The Jokes Thread - Page 26

Janny · 07-01-2004, 05:57 AM

I got it without explaination! *pokes sun-star*

It's just in the UK we have the NHS where you don't pay to get a wait for 14 weeks for treatment or the free superbug infection...

sun-star · 07-01-2004, 06:28 AM

Janny -

And then Satan chuckled and created foundation hospitals, patient choice and a two-tier health system

sun-star · 07-01-2004, 07:36 AM

Janny replies: No, that's someone else who wears a red tie and sings 'The Red Flag'...

Bloody cookies

Janny · 07-01-2004, 07:39 AM

Wait... I thought I just said that... *wimpers* dumb cookies...

sun-star · 07-01-2004, 02:10 PM

I don't get that joke either. We don't blame Gordon Brown for foundation hospitals, young man

***Valandil*** · 07-01-2004, 02:14 PM

As for the 48 hours thing, HMO's were notorious for prescribed lengths-of-stay in a hospital permitted for various conditions (primarily as a cost-cutting measure).

On the first joke - as far as Satan creating HMO's... they have just become in general the butt of jokes here in America.

Janny · 07-01-2004, 03:06 PM

After George Bush?

Lefty Scaevola · 07-01-2004, 03:12 PM

A liberated couple and their young son, go to the nude beach. After a little while the boy runs up to his mother and says
"mommy, mommy, all the ladies have bigger bobbies than you"
"Well, son, the bigger, the dumber"
a little while later he runs up and says
"mommy, mommy, all the men have bigger wee-wees than daddy"
"well, son, the bigger, the dumber"
a third time he runs up and says
"mommy, mommy, daddy is talking to the DUMBEST woman you ever saw, and the more he talks to her, the DUMBER he gets."

Lizra · 08-19-2004, 08:08 AM

Aack!

Just caught that lefty!

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and
says that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger, pushes her elbow and screams
in agony. She then
pushes her knee and screams, and pushes her ankle
and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are
you?"
"No," she says, "I'm actually a blond."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is
broken."

Beren3000 · 08-19-2004, 09:26 AM

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were sitting together in a cafe, when all of a sudden a light comes down on them from the sky and a deep voice says:
"Each of you should come forth and say why she thinks other people like her. If what she says is true, she'll go straight to Heaven. If it isn't, she'll go straight to Hell."

So the redhead comes forth; she says: "I think people like me because I'm beautiful." She gets sucked straight to Hell.
Next comes the brunette; she goes: "I think people like me because I'm kind and understanding." She gets sucked straight to Hell.
Finally, the blonde woman steps forth and says: "I think..." She gets sucked straight to Hell

Beren3000 · 08-19-2004, 09:33 AM

A man with a heart condition won the million-dollar jackpot in lottery. All of his relatives are afraid to tell him, seeing how his heart couldn't handle the shock and all. Finally they go to a psychiatrist and ask him for advice. He said: "I'll handle it personally."
So he went to the man and asked him: "What would you do if I told you you won a million dollars?"
So the man replied: "I'd give you half a million."
The psychiatrist dropped dead from a heart attack.

Mercutio · 08-19-2004, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beren3000

A man with a heart condition won the million-dollar jackpot in lottery. All of his relatives are afraid to tell him, seeing how his heart couldn't handle the shock and all. Finally they go to a psychiatrist and ask him for advice. He said: "I'll handle it personally."
So he went to the man and asked him: "What would you do if I told you you won a million dollars?"
So the man replied: "I'd give you half a million."
The psychiatrist dropped dead from a heart attack.

Hahahahahahaha

Beren3000 · 08-19-2004, 04:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mercutio

Hahahahahahaha

I'm not sure what that means. I'll take it as a compliment (I think)

Beren3000 · 08-19-2004, 05:18 PM

Three men died and went to Heaven. The angel standing at the Pearly Gates told them: "Heaven is actually a large place and you'll need vehicles to help you get around in there. Each one of you will be given a vehicle according to how good he was on Earth. Now each of you tell me, how many years he was married and how many times he cheated on his wife."

