First lines

[Lief Erikson]

Here's the prologue to my book:

Originally written in "The Uirlon Cord"
The Mountains of Eseren were shadowed from the sun by a massive fog that had risen from the plains below to cover their tips in a constant gray twilight. Somehow, the dense mist had managed to come up at a time when it fitted Baarorg’s mood exactly.

The bare rock and shale were slippery underfoot and he had to choose his steps carefully to avoid falling. However many times he had traveled over this path in the last few years, it still had no effect on his abilities to get used to this mountainous waste which had become his home.

He was silent, but in his mind he was going over again the near glories of the past, all lost because of a single slip up. It had been an error in judgement that had cost him everything. Just as one error now could cause him to plummet to the bottom of the cliff which he walked along. He would never make the same mistake again. Not that he’d ever have the chance, now.

He reached the top of the incline and was surprised at the sight of a black horse tied the railing of the porch.

His throat tightened. Surely they wouldn’t have come here for him again? They had banished him to one place to another, and the locations worsened.

His right hand twitched towards where his sword would have been fifteen years ago and he gave a slight grimace. But no wishing would bring its comforting weight back to his hip. But these things were better faced.

He mustered his courage and strode up to the doorway, pushing open the door and stepping inside.

A stranger sat on a chair facing the fireplace, his pale hands rubbing together to give them warmth. He wore a traveling cloak, the hood drawn up over his head.

"What do you want?" Baarorg asked boldly, taking another step forward.

The stranger’s head cocked upward slightly, but he didn’t turn around. "It isn’t polite to keep guests waiting, Baarorg. But I suppose that checking your traps has taken you longer than usual."

"It does more often now," Baarorg said, stepping closer. "The weather has not been improving, and the pathways are more treacherous.

"Why are you here?" He tried not to ask his next question, but his fear got the better of him. "You aren’t . . . from the Rainbow Council, are you?"

The figure laughed ruefully for a moment before slowly getting up and turning around to face him. "The Rainbow Order has done its job well. That was a question that you would never have asked fifteen years ago."

"Did I know you?" Baarorg asked, looking at the person more closely.

He saw instantly a small flash of disappointment cross the stranger’s face, but then the man shook his head. "Once, perhaps, you knew someone like me. But that man’s life forever changed at the time your army crumbled, and neither of us are what we were. You would have no memory of me."

Continued in next post.

[Lief Erikson]

Originally written in "The Uirlon Cord"
Baarorg looked at the stranger more closely, with rekindling interest. The man had wavy brown hair and a handsome face, but his eyes were hard and cold, full of potential deadliness. He bore no weapon, and his clothing was made of a gray, firm fabric, but he had the air of a man of intelligence and he moved with the self-confidence of a man who had nothing to fear.

"You’re no wizard," Baarorg said as he looked at the person more closely. "But you are somehow like them. And you have come here to do more than insult a former general. What is your purpose in coming here?"

The stranger’s lips twisted into a smile and when he spoke his voice was harsh, different. "I see that you have not lost all of your skills, however much they have been dulled by constant fear." He nodded his head in approval. "You will do well, I expect. I have come to take you away from here, Baarorg. But not to a new place of confinement." He glanced around. "This one would do well enough for that."

He locked his eyes on Baarorg’s and waited for a moment before speaking again. "If you had the opportunity, Baarorg, to regain what you lost, would you take it? If you were given back your army and a chance to defeat the Order that cast you so low, would you rise to the opportunity?"

Baarorg raised an eyebrow. "How am I supposed to know you aren’t sent by my enemies to ascertain how broken I really am?"

"You can’t know that until you accept. But the alternative is to continue life as it has been now, to the end of your days. To proceed with your miserable existence in this bare rocky waste until you have grown old and your strength dry." The stranger’s lip curled. "Then you would wish that you had answered my question."
He pulled his hand out from underneath his cloak, and Baarorg’s eyes latched upon the object that had been held underneath, not capable of looking away.
"Raise the banner of the Red Dragon again, Baarorg, and they will flock to your call."

The sword that the stranger held was long and well balanced. The hilt was intertwined with black and silver steel cords, and on the hilt’s crest was the figure of a dragon.

Memories flashed through Baarorg’s mind, of the battles he had fought and won with that blade. This was his own personal weapon from all those years ago. Was there truly a chance?

He did not know, but he no longer cared.

He did not remember crossing the space between himself and the stranger, but he reached out his trembling hand, wrapping his fingers about the sword’s hilt. A new energy coursed through his mind and muscles as he remembered the times long passed and his long defeated goal. It had been to avenge his family, which had been murdered by the Rainbow Order what was now eighteen years ago. He still remembered their faces clearly, and the Rainbow Castle had become his enemy. His foe that he had hated, when he had dared to hate.

"Who are you?" Baarorg asked, his voice trembling with emotion.

