Tolkien Lover Anonymous 3, The Sil(ly)marillion

[Count Comfect]

Tano: Oh, all right.

*And the TLA positioned itself in a convenient nearby bunker with very very good radar and telescopic sights to see what would happen*

Melian: He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not...

Eärniel: What the heck is she doing?

Melian: Why did I marry a man who blames my chocolate (chocoyummycocoammmmmmmmmm) fixation for every time he doesn't want to pay for something? Is this really a worthwhile relationship?

Arcala: I think she's considering dumping Thingol...

Melian: Wouldn't I be happier back in Valinor?

Willow: I can't take this any more *comes out of the bunker, stands right next to Melian* MAYBE YOU WOULD. Just get some plot movement here, please. Geez.

[Earniel]

Melian: *stares* You think?

Eärniel:*also coming out of bunker* We-ell, it'll be a moot question soon anyway...

Melian: *confused* How?

Eärniel: Eh, a bit too sensitive an area to explain right now. But it'll be dead obvious in a few hours. Anyway, why don't you come into our bunker for a moment? That way at least you'll survive.

Melian: Survive what?

Willow: Great going, Eärniel. Now she knows Menegroth is going to be destroyed by little grumpy bearded men.

Melian: What?!

Eärniel: Willow! She didn't until you said it! But at least we didn't mention Thingol won't survive it either.

Melian: WHAT?!

Willow: *raises eyebrow* Again, good job, Eär.

Eärniel: *hits head with palm* D'oh!

Ren: *grumbles* And I get to save the day once again. *yells* Hey, Melian! We got tasty chocolate inside the bunker! Come and get!

*Melian, being the chocoholic the TLA turned her into, falls for it and enters the bunker. The TLA quickly closes the door and holes up for the battle, which then takes place. Melian is distracted by chocolate and Miriam's free marrital advice. Meanwhile outside the safety of the bunker Thingol gets sacked, Menegroth gets sacked and the Dwarves depart with their loot to their own homes while singing Hi-Ho.*

Eärniel: Hi-Ho?

*Wouldn't you sing when you get to go home laden with gold and riches?*

Eärniel: Ah. Good point.

[Count Comfect]

Tano: Wait, isn't there some bit about how Beren and Morauthien and Dior come and kick Dwarven butt right about now?

Eärniel: Sure, but do YOU want to be the one that reminds them that we exist by going and getting them?

Tano: Ummm...

Eärniel: Exactly.

[Earniel]

Melian: *with full mouth* Is there more chocolate?

Eärniel: I know! We can send Melian to warn Beren and Morauthien!

Arcala: Melian? Why her?

Eärniel: She did it in the Book of Lost Tales.

Tano: But we're doing the Sillymarillion. I'm planning on going through the entire HoME-series as well!

Eärniel: *shrugs* It's her or us.

*And so Melian quickly finds herself outside the bunker, with a map detailing how to get to Beren's and Morauthien's home and with the comment that her daughter might have loads of chocolate. And within days, Beren gathers a force to teach the singing Dwarves a lesson about raiding his father-in-law's city.*

[Count Comfect]

Beren: *grumble* Stupid dwarves. Hadn't been for them, we STILL have a mountain of chocolate back home. Literal mountain. But noooo, they had to destroy Doriath, and so here comes the mother-in-law...

Morauthien: *through chocolate* Wha wa tha?

Beren: Nothing. Hey, you, dwarf!

Dwarf: Yes?

Beren: Yeah, you. Give me everything you took from Doriath.

Dwarf: Riiiight. I suppose you'll be wanting us to just hand it over without a fight, won't you? Just so you can ponce back to where-ever-it-is-you-come-from with our hard won loot?

Beren: That was the idea, yes.

[Earniel]

Dwarf: You and what army?

Beren: How about this one?

*Beren whistles on his fingers and many laiquendi-elves materialise out of virtually nowhere, all with a drawn bow aimed at the Dwarf. The Dwarf carefully tests one arrowhead with his finger for sharpness and swallows hard.*

Dwarf: Ahem... I suppose we can't talk about it, no?

Beren: You've got that right. No.

Dwarf: Ah, well then. *puts down bags of gold and loot* Nice meeting you, but jeez, look at the time. I really have to get going. Bye! *runs for his life*

Beren: One down, a few hundred to go.

[Count Comfect]

*And so Beren and co. go one by one through the Dwarves, getting the treasure*

Dwarf King: I think NOT. This treasure is mine.

Beren: *sigh* Alright. Shoot.

Dwarf King: Uuuuuurk. I curse all the treasure of Thingol except (conveniently) the Nauglimir and its attendant Sillymaril. *dies*

*And Beren washes the blood of the Dwarf King off of the Nauglimir, giving it to Morauthien to wear*

Morauthien: Pretty!

[Earniel]

* However since Melian is definitely not considering moving out again (much to Beren's despair) they now have a kingdom to spare.*

Beren: Hm, who's going to rule Doriath now?

Dior: oooh! Pick me! Pick me!

Beren: I mean we can't go, we're happy here. And Morauthien doesn't like moving. But somebody has got to take care of all the Sindar there.

