Lyrd Of The Ryngs - The Homies

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

They had reached the scrapheaps of Sauron, with industrial refuge and toxic waste piled high before the black gates of the Morannon, they knew they were closing in on the Black Land from this, without the trumpet calls from armies of evil men marching down in the valleys, marching to swell the forces of their Lord, Cruel Men out of the East, bearded like half dwarves, Variags of Kahnd, with dreadlocks, smoking Joints, troops of Dark Skinned Warriors from Near Harad, archers and riflemen, and from the Far Harad, men with very dark skins and red eyes, all marching to the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie.

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

And further out in the landscape, where the desert of dagorlad met the trees of ithilien, could be seen tanks, hundreds of war tanks crawling over the landscape, deadly and ferocious looking metal machines.

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

(posts not showing )

[Grey_Wolf]

As they now stood behind a pile of refuse, looking at the barbwire topped monstrous iron gates of Mordor more troops from the east arrived.

Thousands of Easterlings, marching, driving black APC'S, Infantry Fighting Vehicles, stolen Hummers, ATV quads.
They just kept flowing into Mordor through the open Gates.

Finally, the Army was inside and the Gates closed with a momentous sound.

[Grey_Wolf]

"Well." Frodo says."There's only two ways about it. Either I go and knock on the Big Door and gets captured or I turn back."

"No, massa, go not to Him and let Him have the Package." pleads Gollum."This wouldn't work I told you. Another way there is."

"Another way?" said Sam grumpily."Why didn't you tell us of this before. Would have saved us a lot of walking."

"Massa said to bring him to the Gates." said Gollum."That I have done."

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

"He's right, and I never asked him whether or not there was another way. Tell me Smeagol, where is the other path?" asked Frodo.
"Hidden it is, where no body goes. At the entrance to Minas Ithil, which now is call Minas Morgul, the entance lies," replied Smeagol.

[EarthBound]

The conversation quieted as Horns "beeped" and "tooted" from the Enemy's ally convoy heading towards the ominous black gate. Slowly the gates were drawn back, letting the metal-caravan pass through. After a lengthy time the last of the enemy entered through the gates . . . the last of these a small white VW bug by the name of Herbie...who "beep beeped" his way into the land of darkness and lousy service stations . . .

*Sam holds up his wrist communicator, "Davud Hasselhoff…errr, I mean Michael…we need you and K.I.T.T.” Pounds on communicator. “I repeat, Michael & K.I.T.T. we need you!”


Frodo turns to Sméagol, “You know, maybe this should be just a ‘two-person’ adventure…Sam may be an idiot…jury still out, I’m afraid.”

“Yesss, wise master is. Trust Sméagol, not hobbit of great girth and cooking so foul.”

“Errr, Sam cooked a bird? He never told me! Sam cooks a great duck with orange sauce, was that what he had without me!"

"Uhm, yess, that's itsss...sure" Sméagol slumps off muttering to himself about being the brains of the operation…

[Grey_Wolf]

Book 4.4: Of Herbs And Stewed Rabbit.

For several hours they walked back until they emerged into a more pleasant country that which was called Ithilien, the former breadbasket of Gondor.

"I'm pretty tired of the MRE's so I'm gonna you give an errand, Gollum." said Sam, while he lit up the mini gas stove."Go a fetch us a couple of coneys, will ye?"

"If nice you are to poor Gollum, Gollum will go find coneys for massa." he said.

"OK. Would you please go and find a couple of coneys for us." Sam said, pleasantly.

"More like it that is." said Gollum, smiling.

