Return of TLA

[Nazgûl Queen]

*Acacia wanders through the mountain full of joy. Not only does she have all the chocolate she can eat and the best library in the world, but she finally has her horse back.*

Acacia: *brushing Wathalion* I'm glad you're safe, i missed you...

Wathalion: i missed you too...

Acacia: Huh?

Wathalion: *neighs*

Acacia: *shrugs* I'm hearing things again, and you know what that means... MORE CHOCOLATE!!!!

*She goes over to the chocolate pile and eats a few bars, then notices Allie's moping and the absence of a certain egg...*

Acacia: *calling to Sarah* Hey, Sarah, have you seen the Arkenegg anywhere?

Sarah: No, why?

Acacia: I heard tell that the greatest book of all time is hidden beneath it's chocolate layers... kinda like a giant, magical kinder surprise.

Sarah: But even IF you found it, Allie wouldn't let you break it open...

Acacia: Of COURSE she would... it's not the most famous chocolate creation ever for nothing. However much you break off it, the egg keeps reforming. It's a chocolate egg that never runs out!

Hannah: *hearing in the corner* Hmmmmm...

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

OOC: OOH! I have a picture of WW's Smaugette! I will post it this weekend. *My devil ducky is smiling at you*

[Renille]

Tano- Allie? Umm....can you stop your Arkenegg search for just one second? There's someone who wants to see you.

Allie- But...no one even knows I'm here.

Tano- Alfie seems to.

Allie- ALFIE? My Alfie? The bossy, awesome pony who has a fake British accent? Where????

Sarah- How on earth do you know whether or not your pony has a real British accent or not? How do you know he HAS an accent in the first place?

Allie- I don't know...but, ALFIEEE!!! *runs to stable* I'm here, boy! I wouldn't ever desert you! I love you SO SO SO much!

Alfie- Honestly, to think I ever almost missed this grovelling little piece of humanity...

Allie- What?

Alfie-*sigh* Neigh. Neigh.

Allie- By the way,Alfie, have you seen the Arkenegg?

*Alfie trots huffily off to his stable*

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

OOC: Ok, I'm posting pictures in the disscussion thread.

[Christiana]

Im bAAAAaaaack!!!!!!!!!!!

[WiseWizard]

