Lyrd Of The Ryngs - The Homies

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

All was made ready for departure. Theoden would take Eomer and twenty riders who's bikes had not been damaged. With Gandalf would go Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli, who despite his injury sustained killing the fat man with glasses, insisted on travveling to Isengard with the others.

[Butterbeer]

Originally Posted by Last Child of Ungoliant

in the distance, a fat bushy man called be seen limping away, with dynamite stuck in his beard, his arm hanging off, and an axe in his back

....


Singing "YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE...... YOU'LL NEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVEEEEEEEERRR WALLLKKKKK ALONNNE!" (CAST OF TENS OF THOUSAND PASSIONATE VOICES )

...

(before his delusional singing buddies - for PJ truly WAS walking alone at this point) got hit lethally by a carefully thrown very sharp steel-toe-capped-oddly-shaped carrot) ...

[Grey_Wolf]

A couple of days later the company, as they began their journey, passed the Coomb and took the road towards the Fords. Legolas followed reluctantly. The sun had set, already it had sunk behind the rim of the world; but as they drove out from the shadow of the hills and looked west to the Gap of Rohan the sky was still red, and a burning light was under the floating clouds. Dark against it there wheeled and flew many black-winged birds. Some passed overhead with mournful cries, returning to their homes among the rocks.
"The carrion-fowl have been busy about the battle-field," said Éomer.

They drove now slowly and dark came down upon the plains about them. The slow moon mounted, now waxing towards the full, and in its cold silver light the swelling grass-lands rose and fell like a wide grey sea. They had driven for some four hours from the branching of the roads when they drew near to the Fords. Long slopes ran swiftly down to where the river spread in stony shoals between high grassy terraces. Borne upon the wind they heard the howling of wolves. Their hearts were heavy, remembering the many men that had fallen in battle in this place.

The road dipped between rising turf-banks, carving its way through the terraces to the river's edge, and up again upon the further side. There were three lines of flat stepping-stones across the stream, and between them fords for bikes, that went from either brink to a bare eyot in the midst. The bikers looked down upon the crossings, and it seemed strange to them; for the Fords had ever been a place full of the rush and chatter of water upon stones; but now they were silent. The beds of the stream were almost dry, a bare waste of shingles and grey sand.
"This is become a dreary place," said Éomer. "What sickness has befallen the river? Many fair things Saruman has destroyed: has he devoured the springs of Isen too?" "So it would seem," said Gandalf.
"Alas!" said Théoden. "Must we pass this way, where the carrion-beasts devour so many good Biker of the Mark?"
"This is our way," said Gandalf. "Grievous is the fall of your men; but you shall see that at least the wolves of the mountains do not devour them. It is with their friends, the Orcs, that they hold their feast: such indeed is the friendship of their kind. Come!"

They drove down to the river, and as they came the wolves ceased their howling and slunk away. Fear fell on them seeing Gandalf in the moon, and Shadowfax his chopper shining like silver. The bikers passed over to the islet, and glittering eyes watched them wanly from the shadows of the banks.
"Look!" said Gandalf. "Friends have laboured here."

And they saw that in the midst of the eyot a mound was piled, ringed with stones, and set about with many spears.
"Here lie all the Bikers of the Mark that fell near this place," said Gandalf.
"Here let them rest!" said Éomer. "And when their M-16 rifles have rotted and rusted, long still may their mound stand and guard the Fords of Isen!"
"Is this your work also, Gandalf, my friend?" said Théoden. "You accomplished much in an evening and a night!"
"With the help of Shadowfax - and others," said Gandalf. "I drove fast and far. But here beside the mound I will say this for your comfort: many fell in the battles of the Fords, but fewer than rumour made them. More were scattered than were slain; I gathered together all that I could find. Some men I sent with Grimbold of Westfold to join Erkenbrand. Some I set to make this burial. They have now followed your marshal, Elfhelm. I sent him with many Bikers to Edoras. Saruman I knew had despatched his full strength against you, and his servants had turned aside from all other errands and gone to Helm's Deep: the lands seemed empty of enemies; yet I feared that wolf-riders and plunderers might ride nonetheless to Meduseld, while it was undefended. But now I think you need not fear: you will find your house to welcome your return."
"And glad shall I be to see it again," said Théoden,"though brief now, I doubt not, shall be my abiding there."