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

Smeagol soon returned with a nice young brace of coney, three bumble bees and a worm. Sam took coneys but threw away the insects which Smeagol chased down the hill, before returning with something wriggling in his mouth. Sam looked at his disgutedly.
"Argh. Smeagol, please go one and wash these pans for masters tea," Sam asked sweetly, at which Smeagol obliged.
While Smeagol was washing the pans, Sam collected a few dry dead branches and made a small fire. Smeagol returned soon after in shock.
"Putsss it out you must. Scared we are of the red tounges," shrieked Smeagol.
"Fear is not good, fear leads to doubt, doubt leads to hate, hate leads to anger, this is the way of the dark side!" said Sam grinning.
"Oh shut up. What are you doing to those coneys anyway?" inquired Smeagol.
"Cookin' them. The only way to eat a nice young brace of coneys," said Sam.
"What? Raw you should eat them," said Gollum in shock.
"No. Anyway, we haven't got all the right ingredients, I'll just have to make Master a coney stew. But if we were back 'ome in the ol' Shire I'd make him Fish, chip and taters by S. Gamgee. Now you couldn't say no to that, could ya?" said Sam.
"Yes we could. Buring nice fish. Your chips you keep, but what is taters?" said Smeagol.
"Po-ta-toes. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew," said Sam slowly.
"Ta-toes-po?" asked Smeagol in his usual backward style, at which Sam shook his head.

[Grey_Wolf]

After they had eaten Sam went off to rinse his plates & cooking utensils. When he looked back he saw a thin stream of smoke high-lighted by the sun.

He rushed back and immediately saw the cause, the Calor gas stove had somehow caused a small fire nearby which was smoking. Sam rushed over and stamped it out.

Immediately afterwards he heard what he thought was a bird but sounded more like a rendition of birdsong. Then he heard voices whispering and stealthy boot-treads coming their way.

[Grey_Wolf]

"I saw the smoke come from over there." one voice whispered.

"I see. Let's go and see what it is." another voice said, an authoritative one.

"And what it can tell us." said the other.

Out of the bushes came four men dressed in camouflaged combat fatigues carrying Stoner Sniper/grenadelauncher rifles, M-16 combat rifles and Carl Gustaf desposable missile launchers.

They stopped in front of the Hobbits, amazed at what the saw.

"We have not found what we thought. What could they be, small elves, perhaps." The hobbits recognized this as the first voice.

"No, not elves. They are wonderously fair to look upon. These two are something else." said the other, tall, dark-haired man.

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

"Meaning we're not," said Sam insulted, as Frodo pulled out a small mirror.

[Grey_Wolf]

The tall darkhaired man laughed grimly. "I am Faramir, Captain of Gondor," he said. "But there are no travellers in this land: only the servants of the Dark Skyscraper, or of the White."
"But we are neither," said Frodo. "And travellers we are, whatever Captain Faramir may say."
"Then make haste to declare yourselves and your errand," said Faramir. "We have a work to do, and this is no time or place for riddling or parleying. Come! Where is the third of your company? '
"The third? '

[Butterbeer]

Sam looked over at frodo looking for a lead...

Frodo however was still looking in the Mirror and running his hands through his hair

" well a little rough looking maybe ..." he muttered - smiling whimsically to himself.

Frodo ruffled his curly locks making them spring alive, oblivious for the momment of all else.

[Grey_Wolf]

"That skulking green pointy-eared fellow." said Faramir."Is he with you or not? And what is your purpose travelling in these dangerous lands."

"Oh, you mean him. He's just a temporary travelling companion who's our guide for the moment." said Frodo, having finished his look over.

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

"and he uses the force, tis the only reason we are with him!" sam went on

[EarthBound]

Faramir, tall, handsome in face and style stood still and inspected Frodo with his keen observance.

Travelers meriting good faith or no, you will come with us unitl it can be decided with less haste. Upon that decision he did a cute head toss and which let Frodo admire Faramir's own lusterous locks.

"Say, Captain." Began Frodo. "Your men are so quite and professional, obviously you are a great leader...what's the secret?"

"We have but a breath to speak right now, but we can risk life and limb to discuss this....you see.....I have this company..."

"Yea, we can see them with their bows, we're not blind," mouthed Sam.

"No no no, I mean I have this company called "Hair Club for Men", and the secret is not only am I the owner of this reputable business....I'm a member! My merry green-clad men are all loyal members. I mean you can't even tell can you! I can swim, run, shoot the bow, (Faramir holds up both his hands and does the quotations sign) with complete "CONDFIDENCE" that I look great and will score later at the Pub later...."