Dior: Me! Me! Pick me!

Beren: Maybe I should have asked Mablung, but obviously he died....

Dior: Da-aaaad! Me!

Beren: It should be a decendant of Thingol, but Morauthien was Thingol's only child and she doesn't want to. Hm, though choice....

Dior: Me! Me! I'm an heir too! Me!

Morauthien: What about Dior?

Dior: Yes! Me! Let me go!

Beren: Him? Nah, he'll never like it.

Dior: Will you listen to your son?!

*And after much ignoring his son, Beren finally sees reason and Dior is installed as the new king of Doriath.*

[Count Comfect]

*And Dior reigned for many years, although his father never really did stop ignoring him. Then one day, a messenger came*

Messenger: Package for Dior. Package for Dior.

Dior: That's me.

Messenger: Package for Dior. Is there a Dior here?

Dior: THAT'S ME.

Messenger: Oh well, guess there's no Dior. I'll have to come back tomorrow.

Dior: *shakes Messenger* RIGHT HERE.

Messenger: Oh. Sign here.

*And Dior opened it, and took out what was in it, and it was the Nauglimir*

Dior: Ooooooh, shiny!

*cough*

Dior: What?

*The TLA, bored after years of not doing anything, rush in*

Willow: That means your PARENTS ARE DEAD.

Dior: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

[Earniel]

*After expelling the TLA from Menegroth, Dior does some proper mourning and wears from now on the upgraded Nauglamir.*

Eärniel: *looks from hidingplace at Dior* Actually, he's quite a handsome fellow and I bet that Nauglamir is very handy in bed... for night time reading, of course. *coughs*

*And Dior marries Nimloth.*

Eärniel: *sighs sadly* I'll never get of the street...

*And together they have two sons and a daughter. Everything is bliss and happiness in Menegroth.*

Willow: Ha! That'll never last...

*But it was not to be...*

Willow: Told you.

*For news that the son of Morauthien wears a Sillymaril in Doriath finally reaches Maedhros' ears.*

[Count Comfect]

Willow: Claedhros.

*Alright, alright, so his name is changed. You didn't change it in my promptbook*

Tano: Shut up and deal with it.

*Anyway, CLaedhros hears of it*

Claedhros: Actually, don't think there's much of a problem. That whole Sillymaril thing was just overrated.

Celegorm: WHAT? YOU PULING WIMP!

*And Celegorm leads the army of the Sons of Feanor against Doriath. Meanwhile*

Dior: Look, Elwing, pretty bobble!

Elwing: Goo! *grabs*

Dior: That's my NAUGLIMIR!

*Elwing runs and hides*

Eärniel: That's going to turn out useful when that army gets here...

OOC: Don't mean to be meanspirited (hehe, pun there) about Claedhros, I just like the "arguing with the narrator" conceit and wanted to use it again.

[Earniel]

OOC: No worries, I had forgotten that we TLA-dified Maedhros, this way there's more continuity.

IC:

Random Doriath Elf: My Lord DÃ*or! There's a messenger from Celegorm wanting to speak with you.

DÃ*or: I don't have time for this. My daughter just run off with my greatest treasure.

Random Doriath Elf: But...

DÃ*or: I said, I don't have time! Go and tell that messenger to go away. I'm having important things to take care of right now. I'll deal with it when I've found that thieving daughter of mine.

*And so DÃ*or sent no reply to Celegorm's demand for the Sillymaril. And Celegorm was very annoyed by this and led his forces in an attack on Doriath.*

[Count Comfect]

*And Celegorm and his forces rode to Doriath, and there was a great slaughter of elf by elf, only the second of its kind in the life of the world. And Celegorm and two of his brothers were slain, along with Dior, Nimloth and their two sons. Still, Elwing, who still had the Nauglimir, escaped unscathed. But Doriath was an utter ruin*

Eärniel: Well, no point in staying here any longer.

Willow: Let's go.

[Earniel]

GG: Where to? I forgot what comes next.

Eärniel: *gets excited* Oooh! I know! I know! Now comes the most beautiful story of the Sillymarillion! Tuor and the fall of Gondolina! We can go and see the famous fountains, climb the King's Tower, oggle Tuor and... and..

Willow: ... and we missed it.

Eärniel: Yes, and then we... WHAT?! We missed it?! No!

Tano: *shrugs* That's the difficulty with the Sillymarillion, you just can't be at two places at the same time.

Eärniel: *upset* Nooooo! We can't have just missed it! It's one of my favorite tales! *grabs Willow's collar and shakes the faery* Willow! You're smart! Do something!

Willow: Let go of me, you ninny, you'll damage my wings!

Eärniel: *lets go* Sorry... but Gondolina... *pouts sadly*

Willow: Knock that out. I may know a way but it'll be difficult. I still have that VCR-remote, remember. But the batteries have worn down. If we can somehow replace them, then we could rewind and see the tale.

Arcala: New batteries? Well, that can't be that difficult. All we have to do is find the nearest grocery store and...

Ren: In First Age Middle-earth?

Arcala: Oh. I guess not then.

[Count Comfect]

Tano: I know, I've got it!

Others: What?