With that the company said farewell to the island and the mound, and passed over the river, and climbed the further bank. Then they drove on, glad to have left the mournful Fords. As they went the howling of the wolves broke out anew.

There was an ancient highway that ran down from Isengard to the crossings. For some way it took its course beside the river, bending with it east and then north; but at the last it turned away and went straight towards the gates of Isengard; and these were under the mountain-side in the west of the valley, sixteen miles or more from its mouth. This road they followed but they did not drive upon it; for the ground beside it was firm and level, covered for many miles about with short springing turf. They drove now more swiftly, and by midnight the Fords were nearly five leagues behind. Then they halted, ending their night's journey, for the King was weary. They were come to the feet of the Misty Mountains, and the long arms of Nan CurunÃ*r stretched down to meet them. Dark lay the vale before them, for the moon had passed into the West, and its light was hidden by the hills. But out of the deep shadow of the dale rose a vast spire of smoke and vapour; as it mounted, it caught the rays of the sinking moon, and spread in shimmering billows, black and silver, over the starry sky.
"What do you think of that, Gandalf?" asked Aragorn. "One would say that all the Wizard's Vale was burning."
"There is ever a fume above that valley in these days," said Éomer:"but I have never seen aught like this before. These are steams rather than smokes. Saruman is brewing some devilry to greet us. Maybe he is boiling all the waters of Isen, and that is why the river runs dry."
"Maybe he is," said Gandalf. "Tomorrow we shall learn what he is doing. Now let us rest for a while, if we can."

They camped beside the bed of the Isen river; it was still silent and empty. Some of them slept a little. But late in the night the watchmen cried out, and all awoke. The moon was gone. Stars were shining above; but over the ground there crept a darkness blacker than the night. On both sides of the river it rolled towards them, going northward.
"Stay where you are!" said Gandalf. "Draw no weapons! Wait! and it will pass you by!"

A mist gathered about them. Above them a few stars still glimmered faintly; but on either side there arose walls of impenetrable gloom; they were in a narrow lane between moving towers of shadow. Voices they heard, whisperings and groanings and an endless rustling sigh; the earth shook under them. Long it seemed to them that they sat and were afraid; but at last the darkness and the rumour passed, and vanished between the mountain's arms.

The king and his company slept no more that night; but they saw and heard no other strange thing, save one: the voice of the river beside them suddenly awoke. There was a rush of water hurrying down among the stones; and when it had passed, the Isen flowed and bubbled in its bed again, as it had ever done.

[Grey_Wolf]

At dawn they made ready to go on. The light came grey and pale, and they did not see the rising of the sun. The air above was heavy with fog, and a reek lay on the land about them. They went slowly, driving now upon the highway. It was broad and hard, and well-tended. Dimly through the mists they could descry the long arm of the mountains rising on their left. They had passed into Nan CurunÃ*r, the Wizard's Vale. That was a sheltered valley, open only to the South. Once it had been fair and green, and through it the Isen flowed, already deep and strong before it found the plains; for it was fed by many springs and lesser streams among the rain-washed hills. and all about it there had lain a pleasant, fertile land.

It was not so now. Beneath the walls of Isengard there still were acres tilled by the slaves of Saruman; but most of the valley had become a wilderness of weeds and thorns. Brambles trailed upon the ground, or clambering over bush and bank, made shaggy caves where small beasts housed. No trees grew there; but among the rank grasses could still be seen the burned and axe-hewn stumps of ancient groves. It was a sad country, silent now but for the stony noise of quick waters. Smokes and steams drifted in sullen clouds and lurked in the hollows. The riders did not speak. Many doubted in their hearts, wondering to what dismal end their journey led.

