Temporary Venting Thread

[Rían]

Originally Posted by Spock

The giving out of too much personal information on an open web site is not recommended. Try PM'ing the party if you seek this.

Yeah, I guess that caution is not a bad idea, altho the only reason I asked those questions was so I could answer her question that she was asking parents of grown children (my oldest is 15 - I don't know what she considers "grown", but he's reasonably grown). I forget that there's lurkers here, and not just Mooters.


(I think Rosie is the party - I think Spock meant that I should PM her if I wanted to ask her those things (which I only asked so I could answer her question). But maybe he meant that she should PM me if she wanted me to answer her question...?)

Well, the quick answer (because I have to finish packing) is a lot depends on what you mean by "see your children as responsible people? As capable, intelligent human beings who might be able to hold their own if given a chance?" Also, a lot depends on how old you are, if you're living at home, if you have a job, etc. If, for one extreme, you're 12 and are mad because your mom won't let your boyfriend sleep over, I'd say you're way off base, even if you feel like you're mature. But if you're 22, with a place of your own and supporting yourself, and your mom is just constantly second-guessing you and harping on you, then IMO you have a very valid beef and should talk lovingly but very firmly to your mom about it.

That's about all I can offer with the info I have to go on, which is basically zilch, unfortunately! Good luck! Sounds like you have a good basis to work from, tho, because it sounds like you love each other. From what I hear from my friends with older daughters, there's usually more tension between moms and daughters than dads and daughters, but eventually both sides grow out of it.

[Butterbeer]

well could be wrong but i took Spock to be replying to Rosie ref: giving out personal information ... as is said i thought your questions Rian where the right ones and my only point was that actually spock was adding a very valid reminder as is right ... i wouldn't like to think there were (or propose that) there were 'evil' "lurkers" that were mooters .. without good reason (not that i think that's what you were saying ) but the point is no one (but Rosie) knows how old she is and i think, as we all agree?, its best to err on the safe side if necessary

Rosie ... apologies if we are appearing to be as your mum! NOT the case ... we do not know how old you are ...etc.. for my part from your previous posts i think you are both grounded, mature and funny ... and for my part had never considered the idea you might be younger than i had thought (hadn't actually thought about it till now but there you go!) but spock is right to be careful in terms of this being an all age group board ... the debate here at this momment is really about the sad fact that some care must be taken in general to ensure it is a safe and fun board to post on.

well, this does my head in ... so moving swiftly on ... pm rian for advice when she gets back from ecuador ...

have fun and be carefull all ...

a very dispirited (by these considerations)
BB

[me9996]

I'm going crazy for inspific resons!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Bombadillo]

I never would have expected that to be a problem for you Rosie; you never failed to sound mature on the boards. But what to say to your mom depends on so many different parts of the situation.

In general, I think kids can prove themselves mature enough just by bringing up the topic that you want to talk about, instead of popping it on their parents in reply to one of their requests. It shows, undoubtedly, that you see it as a serious problem, and they are so many times more likely to take you seriously. Then, don't feel afraid to talk for a long, long time. I once discussed my mom's general paranoia for two hours straight when she seemed to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and the conversation went around in circles so many times, and she missed the point so many times, I really couldn't believe it. Which brings me to another point: if you must yell to demonstrate or emphasize a point, do so only for a very crucial point, and be sure to say "with all due respect" or something like that beforehand. Eventually she'll realise you're actually taking the parental role by explaining a valid point to her, and she'll give in (not just give up and dismiss you, but learn to agree with you so your effort will actually pay off and last).

Anyway, that's what's most important to my style of arguments with the parents, and I sincerely hope it helps you, because those situations are horrible. Good luck!

My Vent: This is something that's beyond an argument. What do you do when you really, sincerely, dislike a relative? Very often I find myself thinking, "if that guy wasn't my dad I would hate him." Actually, I try to avoid my dad as much as possible, but you know some things are inevitable. I don't think he's a bad parent necessarily, or even a bad person, but I cannot stand his personality. That's what makes it so excruciating to live with him. For as long as I know him I'll hate him. THere's no getting around that. And I'll know him forever, dammit, and always be in close contact with him. Everywhere he goes, he makes stupid noises and sings stupid songs like an ADHD second-grader off his meds. Inexcusible! And for years, whenever anyone requests that he do something, including my mom, his only response is to make a disgusted face and begin ridiculing the person behind their back, in front of my little brother, stubborn beyond all reason to continue doing nothing productive. And worst of all, he has no idea how much of an asshole he is when he does this, despite all the times throughout his life that I or his own wife point it out to him in obvious distress. He's an oblivious bastard, not one of his traits or tendencies is admirable or remotely good, (worst of all) not a single thing he ever says is worth saying, and I'm doomed to live with him until someone kills him.

My best friends don't notice it at all because they just think he's entertaining. But no; he's like a bad comedian that's "always on." If you truly know him off stage, you can't help but want to bash his face in. If he says "Hey, I'm home," before you can force a smile back, you have to battle an impulse to snap "shut up!" Can anyone think of what I might do to lessen the agony?

It isn't like he's driven me insane already, but I'm realising that I have to spend the rest of my life being awkwardly polite to a person I really don't like so much. That's discomforting.

