Tolkien Lover Anonymous 3, The Sil(ly)marillion

[Count Comfect]

TLA: Oh no! She's stripping! *They all jump on Mablung to stop him following*

Tano: Bad elf.

*Nienor runs through the woods naked, but becomes exhausted. Duh. She's running through the woods. Anyway, she lies down on a mound. Counturambar comes through the woods with his band, now known as the Darnit Group, LLC*

Counturambar: *whistling Gilbert and Sullivan* Holy ... that's a naked woman!

LLC: Let's take her home!

Counturambar: Deal. But we will have to get her clothes at some point.

LLC: Darn it.

Counturambar: Now you're getting into the spirit of things.

*Of course, due to his Darn it joke, the Willow/Morgoth curse kicks in once more*

[Earniel]

*So they take her home, and after undergoing much angry glares and elbow nudges of the wives of the Wild Men, they give her some clothes too.*

Nienor: *waking up* Where I am? *thinks* On second thoughts, let's starts with "Who am I?" and then continue to "Why am I here?"

Counturin: Why we're here; now that's really a question we'd all like to know the answer to. And a tough one to start discussing right after one has woken up.

Nienor: *stares* You're wierd. I didn't mean the philosofical 'why am I here'.

Counturin: Oh.

*crickets*

Counturin: You don't remember anything?

Nienor: *sniffs* All I can remember is left and right.... left and right... left and right...

Counturin: *to the LLC* Hey, she speaks my language! *to Nienor* Since you don't remember anything, you can stay with us, I will call you Bunny- er Ninny- I mean Niniel! And you don't have to wear clothes very often.

Nienor: Shut up.

Counturin: *sighs* And that's always the final answer I get. Still, can't blame a man for trying....

[Count Comfect]

*So Nienor/Niniel stayed with Counturin Counturambar and the Darn It LLC. For three years. And during those three years Niniel and Counturin grew close.*

Niniel: Counturin?

Counturin: *blushes, coughs*

Niniel: COUNTURIN!

Counturin: *weakly* yes?

Niniel: Do you think this looks better in red or blue?

Counturin: Well, I think the blue, but not to say that the red looks bad on you because you know everything looks good on you and (god I can't believe I said that) you know that I think that and I guess the blue still looks better but that's not to say (as I said before) that either one mitigates your already ethereal beauty (did I just say that? Was that me) and I don't know and *turns into a melting pile of embarrassment*

Niniel: Ummm... I think that meant the blue. *puts it on, dances*

[Earniel]

*However Morgoth soon learns that Counturin is thus actually having quite the time of his life (Saurokatt finally reported it, it did take her three years to build up the required courage.) And wanting to prevent Ulrica (who has visiting some far off beach in Harad) from finding out he contacts Glaurukatt again over the phone that Mr. Nelson very craftily installed between Angband and Narfrenchrond (the city formerly known as Nargothrond).*

Morgoth: You let Counturin get away, you worthless froggie!

Glaurukatt: Am Dragon, not frog. Izz differènce. You zee, dragons ar reptiles, des grenouilles are-

Morgoth: *interrupts* Whatever, I want you to go, find Counturin and make his life miserable.

Glaurukatt: Mais what about mee citee?

Morgoth: Find Counturin, make his life miserable, make him dead before my wife finds out and you can crawl back in that tafida-curtained lair of yours for the rest of the First Age as far as I'm concerned.

Glaurukatt: Yeay! Merci, boss. Consider eet done.

Morgoth: And loose the terrible accent! *slams down phone*

[Count Comfect]

*And Glaurung went after Counturin*

LLC: Umm... Counturin?

Counturin: What? This is a bad time. Can't you see I'm marrying Niniel?

LLC: Umm... Glaurung?

Counturin: My name's not... oh. Bugger.

LLC Member: No, it's Darn it. But you still have to fight.

*And Counturin went forth to meet Glaurung in battle, taking with him the unfortunate LLC Member who had make the Darn it joke. Or, since someone had kicked a little sense into him (must have been Nienor), to sneak up on the dragon and ambush it*

[Earniel]

*Soon they reach the bottom of a cleft that Glaurukatt was sure to cross in order to reach the LLC-settlement. However the climb to the top of the cleft was perilous, and fumes of the approaching dragon's heavy French perfume made seeing difficult. And thus it is that the LLC-member slipped and fell into the deep.*

LLC-member: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! *splut*

Counturin: Darn it.

*So Counturin must wait alone until the dragon comes. The fumes get thicker and the smell worse as Glaurukatt nears the cleft. Counturin draws his sword.*

Glaurukatt: Aw look, a harmless leetle cleft. Ouat can posseeblee happen if I cross thawt?

*Glaurukatt crosses the cleft where Counturin is hidden. Seeing the dragonbody pass overhead, Counturin goes into hero-mode and stabs at the dragon's belly. *

Glaurukatt: Argl. Can anybowdy peut-être phone 911?

*As the dying dragon pulls itself over the cleft and collapses in a heap on the other side, Counturin triumphantly climbs out of the cleft as well.*

Counturin: Hah! So much for Glaurukatt the Glorious! I can't believe it, I actually won! Go me! *reaches for his sword that is still lodged in the dragon's belly* I'm invincible!

