The Jokes Thread

[Mercutio]

Beruthiel's Cat--

That dam joke is so funny! (sorry mother dear) .

[Artanis]

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. (By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log.
S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
-------------------------------------
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order!!

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (Note: this was for a piston-engineered airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

[Artanis]

A mechanical engineer, a systems engineer, and a software engineer are in a car driving down a steep mountain road when the brakes fail. The driver desperately pumps the brake pedal, trying to control the speeding vehicle around cliff-edge bends, while the passengers do their best not to panic. As the car hurtles towards an impossible corner the driver spots an escape route into a hedge and a haystack beyond, where the car eventually grinds to a surprisingly safe stop. The three engineers all get out, shaken, relieved, and take turns to assess the situation.

'Hmm,' says the mechanical engineer, 'It looks like a brake line was leaking - let's repair the split, bleed the brakes, and we should be able to get on our way..."

The systems engineer thinks for a while and says, 'Maybe we need to contact the manufacturer and the dealer to confirm exactly what the problem is..."

The software engineer slowly climbs into the driver's seat and, gesturing for the others to join him, says, 'How about we get back on the road and see if it happens again?..'

[Artanis]

A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and says to the shepherd:

'If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?'

The shepherd looks at the man, who is obviously a yuppie, then turns to his peaceful, grazing flock and calmly answers, 'OK, why not?'

So the yuppie parks his car, whips out his IBM Thinkpad, connects it to his mobile phone, surfs the Internet and finds a NASA site. Then, using the Web site, he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system and scans the area.

Next he opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas and after a few minutes he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised printer.

Eventually he turns to the shepherd and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 sheep.'

'That's correct,' says the shepherd 'you can take one of the sheep.'

He watches as the young man selects one of the animals and bundles it into his car, then says: 'Hold on a minute, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?'

'OK, why not?' answers the young man.

'That's easy,' says the shepherd 'you're a consultant.'

'That's spot on,' says the yuppie, clearly amazed, 'but how did you guess that?'

'There was no guessing required,' answers the shepherd.

'You turned up here, even though nobody called you. You expect to get paid to give me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't even know a thing about my business. Now give me back my dog.

[Beruthiel's cat]

ROTFL!!!

[Rían]

good ones, Arty!

[Earniel]

Originally posted by Artanis
Now give me back my dog.

Mwahahah! This one is as good as the dam joke!

[Ragnarok]

How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?

The Answer is SEVEN:

one to deny that a lightbulb needs to be replaced

one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the lightbulb,

one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new lightbulb,

one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of lightbulbs,

one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a lightbulb,

one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the lightbulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag,

and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country.

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

Originally posted by Ragnarok
How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a lightbulb?

The Answer is SEVEN:

one to deny that a lightbulb needs to be replaced
one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the lightbulb,
one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new lightbulb,
one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of lightbulbs,
one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a lightbulb,
one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the lightbulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag,
and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a lightbulb and screwing the country.

i suppose this could be adapted to blair

very funny, though

[sun-star]

Bearing in mind Insidious Rex's sig ("Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination"), it is possible to spell the word "fish" as "ghoti".

gh as in cough
o as in women
ti as in nation



Attributed to George Bernard Shaw

[Linaewen]

Originally posted by Artanis
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. (By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)

*Shrug* They're Australian, whaddya expect? I'm sure it's not just QANTAS (No 'u', actually) pilots and mechanics who say such things. Truly...

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

what do you call a blonde with a braincell?

gifted

[Janny]

Not

lucky

?

[Valandil]

>
> > In the beginning...God covered the earth
> > with broccoli, cauliflower,
> > and spinach, with green and yellow and red
> > vegetables of all kinds, so Man
> > and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
> > Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan
> > created Ben and Jerry's and
> > Krispy Kreme.
> > And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"
> > And Man said: "Yes!"
> > And Woman said: "I'll have one too ...with
> > sprinkles."
> > And lo they gained 10 pounds.
> > And God created the healthful yogurt that
> > Woman might keep the figure
> > that Man found so fair.
> > And Satan brought forth white flour from
> > the wheat, and sugar from
> > the cane, and combined them.
> > And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
> > So God said: "Try my fresh green garden
> > salad."
> > And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese
> > dressing and garlic toast on the side.
> > And Man and Woman unfastened their belts
> > following the repast.
> > God then said: "I have sent you heart
> > healthy vegetables and olive oil
> > in which to cook them."
> > And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut
> > shrimp, butter-dipped lobster
> > chunks, and chicken-fried steak--so big it
> > needed its own platter.
> > And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
> > Then God brought forth the potato,
> > naturally low in fat and brimming
> > with potassium and good nutrition.
> > Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin
> > and sliced the starchy
> > center into chips and deep-fried them in animal
> > fats adding copious quantities of salt.
> > And Man put on more pounds.
> > God then brought forth running shoes so
> > that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
> > And Satan came forth with a cable TV with
> > remote control so Man would
> > not have to toil changing the channels.
> > And Man and Woman laughed and cried before
> > the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
> > God then gave lean beef so that Man might
> > consume fewer calories and
> > still satisfy his appetite.
> > And Satan created McDonald's and the
> > 99-cent double cheeseburger.
> > Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"
> > And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!"
> > And Satan said: "It is good."
> > And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
> > God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
> > And then...Satan chuckled and created HMOs.
> >

[Beruthiel's cat]

Good one, Val! Especially that last line!!!! (I have a friend who processes claims for HMO's...she'll love it!!)

(BC copies and pastes onto her e-mail address book...)

[Valandil]

Originally posted by Beruthiel's cat
Good one, Val! Especially that last line!!!! (I have a friend who processes claims for HMO's...she'll love it!!)

(BC copies and pastes onto her e-mail address book...)

Heard another one sometime back about HMO's... don't remember it exactly, but I'll try to compose a reasonable facsimile here on the spot:

- - - - - - - - - -

The man who created HMO's finally passed away and his spirit went up to the Pearly Gates, anticipating his Heavenly Reward. He gave his name to St Peter, who checked through the Book of Life... and didn't find it.

"I'm sorry, your name is not here. You cannot enter."

'But wait! I thought my name would be there for sure. Can you check again?'

Peter re-checked, a bit more carefully. "No, I'm sorry... your name is not written here."

Perplexed, the man said, 'But I'm the guy who invented HMO's... managed care! Surely there must be some kind of mistake!?'

Sympathetic to the fellow's obvious distress, St Peter said, "Hold on a minute, I'll go check."

Peter went back behind the Gates and disappeared for a few minutes. Finally he came back and told the man:

"OK, you can come in. But after 48 hours you'll have to leave."

[sun-star]

LOL for the first one, Val

(Didn't get the last line though - what are HMOs?)

[Valandil]

Originally posted by sun-star
(Didn't get the last line though - what are HMOs?)

Oh - probably an 'Americanism'

I think it stand for 'Health Maintenance Organization'... it's kinda like health insurance, but not quite - and was all the rage among employers in America for much of the 80's and 90's. Others could probably explain better than me. They were cheaper than health insurance premiums we would pay for normal health insurance, but there was some sort of structuring which was intended to reduce costs. They've largely fallen out of favor more recently, I think.

Can someone else 'splainem better?

[sun-star]

So the basic meaning is, God created quadruple bypass surgery and Satan stops people getting it?

Way to ruin a joke, sun-star

[Valandil]

Originally posted by sun-star
So the basic meaning is, God created quadruple bypass surgery and Satan stops people getting it?

Well... sort of. But it wasn't a part of His Original Plan. Just a last resort.