Tolkien Lover Anonymous 3, The Sil(ly)marillion

[Count Comfect]

*Gwindor runs after Counturin*

Gwindor: Hey, wait up!

Counturin: What, after that display? What was that??

Gwindor *the lying punk*: Oh, nothing. Nothing at all. Now, I've got to introduce you to the guy who runs this place...

[Earniel]

*And so Counturin is introduced to Orodreth, king of Nargothrond.*

Orodreth: So, Counturin, what do you think of our fair hide-out city? Pretty good, huh?

Counturin: *with brain regrettably back into default hero-setting* Well, it's okay...

Orodreth: *raises eyebrow* Okay?

Counturin: Yes, okay. But it could be better.

Orodreth: Reeeeally? Do enlighten me.

Counturin: Weeeell, for instance there's the river. It's practically crying out to be bridged, that would save us a lot of trouble going around a few miles to find a crossable ford each time we want to leave Nargothrond. Then there's your people, they can fight well but they prefer to hide out in the city and defend their home only through ambushes and sneaky business. It's not very honourable. If they would fight in the open I'm sure we could rid a large part of our lands of orcs.

Findukatt: *who has entered just now, sighs happily* Oh, my lord, isn't our guest brave and wise? I think we should listen to him. *bats eyelids elegantly*

Orodreth: *who is not immune to Findukatt's charms either* Well, um, if you put it that way.... I think a bridge across the Narog isn't so bad....

Findukatt: *squeals with delight*

Gwindor: *grumbles*

*And so it was that Nargothrond became a more open kingdom. Under Counturin's advice a large bridge was built over the river Narog and as the Nargothrondrim changed their politics from ambush to open battle, the orcs fled from the surroundings of city. Counturin won respect among the people and especially from Findukatt the Fair, much to the displeasure of Gwindor. No one told Counturin anymore to shut up and this started to make him proud and vain. And as the happiness continued in Nargothrond, a little curse was waiting somewhere to kick in.*

Counturin's curse: *kick*

[Count Comfect]

*In Angband*

Morgoth: Geez, where did these sudden assaults of elves come from? All my orcs are being killed or fleeing.

Random Messenger-Type Evil Thing: It is said that they come from the City Formerly Known As The Hidden City of Nargothrond.

Morgoth: That's a mouthful. Why don't we just call it Nargothrond and skip the rest?

RMTET: Sure thing, boss.

Morgoth: Now, who is leading them to battle?

Mr. Nelson: I have heard rumours that it is that "Counturin" fellow Saurokatt let escape.

Morgoth: Nah, can't be. I cursed him, he's probably lying dead in a ditch somewhere.

[Earniel]

Ulrica: *annoyed* That is always the thing with you, isn't it Morgoth?

Morgoth: But darling...

Ulrica: Don't you darling me, don't try to weasle out of this.

Morgoth: But sweetie... not in front of the minions!

Ulrica: *throws up her hands* Minions, shminions, it's not like they don't already know you're a loser. You can't even curse a kid right!

Morgoth: But....

Ulrica: *not planning on stopping with ranting anytime soon* Is that the best curse you can do? You cursed him and now he's the commander of the forces of Nargothrond? That's not a curse, that's a bloody blessing. Have you turned into a nancy godmother or something? Well, have you?

Morgoth: But...

Do you have any ideas how much these orcs are costing us that he's killing with leisure? Do you?

Morgoth: But....

Ulrica: I was hoping for a nice holiday on the beaches of Harad for my birthday, but with your lousy economical skills I don't see that happening soon! Morgoth the great! Hah! Morgit the loser would be a better name!

Morgoth:*who doesn't like being called names in front of the minions* Fine! Fine! I'll send Glaurukatt the dragon after him to smoke out that Nargothrond rat-nest. And you can go on that holiday of yours.

Ulrica: *changes mood immediatly* Ohh, my dear dark lord, I knew you were the greatest! I'll go off to pack!

Morgoth: *poors himself another drink and mutters* The farther I can send her the better....

*Then Morgoth kills the random messenger just to be sure that 'Morgit the loser' doesn't get any further than these 4 walls, even dark lords have a reputation to maintain. But so it is that Glaurukatt the dragon is sent off to level Nargothrond to the ground, and she is looking foreward to it...*

[Count Comfect]

*Back in Nargothrond*

Counturin: ahhhhhhhh

Orodreth: I really have to admit, you've spruced the place up. A bridge? Very snazzy. I like it. Gives the place a solid foundation connecting it to the real world. Just what we've been lacking.

Random Messenger-Type Elf Thing: Sir, we have a mysterious message from some Valar.

