning green!”

Frodo looked at the cloud of green surrounding Gollum. “Oh, must be his slimy skin shedding.”

“No, if only it were.” Stated Faramir. “I’m afraid it means your guide has peed in our hot-tub. Like I needed another reason to kill this dude.”

“Please, sir, he might be gross, foul, stinky, treacherous, disagreeable, filthy, smelly, yucky, ugly, scary, unpleasant, coarse, crude, vulgar, offensive, bad, ghastly, dreadful, awful, appalling, horrible, atrocious, nasty, hideous, naughty, gruesome, dreadful, grisly, horrific, rank, unclean, fetid, putrid, rotten, rancid, soiled, terrible, repulsive, and all together retching…..but he’s our guide, so can you please spare him?”

“You make a good case; of course I’ll spare him, though I warrant we’ll both regret it later.”

[Grey_Wolf]

Frodo snuck through a doorway by the plexi-glass window and down a narrow stair which ended at the Great Jacuzzi. He knew he was surrounded by Gondorians in camouflaged combat gear their sniper rifles covering him all the way.
When he neared the end of the stair he could hear Gollum talk to himself.

"Nisssse bath thisss isss. Nasssty hobbitsssess go away and leave me alone. Well, good riddenssse. I'm doing well without them."

[Butterbeer]

something had been bothering frodo since before he'd laid his sleepy head down on the soft mattress ...

"wasn't it Sue-Ellen? " he mumbled to himself


as he came closer to the sight of the green meets even greener golluim au-naturelle in the jacuzzi frodo paused to think that indeed Gollum was gross, foul, stinky, treacherous, disagreeable, filthy, smelly, yucky, ugly, scary, unpleasant, coarse, crude, vulgar, offensive, bad, ghastly, dreadful, awful, appalling, horrible, atrocious, nasty, hideous, naughty, gruesome, dreadful, grisly, horrific, rank, unclean, fetid, putrid, rotten, rancid, soiled, terrible,

and of course not forgetting repulsive!

"Ahem Gollum" he called ....

[Grey_Wolf]

"Nisssee bath, nisssse water. Having it all to mysssself. Goody!" Gollum continued mumbling not noticing that Frodo stood nearby, covered by Gondorian sniper rifles.

[Grey_Wolf]

"Gollum, come back, you're in grave danger. I will protect you but you must come with me." said Frodo, trying to coax Gollum out of the Great, now somewhat fouled, Jacuzzi.

"Yesss, I will come under condition that you'll not trick me." said Gollum. But the second he said that three Gondorian troopers rushed forward and grabbed him. Then they bound him cruelly.

Frodo followed them up to the Retreat the Gondorians holding onto the now rabidly spastic Gollum.

Finally they reach the secret cave-room where Gollum was deposited on the floor.

[Grey_Wolf]

"Cruel Men, tricksssy Masster, almossst knew that I couldn't trussst you, I did." cried Gollum, miserably.

"Calm down now, Gollum." said Frodo."They won't do anything to you if stay put."

[Grey_Wolf]

"Now." said Faramir."You have a lot to answer for. Fouling the Great Jacuzzi not being the least of your crimes. But Frodo here has spoken in your favour. And even though I don't trust his judgement in this particular case you are lucky to have such a good-hearted and just master."

[Grey_Wolf]

"Wise you are, tall stranger, very wise." said Gollum.
"Not very wise," said Faramir. "But just: yes perhaps, as just as our little wisdom allows. Unloose him Frodo! ' Faramir took a small Swiss army knife from his belt and handed it to Frodo. Gollum misunderstanding the gesture, squealed and fell down.
"Now, Sméagol! ' said Frodo. "You must trust me. I will not desert you. Answer truthfully, if you can. It will do you good not harm." He cut the cords on Gollum's wrists and ankles and raised him to his feet.
"Come hither! ' said Faramir. "Look at me! Do you know the name of this place? Have you been here before? '
Slowly Gollum raised his eyes and looked unwillingly into Faramir's. All light went out of them, and they stared bleak and pale for a moment into the clear unwavering eyes of the man of Gondor. There was a still silence. Then Gollum dropped his head and shrank down, until he was squatting on the floor, shivering. "We doesn't know and we doesn't want to know," he whimpered. "Never came here; never come again."
"There are locked doors and closed windows in your mind, and dark rooms behind them," said Faramir. "But in this I judge that you speak the truth. It is well for you. What oath will you swear never to return; and never to lead any living creature hither by word or sign?"
"Master knows," said Gollum with a sidelong glance at Frodo. "Yes, he knows. We will promise Master, if he saves us. We'll promise to It, yes." He crawled to Frodo's feet. "Save us, nice Master! ' he whined. "Sméagol promises to Package, promises faithfully. Never come again, never speak, no never! No, precious, no!"
"Are you satisfied? ' said Faramir.
"Yes," said Frodo. "At least, you must either accept this promise or carry out your law. You will get no more. But I promised that if he came to me, he should not be harmed. And I would not be proved faithless."