*meanwhile, back in Lake Town, everyone is still quite confused as to what is going on. All that's for sure is that the Smaugettes are attacking, and Zandalf, the deaf penguin, and Elf Girl are all poised to take down the beast.*
Bard: Hey, what about me?
*OH! You're that guy! Um...what was your name?....Shakespe...*
Bard: NO you idiot! We're in Lake Town, not Stratford!
*Oh. Right. So what do you want?*
Bard: Umm....it says in the script that I'm supposed to kill Smaug.
*Smaug? You're supposed to kill Smaug?*
Bard: Yup.
*Well, sorry to tell you this, but you're in the wrong story.*
Bard: ?
*You see, for one, there is no script for this. And two, the Smaugettes are attacking. Not Smaug.*
Bard: Oh.
*So why don't you just head on over to that other story and....write some plays or something.*
Bard: I'M NOT SHAKE...
*Yeah, I know. But this isn't your place. Trust me.*
Bard: FINE!
*And then Bard walked to the edge of the world of TLA, fell through the cosmic abyss of space, passing by a very enormous turtle with four elephants on its back (go Discworld!), and finally dropping into the proper universe.*
Elf Girl: You just killed off Bard!
*So?*
Elf Girl: But he's supposed to..
*Not anymore.*
Elf Girl: But..
*Nope.*
Elf Girl: Bu..
*Un uh.*
Elf Girl: B...
*You don't need to say anything because I know what's coming, and no. he's gone, deal with it.*
*Elf Girl storms away in anger.*
Elf Girl: Hey! Stop it! I'm not done with you yet!
*She still storms away with fear.*
Elf Girl: I'm not doing it!!!
*STORM AWAY DAMN IT!!!!!!!!*
Elf Girl: .....okay.
*Thank you.*
*Elf Girl storms away in anger without looking back. Meanwhile, the Master of Lake Town has decided that it would be wise to get away form the ensuing chaos. He wasn't afraid of the Smaugettes, he was afraid of what might happen when a neon green wizard who talks to herself joins a drunk and slightly opaque wizard, who has just come to emotional terms with a flying deaf penguin, as they all face a horde of scantily clad women (wearing fishnet stockings) that are destroying a town.*
Zandalf: Well, I think it's time we did something about this! *swigs down a shot of red wine*
Penguin: MIER!
Elf Girl: Why not?
Zandalf: GREAT! I have a plan!
*They form a huddle as the Smaugettes are now descending upon the town, throwing bottles of cheap perfume at innocent villagers, making them choke to death in a cloud of cheaply produced perfume (in other words, it's already broken out into chemical warfare).*
Zandalf: Everybody got that?
Penguin: MEIR!
Elf Girl: Um, I don't think I heard you correctly.......did you say "jump"?
Zandalf: Yeah.
Elf Girl: And "onto the dragon's back"?
Zandalf: Uh huh.
Elf Girl: And you put them next to each other?
Zandalf: Your point?
*Elf Girl looks at Zandalf blankly. he doesn't get it. She looks towards the penguin. It looked so menacing that she knew if she said anything against it she would be getting a flipper slap in the face. Or worse...*
Elf Girl: Sounds great!
Zandalf: Good! So when they make their next pass, we jump and...
Elf Girl: Here they come!
*So as the Smaugettes flew down on their many-pieced puppet dragon, Zandalf and crew ran to the top of a building, and jumped onto the back of the immense beast.*
Smaugatt: Hey girls! Look who's paying us a visit!
Smaugtano: Humph! Look at that neon green! *sigh* Poor girl has no taste.
Smaugallie: We could help. *to Elf Girl* You know, you do have some promise.
*Elf Girl looks around bewildered.....and then jumps off the dragon and lands safely below.*
Zandalf: HEY!
Smaugatt: You know, he could use some color as well. I mean, opaque? Really you should know better.
Smaugchristina: OOH! We'd have just as much fun as we did with Smaugach!
*pause*
Zandalf: Smaugach?.....*gasp* My evil twin!
*And then, all the Smaugettes stood back as one stepped forward. Zandalf could only stare in complete shock and got a dreadful sense that the world had just gotten a little more...what's the word....flamboyant.*
Smaugach: Oh trust me dear, at first they'll put a little too much eyeliner on, but once they've got it down, you'll never go off it again!
*To describe Zandalf's reaction to this is impossible. To say that his face contorted into one of disgust, shock, fright, etc. is to fall extremely short of anything which even closely resembled his face. To say that he was stunned and flabbergasted comes nowhere near. So lets just say, he had mixed feelings on what he heard.*
Zandalf: THAT'S IT! I'm going back to the bar!
*With that, Zandalf jumped off the dragon and headed straight for the nearest bar, leaving the deaf penguin to deal with the Smaugettes on its own.....*
*To be continued.....by me!*

OOC: These long ones are so fun to do! And I do want to finish this.

[Earniel]

OOC: Neh, neh, neh! LOL!

*In the Lonely Mountain Factory, the TLA is holding a party to to celebrate their reclaiming of the mountain. A bonfire (consisting of many things that belonged to the Smaugettes) is lit.*

Tano: You know, I never knew that burning make-up could produced such a blaze.

Sarah: Yes, quite nice eh? And all those chemicals gives such pretty colours in the flames.

Hannah: And there are plenty of fishnets and other weird outfits we can still burn. Those Smaugettes were really weird!

Maggie: *slightly worried* Are you sure all this partying is such a good idea?

Violet: Why wouldn't it?

Maggie: I don't know... I just don't think we've seen the last of the Smaugettes.

Acacia: Oh, trust us, they ain't coming back. especially not when they hear what we did to their 'redecorating'.

*That's what you think.*

Acacia: Oh just shut up!

*That isn't very nice.*

Acacia: Who asked you?

Maggie: Who are you talking to? I never said anything.

Acacia: No I was just talking to... *sees strange looks of the TLA* to... Oh, never mind! Let's throw some of the sequinced fishnets on the fire. I'm told it gives pretty firework.

TLA: Oooh, fireworks!

Sarah: Allie, do you come and watch the firework?

