"Temporary" Venting Thread IV

[The last sane person]

Good Luck Tess! And regardless of whether or not you succeeed (I bet you will, because you are awesome like that) please tell us what it is?

[Earniel]

Thirded on the 'good luck!' and on the 'we're curious, we wanna knooooooow.' Spiffy is always good, go for it.

[The last sane person]

Stupid nurses and doctors that can't inject needles properly...grrr....was tempted to do it myself like last time. Ouchies.

[Mari]

*hands Sane a bandaid with a little flower on it*
There. Now all the pain will go right away if you put it on.

[Tessar]

Well basically what I'm looking at is trying to get some kind of therapy.

I keep trying to convince myself that I'm okay with being gay, but in truth I'm not and I never have been fully comfortable with it. So I'm going to be looking into some counseling/therapy to see if I can either get more comfortable with it, or... well.. explore my options .

A part of what has pushed me to do this is that it seems like the more male friends (both gay and straight) I get, the less comfortable I am with being homosexual myself... without actually feeling homophobic of the other gay guys. I can't completely explain it, but especially lately I've felt less and less 'alike' with the other gay guys I know, even the more 'moderate' ones.

I really almost can't explain it... it's like... the more I become myself... wanting to be sociable, definitely being goofy and with a weird/geeky sense of humor, and just having fun feeling like it's okay to be who I am... the more I feel like I'm headed towards being someone a little different from who I always thought I would be.



I'm also starting to remember things about when I was a kid, and I wonder if I didn't set myself down this path by accident.


Don't get me wrong--I'm not saying I think all gay guys choose to be gay. I don't know or care if it's biological or whatever for other guys; I'm interested in what's up with ME.

I'm also keenly aware that the way I feel now could just be triggered by guilt. Hence why I need to figure this out for real instead of trying to figure out what's going on based on how I feel from moment to moment.




The only thing that I'm afraid of is that I may lose some of my friends because I'm sure a lot of them are going to think I'm becoming a homophobe... considering the way they choose to belittle some of my other religious friends, almost none of whom are -actually- homophobic...

I'm not actually planning to tell most of my friends about what I'm doing, but I'm sure they'll wise up sooner or later however it is that things work out.

But you know what? Screw that. I'm done playing other people's games, and trying to fool myself into thinking I'm okay with something when I'm not. I'm going to take steps to figure this out.

[The last sane person]

So long as they don't try to foist any of that electro shock **** on you...Eugh.... Or medication.

Whatever suits you I guess.

[Tessar]

Yeah, that's not going to happen. O.o Sheeze. I've read about some of that stuff...

I'm planning to look for ACTUAL counseling/therapy, not neo-nazi crap. Lordy.

The idea isn't to force myself into being straight, or shut out everything I've ever felt about being gay and suddenly go all Rainbow Bright . I want to figure out how I really, honestly feel and decide on a logical course of action .


Part of what's letting me do this is that I'm more emotionally mature now, after this semester, and I can actually think about things like this without wanting to cry or feeling horrible for hours. It used to be that even wondering about things like this would make my chest hurt, and I would feel so anxious that I would have to force myself to think about something else.

But now I can deal with it better.

[The last sane person]

Ye be careful though... It is still done. Bleg.

But so long as you are trying to find out who you are under your own power, it's totally cool.

[hectorberlioz]

Tessar,

Maybe you should not equate being gay with being part of the "gay community"? You are your own person and you could still be gay (gosh, I sound dumb), but when you try to center your life around this one thing, naturally you are going to find that there is more to life than just being part of this group.

My two cents.

[Tessar]

You're definitely right. I don't equate myself with the 'community', and I've never made very strong efforts to try to fit in to what I've been told by my friends that I should be like in regards to being gay.

Like I said, it's hard to explain how I feel. It's not that I feel like I'm changing in regards to feeling like a part of the 'community'... argh. I can't explain it, but I can certainly feel it.

The point you've made is part of why I feel I need to see someone who can help me think things through... It's possible that I am definitely gay, it's a totally biological thing, and that all I'm feeling right now is based around my continuing to change as a result of being around other people so much... as opposed to when I spent 24/7 at home. In all actuality, it's only been about a year and a half now that I've been around other people my age all day.

I'm growing, possibly a little later than everyone else around me, but hopefully growing in the right direction .


Either way, it's frustrating, and it makes me a little bit angry. I feel like I'm figuring out so much about myself, but at the same time a part of me that I thought I was beginning to figure out only seems to be becoming more jumbled and... well... just different from how it looked before.

