Lyrd Of The Ryngs - The Homies

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

as hundreds of ORC Unionists rushed forward, waving red flags, daubed with yellow stars, screaming "down with the imperialistic, outdated, oppressive monarchy! up the red revolution! join us or die!"

meanwhile, PJ, who had been pushed off the bridge by Gimli, clambered back up, only tobe decapitated by an ORC Unionist

[Grey_Wolf]

The Gatling guns opened up on the attacking ORCers, and even though there still was several thousands of them left, many hundreds fell to the withering fusilade.

"Yeah! Give it to them commie bastards!" shouted Gimli as he and a couple of troopers slammed the Gates shut.

Soon grapnel hooks by the hundreds began flying towards the battlements, landing among the troopers, who were firing their M-16 combat rifles at the attackers and manning the Gatling guns and they worked feverishly with their machetes to cut off and throw them back down from the wall.

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

Gimli climber back up the Wall and found Legolas on a built-in-wall machine gun.
"Two," shouted Gimli, looking very pleased with himself.
"I'm on seventeen," grinned Legolas.

[Butterbeer]

"Tis' said that the Hornburg has never fallen while men defend it: what cunning and typically Militant left wing devilry can we expect now?"

...meanwhile the Militant Unionist's key activists had been carefully placing stacks of highly explosive Gun powder down by the culvert ...

"OW!" muttered a very dishelved and quite seriously hurt PJ, blood oozing from many wounds

" I need a smoke somewhere quiet like" he said wandering down to the calvert area to spark up ...

SFX: Thump crack! Yowl!

"Three!" shouts Gimli having just headbutted another Orcist in the nether-regions

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

as PJ began to move toward the culvert, it began to rain, so he stepped in under, and sat down on one of the barrels the ORCers had helpfully left behind, and took out his trusty pocket lighter...

ooc: maximise the damage

[Butterbeer]

"Excuse me GUV said a passing Orcist smiling evily and waving a large red placard exclaiming 'Equal Equity rites for Orcists and Rail local theatre groups'

" 'Scuse me Guv, would yer' mind keeping an eye on dis' ...er ... alarm clock? ... fur me?"

said the Activist passing PJ a little ticking Bundle ...

before nonchanltly running off whistling.

[Lotesse]

The ensuing blast sent PJ literally flying into another country. He landed like a sack of potatoes in the muddy banks of a river.
"Man, that HURT. I should have died! Maybe it's some kind of sign..." he muttered, rubbing his legs as he pulled himself up and looked around.
"Hey, look! Ships! Wonder what they're up to..." he murmered to himself."you guys! Over here! Can somebody give me a hand? I think I might have broken something..." He said, pulling his favourite odd-looking carrot from his back pocket. Three slightly crazed-looking and aggressively paranoiac men, having witnessed PJ's soaring entrance while busy loading one of the commercial fishing ships with huge trawling nets, dropped what they were doing and approached at once.

[Grey_Wolf]

Back in the Deep the exploding gun powder had blasted a huge hole in the wall into which the militant ORCers flowed like a river.

The troopers retreated behind the inner wall and shut the gates rushed up to the battlements of that wall and manned the strategically placed mortars and gatling guns and began firing into the teeming hords of ORCers which fell in their hundreds, yet again, to the renewed fusilade.

Gimli came with them and met Legolas.
"Now my score is 15!" he said triumphantly.

"Well, mine's 22, so I'm in still in the lead." said Legolas, smirking.

[Butterbeer]

"MY! these men look crazed-looking and really guite aggressively paranoiac ..."
Thought PJ,
suddenly realising his left arm was bent backwards, his right ear hanging off and he had a really irritating itch half way down his upper back (which was bleeding profusely)

Thinking quickly he suddenly realised his " I hate Fishermen" T-shirt might not be a good idea just now ...

meanwhile back with the real action: Theoden was downing a a pint of Bishop's Finger and having a fag with some of the hardest Rohirrim bikers in the inner Bike-stop while engineers greased up and polished the best bikes and weapons were prepared ...

"maybe i should say a few words, heh?" mused Theoden

Outside the battle rages fiercley with Gimli and Legless both bravely fighting and blood-thirstily attacking all and sundry in the race to be number one!

'e're Gerroff he's mine!" said Gimli rugby tackling legless before he can kill his Prey, eyes red blood shot and foam bubbling from his lips

"AAAARRRRRGH" shouted Legless, throwing 5 metal killing darts at the suddenly not-so brave Orcers as he went down, his blond locks all sticking up rigidly in the air with sheer electricity and killing mania

[Grey_Wolf]

Aragorn and Eomer was standing some distance away from the competing duo watching the sky as dawn slowly spread it's light over the battle.