Counturin's curse: That's what you think. *kicks*

*When Counturin's pulls the blade from Glaurukatt's belly, a splash of poisonous dragon blood touches his hand. Being the wuss he is, Counturin faints dramatically.*

[Count Comfect]

*Back at LLC Camp*

Nienor: He said he'd send his comrade back with news!

LLC Member: Umm... I'm sure he will?

Nienor: Shut up. I'm sure he's in trouble. Let's go!

*And so Nienor, pursued by the LLC Member, ran to the cleft*

Nienor: That's my husband! And that hypnotic dragon!

Glaurukatt: Ah, zis must be zee 911 medique. Oh, it is júst that stupid Húrinspawn #2.

Nienor: *sobbing*

Glaurukatt: I will explain zis to you...

[Earniel]

Nienor: *bandaging Counturin's hand* Explain what?

Glaurukatt: There iz another.... sky...walker.

Nienor: *confused* Huh?

Glaurukatt: Crud, ze wreung universe... Nienor daughter of Hurin, meet your frère Counturin, son of Hurin and incidentally your husband. Some shocker eh? Hahaha - errrgl... *dies*

*And with these words a veil is lifted from Nienor's clouded memory.*

Nienor: I remember... *kicks dead dragon* Darn it!

LLC-member: *points to Counturin* No, he's right here.

*But obviously that wasn't the right thing to remind Nienor of right now. Filled with disgust, she runs away and throws herself off the first waterfall she comes across.*

LLC-member: Oh, bugrit.... they're so going to blame me for this. I'm out of here. *hikes back quickly to the settlement to inform everyone of the deaths of Counturin and Nienor.*

[Count Comfect]

*Meanwhile, Counturin awakes*

Counturin: Ah, what a nice sleep. A bit painful, but otherwise... eww, what's that stench *looks over at Glaurung's dead body* Oh. Right. *looks down* And that looks like... Nienor! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

*While screaming and running about he trips over his sword. Dies. Heroically. By which I mean stupidly. After some very confused explanations at the LLC Camp, the LLC members come to the spot, find Counturin dead as well, and put up a plaque at the spot where Counturin is buried. It reads*

Counturin Counturambar
Darn It
Master of Stupidity, by Stupidity Mastered
Hero

*They also put one up to Nienor/Niniel, without the disparaging comments*

[Earniel]

*The TLA visit the grave of Nienor and Counturin.*

Arcala: Thus is the end of the sad tale of Counturin and Nienor, children of Hurin.

Ren: Sort of, anyway. It's a bit of a pity, really. Okay, so he was a bit on the stupid side in hero-mode, but...

Eärniel: Forget about him, let's do something fun for a change, we've been burrying people a lot lately. I know! *cheerful* Let's go to Doriath! Menegroth was always one of my favorite places! we could take a bit of a holiday there.

Maggie: Um.... *whispers to Tano* Should we tell her, it's going to be destroyed soon?

Tano: Dunno if that's a good idea...

Eärniel: *suspicious* Why are you whispering behind my back?

Maggie and Tano in unison: No reason!

Katt: Shouldn't we wait for Hurin and Morwen to come?

Arcala: No, let's not, he might blame us for it. After all, we get blamed for a lot of things... I wonder why?

Maggie: Maybe because we also did all those thing?

Arcala: Yeah, that could be it... So, Doriath?

Maggie: Doriath it is, let's go.

*And so the TLA trots off to ... well, do I really have to spell it out for you people? Doriath of course!*

[Count Comfect]

*Back at Morgoth's castle*

Ulrica: Morgoth, are you ever going to take my donation to the Evil Secondhand Store?

Morgoth: I thought I told you to STOP ASKING ME THAT. I'll do it later.

Ulrica: But there's this manthing here, he's just sitting here collecting dust, and I thought maybe we could trade him in for a new minion or something.

Morgoth: Hmm... maybe you're right. OK, OK, I'll do it.

*And so Morgoth let Hurin out of his clutches*

[Arcala]

*So Hurin is walking along, hair and beard really really white and long, because Morgoth didn't believe in haircuts. So if he gets mistaken for Gandalf, it's not MY fault. Just so you know. But anyway, Hurin was walking along, and he walked for a really really long time, and then he - *

Hurin: Would you just shut up?! Stop talking! No one pays any attention to me! I should be the center of attention! I-

*Yes?*

Hurin: I think I just broke a nail.

*...*

Hurin: Oh yeah! Turgon knows how to heal broken nails, right? I'm going to pay him a little visit then. *walks off*

*It's in THAT direction...*

Hurin: Shut up. I knew that.

OOC: After I reread this, I get the feeling it's heading for the destruction of Gondolin instead. Uh... ?

[Count Comfect]

*And so Hurin came to the Gondolin Metropolitan Area, the area around Gondolin where you could not actually SEE Gondolin*

Hurin: Hey, TURGON! It's me, your old pal Hurin! And I remembered your excellent manicurists, and I have this nail problem, so...