The first man: "I was married for 50 years, and I cheated on my wife 20 times".
The Angel: "That's good! You take a Mercedes."
The second man: "I was married for 60 years, and I cheated on my wife 10 times."
The Angel: "Great! You get the BMW."
The third man: "I was married for 70 years, and I never cheated on my wife."
The Angel: "That's perfect! You get the Aston Martin."

Each one of them takes his car and they enter Heaven. They drive together for a while, when all of a sudden they see the man in the Aston Martin pull over and start to cry. They come to him and ask why he's crying so bitterly when he's got the best car around, so he said: "I just saw my wife travelling around on a skateboard!"

***Sister Golden Hair*** · 08-25-2004, 09:37 AM

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia,
Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"

Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful bride,
Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars
for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa Okey
Dokey until we getta lil' bit hungry and open upa

da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda
say, "no eata in disa car. Musta use a dining car."

"So, me and my beautiful bride Virginia, we go to dining car, eata biga
luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino!" Conductore walka by again,
waga hisa finger and say, "No drinka in disa car. Musta use a cluba car."

So, we go to club car. While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The
conductore, he waga his finger again and say, "No smokina disa car Musta
go to smokina car." "We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar."

Then my beautiful bride Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through
da hall shoutin' at da top of hisa voice, "Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'"

"Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus!!"

Beren3000 · 08-25-2004, 10:06 AM

A married couple from Chicago decided to summer in Miami. The woman was on a business trip and the plan was for her husband to go to Miami before her and wait for her.
When he arrived at the hotel, he decided to e-mail his wife to tell her of his safe arrival. He fumbled in his pockets for the slip of paper where he had written her e-mail down. At the end he couldn't find it and decided to write down the e-mail address from memory. However, he made a mistake in just one letter and the e-mail ended up being sent to the wife of a priest whose husband had just died the previous day. The poor woman dropped down dead when she received the e-mail. When her son came and found her dead, he looked at the computer screen and here's what he found:

Dearest wife,
Just arrived today. I'm awaiting your arrival tomorrow.
Lovingly,
Your husband

P.S. It's really hot in here!

Mercutio · 08-25-2004, 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beren3000

I'm not sure what that means. I'll take it as a compliment (I think)

lol--that was my loud and obnoxious laughing

Janny · 10-13-2004, 04:32 PM

How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, Comrade! It is the system that needs changing!

Teeheehee! *Breaks down into childish giggling*

BeardofPants · 10-13-2004, 06:34 PM

That's almost as bad as my brown and sticky joke. Not quite as bad. But almost.

***Khamûl*** · 10-14-2004, 12:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeardofPants

That's almost as bad as my brown and sticky joke. Not quite as bad. But almost.

Brown and sticky? Should I even dare to ask?

07-01-2004, 05:57 AM	#501
Janny The Blobbit Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Kent, England (Not Oxford! ... yet...) Posts: 1,596	I got it without explaination! pokes sun-star It's just in the UK we have the NHS where you don't pay to get a wait for 14 weeks for treatment or the free superbug infection... __________________ Janny's Songs Janny's lyrics and random photographs Tradition means giving votes to the most obscure of all classes, our ancestors. It is the democracy of the dead. Tradition refuses to submit to the small and arrogant oligarchy of those who happen to be walking about. ~ Mercutio... erm, GK Chesterton.

07-01-2004, 06:28 AM	#502
sun-star Lady of Letters Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Either Oxford or Kent, England Posts: 2,476	Janny - And then Satan chuckled and created foundation hospitals, patient choice and a two-tier health system __________________ And all the time the waves, the waves, the waves Chase, intersect and flatten on the sand As they have done for centuries, as they will For centuries to come, when not a soul Is left to picnic on the blazing rocks, When England is not England, when mankind Has blown himself to pieces. Still the sea, Consolingly disastrous, will return While the strange starfish, hugely magnified, Waits in the jewelled basin of a pool.