[Tessar]

My Vent: This is something that's beyond an argument. What do you do when you really, sincerely, dislike a relative? Very often I find myself thinking, "if that guy wasn't my dad I would hate him." Actually, I try to avoid my dad as much as possible, but you know some things are inevitable. I don't think he's a bad parent necessarily, or even a bad person, but I cannot stand his personality. That's what makes it so excruciating to live with him. For as long as I know him I'll hate him. THere's no getting around that. And I'll know him forever, dammit, and always be in close contact with him. Everywhere he goes, he makes stupid noises and sings stupid songs like an ADHD second-grader off his meds. Inexcusible! And for years, whenever anyone requests that he do something, including my mom, his only response is to make a disgusted face and begin ridiculing the person behind their back, in front of my little brother, stubborn beyond all reason to continue doing nothing productive. And worst of all, he has no idea how much of an asshole he is when he does this, despite all the times throughout his life that I or his own wife point it out to him in obvious distress. He's an oblivious bastard, not one of his traits or tendencies is admirable or remotely good, (worst of all) not a single thing he ever says is worth saying, and I'm doomed to live with him until someone kills him.

That would be my dad to a T as well.

The way I look at it: being away from him when I move out will make it something I can stand. If not, then I'll just distance myself as much as possible.

[Bombadillo]

Originally Posted by Tessar

That would be my dad to a T as well.

The way I look at it: being away from him when I move out will make it something I can stand. If not, then I'll just distance myself as much as possible.

Ah, that's right. I remember a couple of your posts where you mentioned him and I was reminded of my own dad.

Yeah, but distancing oneself from their father doesn't sound right either. It seems like a lose-lose scenario, because I can't think of something to improve the situation and anything I might do to lessen its intesity is taboo.

[Tessar]

Originally Posted by Bombadillo

Yeah, but distancing oneself from their father doesn't sound right either.

Why not? I've seen it work before with other people who've distanced themselves from their parents and, as a result, were much happier than they had been before.

[Bombadillo]

I don't know if they're actually happier. I might be wrong, but I'm inclined to think their situations were quite different from ours.

For one thing, it's ethics; if there's a rift beween family members, you're not supposed to' purposely widen it. But more importantly, what when he dies, and you think, "I never let myself get to know my father." Even though he was a moron, that's always something you want to do.

[Tessar]

Originally Posted by Bombadillo

I don't know if they're actually happier. I might be wrong, but I'm inclined to think their situations were quite different from ours.

For one thing, it's ethics; if there's a rift beween family members, you're not supposed to' purposely widen it. But more importantly, what when he dies, and you think, "I never let myself get to know my father." Even though he was a moron, that's always something you want to do.

The rift is already there, isn't it?

And if you dislike the person, you could just as easily go through guilt from having known them too well. I went through a lot of guilt because I was almost glad that my grandfather was dying because he was so unpleasant to everyone in my family. It sounds horrible to say, or even to think, but it's true.

Like you said, I guess, it's just a lose, lose situation.


Right now, what I try to do is just force myself to be pleasant, and to not lash out at my dad every time that he gets on my nerves.

[Bombadillo]

Originally Posted by Tessar

And if you dislike the person, you could just as easily go through guilt from having known them too well. I went through a lot of guilt because I was almost glad that my grandfather was dying because he was so unpleasant to everyone in my family. It sounds horrible to say, or even to think, but it's true.

I have thoughts like that too, about different things, but my dad is too incompetent to be harmful to the extended family. So it's not going to be a big load lifted off the family's shoulder if he dies, just mine, and he'll still have been my dad. IOW, I doubt guilt would be my main emotion; it would probably be pointless reminiscence, thinking about what I might have done differently.

Originally Posted by Tessar

Right now, what I try to do is just force myself to be pleasant, and to not lash out at my dad every time that he gets on my nerves.

Yeah, because it would all be in vain anyway. He never learns.

[EarthBound]

I'm a real priss today, I wore a new dress and heels and no one NO ONE has noticed.....very very shallow today and thin skinned too. The summer intern didn't even notice [plots to foul his donut with pepper].

Rats....why do I even care at all......I need a romantic, fun, hot date and some chocolate!

[Spock]

hmmm, maybe we should start a thread "mirror, mirror, on the wall "

[EarthBound]

Originally Posted by Spock

hmmm, maybe we should start a thread "mirror, mirror, on the wall "

[Throws her BRUSH OF RAGE at Spock]

[Spock]

Originally Posted by EarthBound

[Throws her BRUSH OF RAGE at Spock]

..dusts off the mirror again and gets some chocolate for EB

[EarthBound]

Originally Posted by Spock

..dusts off the mirror again and gets some chocolate for EB

Life saver...

[Lotesse]

Hey, EBound, pop over to the Teacup Cafe and I'll make you a "feel good" capucchino, or whatever you'd like.

[Khamûl]

Time to batten down the hatches.

[Tessar]

Like I said, be safe!

And remember. NO running outside 'just to see if it's actually gone yet'.

[Lotesse]

Oh, whatever.

[Khamûl]

I'll be alright. Everything withstood Opal in '95 and Ivan last year, so I'm sure Dennis will be fine. Just gotta hunker down and wait for it to pass.