Suddenly, a sound of a loud horn call came from the hills outside the Deep. And then Gandalf came roaring over the rim with an army of Westfolders in Humvees, on bikes and quads following him at full throttle, armed with M-16 combat rifles, Carl Gustaf desposable missile launchers, mortar launchers, and manning the gatling guns and splinter-grenade launchers on the vehicles.

The ORCers turned towards them, dismayed at this new threat.

[Grey_Wolf]

And looking behind them, the ORCers saw a mysterious forest that had appeared, it seemed, out of nowhere, which was blocking their escape route. Walking ponderously at the edges of the forest where three Jolly Green Giants. It looked as if they were shepherding it towards the ORCers.

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

Meanwhile ORCers where pouring into the Deep forcing Aragorn and Legolas along with a handful of the Rohirrim to fall back to the Hall where Theoden was.
"We have no hope," said Aragorn. The ORCers are overwhelming our forces."
"Ride out with me," said Theoden. "We have no hope. Let's take some ORCers with us then."

[Butterbeer]

so here was the situation:

After looking out on the fine sight of Gimli and Legless's noble battle for pyschotic muderous-ness competition, aragorn called
" hey get in here you two scamps!"

Legless got up and returned but gimli had seen something tasty looking out of the corner of his eye and ran down towards the caves thinking "ha! i'll get ahead of that ELF now!"

Legless and aragorn went quickly inside to the inner bike-stop, just missing the arrival of gandalf et all up on the hill top

2 mins later ...

Theoden, some of his hardest bikers, Aragorn, his FBI badge gleaming and his price-less Power-drill glinting in the smokey boozy atmosphere of the bike-stop was with Legless, who all the few Scouse accented Bikers that were there had repeatedly told to "Calm down ... Calm DOWN!!!" since he'd been maniacally punching the walls and headbutting the the door in his "over-exuberance"

they had not heard the horn from afar or seen yet the approach of Gandalf and the Humvees ...


"we have no hope" muttered someone again

Gimli meanwhile had chased a very scared group of 6 orcers into the caves making snarling muffled curses that he was going to rip out their Unionist undies (which was no idle threat as he had a pair of blood stained pants in his mouth at that point)
"i'll not be beaten by no ELF!" he bellowed (although it too came out a bit muffled: sound ing something like " I .. beef and Elf! .. " but it put the wind right up the ORCERS alright. ( Boy he's hungry and no too fussy what he eats either the terriffied orcers thought as they ran


Back in the inner bike-stop, Theoden was gargling his mouth and practising rolling his RRR's apprently very likely to say something noble ...

when Legless remembered he still had Boromir's mega phone and was just hooking it up to the giant festival PA system .... which by a stroke of co-incidence you'd normally find hard to beleive but take on trust completely right now ... was right by the famous Horn of Helm Hammy Actor, the famous biker-boy of yore...


...

Outside gandalf and the Humvees were all dramatically showing off on the hill top doing wheel-ee's and various tricks like forming human pryamids on their bikes to impress the Orcers below with their skill and haRDNESS.

Pheww!
said an unearthly voice just heard on the ege of hearing as if coming from another dimension or time space continuim (???)

[Grey_Wolf]

"Ok." said Aragorn."Let's not go out with whimper but a bang. Eomer, form up your men behind us and let's give these lousy ORCers a piece of our minds." He drew forth his golden Powersaw Narsil again pulled the start-cord and it roared to life.

He and Eomer, Theoden and the remaining Rohirrim troopers roared out of the opening gates M-16 combat rifles, mini-guns and grenade launchers spewing metal death into the teeming hord of the enemy who stood in their way.

[Butterbeer]

as they did so several things happened simultaneously

SIZE=6]BRRRRRRROOOOOOAAAAARRRRRRMMMMMMMM![/[/SIZE]

went the legendary horn of Helm Hammy actor...

legless was pissing himself laughing trying to play "she'll be coming round the Mountain when she comes" on the horn hooked up to the mic hooked up to the festival PA system!

The sound reverberated around helm's deep, deafening and really quite frightening

The Orcers seeing the Mad charge of Theoden 'the rather quiet and reluctant speech-maker' and Aragorn wielding the famous Narsil, seeing the suddenly serious Gandalf and the boys up on the hill wheel round (some still in pyramid formation and going "wheeee!") charge down, the Mad wierd looking Forest behind them and to top it all a wierd deranged horn blasting through their very fibre, got very very worried indeed - just then Gimli thought very seriously about charging out of the caves in full BEZERKER mode, blood and entrails spilling from his mouth but was too busy talking Bikes and chicks with Eomer who had just rather comically fallen flat on his back after retreating to the caves to cadge a fag off gimli (who was admiring the beautiful cave real-estate potential when a fat bespectacled bloke stinking of fish and badly beaten up was somewhow catapulted through space and time to land in front of Eomer causing him to trip over as mentioned, and gimli attacked him shouting "42!"