I certainly can't pretend that I haven't felt the things I have, but now I'm starting to feel differently.

But if nothing else I can be comfortable in the fact that... in the end... this is sort of trivial in the grand scheme of things. The other things I've discovered about myself, my personality, and my moral commitments far outweigh this thing.

[Gwaimir Windgem]

You're right, Hec, but I've never gotten the impression that Tessar was really trying to fit into the gay community, or fit the gay image. I mean, obviously, I don't know you in real life, Tess, but I haven't gotten that idea from your posts. If you are trying to fit some image or summat of that nature, though, that seems like a bad idea.

But good luck with your endeavors, and figuring yourself out! I hope all turns out for the best, and will say a prayer for you.

I understand that it is common for young men to go through phases like that. Maybe it was a phase with you, and you are coming out of it? You are only, what, twenty? Just one possibility.

[Mari]

If you go to counseling, try to find a therapist who works according to the cognitive or maybe in your case also the psycho-analytical theories. You can ask the therapist about their background. It's really rather important. I think
As is how you feel about the therapist.
I think those two conditions should be the most important ones.

Good luck. And well done on admitting you might need someone else to help you find your way!

[Midge]

Originally Posted by Evil Santa

Hohoho! Oh yes it is! Now tell ole' Evil Santa who you want me to bump off for Christmas...

I totally didn't even see this post before.

I don't want anyone bumped off.. except maybe like... my inner me who is such an idiot.

I've moved out of the stage where I am mad at my boyfriend. I think about the things we did together and get really really sad. And yesterday I was ill and I had him come over and talk. When we were finished, it was better... like, I could see us being friends again much sooner than I expected and that's a good thing. He's changed a bit since I broke up with him. He reminded me more of the guy he was when we started dating, and how much I liked him then. Back then, he was so wise and seemed to be very spiritual and a wonderful man.

And now I feel like I want him back after seeing him be like that again. He keeps promising that he'll listen to what I want, and that he doesn't love me just because I had been living up to a standard of what he wanted in a woman. I told a friend about that and he tells me that I shouldn't even consider it, because it will just end the same way. And I'm flip-flopping like a fish out of water. It's driving me crazy! Plus I've got a video to finish cutting together by Friday, an essay to revise, a speech to prepare and a test to study for by tomorrow AND I've been late-nighting recently.

I'm going to die.

[hectorberlioz]

Ah, well first things first: there's no rule that says you have to sort through sad issues and wait to do the assignments!

But also: this is just one of those issues where you play the Tiger part in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon." Wait longer than your feelings tell you to. Something may happen to reunite you and your bf, but you should wait until your head and emotions clear a little bit.

My two cents

Hm, I could almost start an advice column!

[Ingwe]

Got my first free time in what seems like a while, so I played me some Battle for Middle Earth II: Rise of the Witch King.

So I go to a site with lots of map and mod downloads (for those who don't know what a mod is, it's a modification to the original game allowing for various aspects of gameplay to be changed).

I find this map (not going to name the name of the map, oh what the hey, it was called the "Untamed" mod - maybe not the only mod to have that title). In the description of the mod, one of the change log items listed this:

"Adds Drogoth and the Witch King as playable characters for the Men of the West Faction"...

...or something to that effect. Yea, when I read it, I had to re-read it to make sure I hadn't gone completely insane. Sure enough, second and third time reading it, I was just appalled. My mouth came open and I stared at the screen and shook my head in utter dismay and confusion.

Drogoth was a dragon and the Witch King, well, he's the Witch King. What he's doing fighting alongside the same faction that defends Minas Tirith, I don't have an answer for. Or maybe I do have an answer for it...the modder didn't know what in the heck he was doing!!!

Other things that the modder apparently did were to add the Rohan stables to the Dwarves.....yeah. The Dwarves already have cavalry in the game - they're called Guardians and can run over just about any soldier-classed unit in the game.

To top it off, another change in this "Untamed" mod was...

adds dwarven units to elves

First of all, I was not surprised to see spelling, capitalization, and grammar errors throughout it. But I'd kindly leave that aspect go as compared with the concept.....adding Dwarven units to the Elves. Has this person even read any of Tolkien's books? And if so, was it a big joke or something? It's like having Batman walking around tripping over the Batmobile! It's like having Aquaman drown to death!

I couldn't believe my eyes. So, in dismay of what I had just seen, I couldn't stand to look at anymore mods. I didn't even download or install this mod - didn't have to - the "stuff it changes" list told me everything I needed to know.