Suddenly Faramir's men brought a small green creature to the captain. "What's this? Is this the creature guiding you Frodo?"

Frodo looked at the captured green creature and let out the breath he had been holding. "No, Faramir, this is not our guide, though he be as homely looking indeed."

"Hmmm, quick, green creature, what is your name and purpose?!"

The little fellow looked at the captain and grinned a most "evil" termite-infested tooth smile. "Why I'm the Gri Gri Gri THE GRINCH! and I'm off to Whoville to steal packages, boxes and ribbons.....bells, whistles, and yam....butter, yarn, and dog chow....christmas trees, beer and...."

"Ugh! Get away from us! You're in the completely wrong story you nit!"

[EarthBound]

Faramir, tall, handsome in face and style stood still and inspected Frodo with his keen observance.

“Travelers you are, meriting good faith or no, you will come with us until it can be decided with less haste. Upon that decision he did a cute head toss which let Frodo admire Faramir's own lustrous locks.

"Say, Captain." Began Frodo. "Your men are so quiet and professional, obviously you are a great leader...what's the secret?"

"We have but a breath to speak right now, but we can risk life and limb to discuss this....you see.....I have this company..."

"Yea, we can see them with their bows, we're not blind," mouthed Sam.

"No no no, I mean I have this company called …. "Hair Club for Men", and the secret is not only am I the owner of this reputable business....I'm a member! My merry green-clad men are all loyal members. I mean you can't even tell can you! I can swim, run, shoot the bow, with complete (Faramir holds up both his hands and does the quotations sign) "CONDFIDENCE" that I look great and will score later at the Pub...."

Suddenly Faramir's men brought a small green creature to the captain. "What's this? Is this the creature guiding you Frodo?"

Frodo looked at the captured green fellow and let out the breath he had been holding. "No, Faramir, this is not our guide, though he be as homely looking indeed."

"Hmmm, quick, green creature, what is your name and purpose?!"

The little fellow looked at the captain and grinned a most "evil" termite-infested tooth smile. "Why I'm the Gri Gri Gri THE GRINCH! and I'm off to Who-Ville to steal packages, boxes and ribbons.....bells, whistles, and yam....butter, yarn, and dog chow....Christmas trees, beer and...."

"Ugh! Get away from us! You're completely in the wrong story, you nit!"

The Grinch sulked off, but called back, “Weave head!”

“Oh yeah!” Faramir wittingly responded.

“Your merry men are a bunch of Sherwood Rejects…couldn’t make it with Robin’s lot, so they had to “settle” for Faramir’s company!”

“Ohhh! Listen Booger-Butt…..” But Faramir did not get to finish his repartee with the creature, for suddenly a sound of a great swath of men marching could be heard…

[Grey_Wolf]

And the roaring of huge motors. Beneath the little hill where they stood came hords of Easterlings driving Sandcrawlers, hummers, quad atv's and marching to this Daft Punk tune:

Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.

Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.

Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.

Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.
Rock. Robot Rock.

Which caused the Merry Men of Faramir to scatter and ready themselves for battle.

Faramir told the hobbits to remain where they were. "Later we will continue this conversation in our Ithilian Mountain Retreat." he said.

[EarthBound]

From within his swanky green jacket Faramir pulled forth....an air horn....and with a subtle push upon the aerosol can called to arms his merry green clad men with very real looking hair. The Battle had begun.

The battle was quick, but Sam would never forget the clown cars...one had nearly rode him down but he'd quickly moved a half-inch to the left and avoided hurting the car. He then stood amazed as not one or two warriors emerged from the tiny car but a multitude...in fact he ran out of toes and fingers to keep the count.....the "Great Clown Cars of the East" were real...and though he would appreciate having seen one for himself...he would never see another. Years later he would try and explain the idea of inverted space and mollified dimensions at the pub, but he was scoffed at by the local phone cleaners and beauty technicians.