07-01-2004, 07:36 AM	#503
sun-star Lady of Letters Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Either Oxford or Kent, England Posts: 2,476	Janny replies: No, that's someone else who wears a red tie and sings 'The Red Flag'... Bloody cookies __________________ And all the time the waves, the waves, the waves Chase, intersect and flatten on the sand As they have done for centuries, as they will For centuries to come, when not a soul Is left to picnic on the blazing rocks, When England is not England, when mankind Has blown himself to pieces. Still the sea, Consolingly disastrous, will return While the strange starfish, hugely magnified, Waits in the jewelled basin of a pool. Last edited by sun-star : 07-01-2004 at 02:09 PM.

07-01-2004, 07:39 AM	#504
Janny The Blobbit Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Kent, England (Not Oxford! ... yet...) Posts: 1,596	Wait... I thought I just said that... wimpers dumb cookies... __________________ Janny's Songs Janny's lyrics and random photographs Tradition means giving votes to the most obscure of all classes, our ancestors. It is the democracy of the dead. Tradition refuses to submit to the small and arrogant oligarchy of those who happen to be walking about. ~ Mercutio... erm, GK Chesterton.

07-01-2004, 02:10 PM	#505
sun-star Lady of Letters Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Either Oxford or Kent, England Posts: 2,476	I don't get that joke either. We don't blame Gordon Brown for foundation hospitals, young man __________________ And all the time the waves, the waves, the waves Chase, intersect and flatten on the sand As they have done for centuries, as they will For centuries to come, when not a soul Is left to picnic on the blazing rocks, When England is not England, when mankind Has blown himself to pieces. Still the sea, Consolingly disastrous, will return While the strange starfish, hugely magnified, Waits in the jewelled basin of a pool.

07-01-2004, 02:14 PM	#506
*Valandil* High King at Annuminas Administrator Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Wyoming - USA Posts: 10,752	As for the 48 hours thing, HMO's were notorious for prescribed lengths-of-stay in a hospital permitted for various conditions (primarily as a cost-cutting measure). On the first joke - as far as Satan creating HMO's... they have just become in general the butt of jokes here in America. __________________ My Fanfic: Letters of Firiel Tales of Nolduryon Visitors Come to Court Ñ á ë ?* ó ú é ä ï ö Ö ñ É Þ ð ß ® ™ [Xurl=Xhttp://entmoot.tolkientrail.com/showthread.php?s=&postid=ABCXYZ#postABCXYZ]text[/Xurl] Splitting Threads is SUCH Hard Work!!

07-01-2004, 03:06 PM	#507
Janny The Blobbit Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Kent, England (Not Oxford! ... yet...) Posts: 1,596	After George Bush? __________________ Janny's Songs Janny's lyrics and random photographs Tradition means giving votes to the most obscure of all classes, our ancestors. It is the democracy of the dead. Tradition refuses to submit to the small and arrogant oligarchy of those who happen to be walking about. ~ Mercutio... erm, GK Chesterton.

07-01-2004, 03:12 PM	#508
Lefty Scaevola AngAdan Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Boerne, Texas Posts: 856	A liberated couple and their young son, go to the nude beach. After a little while the boy runs up to his mother and says "mommy, mommy, all the ladies have bigger bobbies than you" "Well, son, the bigger, the dumber" a little while later he runs up and says "mommy, mommy, all the men have bigger wee-wees than daddy" "well, son, the bigger, the dumber" a third time he runs up and says "mommy, mommy, daddy is talking to the DUMBEST woman you ever saw, and the more he talks to her, the DUMBER he gets."

08-19-2004, 08:08 AM	#509
Lizra Domesticated Swing Babe Join Date: May 2002 Location: Reality Posts: 5,340	Aack! Just caught that lefty! A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes her knee and screams, and pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No," she says, "I'm actually a blond." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken." __________________ Happy Atheist Go Democrats!