So after returning from throwing up (dramatically speaking of course), I decided that I'd just play the game the way nature intended - with RJ's mod for Rise of the Witch King. But while playing the game for about 15 minutes, I couldn't get the thought of that one mod out of my head, and in disappointment I just exited the game and spent some time with Amy and read through some of the Fellowship of the Ring to calm my thoughts.

Like, it may not seem like such a big deal because it's a game made by EA games, a company that abandoned Rise of the Witch King four months after its release. And in addition, it may not seem like such a big deal since there are a lot of mods out there for the game after two years of the game being out, and some of them are just awful to the point that there is no adjective to describe them. This mod I took a look at was no less than the King of all those mods. Ever hear of ET: The Extra Terrestrial for the Atari 2600? Anyway, yeah, it was something I probably won't forget anytime soon.

I'd rather fight 300 orcs with just using a short sword. I'd rather fight a troll with a twig. I'd rather take pot-shots at angry Goblin archers by throwing apples and oranges at them.

I go to see a therapist tomorrow, and no I won't tell her anything about this, because it's too embarrassing to tell a therapist that I just saw what just might possibly be the most ridiculous, absurd, mortifying piece of...something...that I've ever seen in many many years. History is full of turning points, and this marks a definite turning point - the first time in centuries that I've seen or heard anything nearly so absurd. A mod like that makes an already-unrealistic game based on movies that don't follow the books look even more unrealistic, to be profoundly honest.

It's like...what if I made a mod for that game in which Elrond gets the power to conduct a dragon fire strike on the enemy's base, or if the Noldor Warriors throw axes and the Dwarven axe throwers instead shoot arrows, or if Elves could train orcs as elite units......? Wow...that would require me to go bonkers.

Oh...my...God.

Can Elves have aneurysms by any chance?

Anyway, in other personal news, my sister in law just got off her last day of classes for this semester which she called "the semester from hell". She knows more about Tolkien literature than I do, and so she'd be down-right mortified if she witnessed the mod description I witnessed on this dark day.

Besides that, the weather here is as cold as the Forodwaith, the wind's as bad as that on Caradhras, and the sky's as gloomy as Mordor. What a difference just a few months makes....oh well, gives me more to look forward to when Spring arrives.

[Midge]

Originally Posted by hectorberlioz

Ah, well first things first: there's no rule that says you have to sort through sad issues and wait to do the assignments!

But also: this is just one of those issues where you play the Tiger part in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon." Wait longer than your feelings tell you to. Something may happen to reunite you and your bf, but you should wait until your head and emotions clear a little bit.

My two cents

Hm, I could almost start an advice column!

Dear Hector...

I could see it.

And dear Hector, I've never seen "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon".

It's really hard for me to wait (I'm probably one of the most impatient people you'll ever meet). I figured out what is the most different between this break up and the previous one (other than the fact that this one was two years long and that one was four months, and this one I did the dumping and the one before, I was dumped) is that before, I had other guy friends who would hug me and tell me I was pretty and they were there for me. Now I don't have anyone. Through my boyfriend, I effectively cut myself off from being close to any guys to help me through this. The only man I have is my dad, and he's very nice and all, but the only time I see him is about five hours in the evening. That leaves the rest of the day for me to not have any man-support.

That is a problem.

Anyway... I just realized that this probably sounds like a literal "Dear Hector" thing. I'm not singling you out, Mr. Berlioz.

[sisterandcousinandaunt]

Pardon my saying, Midge, and you're cute as a button, but having "man support" may be kind of the origin of the problem anyway, kwim?

If the message you're sending is, "I'm not quite anybody if no one notices" then you'll attract people who want to complete THEMselves as "protector of the incompetent and needy." I mean , almost anyone is controlling and critical if they see someone as sort of "unfinished."

Put that together with being female and physically small, and you've set up a dynamic that's almost bound to be parental in some fashion.

People do that, and it works for some of them. But if you've been feeling tension trying to assert your adulthood between these men who are trying to take care of you, doing things on your own (and with other young women) is a really good way to start determining your limits...figuring out what your strengths are, so you can have romantic relationships that are more peer based.

More than you're interested in hearing, probably.

[Mari]

I wants a hug. Today sucked. And the way things are now I just can't see over that bloody hill.

[Ingwe]

What's wrong today Mari? Are you ok now? *hug* Well another day has almost come and gone, I hope tomorrow will be better for you.

[sisterandcousinandaunt]

*Also hugs Mari*