After they had driven for some miles, the highway became a wide street, paved with asfalt laid with skill; no blade of grass was seen. Deep gutters, filled with trickling water. ran down on either side. Suddenly a tall pillar loomed up before them. It was black; and set upon it was a great stone, carved and painted in the likeness of a long White Hand. Its finger pointed north. Not far now they knew that the gates of Isengard must stand, and their hearts were heavy; but their eyes could not pierce the mists ahead.

Beneath the mountain's arm within the Wizard's Vale through years uncounted had stood that ancient place that Men called Isengard. Partly it was shaped in the making of the mountains, but mighty works the Men of Westernesse had wrought there of old; and Saruman had dwelt there long and had not been idle.

This was its fashion, while Saruman was at his height, accounted by many the chief of Wizards. A great ring-wall of stone, like towering cliffs, stood out from the shelter of the mountain-side, from which it ran and then returned again. One entrance only was there made in it, a great arch delved in the southern wall. Here through the black rock a long tunnel had been hewn, closed at either end with mighty doors of iron. They were so wrought and poised upon their huge hinges, posts of steel driven into the living stone, that when unbarred they could be moved with a light thrust of the arms, noiselessly. One who passed in and came at length out of the echoing tunnel, beheld a plain, a great circle, somewhat hollowed like a vast shallow bowl: a mile it measured from rim to rim. Once it had been green and filled with avenues, and groves of fruitful trees, watered by streams that flowed from the mountains to a lake. But no green thing grew there in the latter days of Saruman. The roads were paved with stone-flags, dark and hard; and beside their borders instead of trees there marched long lines of pillars, some of marble, some of copper and of iron. joined by heavy chains.

[Grey_Wolf]

Many houses there were, chambers, halls, and passages, cut and tunnelled back into the walls upon their inner side, so that all the open circle was overlooked by countless windows and dark doors. Thousands could dwell there, workers, servants, slaves, and warriors with great store of arms; wolves were fed and stabled in deep dens beneath. The plain, too, was bored and delved. Shafts were driven deep into the ground; their upper ends were covered by low mounds and domes of stone, so that in the moonlight the Ring of Isengard looked like a graveyard of unquiet dead. For the ground trembled. The shafts ran down by many slopes and spiral stairs to caverns far under; there Saruman had treasuries, store-houses, armouries, smithies, and great furnaces. Iron wheels revolved there endlessly, and hammers thudded. At night plumes of vapour steamed from the vents, lit from beneath with red light, or blue, or venomous green.

To the centre all the roads ran between their chains. There stood a tower of marvellous shape. It was fashioned by the builders of old, who smoothed the Ring of Isengard, and yet it seemed a thing not made by the craft of Men, but riven from the bones of the earth in the ancient torment of the hills. A peak and isle of rock it was. black and gleaming hard: four mighty piers of many-sided stone were welded into one, but near the summit they opened into gaping horns. their pinnacles sharp as the points of spears, keen-edged as knives. Between them was a narrow space, and there upon a floor of polished stone, written with strange signs, a man might stand five hundred feet above the plain. This was Orthanc, the citadel of Saruman, the name of which had (by design or chance) a twofold meaning; for in the Elvish speech orthanc signifies Mount Fang, but in the language of the Mark of old the Cunning Mind.

[Grey_Wolf]

A strong place and wonderful was Isengard, and long it had been beautiful; and there great lords had dwelt, the Architects of Gondor upon the West, and wise men that watched the stars. But Saruman had slowly shaped it to his shifting purposes, and made it better. as he thought, being deceived-for all those arts and subtle devices, for which he forsook his former wisdom, and which fondly he imagined were his own. came but from Mordor; so that what he made was naught, only a little copy, a child's model or a slave's flattery, of that vast factory complex. armoury, prison, furnace of great power, Barad-dûr, the Dark Skyscraper, which suffered no rival, and laughed at flattery, biding its time, secure in its pride and its immeasurable strength.