Orodreth: Ooooh, mail! Gimme! *reads* Yadayadayada, cast down the stones of your pride, yadayada destruction... ok, great. Give my regards.

RMTET: Should we umm, do something?

Odoreth: Nah.

Counturin: Good. I had this suspicion it might have meant my nice bridge, and we wouldn't want to destroy that, would we? Oh, do you see that sign?

Orodreth: *reads* The Bridge of the Pride of Nargothrond. Catchy.

Counturin: Thanks. I thought of it myself! Now, on to plan our next campaign... WHAT THE HECK IS THAT????

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

Glarukatt: Now, who-at whas eit? Oh yes. Rawr.

Conturin: That's it?

Glarukatt: No. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWW WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Orodreth: *cowering* mmm

Conturin: I aggree. RUN!!!

Glarukatt: *surveys the scene* Oh gewd, running and screaming. But who-at is dis? Ooo la la. A prrrrrettie littel biridge fawr me. Ooo! Let me kerush eit!

Conturin: *running* So why *pant* does this dragon *pant* have a french accent?

Orodreth: *running* I *pant* don't *pant* care! *pant* Keep running!

Findukatt: Oh, *shriek* help! Conturin, help!

Conturin: What has that girl gotten herself into now?



OOC: YAY! Killing! I can't belive I have to play a weepy little helpless devotchka. Anyway, I just realized that I torture this guy, let him go, fall in love with him and ultimatly kill him. What a twisted relationship. That's what happens when you triple cast!

[Count Comfect]

OOC: Hey, triplecasting works. We could call it some sort of postmodernist interpretation of the true role of love in society. Or not.

IC:
Gwindor: Yo, Counturin *under breath* you bastard *back to normal* a little help here?

Counturin: What's the problem?

Gwindor: Oh, this bloody bridge fell on my leg.

Counturin: Lemme help you with that.

Gwindor: Thanks. I'm sorry about calling you a bastard.

Counturin: You called me a what??????

Gwindor: Nevermind. Now save Findukatt.

Counturin: Why?

Gwindor: You're a hero. You're never allowed to ask that question.

Counturin: I'm not? See, here in "Heroes for Dummies (Cause Who Else Would Read It)" it says that a hero is allowed to ask why for effect.

Gwindor: No, no, you missed the subsection on "Cursed Heroes." No asking why.

Counturin: Alrighty then!

[Earniel]

Counturin: Hey, you. Ahem, dragon fellow, I'm talking to you. Unhand the damsel. No, down here!

Glaurukatt: *looking down* Is someone tawlking to moi? Cawn't be this littewl thingie... *pokes Counturin with a claw*

Counturin: *tries to retain his diginity but fails sadly by giggling* Hey, that tickles. Nock it off, you can't do that with heroes! Now release the princess.

Glaurukatt: *looks at Findukatt* Thawt a princesse?

Counturin: Okay, so maybe not but it sounds more dramatic.

Glaurukatt: Oh, drama! Thawt I can do aussi! *pulls out little pendule and waves it in front of Counturin* Naw watch dis,.... hero.

Counturin: What about it? Ther's nothing dramatic about it, it's just a little clock moving left and right, left and right.... left and right... left and right...

Glaurukatt: *grins* Works toujours. Naw repeat after moi: I'm a bad boy fawr leaving my mère and sister to fend for their ewn in ze wild, I better go look fawr them and ferget tout about Nargothrond...

Counturin: *hypnotised* I'm a bad boy for leaving my mother and sister to fend for their own in the wild. I better go look for them and forget all about Nargothrond...

*Counturin, now fully hypnotised, forgets all about Findukatt and Nargothrond, thinking only of his mother and sister that live still in Dorthonion. Being the hero he is, he immediatly takes off to help them. He no longer hears Findukatt's cries of help.*

[Count Comfect]

*On the road*

Counturin: Must... *pant* save... *pant* family...

Random Guy: Hey, wanna buy some watches?

Counturin: Not now. Must. Save. Family. Am. Bad. Son.

Random Guy: Are you sure? It's SHINY! Lookee here *swings it back and forth*

Counturin: WOAH, Shiny! And going left and right, left and right ... left and right.. HEY! I remember now! Glaurokatt! Findukatt! Saurokatt! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

*runs screaming in the opposite direction*

Counturin: MUST. SAVE. FAM.. I mean FINDUKATT.

Random Guy: Guess he doesn't like watches or something. *shuffles off*

[Christiana]

*in that time of confusion and hypnosis, morwen and her daughter fled to thingols halls. but Turin searched far and wide for Findukatt, and became known as Weird Man of the Woods*



OOC: umm....guys....Finrod is not the king, Orodreth is. We killed Finrod Felugund in Sauronkatt's halls, remember? and where the heck is Miram? I would add her in, but i am fresh out of inspiration

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

OOC: Ok, let's get back to the PLOT!!!