Allie: In a minute! As soon as I found my Arkenegg! *mutters to herself* It HAS to be around here somewhere! *goes through the entire hoard of chocolate again*

[WiseWizard]

*Meanwhile, back in Lake Town, Zandalf and Elf Girl are in the bar, taking several shots of tequila*
Elf Girl: I mean, *slurring speech*he had eyeliner on?
Zandalf: *in stupor* Uh huh.
Elf Girl: And red hair?
Zandalf: Uh huh.
Elf Girl: And a tight leather vest?
Zandalf: Uh huh.
Elf Girl: And he even had the elf ears?
*Zandalf's head suddenly drops onto the bar, and starts to snore. Whether it was the drink or the concussion he received from hitting his head on the bar so hard....we'll never know.*
Elf Girl: Zandalf? *pokes him* Zandalf? You awake? *pokes him, and a grunt, sounding like something that would leap out at you from the middle of that dark corner you never really want to take your eye off of, was emitted from the worthless shell of a human being that laid before her*
Elf Girl: *looking around the bar* Hey, whatever happened to that penguin?
*That's a good question, and one that needs answering.*
Elf Girl: Why, thank you.
*Don't get your hopes up.*
Elf Girl: You know, one day you're going to realize that you're only a perverted little munchkin hiding behind the control room of God desperate for atten.....
*Suddenly Elf Girl shuts up and cannot speak no matter how hard she tries.*
Elf Girl: *You forget, I'm a wizard so I can still talk through telekinesis.*
*Oh screw it. Time to get back to the penguin.*
Elf Girl: *Fine.*
*Smaug was flying high in the sky, and the Smaugettes were having the time of their lives. As for the penguin....he was too. After Zandalf had jumped off Smaug's back, the penguin had felt quite abandoned (though by taking one look at Smaugach, it could understand why Zandalf had jumped). So the Smaugettes, seeing the penguin's distress, immediately rushed to give it every bit of cuddling and hugging they felt it deserved. To tell the truth, the pengiun was about ready to charge right at them and take them all out with a single heroic move, but once they got to him, he realized that he really had been quite neglected and abused for all of this story, and gave in to the Smaugettes.

OOC: This post is too long, so I'll seperate it into two or three.

[WiseWizard]

Any man who had looked up during those few minutes would have never looked into the sky again for fear they might see it again. It was simply too absurd to comprehend. A dragon was destroying a town, several females (and one rather effeminate male) were on its back celebrating, and a penguin with sunglasses was sitting in a recliner chair with a martini in hand while two of the women massaged his beak and flippers.
If that wasn't odd enough, Smaug suddenly snapped into being as an actual character. To tell the truth, it was quite an unspectacular event. The edge of one wing became angled a slightly different way, one of its eyelids opened wider, and a general feeling of mellowness exploded outwards like a shock wave (which it really can't do since that's much too exciting a description for it, but nonetheless it should work), and suddenly Smaug was no longer a puppet, but an acutal character that could speak.
Not to mention the fact that about a ahlf a page was just written with absolutely no dialogue in it, and this story needed some spicing up.*
Smaug: Hello, ladies!
Smaugettes: You can talk?
Smaug: Of course! But you have simply taken care of all my needs so well that I haven't needed to say anything.
Smaugatt: Oh, well we're glad we can finally talk to you now!
Smaugano: Yeah! Now we can have fun with you as well!
Smaug: Well girls, I just feel so honored that after so many years you still are only taking care of me. You are all so truly loyal!
*At this point, two of the Smaugettes actually have enough mind to try and hurl the penguin off, seeing as they were taking care of it much better than they had ever taken care of Smaug.*
Smaug: *sniffing the air* Hmmm....what is that smell?
Smaugannah: *nervously laughing* It's a new perfume I'm trying!
Smaug: Smells like rotten fish.
Penguin: MIER!
*As you can see, the penguin could not endure this insult. Smaug was startled, and turned it's head around to see how well the penguin had been treated. Furious, Smaug burned down another bridge out of Lake Town.*
Smaug: WHAT IS THAT?!?!?
Smaugatt: Well, you see, we were just getting so lonely and...
Smaug: SILENCE!!!
*All the Smaugettes gulp at once. Which is actually quite a feat if you think about it. Anyhow, Smaug landed and forced everyone off its back.*
Smaug: You're nothing without me! None of you will ever come near my cave again!
*And thus it is, (with the Smaugettes being disgraced) that within only a few seconds the girls had changed from Smaugettes to common villagers .*
*The penguin, seeing that he was about to become extra crispy, said its prayers to the almighty penguin god....Human 3.14. Smaug then began to draw in breath. The penguin backed up slowly, knowing it couldn't escape. Smaug inhaled deeper. Penguin kept backing up. Smaug was almost ready to blow! And then, by a keen twist of Fate (and narration), the penguin backed up into the leg of a hunter who had drawn its bow and arrow to shoot a rather nasty looking black squirrel across the way (see the Nazquirrel thread). The penguin, startled, jumped into the air. The hunter, startled, turned and accidentaly let loose his arrow. The arrow pierced the penguin's flipper, but kept on flying, and took penguin with it. Then, miraculously, the arrow landed in the one vulnerable spot of Smaug's. And take it from me, it wasn't just where a small chink was missing in the armor above the heart.
Smaug fell over, allowing the penguin to try and remove its flipper from the arrow.

