Divorce

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Now, I know this is going to shock you all, but I agree with Rian!

Originally posted by azalea

Aren't you glad I didn't post the long version?

Indeed. I'd still be reading it tomorrow morning!

[congressmn]

juat a joke: - "both my parents are divorced"


does this make sense? :- only my father is divorced?

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Well, they might not have been married to one another in the first place; maybe they had a fling, then the father's wife found out, and divorced him.

[congressmn]

but then the wife too be divorced dont u think?

[Rían]

yes, I see what you're saying, congressmn! Since it takes 2 for marriage, then obviously 2 will be involved in a divorce!

It could also mean that both parents were previously divorced, though - there's so many combinations nowdays

[Spock]

Marriage will start out wonderful.
Then *stuff* happens.
Divorce is a bitch.
You get through it and hopefully learn.
Then if you're lucky you get to try it all over again.

[Coney]

Never a nice subject this (especially if there are kids involved)...

Personally I'm with the Ancient Celts on this one.

Marriaige (or commitment to your partner) was only a tie for a year, then either partner could decide wether or not to make the bonding a life-time commitment

Personally I think marriage (in the modern sense) is an outdated thing, tho' I can see why people choose it for religious reasons.

Also, the idea of a long engagement seems to have gone out of fashion....people seem in so much of a rush these days!

But I guess religion is to blame for that as well..........one cannot live in "sin" (live together unmarried)....so how do you get to actually "know" the person you will spend the rest of your life with??

Ach well, divorce is one of the nastiest things anyone will go through...love is the strongest of our feelings, when ya fall out of it....well, you've lost a lot of what made you, you!

[Legolas_Frodo_Aragorn]

my parents are divorced. they used to argue alot when i was little, and i remember hiding under my bed with my sister to avoid it

now their divorced, and they argue everytime they see each other. They always complain about the other behind the other persons back...they're both crazy! and now that my sisters is at college...its all on me

[Rían]

who here has parents that are NOT divorced? I do... my parents' 50th wedding anniversary is next month. I'm very blessed.

And I disagree with the idea of 'falling' out of love - but more on that later, since it's rather a complex topic and I have to finish making dinner and get son #1 out the door to a fun event w/ a friend...

[Coney]

Originally posted by RÃ*an
who here has parents that are NOT divorced? I do... my parents' 50th wedding anniversary is next month. I'm very blessed.

Yeah, my parents had their 34th aniversary last year.

'Tis quite sweet to see them still fawning over each other

[Starr Polish]

Ah, what a lovely topic. [/sarcasm]

My parents divorced when I was four. My mother was extremely young when she married my father, who is nine years older than you. I remember very vaguely my family going through some extremely rough times (sometimes related to mental illness), but not very well, and I'm sure I've constructed some of them from stories told to me. Can you tell I'm taking psychology?

I don't agree with divorce under most circumstances, but all in all, my parents divorce hasn't been a bad one. My mom and dad get along very well now, they were just too different to live together, and too young and stupid at the time they married to realize it. My mom's remarried, and my stepdad, though not perfect, is a decent guy.

Still, it really sucks sometimes. Trying to work your schedule around custody arrangements and splitting up holidays (or even celebrating them more than once in many different areas over the span of the week) can be mind boggling. I rarely see my dad now, since I'm always working or off at a school function, and I feel guilty. I already have a huge family (my paternal grandmother was the youngest of eleven, and my maternal grandfather had eight or nine siblings), and then I add my stepdad's fairly large family (on top of my mother's stepfamily), and it's extremely confusing. I mean, come on, I have THREE Aunt Lindas!

[Gwaimir Windgem]

My parents weren't divorced; but my Mom was my Dad's third wife.

[Starr Polish]

Originally posted by Coney
Also, the idea of a long engagement seems to have gone out of fashion....people seem in so much of a rush these days!

Not in all cases. Would you say a year and a half is a long engagement? My sister was engaged to her boyfriend of three years, and the wedding was going to be postponed for at least eighteen months. Luckily, she came to her senses after about four months, realized she wasn't happy and broke of the engagement and the relationship.

[Coney]

Originally posted by Starr Polish
Not in all cases. Would you say a year and a half is a long engagement? My sister was engaged to her boyfriend of three years, and the wedding was going to be postponed for at least eighteen months. Luckily, she came to her senses after about four months, realized she wasn't happy and broke of the engagement and the relationship.

Nope, not a year and a half. I was thinking of 5,6,7+ years as a long engagement (that is living together, as opposed to the "courting" style of engagement).

[Arien the Maia]

Originally posted by Starr Polish
Still, it really sucks sometimes. Trying to work your schedule around custody arrangements and splitting up holidays (or even celebrating them more than once in many different areas over the span of the week) can be mind boggling. I rarely see my dad now, since I'm always working or off at a school function, and I feel guilty. I already have a huge family (my paternal grandmother was the youngest of eleven, and my maternal grandfather had eight or nine siblings), and then I add my stepdad's fairly large family (on top of my mother's stepfamily), and it's extremely confusing. I mean, come on, I have THREE Aunt Lindas!