This was the stronghold of Saruman, as fame reported it; for within living memory the men of Rohan had not passed its gates, save perhaps a few, such as Wormtongue, who came in secret and told no man what they saw.

Now Gandalf drove to the great pillar of the Hand, and passed it: and as he did so the Bikers saw to their wonder that the Hand appeared no longer white. It was stained as with dried blood; and looking closer they perceived that its nails were red. Unheeding Gandalf drove on into the mist, and reluctantly they followed him. All about them now, as if there had been a sudden flood. wide pools of water lay beside the road, filling the hollows. and rills went trickling down among the stones.

At last Gandalf parked and beckoned to them; and they came, and saw that beyond him the mists had cleared, and a pale sunlight shone. The hour of noon had passed. They were come to the doors of Isengard.

But the doors lay hurled and twisted on the ground. And all about, stone, cracked and splintered into countless jagged shards, was scattered far and wide, or piled in ruinous heaps. The great arch still stood, but it opened now upon a roofless chasm: the tunnel was laid bare. and through the cliff-like walls on either side great rents and breaches had been torn; their towers were beaten into dust. If the Great Sea had risen in wrath and fallen on the hills with storm. it could have worked no greater ruin.

The ring beyond was filled with steaming water: a bubbling cauldron, in which there heaved and floated a wreckage of beams and spars, chests and casks and broken gear. Twisted and leaning pillars reared their splintered stems above the flood. but all the roads were drowned. Far off, it seemed, half veiled in winding cloud, there loomed the island rock. Still dark and tall, unbroken by the storm, the tower of Orthanc stood. Pale waters lapped about its feet.

The king and all his company sat silent on their bikes, and in their hummers and quads, marvelling, perceiving that the power of Saruman was overthrown; but how they could not guess. And now they turned their eyes towards the archway and the ruined gates. There they saw close beside them a great rubble-heap; and suddenly they were aware of two small figures lying on it at their ease, grey-clad, hardly to be seen among the stones. There were bottles and bowls and platters laid beside them, as if they had just eaten well, and now rested from their labour. One seemed asleep; the other, with crossed legs and arms behind his head, leaned back against a broken rock and sent from his mouth long wisps and little rings of thin blue smoke.

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Book 3.9: Flotsam And Jetsam

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

"Good day, O General. I'm am Meriadoc son of Saradoc, and this," said the young fellow giving his sleeping compatriot a kick, "is Peregrin son of Paladin, who's energy is unfortunatly drained and is currently refuelling itself in the Land of the clouds. I hope you are well and the battle went without terrible loss."
"And what about us you young rascals. We've tracked the ORCers who captured you across the plains of Rohan, and now we find you, you are feasting and smoking fine Cuban Cigars," said Gimli.
"You speak for me also Gimli, though I would prefer to know where that wine came from, although I don't drink alcohol, it gives a strange tingling sensation in my fingers."

[Lotesse]

"Merry, where'd you put the pipe, man?" Next to Merry, Pippin was relaxing on his back, staring half-eyed at the early afternoon sky above him, envisioning himself back in the Shire, kicking it at the Green Dragon and being regaled by all his drinking buddies as the tallest, handsomest, and smartest hobbit ever to have walked middle-earth. Pippin was so engrossed in his weed inspired daydream that he hadn't heard the arrival of their friends down below. Merry thought his fiend must have been a lot more stoned than he'd thought, or else newly deaf, since Gandalf's tricked-out uber-Harley chopper made an acoustic entrance that would have put a jet airliner to shame.

"Pippin," Merry said impatiently, "snap out of it for a second, man! The last thing you need right now is any more Longbottom Leaf. Look who's here!"