Tano: Darn, I thought I had it... oh, wait. Yeah. Mr. Nelson!

Willow: What about him?

Tano: He's from our time, right? That means he probably has a stash of stuff from our time to help Morgoth. And that probably in turn means BATTERIES.

Eärniel: Coo. Off we go then. Gondolina *sigh*

[Earniel]

Arcala: Wait, we're going to break into Angband again? Have you forgotten Mr. Nelson pointed a gun at us the last time we ran into him?

Willow: *scratches head* Well, we came here sort of to stop him from spreading modern technology in Middle-earth...

Eärniel: And we're not planning on meeting Mr. Nelson face to face right now, we're going after his batteries. But we *grins* could trash his workshop while we're at it. I bet he has tafida curtains too.

*And so the TLA head back to Morgoth's lair. They sneak unseen through the ashen wastes to the front door of Angband.*

[Count Comfect]

*The TLA, in want of any better plan, knocks on the door.*

Door-orc: Hello, welcome to Angband, how may I help you?

Ren: Is it wearing ... a fast-food worker uniform?

Door-orc: Yes, I am. Stop staring at me! *it breaks down into tears*

Tano: Wait, what's wrong?

Willow: Are you trying to Help It? It's an ORC.

Tano: So? It's obviously going through some mental trauma.

Door-orc: I don't know when it started. Morgoth issued some order about how "the service industry has always been the greatest evil" or something and from now on we have to wear these stupid brightly colored cotton cloths with name tags instead of good, old-fashioned armour! *sobs*

Tano: There, there. *to the TLA* sneak around while it cries. This must be Mr. Nelson's doing. *to Orc* I'm sure it will be all right...

[Earniel]

Willow: Psst, Tano. *beckons* Let's go.

Tano: *with a final sympathetic pat of the orc's back* You'll see, tomorrow will be better... *gives the door-orc a hanky before slipping inside Angband*

Arcala: So far so good... But which way now?

Eärniel: We could, you know, follow the arrows. *points to big arrow saying: "To Mr. Newton's Workshop"*

Arcala: Road signs in The Lair of All Evil? Whatever next?

Eärniel: What about teamspirit-building posters? *points to a poster featuring a grinning orc in a fast-food outfit with the slogan: "New ways to Evil, join the Mordor-orcs!"*

Arcala: That's just scary.

Ren: Not to mention very bad marketing. Morgoth should fire whoever is doing his advertising for him.

Eärniel: Let's not waste too much time admiring the decoration. The faster we get out here, the better for what little that remains of our sanity.

*Following the arrows they soon come to a closed door with the label: Mr. Nelson's Workshop. Do NOT enter!*

Tano: This should be it... let's hope Mr. Nelson isn't in.

[Count Comfect]

*Random moans come from within the door*

Willow: I thinnnnnk he might be in.

*On hearing her voice, the moans stop. The door begins to creeeeeeak open*

Arcala: Screw that. *pulls the door open the rest of the way to reveal... a young man*

Young Man: Thank GOD you've come. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life in here.

Tano: Who the hell are you?

Young Man: I... I can't remember. I was heading to some sort of meeting, yes, a meeting, and it was about something ... started with a T... anyway, I got there and the door was locked. Then this man came around the corner and said he could take me where the meeting was... and the next thing I knew I was here.

Eärniel: Excuse me. TLA huddle!

*whispered conversations about what this mean commence*

OOC: I said I wanted to have my real character show up. Here goes.

[Willow Oran]

OOC: MISSED Gondolin? I don't think so...

IC

Earniel: He seems alright, we may as well take him with us, I mean, why not?

Willow: Why not?! He's a random guy in our enemy's workshop saying he came here while looking for us! Have you ever heard a more suspicious excuse? He could be a spy!

Tano: He doesn't look like one...

Willow: Yes he does. Just look at that mangy beard! *she turns to the man and glares ferociously* I'll bet you're a dirty, double-crossing, bastard hired by Nelson to pretend to be our friend only to betray us at a crucial moment!

YM: What? But I would never-

*He is cut off as Willow slaps him hard across the face*

Willow: Don't lie, I've seen your type before.

*She would have gone on but is stopped by Tano.*

Tano: Willow- whoa. Just chill. He's not a threat. Really.

Willow: *Murderously* Fine.

Tano: Um... yeah, she's not terribly happy with human boys right now... you can guess why. Anyway, it's alright with me if you come along, but I think you'll have to work really hard to prove yourself. For your own safety as well as ours you see. Suspicion and paranoia just aren't healthy, especially around here.

YM: Are you sure? She's not going to hit me again is she?

Willow: That depends. Behave yourself and we'll get along fine. If not...

Tano: She's really more forgiving than she appears, but you seem to have triggered something. Anyway...

Earniel: Batteries.

Willow: Right, I see some over there.

*She shoves past the man and grabs the batteries, shoving them into place.*

Willow: Let's get out of here. Everyone ready for this?

Ren: I think so.

Tano: Yeah.

Earniel: Sooner the better.

Willow: *Pushes the rewind button* To Gondolin.

OOC: My apologies for the outburst, it needed to be let out.