OOC: Part three coming up!

[WiseWizard]

People, not knowing quite what had just happened, were only able to see an arrow in Smaug's unmentioned vulnerable spot, and the Penguin yanking the arrow out. Then the media-infused mass mind took over and created a scenario in their minds where the penguin had stolen an arrow, stuck it out in front of him and flew like a spear straight into the sensitive area.
By the way, it was Smaug's eye. *ha ha!*
Suddenly the shouts from the townspeople were things like "he killed the dragon!" "How valiant!" "Maybe he should be our king!" (This one was actually thrown in by Smaugach, who had found a new best friend in the penguin.)*
Villager: Yeah, we'll call him King....King....
Penguin: Mier. Mier mier mier mier.
Villager: Whatever. KING MIER! KING MIER!
Villagers: KING MIER! KING MIER!
*Just then the Master of Lake Town returns, though he enters from a high point where he is obviously safer (away from the crowd).*
Master: You idiots. I shouldn't have to remind you that there isn't a king around these parts! You guys are so pathetic you only get a Master!
Villager 1: Well, that's fine with me, as long as you're gone!
Villager 2: Up with the penguin, down with the politicians!
Villagers: Up with the penguin, down with the politicians!
*The Master begins to speak, but since everyone was simply too tired of his character they cut him off, stuffed him in a trash can, and made the conclusion for themselves that all of this was the TLA's fault. Though they weren't sure how.........

OOC: Is that a good enough lead in to the Battle of the Five armies? If not, I can either write more or other people can help write it.

[Earniel]

OOC: Just a sidenote, WW. Smaug is Smaugatt here and she has been talking before. Otherwise, well done killing off the dragon. Bye, bye Smaugatt the Golden. Rest in pieces.

*The part of Lake Town that still stands is in turmoil. Some people are parading the penguin around, others suddenly remember all the chocolate that now lies unguarded in the empty factory. The Lonely mountain chocolate always had a good reputation and if the people of Lake Town could sell that chocolate, they could rebuild their city. So slowly they begin to plot for an expedition to the Lonely Mountain, though it would take some days to get the people organised. On the side of the lake a small group of people is walking towards the mountain. They are the dethroned Smaugettes.*

Smaugano: They killed Smaugatt! How rude!

Smaugiana: Yes, that was like totally uncalled for. I mean we were just wreaking a tiny winy havoc. It's not like we were bothering anyone, just torching the city and giving people some fashionable advise. I mean, neon green! Even my granny wouldn't have dared to wear such outdated colours.

Smaugallie: The people of Lake Town just have like no taste. Let's go back to the mountain and dance the can-can. All this humidity makes my mascara run.

Smaugalena: Yeah, I need to brush my hair again.

Smaugarah: Aaaah! Nooooooo!I think I broke a nail! *starts crying and gets conforted by the other Smaugettes*

*The Smaugettes, unaware that the TLA have installed themselves in the mountain again, head out to their former hide-out.*

[Christiana]

Sarah:uhh guys, i dont know about you, but i think i smell something.

Maggie:its perfume!

Tano:wait..but doesnt that mean...

Violet:the Smaugetts arre coming!!!!!!!!

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

OOC: Um, ok. I was Smaugatt, and I was going to die in a flaming ball of glory and marsmellow, but I guess it's all for the best. Now I can still live. Goodie.