The sound of excitement in Merry's voice coupled with the panicky prospect of becoming deprived of any more tokes off the pipe effectively terminated Pippin's reverie. He pulled himself up and wobbled excitedly over to where Merry stood squinting into the forest beneath them.
"Someone's here? Where, who's here?" Pippin chattered, straining his eyes in the direction Merry was pointing. All around and beneath the hobbits where they stood, the post-battle panorama of demolition streched and jumbled in a vast, chaotic new lake whose shores evened out at the bordering edge of Fangorn Forest.
"Welcome, my homies, to the Bank of Orthanc and Sauron-Wannabee Incorporated's New Isengard Financial District Development project site, which I am pleased to announce has been taken over by furious rock-hurling trees and the Jolly Green Giant."

Gandalf struck an astonishing image upon his white Harley-Davidson custom built Shadowfax chopper, cooly frowning out from behind expensive Italian sunglasses, slicing a grooved path through the lake of water and right on up to the base of Merry and Pippin's perch.
Aragorn and Gimli followed directly behind Gandalf, maneuvering their vehicles through the v-shaped wake that Shadowfax left. It was extremely difficult for Gimli and some of the others not to immediately launch into their long-lost halfling comrades for having worried them all for so long, and for having the audacity to be feasting, smoking, and otherwise partying while the rest of the world had do deal with ORCers, and random carrot missles, and Gandalf in white leather.

The hobbits bundled up their spoils of war and clambered down, all smiles and ready to get back to their mission. However thrilled he was to have his beloved mentor back, Pippin was still nervously avoiding a direct gaze from Gandalf, terrified of being called out in front of everyone as a "Fool of a Stoner Took".
In the shadow of Saruman's ghastly post-industrial style iron and plexiglas tower, the reunited company started catching up with each other, comparing notes on battle experiences and making introductions all around. Suddenly, as if on cue, everyone stopped speaking and looked up. Atop the roof of the iron-sheathed Bank of Orthanc building project stood Saruman, who was fiddling with a pair of giant speakers, trying to aim them down toward the company below.
"Oh, my god," muttered Gandalf, rolling his eyes behind his shades, "I can't believe he's sunk to this level. He's broadcasting Tony Robbins' it sounds like a soundbite from his latest lecture series on tape. Try not to listen to this garbage, it's a pathetic attempt to put a spell on you all." No one but Theoden seemed to be paying attention to Gandalf's exasperations.

"Saruman, turn that crap off and get down from there before you fall. There's some people down here I'd like to introduce you to; they have some pretty big bones to pick with you."
Theoden, who had been waiting for the ideal moment to jump in and publicly indict Saruman for having made a fool of him by brainwashing his mind and screwing with his people. The mesmerizing sermon being broadcast down towards them only served to piss off the proud biker.
"You think you can get on MY good side with your motivational crapola, Saruman? You don't fool me for one second, and if you don't believe me, why don't you come down here and let me show you how unimpressed I am."
At this point, Gandalf stepped in, whispering aside to Theoden under his breath"Cool it, man, What're you tring to start here? He's a lot more dangerously convincing than you might believe, believe me. I went to college with this guy, I know what he's capable of under any circumstances. Let me handle this."

[Butterbeer]

Theoden high-fived Gandalf, but with a strained expression growing on his face...

around him some of the Bikers were starting to hum and twitch, some looking really quite positively motivated ...

Saruman standing tall on the Bank's Metal inspired roof with the large drape of Ozzy replete with Bat personal organizer reached for the spinal tap volume adjuster, simultaneously reaching for the dreaded white flip-charts of mind relaxant doom ...



