The Jokes Thread

[Janny]

I destest my enjoyment of such a narrow minded, men-oppressing joke. Couldn't have been a brunette and ten blondes?
Yeah, v cute Elevengirl

[Beruthiel's cat]

I knew you'd like it, Janny!!! I posted it with you in mind!!


And here's one more to your taste, I think:

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right
tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen spot. After getting comfy on her stool, she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.

Then from the heavens a voice boomed,

''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.

The voice boomed,

''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said,

''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''

The voice answered,

''NO! IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK! "

[Janny]

BWAHAHAHAAAA! I mean, yes, how amusing.
I cna't think of any jokes, hence the slowness of reply... in effect I'm saying, 'keep it up' and *bump*

[Grey_Wolf]

Three men were driving to London in
a noisy old car, and hearing was difficult.
As they neared the city one of them asked:
"Is this Wembley?"
"No, its Thursday." said the second
"Me, too." said the third."Let's stop and have a drink."

[Beruthiel's cat]

Here's a funny list for all you dog-lovers out there:

Your Dog’s Top 10 Pet Peeves

10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. (Now you know why we chew your stuff up while you’re not at home.)

9. Taking me to the vet for “that operation,” then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

8. Dog sweaters. Hello...have you noticed the fur???

7. How you naively believe the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. Have you noticed your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit???

6. Taking me for a walk and not letting me check stuff out. Whose walk is this, anyway??

5. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on the carpet. Why did you buy carpet??

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it!

3. Yelling at me for barking. News flash: I AM A DOG!!!

2. Getting upset when I jump all over your guests. Sorry, but I haven’t quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet...

and you dog’s #1 pet peeve:

1. The slight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain!

[Sister Golden Hair]

Here's a cute one:

A SMART LITTLE GIRL...

Every woman's dream...A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life"? A little girl in the back raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four animals."

The teacher asked "Really? And what four animals would that be"?

The little girl replied, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it." The teacher fainted.

[Beruthiel's cat]

Battle of the sexes...

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked with sarcasm,"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[Mercutio]

Your recent dog/cat posts (Beruthiel's cat) reminded me of this.

Who Moved My Poop? is

A story of change, deprivation and adaptation; drama and hardship; lofty ideals and excruciating suffering, futility and ultimate triumph.

You can read this hilarious short story (supposedly written by a canine) and a comic about its book signing here .

The comic was done by the author of "Rhymes with Orange," if you're familiar with that comic strip.

[Beruthiel's cat]

Originally posted by Mercutio
Your recent dog/cat posts (Beruthiel's cat) reminded me of this.

Who Moved My Poop? is

You can read this hilarious short story (supposedly written by a canine) and a comic about its book signing here .

The comic was done by the author of "Rhymes with Orange," if you're familiar with that comic strip.

Originally posted by Mercutio
Your recent dog/cat posts (Beruthiel's cat) reminded me of this.

Who Moved My Poop? is

You can read this hilarious short story (supposedly written by a canine) and a comic about its book signing here .

The comic was done by the author of "Rhymes with Orange," if you're familiar with that comic strip.

Very cute, Mercutio!! I take issue with the way cats are depicted, but since a mere dog is the author, we can make some allowances. (Besides, dogs usually get so hyper about trivialities that it's not funny! Cats are so much more laid back...)

I'm going to send the link to a friend of mine who teaches at an online college. It should fit into his curriculum very well. He also has a German Shepherd.

[Falagar]

Not really a joke but I almost choked laughing (it's a quote from someone on mIRC):

ubudes: So yesterday me and my friend are taking the subway
ubudes: And there are like 30 huge black guys in the train
ubudes: And we're like these puny white people
ubudes: So we're taking the train and are all quiet
ubudes: And my stop is before my friends
ubudes: So I get off on my stop and while the door is closing I turn around to my friend still inside the train
ubudes: And I go "I'll see you at the rally on Thursday brother. White power!"
ubudes: I haven't seen him since

[Linaewen]

Originally posted by Falagar
Not really a joke but I almost choked laughing (it's a quote from someone on mIRC):

ubudes: So yesterday me and my friend are taking the subway
ubudes: And there are like 30 huge black guys in the train
ubudes: And we're like these puny white people
ubudes: So we're taking the train and are all quiet
ubudes: And my stop is before my friends
ubudes: So I get off on my stop and while the door is closing I turn around to my friend still inside the train
ubudes: And I go "I'll see you at the rally on Thursday brother. White power!"
ubudes: I haven't seen him since

That's good stuff Falagar. I just hope it isn't true, the poor bloke left on the train.