"One name is as good as another," the stranger said. "But you may know me as Darkagrin."

"Then I owe you my thanks, Darkagrin," Baarorg said, running his fingers along the length of the blade. "And my help."

[Tanoliel]

Whooo...sounds interesting!

[Earniel]

I agree with Tano.

This is from your book, right?

It's a little long for first lines I think but it definately succeeds in making me want to know more about what's going to happen.

[Lief Erikson]

Yes, I might have done better to post it in a section to itself. I didn't primarily because other people also were posting segments of some length. Mine is probably the longest, though . It is the prologue of my book.

[Elfmaster XK]

Hey, that's a really good prologue. Am muchly intrigued by it. How far along is this story?

I don't know if you've proofed this yet but I did spot some grammatical errors.

i.e.

Just as one error now could cause him to plummet to the bottom of the cliff which he walked along

Use of "which" here would require a comma, but better than that is using "that".

But no wishing would bring its comforting weight back to his hip. But these things were better faced.

Both of these sentences begin with "But".

etc. I don't want to nitpick or bore you because this is a really good intro. But I thought I'd warn you they were there so when you re-work you look for things like repetition, comma useage and such. Or if someone does your proofing for you then I suppose they will know what to look for already.

Blah. Anyway, point was, I really like it.

[Lief Erikson]

Thank-you very much . And also- feel free to point out editing comments. This book is, after all, hopefully going to be published one day. I'll be sure to pick up things you point out. Perhaps not now . . . as I mentioned on a different thread, at the moment I don't feel like editing, but later .

Right now I'm somewhere around page 520 or 530, in this book. It's about half-way done. That's why I will have it split into four parts.

[Elfmaster XK]

Wow, is going to be rather long then. That sounds cool. So you mean like a four part series, or four parts in one volume? I suppose over 1000 pages would be a damned big book though.

If you want I can edit it for you, then you can carry on writing and go back later when you're done to do the corrections. By that I mean I never change anyone's work unless they say to. I bracket correction in a colour (like this) so they can decide to change or not at a later date.

[Lief Erikson]

Actually, an English professor has already read Part 1 of the book, and marked the manuscript up. It would be best if I implimented what he's changed, before I had anyone else spend a lot of time editing it. You'd probably catch a huge number of the same things.

I think I'd rather work further with it myself. But thanks for the offer .

[Elfmaster XK]

Okay, no problem. You're obviously all set then. I guess you can't get anyone with better knowledge of English there. Let us know when it gets into print, eh

All I can say then is good luck!

[Lief Erikson]

Thanks .

[Tanoliel]

Yes--let us know when you've got it published and all. Looks awesome so far. I'd like to read more.

(And more than five hundred pages! I'm impressed...nothing I have is nearly that long. )

T

[Arat-Falathion]

But I suppose that checking your traps has taken you longer than usual."

"It does more often now,"

I didn't quite understand that answer
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Ah, you gave me chills there Lief. Amazing ...and now I'll have to wait until it is published to read the rest! You have a perfect selection of prolouge there that rais questions in the readers mind... I wonder who this Darkagrin person is

Can't wait to read you book Lief! I wish you truly good luck with it! May your hunger of editing rise beyond sanity so that you can finish the book

Good luck!

[Elfmaster XK]

Originally posted by Arat-Falathion
I didn't quite understand that answer
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I read it to mean his traps for catching animals.

And so the conditions where he lay the traps have led it to take longer to check up on them as of late. I could be mistaken of course. This....

"The weather has not been improving, and the pathways are more treacherous."

...suggests what I thought it to mean.

[Arat-Falathion]

Hmm... but would it not read easier if it said: "They do more often now", as it referes to the "traps" and not "a trap"?

Ahh... me is norwegian though

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

It wasn't a hot fire, not one conjoured up by demons, but it was a fire none the less. And it was slowly engulfing Morgan's ankles.

The next line should be something like "OH ****!"

[Elfmaster XK]

Originally posted by Arat-Falathion
Hmm... but would it not read easier if it said: "They do more often now", as it referes to the "traps" and not "a trap"?

Ahh... me is norwegian though

No, it is right to say "It" because lief is referring to the action of checking the traps taking longer, not the traps themselves. But perhaps this question will show that the phrase is not entirely clear.

He could've said "It often takes longer to check the traps now." As that is what he is trying say.

[Tanoliel]

Kitty--what's that from? I want some of your writing...

[Arat-Falathion]

Ahhh.. I see your reasoning XK, the action, must think of the "action" Me is norwegian though, so it may be me native tongue that is tricking me into going all puzzeling over that "answer"

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

Originally posted by Tanoliel
Kitty--what's that from? I want some of your writing...

I made it up on the spot. Someone needs to write that story. Have you read the "story that could kill"? First line:

Once there was a story that could kill...