OOC2: Wait, remember "Chocolate doesn't cause war, denying TLAers chocolate causes war." Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

*Yes the Smaugetts were returning to their place in the Lonely Mountain. They knew nothing of the TLA or it's residence in their lovely abode. The TLA started to panic.*

*Meanwhile, a short distance away, Katt found herself suddenly ripped from the great dragon Smaug. She felt immeasurable pain until she realized she didn't have a body and it was stupid to be feeling pain when she didn't exist.*

Katt: I always knew I didn't really exist. Ah well, what to do now? I think I'll become a goddess. Yeah! That's it! I'll become the goddess of lost characters!

*At that moment she noticed one of the characters that she was goddess of. It was the penguin formerly known as Human Pie. It was sitting all by it's lonesome self on a rock crying.*

Penguin: *singing and crying* Mier, mier mier mieeeerrr! Mier mier MIER! Mier mier meir mierr...

Katt: What is it singing? *Realizes that because she is a goddess she can understand anything* Oh! Ah, a lament to Zandalf's elf ears. *sighs* The poor creature. However, it is my only ticket back into the story.

*Katt moved towards the penguin but since she didn't exist in the first place, the penguin didn't see her. Katt entered into the penguin, and then had to use all her will to take control of its body.*

Penguin/Katt: Ha. That was easy. Whoa! I can speak! I don't say mier anymore! *Suddenly realizes the irony of where she was* Ha! You were inside me human, and now I am inside you. To the Lonely Mountain! *Waddles off*

*Back in the bar, GandGirl is trying to carry the semi-conscious Zandalf outside.*

GandGirl: Lets get you home. But where is home? Ah, we can use the Lonely Mountain now that Smaug has been expelled and killed. *Stumbles off*

*For the purpose of some plot advancement, the Smaugetts had to go to the hair salon and were beaten to the Lonley Mountan by GandGirl, Zandalf, and Penguin Katt. GandGirl and Zandalf came reeling in first.*

TLA: *Gasps*

Sarah: What happened to him?

GandGirl: He looked into the depths of his sole and what he found was too much to bear.

Tano: That's beautiful. Did you write that?

GandGirl: Naw, heard it on Star Trek.

*All get Zandalf into a bed. Guess who's bed? That's right. Smaugack's. Zandalf started flipping out at the smell of cologne until they moved him to another bed.*

Tano & Maggie: Poor guy.

Rest of TLA: Yeah.

*After a brief pause for a pity session, Penguin Katt waddled in.*

TLA: *Gasps*

Tano: Human!

Maggie: Penguin!

Hannah: Tano?

Tano: Hannah?

Maggie: Tano!

Tano: Maggie?

Maggie: Human!!!

PenguinKatt: Look, can we please just skip the one word exclamations?

TLA: *Gasps*

Allie: It talks?

GandGirl: You talk?

Sarah: What talks?

Allie: It talks!

Sarah: It talks?

Gandgirl: It talks.

PenguinKatt: Enough! I am not a penguin!

Tano: Um, I hate to mention this, but you are Human.

PenguinKatt: No! I am not Human! I am Katt. I am using Human's body to come and warn you of--

Maggie: Katt!

Tano: Katt!

Sarah: Katt?

Tano: Katt!

Hannah: Katt?

Allie: Katt.

Violet: Katt?

GandGirl: Katt....

Finrollum: Preciousssss.....

TLA: *All stare at finrollum* Anyway...

Tano: We thought you were dead or something.

PenguinKatt: I'm not dead. I just don't exist. Human says hi. I came to warn you about-- *pause* Human stop that! *pause* No! *pause* No elf ears! *pause* They are not yours! *pause* Look, we came here to warn them and that's all. *pause* Fine then. *To tano* Arg. She's locked herself in here room again. I keep telling her to cooperate but no she just goes off and pouts and--

Allie: *Grabs PenguinKatt* Listen! If you're gonna warn us of something fine! But I have more important matters. If you have any info as to the whereabouts of the Arkenegg, you better fess up you little--

PenguinKatt: Oh yeah. I know where that is.

Allie: *wildly* WHERE?

PenguinKatt: Can't reveal that. Plot device.

Allie: ARG! *Goes and flops down on a bed*

PenguinKatt: To my message, the Smaugetts are heading your way.

Violet: Well I knew that!