Oh I totally understand! It sucks trying to divide your time between all the different branches of family. I rarely see my Dad now too...just like once or twice a month, because I am so busy with school, and my friends and my fiance...also planning this wedding of mine...no easy task! It stinks..Holidays are the worst...I want to see all my family and there just isn;t enough time. Now that I'm engaged, my fiance and I go over to his family's place too on holidays. It's a mess!

[Baby-K]

What is everyone's opinion about Divorce? Do you think it should never happen or only in certain circumstances? I have been affected by it and I hate it with a passion.

I can't speak from experience here - my parents have been happily married for 27 years (known each other 31 years). But I've seen what divorce has done to some of my friends & it's tragic really, especially when the parents use the kids as 'weapons' against each other. It confuses & hurts children more than anyone could ever imagine IMO.

Is divorced ever justified? Yes - not as a quick fix though (seems to be the predominant reason for people to get divorced lately, they realise they no longer want to be with the other person for whatever reason & whoops they get a divorce, all nice & sterile). It is justified in cases of spousal abuse, when one party is abusing the children (if there are any) - I would also lay criminal charges. Also in cases where one of the parties are unfaithful - I wouldn't stay with such a person. There are many cases I can think of.

just like success leads to money, and power leads to money, and money leads to powers, marriage leads to divorce.

That is a very fatalistic view of one of the most beautiful & sacred institutions. Marriage doesn't necessarily have to lead to divorce - think it all comes down to choosing the right person from the start & then working & playing very hard to make it last.

Mind you, marriage to me doesn't necessarily mean having to stand in front of a priest swearing to stay tue to each other forever. For me it's more a promise two people make to each other that, despite difficulties they will experience, they will love, support & help each other grow. It's an ongoing promise & process (no-one can stand in front of man & God and make a promise to do something forever when you have no clue what's waiting for you 10 years down the line - it's like promising the guy at the candy store that you will only ever eat pink bubblegum. But we can all make a promise to at least try).

Nope, not a year and a half. I was thinking of 5,6,7+ years as a long engagement (that is living together, as opposed to the "courting" style of engagement).

Here a woman is regarded as man's common law wife after living together a few years anyway, so why not just tie the knot? If they split up she would be entitled to the same settlements etc as if they were married in communion of property (i.e 50% of assets accumulated during the period they were together + maintenance & child support if needed). The only exception I think is among some of the black communities where tribal law still play a very big role.

[Rían]

Some musings on marriage from a 17-yr veteran (as of next month) -

Going into a marriage with the idea of "divorce is NOT an option" is the way to go, IMO. This helps you to choose your spouse very carefully. Integrity is big, as is a great sense of humor, IMHO!

Also, once you're in the marriage, with the "divorce is NOT an option" idea, you're much more careful about how you act in the difficult times (which WILL happen, because hey, you're both human!) Kinda like renting a house vs. owning it - renters will trash the house because they figure they can always leave it, while owners realize they have to deal with the messes they make, so they're more careful! So it helps you to realize that whatever hurt you inflict in your anger, YOU are the one that will have to fix it later!

Also home owners realize the importance of maintenance. Marriages, just like everything else, follow the second law of thermodynamics, and will tend to disorder if left alone. So knowing that you're in for your lifetime with your spouse will encourage you to (1) attend to the little things before they get big, and (2) put lots of positive energy into the relationship.

Marriage is the best thing (besides becoming a Christian) that ever happened to me, but it IS definitely hard work at times -- but VERY, VERY well worth it.

Best wishes, Arien!


(just a minor additional note to say that of course, no one can see the future, so if the marriage hits one of the FEW valid reasons for divorce, then sometimes one must take that option - but I think that heading into the marriage with "divorce is NOT an option" is the right way to go. It's stupid, of course, to be legalistic and say, for example, "well I said divorce is not an option, so even though my husband is murdering my kids one by one, I won't divorce him". However, I think many people go into a marriage with the idea that divorce is hopefully something that won't happen, but is always kept handy in a little corner somewhere to pull out when they get too frustrated, instead of totally and fully committing to "until death do us part" and diving in there and working hard to keep the marriage going well).

[BeardofPants]

Originally posted by Gwaimir Windgem
My parents weren't divorced; but my Mom was my Dad's third wife.

Oh? Was he an axe-murderer or somethin'?

[Gwaimir Windgem]

Hehehe.

No, he just married too soon.

At least, I assume so. But I can't very well ask.

[azalea]

And I think if the person is an abuser or chronic drug/ alcohol abuser, you probably didn't know him or her well enough to marry! (Although I know in some cases the person hides it very well).

A funny thing: There was a short-lived show called "Married People," and one of the couples are baby boomers, and one are about 18. They were talking about why the one couple got married so early, and the baby-boomer guy says, "So why didn't you just live together?" and the young couple says very confused and seriously "Because we wanted to have sex!"

Engagement -- SP, see that proves that a long engagement is a good thing, because you're not rushing into anything, and you can end the relationship before getting into a bad marriage! I forget where I read this, but it said something like It's better to have to cancel a wedding and return all the gifts than to live with regret in an unhappy marriage.
My grandparents only knew each other for about 3 months before they married and they were married for over 50 years until they died, but of course marriage was viewed differently then. And it helps that they loved each other very much! Also, they were a little older anyway (at least by the standards of the day -- I think my grandmother was 28 or 29, and my grandfather 2 years older than her).