Orcs: RAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Orodreth: AAA! Orcs!

Glaurukatt: Sere you awre my fewrends.

Findukatt: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! This is so humiliating.

Orcs: March march march...

Sauronkatt: Muah ha ha!

*And amid much random noise and chaos, the city of Nargothrond was taken by orcs.*

Glaurukatt: Sere leetel awrks, take zee "pewrinsensence" away and slay hwer.

(OOC: This accent is getting annoying. I don't know what I was thinking. Sorry.)

Orcs: Hut hut hut hut.

Sauronkatt: Good job, Glaurukatt. Now let me see the fruits of you labors. *Reads over the last part of the script* You let Conturin GO? Bad alter ego! Bad bad alter ego! WHAT? They're taking Findukatt away! Man, that alter ego was fun. NO BISCUITS FOR YOU!

Glaurukatt: Awww...

Sauronkatt: No, I have to go report this now, you know.

Glaurukatt: Weel, I ahm keeping zee ceetie.

Sauronkatt: *not hearing* Oh this is just bloody marvolous...


(OOC: Did that go alright?)

[Count Comfect]

*Counturin, on the way back to try to save Findukatt, runs into a large group of Wild Men*

Wild Men: ooof. OW!

Counturin: Sorry. I'm just rushing to save a single maiden out of a whole town that's been sacked by an evil underling of Morgoth's and a dragon alter ego.

Wild Men: Oh, so you're a hero?

Counturin: Yes. Now, can you help me find her? Elvish, called "the Fair" (don't know why)...

Wild Men: Oh yeah. We found her. She's dead. We put up a mound *points* It's called the Mound of the Fair Elfmaid.

Counturin: Oh. Good name, that.

Wild Men: Thank you. Now whatchya going to do? I mean you just failed a quest, right?

Counturin: Right. Okay. Time for Big Dramatic Shift. And why do you keep speaking in chorus?

Wild Man #1: Sorry.

Counturin: That's better. OK, from now on I shall be renamed! I am now *dramatic lightning flash, which accidentally kills Wild Man #1* Darn it!

Wild Men: This is why we speak in chorus. Those who lose their group identity die.

Counturin: I shall be renamed *lighting flash, which doesn't kill anyone* Counturambar!

Wild Men: Can we call you Darn it? We liked that name better.

Counturin: Fiiiiiine.

[Earniel]

*Meanwhile in a dark broom closet of Nargothrond:*

Tano: Is it safe to come out yet?

Eärniel: Sssht! Glaurukatt will hear us.

Miriam: Who's fault would that be then, miss oh-we-can-stay-at-least-a-few-days-longer-that-dragon-is-going-to-need-days-before-it-finds-the- city?

Eärniel: I forgot about the bridge, okay? And it's not like you were so eager to leave the city, now was it?

Miriam: These Nargothrond-elves at least had a certain level of sanity, after spending these months with you lot, I nee-

Willow: Nock it off, the both of you. We've avoided being spotted so long by hiding in this broom closet. And I don't want to be caught now.

GG: But we're not going to stay here, right? Glaurukatt is going to find us sooner or later and I'm beginning to think this closet is going to burst soon. It's too crowded in here.

*somebody farts*

Eärniel: Okay, I've had it. That's it. I'm out of here. All who doesn't want to spend the rest of the RPG in a dark, crowded and momentarily smelly broom closet, follow me.

*All eager to leave the broom closet the rest of the TLA follow her. Walking on the tips of their toes they cross the empty halls of Nargothrond. Nobody notices them as Glaurukatt is completely occupied with piling all the riches of the city into one tacky bed in the throne room. Soon the TLA are safely outside.*

Ren: So, what's next?

Willow: We're still seeing this curse, remember? Let's find Counturin. Eärniel, are you coming?

Eärniel: Yes, just give me a moment....

*Eärniel finished her writing on the wall next to the entrance hall. Instead of Nargothrond, it now reads: Nargothrond where the false French accents fly. She then runs after the rest of the TLA who are already leaving.*

Miriam: That was childish.

Eärniel: Let me have my fun, okay?

[Willow Oran]

Time passes. Counturambar who is known as Darnit! lives with the Wildmen killing orcs and being chased by wild animals and generally living a life of hardship, mental torment and emotional PAIN! And certain members of the TLA are much amused.

*CT is sitting under a willow tree in a rare moment of relaxation, unbeknownst to him he is being watched.*

Tano: Awwww... Isn't it sweet? Seeing him so vulerable in a time of such danger?

Willow: It's sickening.

