The Jokes Thread

[Beruthiel's cat]

Here's one a friend just sent me:

________________

One day, while a seamstress was sewing beside a river, her thimble fell into the rushing water. When she
cried out, the Lord appeared and asked "Why are you crying"?

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the river, and she needed the thimble to make her living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble", the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No".

Again, the Lord went down and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble", the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No".

The Lord went down again and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble", the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes".

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress
went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress and her husband were walking along the riverbank, and her husband fell into
the rushing water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying"?

"Oh, Lord, my husband has fallen into the river", she replied.

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband", the Lord asked.

"Yes", cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth"!

The seamstress replied, "Oh forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to
Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up
with my husband. Had I then said 'yes', you would have given me all three. Lord I am a poor woman, and am
not able to take care of three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson".

The moral of this story is: When a woman lies, it is for a good and honourable reason and for the benefit of others.

(That's our story and were sticking to it.)

[Rían]

Good one, BC!!

[Mercutio]

Philosophy joke:

One day, Rene Descartes walked into a bar. The bartender asked him if he could get him a drink. Descartes replied "I think not." Poof he dissapeared.

If you don't get it (don't feel bad):

Descartes famously stated "I think therefore I am." Thinking proved his existence.

[Janny]

Hmm... that looks like a girl's joke to me!
(I thought it was good though! )

BC, I'm now concerned by the use of the joke medium to make feminist / political / grown up world type points!

Anyway...
*expectant silence for Janny's joke*

The Lib Dems

hehehehehehe!!!







With apologies

[Beruthiel's cat]

Originally posted by Janny

BC, I'm now concerned by the use of the joke medium to make feminist / political / grown up world type points!

With apologies

I'm not really making any point, Janny. I just thought it was funny (in my very old, grown up, feminist, politically correct way, of course....).

(of course, I'd expect a male to react, since they don't really understand...)

[Tessar]

Hermmm... maybe it's just because I'm not a grown up () But I thought it was funny Beruthial!

[Beruthiel's cat]

Janny --

Perhaps you will find this slightly more to your taste. It is neither political, feminist or particularly grown up.

(I might, however, call it more "felinist" than "canineist", however...)


~~~~~~~~

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

It depends on the breed of course!



Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out
bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to
code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little
circle. . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people
from the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed any,
and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take
advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a
light bulb?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there .

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


The Cat's Answer:

"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?" (ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF).

[Janny]

I hope you didn't get me wrong! I really did like your joke.
At least you all now know to accuse me of having a man's approach, not just a relatively dumb female's one.

[Beruthiel's cat]

Originally posted by Janny
I hope you didn't get me wrong! I really did like your joke.
At least you all now know to accuse me of having a man's approach, not just a relatively dumb female's one.

Do I smell smoke, young man???

Beware!! SGH might be lurking about with her stick...

Here's another cat/dog joke for your perusal... (and it gives men and women equal digs...)

What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a
block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a
kiss.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

[Khamûl]

Originally posted by Mercutio
One day, Rene Descartes walked into a bar. The bartender asked him if he could get him a drink. Descartes replied "I think not." Poof he dissapeared.

That's hilarious. I'm going to tell that to a bunch of people and see what kind of looks I get.

[Beruthiel's cat]

Originally posted by Mercutio
Philosophy joke:

One day, Rene Descartes walked into a bar. The bartender asked him if he could get him a drink. Descartes replied "I think not." Poof he dissapeared.

I tried this out last night on the group of friends I get together with for dinner twice a week. The group consists of an electrical engineer, a medical transcriptionist, a guy who's studying for his MFA in photography, a college instructor and me, the secretary.

They loved it!!!

[Janny]

I had to explain the Descartes joke 4 times to my friends! (They liked it when they got it tho, dumb 16 year olds...)

BC, ambiguous phrasing... I meant it was a just the view of a regular man, not the view of a stupid woman, in that they were on a par... What is 'smoke' about anyway... I know nothing.

[Falagar]

A nice one, from ACoK.

Edd: "I never win anything. The gods always smiled on Watt, though. When the wildlings knocked him off the Bridge of Skulls, somehow he landed in a nice deep pool of water. How lucky was that, missing all those rocks?"
Grenn: "Was it a long fall ? Did landing in the pool of water save his life?"
Edd: "No. He was dead already from that axe in his head. Still it was pretty lucky missing all those rocks."

[Beruthiel's cat]

Originally posted by Janny


BC, ambiguous phrasing... I meant it was a just the view of a regular man, not the view of a stupid woman, in that they were on a par... What is 'smoke' about anyway... I know nothing.

Keep digging, Janny!!!

(I'm going to find another joke to post now...keep digging until I get back...)

[Valandil]

Originally posted by Janny
I had to explain the Descartes joke 4 times to my friends! (They liked it when they got it tho, dumb 16 year olds...)

Well you know... it WAS sort of silly for Descartes to walk into a bar and NOT want a drink. I mean... what was he THINKING??? He sort of set himself up for what happened to him, I suppose.

[Beruthiel's cat]

Okay, Janny. You can stop now. But this joke is a bit PG-13, so you little ones must avert your gaze...

CHICKENS

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too but on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!! Zeb went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.

[Janny]

*Cries at BC's humour... but I did recently order a JCB... *

Falagar, very good! What's ACoK?

On the topic of Decartes:
I think I think, therefore I think I am.

[Falagar]

ACoK - A Clash of Kings (second book in A Song of Ice and Fire).

When I think of it the quote may have been in the third one...

[Elvengirl]

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"



I thought it was funny

[Beruthiel's cat]

It's cute, Elvengirl!! I like it!!

Here's one I found. (Janny should love this one!!! )


Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and
one
woman. The rope was
not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to
leave, because otherwise they
were all going to fall.

They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very
touching speech. She said that
she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was
used to giving up everything
for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to
always
making sacrifices with
little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their
hands.......