PenguinKatt: Oh, then I guess there's no need to tell you to defend yourselves. Goodbye.

Tano: Wait! Don't leave.

*But it was too late. Katt left the body of PenguinHuman leaving it to cry in Mier talk about stupid goddesses possessing it.*

OOC: I'm thinking Smaugetts storm in and take the chocolate chamber by force. That gets the TLAers mad and they attack. Meanwhile there is a battle going on outside. How does that sound?

OOC2: 4909 characters in this post. That's a record for me!!

[Elf Girl]

GandGirl: So what excactly are we doing, and will it require Zandalf, because I don't think he's available... *eyes Zandalf, who is still unconcious*

Allie: Well everyone else is waiting for the Smaugettes to arrive, but I'm looking for my precious... I mean the Arkenegg.

Gandgirl: Ooh! I know where that is! It's-

Hannah: *glares at GandGirl*

Allie: Where is it? It's where?

Gandgirl: Um, never mind. So about these Smaugettes... *notices that the Smaugettes have entered the Lonely Mountain as they argued* Oops.

[Christiana]

oo=c:remember, we each get to face off with our evil twin1

[Willow Oran]

(The Smaugettes had indeed entered the mountain and were just about to notice the presence of the TLA)

Smaugalena: Wait girls, something smells wrong here.

(she tests the scents in the air and as she does her eyes starts to widen and she grins evilly, it's that evil rabid tiger grin again guys.)

Smaugalena: Someone has intruded while we've been away... They've opened the chocolate factory again.

Smaugano: Who'd wanna do that? Except... you don't think?

Smaugannah: They wouldn't dare, would they?

Smaugallie: They might.

Smaugarah: They would, they're nasty spying little pesks with no fashion sense. They're capable of anything.

Smaugiana: Well, we're capable of more than anything aren't we girls.

Smaugalena: That may be so but this lot is a tricky one. Before we rush in we must plan. As it is they can barricade themselves in and wait until we get crushed between them and the coming villagers. But if we come in from behind them we can frighten them, scatter them and then pick them off one by one.

Smaugano: Ooooh! Diabolical! I like it!

(The Smaugettes quickly agreed. They would scatter them TLA and dispose of them as they wandered in the labyrinth of tunnels that formed the mountain's interior.)

[Tanoliel]

*a faint crash sounds from far away*
Tano: Did you hear that?
Violet: Hear what?
Tano: That noise. They're getting closer.
Sarah: What should we do? We need a plan.
Tano: We'll just have to get rid of them as best we can...aha. There must be one somewhere...*she gets up and starts rummaging in the formerly full drawers of the large bathrooms the Smaugettes had occupied* Oh, here's some eyeshadow, it was stuck in the back....we can toss it on the bonfire. Ah! There we go...
Hannah: What is it?
Tano: It's a curling iron. *she looks around at the expressions of horror on everyone's faces* Yep. Frightening thing, ain't it? That's why it's my special weapon...*she grins evilly* Let 'em come!
Sarah: Is she going crazy or something?
Hannah: No. She's been like this all along, right?



ooc: Yeah...heh. Just wanna channel the goddess for a bit here....

[Nazgûl Queen]

*Acacia, still being in the library, hears sounds from outside.*

Acacia: ...whats going on?

*she sighs and closes the book, putting it in her bag. It was called the Hobbit, and she thought it sounded very interesting... when she heard another banging sound she muttered and went out to see what was happening.*

Sarah: Where have you been?

Acacia: Oh, i was in the library, i found this boo...

Sarah: No time for that now, the smaugettes are coming!

Tano: Can I have some help over here with this bonfire?

*making sure the book is safe, Acacia helps collect mascara and eyeshadow, also finding some beautiful sparkly body glitter.*

Acacia: Urgh. What is this horrible stuff?

Tano: FANTASTIC! They'd NEVER let that be burnt! *take sit out of her hand*

Acacia: Oh... *shrugs and returns to rummaging*

[Finrod Felagund]

Just then Hannah sees Finrollum sneaking out of the treasure chamber, chocolate clutched in each hand, and muttering about his "precious cell phone".

[Finrod Felagund]

Just then Hannah sees Finrollum sneaking out of the treasure chamber, chocolate clutched in each hand, and muttering about his "precious cell phone" and frog.