SFX: eeerie Bass laden dramatic pulses

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

meanwhle, out of the corner of his eye, legless noticed the fat man trying to pull saruman down onto a spiky wheel he had put in place, so legless pulled out a hammer from the pack on his bike, and hurled it at the fat man, hitting him square in the head. the fat man tumbled backwards, and fell down a pit, knocking four cameras (with cameramen), a make up artist, and two soundmen with him

[Butterbeer]

The health and safety ( Bank of Orthanc and Sauron-Wannabee Incorporated's New Isengard Financial District Development - or BOO AS WIN IF DD) branch over-reacted with incredible speed while PACT and other unions such as BECTU and the GTC etc scrambled over the hurt cameramen in their iron shod boots in their haste to reach Legless (who was whistling the star spangled banner): but they too soon stopped and became entranced by Saruman's brain-numbing flip chart diagrams and the diabolical Tony Robbin's effect ...

PJ's sad despairing moans of pain could be heard as blood chilling wails from the bottom of the Pitt

meanwhile up above (and down on the plain) ...

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

Gandalf then turned to Merry.
"Where is Treebeard? I must speak with him."
"He is over on the other side of Isengard, taking a drink with the other Ents, they seemed hooked on this sparkling water. You can take the small train if you like, then next one arrives in a few minutes."

[Grey_Wolf]

The train arrived and the Rohirrim Motorcade drove on to the ramps and parked on the flatbed-wagons.

The train was automated and there was a small track-loop on which it turned and returned to the farther station.

"What a magnificent contraption, this automated train and vehicular transpartion set is." Theoden said, amazed.

"Yes, Saruman was much for the modern conveniences." Gandalf replied.

Soon they were gone and The Intrepid trio and the hobbits sat down to have some supper and conversation.

[EarthBound]

Suddenly, a passenger wearing a derby hat and carrying a cane fell dead into the isle. Several ladies wearing overly-large hats screamed. A man carrying a briefcase and sporting a handlebar mustache leaped into the isle and charged down patrons until he had escaped the car.

"Rats", exclaimed Gandalf, "looks like we're on the 'Mystery Theater' car. . .Curse You Saruman!" The party then moved to the dinning car and had Sheppard's Pie and some sort of strudel.

[Butterbeer]

MMMMMM!
"Strudel!"

piped up both Pippin and Merry, whose salivating weed-induced hunger was gripping their very souls...

Saruman though, looked non-plussed that his first and slightly too early for most observers attempt at distance mind or "Voice" control had been cynically countered by everyone's favourite love of Giant Model trains, stomped moodily back indoors and giving Grima a filthy look placed the palantir of Orthanc periously close to the open window...


"what's this train called?" asked Theoden as it "CHOO-CHOOED" along

"The Orient EXpress" replied EOMER seriously, ... lighting up a woodbine ...

[Grey_Wolf]

Soon they arrived at the end station, drove off the flatbedcars on the ramps by the platform where they were met by Treebeard who stood at the entrance to the Jolly Green Giants newly opened, combined Refreshment & Recreation Restaurant McFangorn.

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

suddenly, quickbeam appeared at the window "can i take your hroom-order homm-hum please?" he said, gandalf looked up and down the menu and said "we'll have 12 McOrc burgers, four without pickle, one with cheese, and 12 McEnt Draughts, please"

[Grey_Wolf]

The Rohirrim Motorcade and Gandalf drove on to the Cashier to pay and recieve their orders. Meanwhile, Treebeard walked by Gandalf, having a close and personal chat with him.

The Motorcade, having received their orders, parked at a resonably flat space close by.

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Book 3.10: The Voice of Saruman

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

Meanwhile back at the entrance to Isengard stood Merry, Pippin and the three hunters.
"I don't know about you but I really would like to find out where that pipe weed is," said Gimli.
"We will show you," said Merry. "But first let's eat."
"I'm not eating any Orc food," said Gimli.
"We wouldn't ask you to," said Pippin. "We've had quite enough of Orcs ourselves in the last few weeks."

OOC: Sorry about bringing M & P back, I just thought it best to keep us on track.

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

Merry pulled out a small plastic bag, and doled out the weed to the others, whilst pippin picked up hid bong that he had let fall to the floor, and all 5 sat down and took their fill of weed