Tano: You do realize that this is probably the last time in his life that he'll be able to just sit under a tree? Unguarded, momentarily free of grief, content...

Willow: Oh yes.

*The two TLAers watch Counturambar a moment longer.*

Wiilow: Time's up. Watch this.

*She snaps her fingers and the tree under which CT is napping comes alive, behaving in a manner that will be remembered centuries later in the actions of the creature called Old Man Willow. Suffice to say, it is an unpleasent awakening.*

Tano: *watches as CT struggle with the suddenly hostile tree.* That was cruel.

Willow: Merely a portent of things to come. He'll get used to it.

Tano: Think so?

Willow: He'll have to get used to it.

*They leave*

[Count Comfect]

Counturambar: Darn it! Stop Eating Me!

Old-Man-Willow-Type: Hehe. You're Darn it. I'm a tree.

Counturambar: Just my luck. I'm being eaten, the tree can talk AND it has an awful sense of humour. It's gotta be the curse.

Old-Man-Willow-Type: Curse?

Counturambar: Yep.

Old-Man-Willow-Type: My doctor said no cursed food. Ptooie!

*And with that, Counturambar is expelled ignominiously*

[Arcala]

OOC: Um, I'm... back... And to celebrate, I have a really short, sucky post! (because I can't find my copy of the Sil, so if anything's wrong, tell me!)

*somewhere in Doriath*

Morwen: Oh, my son! Counturin, or Conturambar, or Darnit!, or whatever his name was, I must go to him! *rushes out*

Thingol: Wait, at least take some lembas with you... oh well. More for me then.

Nienor: Hah! I, the great Nienor, daughter of Hurin, shall not be left behind! I will follow my mother! into certain death, doom, and destruction, but whatever. *rushes off*

Thingol: Wait! You stole my lembas!

Mablung: I shall retrieve it for you, my lord!

Thingol: See to it that you do. Or else...

Mablung: *gulps* Yes, sir...

OOC: Was that OK?

[Count Comfect]

*Morwen, Nienor and Mablung all coincidentally catch up with each other on top of a hill*

Morwen: You should be able to see Nargothrond from here... but there's just a big pile of gold and some ugly dragon sleeping on top of it.

Glaurokatt: Did I hear zee voice of something calling me le ugly? Zis is intoler-ab-le! I shall take zee bath!

*Glaurokatt jumps into the river. Steam rises, and the horses freak out*

[Earniel]

*And the Elves panic accordingly. Morwen gets lost in the confusion (although Mablung would later before Thingol insist she was merely misplaced) and Nienor also gets separated from the rest. *

Nienor: Gah, so much steam...But the daughter of Hurin, being me, doesn't simply flee from one puny dragon. I'll just find some higher ground to see where the rest ran off to.

*But instead of her company she finds a very large dragon on the hill*

Glaurukatt: Hello, mizzed me? Now who waz calling moi ugly?

Nienor: Not me. I wouldn't call you ugly.

*But instead of wisely shutting up here Nienor feels the need to at least add something. Like her father and her brother, Nienor was a brave person, too bad they were also rather stupid.*

Nienor: But I must admit you won't be winning any beauty contests, though. That French accent of yours? Waaaaay overdone. Incidentally have you seen my brother? Goes by the name of Turin or - as I'm told- Darnit?

Glaurukatt: Ah, Turin. Oui, I have seen him. You are his soeur? You don't reelly look lawk him.

Nienor: Great! Where is he?

Glaurukatt: Voyez dis. *whips out little pendule again and waves it in front of Nienor*

Nienor: That's not my brother! That's just a little clock going left and right.... left and right... left and right...

Glaurukatt: Ah, now I spot ze family rezemblans.

*And so Nienor too falls under the spell of the dragon.*

[Count Comfect]

*The TLA, having come from watching the willow eat Counturambar, now watches Nienor under the dragons' spell*

Nienor: Left. Right. Left. Right.

Glaurokatt: Zis is boring. Ze children of Hurin are all ze same.

*Glaurokatt, being easily bored, leaves*

Willow: She's right. This is boring.

Eärniel: Yeah. We need action! Oh, here comes Mablung.

Mablung: Nienor? Darn it, where are you?

Tano: Heehee. Darn it is her brother, not her...

Willow: OK, whoever is making the Darn it jokes better stop right now...

Mablung: There you are. Come with me.

*But Nienor could neither move nor speak of her own volition*

[Willow Oran]

Mablung: *pokes Nienor*

Nienor: *nothing*

*This sequence repeats for a while until...*

Willow: Oh for fuzzy's sake! *Pushes Mablung aside and slaps Nienor across the face.*

Nienor: *wakes up* AAAARGH!! *runs away*

Tano: Oops...