The Jokes Thread

[BeardofPants]

Okay, here goes:

Q. What is brown, and sticky?


Warning: questionable content follows:

A. A stick!

Ahahahahahahahahaha!!

Yes, yes, I am sad enough to admit that this is my favourite joke.

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

I am always forgetting my watch, so I had an idea for a great invention:
a watch that attaches itself to your belt-buckle!
After careful consideration, though, I abandoned the idea,
as I thought it would be a waste of time!!

[Janny]

Originally Posted by Last Child of Ungoliant

I am always forgetting my watch, so I had an idea for a great invention:
a watch that attaches itself to your belt-buckle!

You know, I have one of them. My mum brought it back from Japan.
Seriously.

BoP: What is wrong with either of our jokes? Both were of fine callibre.

Khamûl: What did the Yankees do?

[Beren3000]

A guy went to a shrink and said "Doctor, you gotta help me. Every night I go to sleep, I dream of ducks playing a soccer game."
So the doctor told him "Here, take this pill, and you'll never have this dream again."
-"Can I come take this pill tomorrow?"
-"Why?"
-"Because today they're playing the semi-finals."

[Khamûl]

Originally Posted by Janny

Khamûl: What did the Yankees do?

They're the arch rivals of the Boston Red Sox and right now they're ahead in the series 2-0. That plus the fact that I just don't like them.

BoP: I'll have to tell that joke to my girlfriend and see what kind of look I get.

[Nurvingiel]

Originally Posted by Valandil

.....
> > Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"
> > And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!"
> > And Satan said: "It is good."
> > And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
> > God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
> > And then...Satan chuckled and created HMOs.
> >

The British Columbian version ends with "and then Satan created the British Columbian Health-care system.

[BeardofPants]

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. - Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. - Love, Fred

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. - Love, Fred

Originally Posted by Khamûl

BoP: I'll have to tell that joke to my girlfriend and see what kind of look I get.

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

Originally Posted by Nurvingiel

The British Columbian version ends with "and then Satan created the British Columbian Health-care system.

And then Satan created the NHS

[Beren3000]

Not exactly a joke, it's just something funny that happens to me almost everyday and I found no other place to post it. Here's how I'm reminded of Entmoot during my math lessons:

My math teacher doesn't speak very good english. So whenever she threatens somebody about "telling the principle" on them or whenever she talks about complaining about something she always says: "I WILL INFORM THE ADMINISTRATORS."

[Janny]

My friends have a maths teacher who can barely speak English. When she wants someone to move seats because they are too noisy etc, she commands very loudly and sharply: 'SIT AWAY!'...

Just me then... *satisfied sigh*

PS: BoP, terribly sweet joke.

[Nurvingiel]

I love your jokes BoP.


All these jokes are from this hilarious site.


Nickel or Dime?

Some kids were in the habit of teasing one of their group by repeatedly offering him a choice between a nickel and a dime. He always chose the nickel, "because it's bigger."
One day, a friend took him aside and asked, "Don't you know that a dime's worth more than a nickel?"

The kid answered, "Yeah, but if I picked the dime they'd stop doing it!"

Original title: "Pavlov's birds" (obviously not from a psycholgist)

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.


The Professor's Wish

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

[Insidious Rex]

Originally Posted by Nurvingiel

Original title: "Pavlov's birds" (obviously not from a psycholgist)

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football game, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

thats classic.

[Lenya]

Mary had a little lamb...

... and all the doctors fainted

[Janny]

I laughed! I'm so sad...

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

Does laughing to that make you sad?

[Janny]

Depends what you laugh at.

[Lenya]

Damn. Was my joke that bad?

[Nurvingiel]

I thought it was great!

I told my boyfriend and he laughed.

[Lenya]

Thanx

[Janny]

No. I thought it was funny.