08-19-2004, 09:26 AM	#510
Beren3000 Fëanorophobic Join Date: May 2004 Location: Between the pages of a book Posts: 1,417	A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were sitting together in a cafe, when all of a sudden a light comes down on them from the sky and a deep voice says: "Each of you should come forth and say why she thinks other people like her. If what she says is true, she'll go straight to Heaven. If it isn't, she'll go straight to Hell." So the redhead comes forth; she says: "I think people like me because I'm beautiful." She gets sucked straight to Hell. Next comes the brunette; she goes: "I think people like me because I'm kind and understanding." She gets sucked straight to Hell. Finally, the blonde woman steps forth and says: "I think..." She gets sucked straight to Hell

08-19-2004, 09:33 AM	#511
Beren3000 Fëanorophobic Join Date: May 2004 Location: Between the pages of a book Posts: 1,417	A man with a heart condition won the million-dollar jackpot in lottery. All of his relatives are afraid to tell him, seeing how his heart couldn't handle the shock and all. Finally they go to a psychiatrist and ask him for advice. He said: "I'll handle it personally." So he went to the man and asked him: "What would you do if I told you you won a million dollars?" So the man replied: "I'd give you half a million." The psychiatrist dropped dead from a heart attack.

08-19-2004, 05:18 PM	#514
Beren3000 Fëanorophobic Join Date: May 2004 Location: Between the pages of a book Posts: 1,417	Three men died and went to Heaven. The angel standing at the Pearly Gates told them: "Heaven is actually a large place and you'll need vehicles to help you get around in there. Each one of you will be given a vehicle according to how good he was on Earth. Now each of you tell me, how many years he was married and how many times he cheated on his wife." The first man: "I was married for 50 years, and I cheated on my wife 20 times". The Angel: "That's good! You take a Mercedes." The second man: "I was married for 60 years, and I cheated on my wife 10 times." The Angel: "Great! You get the BMW." The third man: "I was married for 70 years, and I never cheated on my wife." The Angel: "That's perfect! You get the Aston Martin." Each one of them takes his car and they enter Heaven. They drive together for a while, when all of a sudden they see the man in the Aston Martin pull over and start to cry. They come to him and ask why he's crying so bitterly when he's got the best car around, so he said: "I just saw my wife travelling around on a skateboard!"

08-25-2004, 09:37 AM	#515
*Sister Golden Hair* Queen of Nargothrond Administrator Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Akron, Ohio - USA Posts: 7,121	After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?" Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down." "Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful bride, Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta lil' bit hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, "no eata in disa car. Musta use a dining car." "So, me and my beautiful bride Virginia, we go to dining car, eata biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino!" Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, "No drinka in disa car. Musta use a cluba car." So, we go to club car. While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, "No smokina disa car Musta go to smokina car." "We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar." Then my beautiful bride Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shoutin' at da top of hisa voice, "Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'" "Next time, I'ma gonna take a da bus!!" __________________ "Whither go you?" she said. "North away." he said: "to the swords, and the siege, and the walls of defence - that yet for a while in Beleriand rivers may run clean, leaves spring, and birds build their nests, ere Night comes." AboutNewJersey.com - New Jersey Travel and Tourism Guide

08-25-2004, 10:06 AM	#516
Beren3000 Fëanorophobic Join Date: May 2004 Location: Between the pages of a book Posts: 1,417	A married couple from Chicago decided to summer in Miami. The woman was on a business trip and the plan was for her husband to go to Miami before her and wait for her. When he arrived at the hotel, he decided to e-mail his wife to tell her of his safe arrival. He fumbled in his pockets for the slip of paper where he had written her e-mail down. At the end he couldn't find it and decided to write down the e-mail address from memory. However, he made a mistake in just one letter and the e-mail ended up being sent to the wife of a priest whose husband had just died the previous day. The poor woman dropped down dead when she received the e-mail. When her son came and found her dead, he looked at the computer screen and here's what he found: Dearest wife, Just arrived today. I'm awaiting your arrival tomorrow. Lovingly, Your husband P.S. It's really hot in here! Last edited by Beren3000 : 08-25-2004 at 10:07 AM.

10-13-2004, 06:34 PM	#519
BeardofPants the Shrike Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: San Francisco, CA <3 Posts: 10,647	That's almost as bad as my brown and sticky joke. Not quite as bad. But almost. __________________ "Binary solo! 0000001! 00000011! 0000001! 00000011!" ~ The Humans are Dead, Flight of the Conchords

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