[Elvengirl]

lol That was funny Falagar

Here's a funny one I thought very fitting for a certain number of us Mooters

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Irish coffee from last night, a super size bag of potato chips, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin good I feel...."

[Tessar]

You don't like men, do you Beruthial?

[Beruthiel's cat]

Originally posted by Tessar
You don't like men, do you Beruthial?

I like men just fine, Tessar. I've had the same boyfriend for eight years and don't intend changing any time soon. He's a sweetie. But men can be so ridiculous sometimes. And they are rather blind about their shortcomings (for lack of a better term...)

It's just so much fun to tease them!!!

Edit: I also grew up with two younger brothers...payback is sweet!!!

[Valandil]

Shortcomings? What do you mean by "shortcomings"???

[Beruthiel's cat]

Originally posted by Valandil
Shortcomings? What do you mean by "shortcomings"???

Well...why is it that I have to drag my boyfriend to the mall by the scruff of the neck, then I can't get him to leave the Brookstone store???

Why is it that we have to pull into every car lot on Route 15 and check out the new options on the Audis/Chryslers/Suzukis/Chevys/Fords/Hondas????

Why is it that when I go in to Best Buy to pick up a CD for someone's birthday gift, I can't find him for an hour, then locate him in the HDTV section, wearing a silly smile and drooling while watching a Vin Diesel movie???

And why is it that he whines when I won't stop the car when we pass a hardware store???

[Valandil]

Originally posted by Beruthiel's cat
Well...why is it that I have to drag my boyfriend to the mall by the scruff of the neck, then I can't get him to leave the Brookstone store???

Why is it that we have to pull into every car lot on Route 15 and check out the new options on the Audis/Chryslers/Suzukis/Chevys/Fords/Hondas????

Why is it that when I go in to Best Buy to pick up a CD for someone's birthday gift, I can't find him for an hour, then locate him in the HDTV section, wearing a silly smile and drooling while watching a Vin Diesel movie???

And why is it that he whines when I won't stop the car when we pass a hardware store???

So what exactly is the problem?

[Janny]

Originally posted by Valandil
Shortcomings? What do you mean by "shortcomings"???

Maybe it's the company I keep but [PG-13].

[Beruthiel's cat]

Originally posted by Janny
Maybe it's the company I keep but [PG-13].

I think you should keep some company at the Teacup Cafe right now....

[Beruthiel's cat]

This is a long one, but worth it... I currently work with building inspectors and they loved it...

*************************************************

And you think we have problems with government getting things done!!!!!
This is an actual letter sent to
a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental
Quality, State of Michigan.





Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.



Dear Mr. DeVries:



It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You
have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
activity:



Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond. A
permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files shows
that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has
determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource
and Environmental Protection
Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324..30113 of the Michigan
Compiled Laws, annotated.



The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain
event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find
that
dams of this nature are
inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore
orders you to cease and desist
all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a
free-flow condition by removing all wood and
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work
shall be completed no later than
January 31, 2003.



Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may
be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any
further unauthorized activity on the
site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement
action.



We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter.
Please feel free to contact me at
this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,



David L. Price

District Representative

Land and Water Management Division



** This is the actual response sent back:
**




Dear Mr. Price,



Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.



Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond
to. I am the legal landowner but
not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of
beavers are in the (State
unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris"
dams across the outlet stream
of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise
their dam project, I think they
would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures
building materials "debris." I would like
to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project
any
time and/or any place you
choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever

match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity,
their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.



As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to
the start of this type of dam activity.



My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate
against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2)
do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam
request? If you are not
discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of
Information Act, I request
completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that
have been issued. Perhaps we will
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.



I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The
Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for
said representation -- so the State
will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.



The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams
failed during a recent rain event
causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the
Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling their
dam names. If you want the stream restored" to a dam free-flow
condition
please contact the beavers --
but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any
attention to your dam letter -- they
being unable to read English..



In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as
the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They
have more dam rights than I do to
live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental l Protection lives
up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and
the environment (Beavers' Dams).



So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred or more elevated
enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond
Beavers may be under the
dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to
contact/harass them then.



In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in
the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods.
I
definitely believe you should be
persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.



If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they
dump!)



Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering
machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.



THANK YOU RYAN DEVRIES + THE DAM BEAVERS