Turgon *from nowhere visible*: This is the chapter about Doriath, not Gondolin. We don't need any adventures here, thank you. Nasty, annoying, uncomfortable things. Make you late for dinner.

Hurin: Wha?

*And so Hurin turned his face from Gondolin, but Morgoth had heard, and knew of Gondolin*

[Earniel]

*Grumbling about Elven inhospitality Hurin came at last to Nargothrond that was empty after Glaurung was killed by Turin (that at least, he did right). However it wasn't entirely empty since Mime the Dwarf had taken up residence on Glaurung's tacky golden bed.*

Mime: Mine! All mine! Get out! No visitors allowed.

Hurin: Hey! I know you, you're the shorty that betrayed my son. I saw it on Morgoth's television.

Mime: Uh-uh...

*And so Hurin slays Mime and takes some valuable items from the dragon's hoard. With a new mission in mind, he turns to Doriath at last, determined to have a few words with Thingol about the treatment Turin received by Saeros.*

[Count Comfect]

OOC: We seem to have skipped Morwen. Sad. Shall we stick their reunion in here after the Thingol bit I'm just about to do?

Thingol: Hey, Hurin! I thought you were dead, man!

Hurin: Here, I have something for you *mutters* no-good-foster-parent

Thingol: Oooh, presents! What?

Hurin: Have treasure that my son was responsible for after you CRUELLY MISTREATED HIM so that HE ENDED UP DEAD.

Thingol: Umm... not sure how THAT works out. I treated him as my son. He ran away even after I pardoned him for killing Saeros.

Hurin: Um.... oh. Well, you can have the treasure, for real.

[Earniel]

*And so Hurin leaves the treasure with Thingol who is more than glad to accept it (and to use it to pay for his wife's chocolate addiction). However Hurin declines the King's offer to stay and spend the rest of his days in Menegroth and he leaves straight away. He finds his way back to the grave of his children, however somebody else has found it too.*

Morwen:*rising from her seat* You're late.

Hurin:The story of my life, I fear.

Morwen: But in the least you're on time to see me off.

Hurin: *surprised* But you never liked traveling much, Morwen. And certainly at your age now...

Morwen: No, I mean I'm dying.

Hurin: Uh. That sucks.

Morwen: Yeah. Sort of. Come sit beside me, keep me company till tomorrow.

*Hurin does as he's told and together they sit throughout the night. And in the morning Hurin finds himself alone again. He buries Morwen next to their children and leaves, never to be seen again in Middle-earth.*

[Count Comfect]

*Back in Beleriand*

Thingol: Woah, there's this one really cool necklace here in this treasure. Don't think I'm gonna sell this one for my little chocoholic.

*The TLA, tired of not being in their own story, sneak into the back of the hall*

Eärniel: *whispers* Oh no, here we go...

Thingol: I wonder what this would look like with a Sillymaril in it...

[Arcala]

Earniel: Wait, why is he not supposed to do that?

Counturin (or Darnit): I seem to remember that something bad would happen to him if he did.

Arcala: ...really? Where's the script?

Willow: Too late! He's going to the dwarves already.

Arcala: ...uh...script?

[Count Comfect]

OOC: Counturin, regrettably, just died. Going to have to come up with some sort identity for myself, but this one is dead. I sent flowers to my own burial. Anyway.

Thingol: You. Shorty.

Dwarf: I really don't suggest you take that tone of voice with me, Mr. "Oh, Look, I Got a Sillymaril AND Got Rid of My Daughter".

Thingol: Shut up. Now, I want this Sillymaril on this necklace, and I want it delivered to my palace from this dank place ASAP. Capisce?

Dwarf: Actually, Italian is not a Middle Earth language. But sure thing. Get right on it. *mutters* King of the Thousand Caves my tuchas. Wouldn't know a cave if it came up, hit him in the nose, and sang an aria entitled "I'm so glad to be a cave"

[Earniel]

*and so the Dwarves labour hard to furfill Thingol's wish. The TLA decide at this point to take a well-earned vacation. Although they soon complain about the lack of sun or even a solarium in the caves of Menegroth. They are by then more than glad that the Dwarves have accomplished their task at last.*

Dwarf #1: May I present you the upgraded Nauglamir, now with integrated sillymaril (batteries not included) and with 3 years of garantee?

Thingol: Yeay! Gimme!

Dwarf #2: Not before we get paid.

Thingol: What? You want money? I'm a poor king, my wife sold everything for chocolate!

Dwarf #2: Then we keep the necklace and the sillymaril.

Thingol: But they're mine! Guards! Seize these thieves!

*Of course a lot of insults get traded at this point but in the end the Dwarves get thrown out of the caves without their reward. They -naturally- swear revenge but Thingol heeds them no longer. Instead he goes all gooey-eyed over his new treasure. But soon a large force of disgruntled Dwarves march onto Menegroth.*

Willow: Right, this is where we leave.

Eärniel: Wait, this isn't over yet! Aren't we here to show Miriam the destruction of Doriath?

Arcala: Of course, of course. But eh... at this point I think we better do it from a distance and with binoculars.