"whats that? the meaning of life?" asked Eomer standing back up rather seriously ... "got a spare fag mate?"


For the Orcers though it was all rather too much!

Suddenly Charlie the Cock' o' The North puffed out his Chest and let out the Loudest "Cock-a doodle-do!" in History ...

[Telcontar_Dunedain]

As Theoden, Aragorn and Legolas arrived out on the field, they noticed the figures on the hill top. It was Gandalf at the head on his ride, Shodowfax, and behind the doughty Rohirrim of Erkenbrand, in their armour plated Humvee's. Suddenly Gandalf wheelied on Shadowfax and a charge began. They came down like llightning. Suddenly flames came out of the exhausts of the Humvee's, and they acceleraated.

"Nitrus Oxide," smiled Theoden.

The ORCers becamle aware of the charge, and seeing the modified Humvees roaring down, with Gandalf and Shadowfax at their helm, they bagan to run (or rather waddle as it was with their armour) further towards the forest. But it was no use. The Humvee's and Theoden's troops caught them with no problems. The Humvees were working in pairs ramming ORCers together, crushing them into ORCer paper. Yet eventually the ORCers reached the forest at which point the Rohirrim turned and returned to Helms Deep.

As they rereached the Dike Theoden noticed Eomer was missing.
"Where is Eomer, my sister-son? Has he fallen?"
"I saw him retreating to the caves with Gimli," replied Aragorn.
"Then Gimli has also fallen?" asked Legolas in dismay.
"My General. Look," said one of the Rohirrim, pointing towards the Caves, where two figures were walking out.
"Eomer!" cried Theoden. "I thought you had fallen."
"Well I did, but I got back up," replied Eomer seriously.

"Gimli!" shouted Legolas. "41! Beat that."
"I did, 42! But the last one was fat with bushy hair and big glasses, and it hurt when I hit him with my axe."

[Grey_Wolf]

The ORCers were terrified by two-pronged attack and rushed into the deep shadows of the mysterious forest. Not a single one of them emerged from it at the other end. They vanished without a trace.

Meanwhile, Gandalf met up with Theoden and the others.

"We never thought that you would show up. We were at the end of the rope but didn't want history to judge us so we wanted to make a Final Charge to end all charges." Theoden said, long-windedly.


"Well, I did say that I would return at dawn and here I am." Gandalf replied."

"Now what are these mysterious trees and those Jolly Green Giants doing and how did get here?" Theoden asked.

"They are the Ents of ancient legend and the forest are their charges, the huorns, who have now taken their revenge on the wanton hewing down of trees by the ORCers." said Gandalf.

Then Gandalf and Theoden went back to the Deep, where the Dunlendings, who had joined Saruman's army, stood shivering with fear at what the Rohirrim would do to them.

Then Theoden spoke:"You have attacked us and thought us an easy mark but you have been found wanting. I hereby banish you from these lands. Go back to Dunland, never to take up arms against us again."

The Dunlendings were suprised at the leniency of their enemies and gratefully left the battlefield never to to be heard of again.

Beneath the forest sounds of tearing and digging could be heard and several hours later the Rohirrim saw Jolly Green Giants shepherding the Huorns away from the battlefield, leaving a huge domed hill and not any trace of the ORCers could by found.

|
|
V
Book 3.8: The Road To Isengard

[Butterbeer]

"42 eh! ah well, well-done Gimli mate" said Legless patting Gimli on the shoulder in a friendly way

" so happy am i to see you alive i don't begrudge you the game!"

Gimli smiled warmly and thanked Legless thinking " he's not a bad fellow for an elf!"

The sun came out.
Birds chirupped.

Someone got a brew on and the sizzling sounds of bacon could be heard and smelt from the caves area ...

It was a good morning to be alive

"Right what next? "said Theoden impatiently, the thrill of battle and slaughter running anew through his soul, he felt truly a man re-awakened. he stood taller now and proud, last king of a noble people, Victorious general.

"Bacon butties first" said gandalf raising an eyebrow at Theoden "and a vegetarian option too possibly?"

[Grey_Wolf]

After dinner Gandalf, Theoden, Eomer and the Intrepid trio along with a selected few of the Rohirrim bikers assembled outside the Gates.

"Where to now, friend?" asked Theoden.

"To Isengard." said Gandalf."To set a few things right."

[Last Child of Ungoliant]

in the distance, a fat bushy man called be seen limping away, with dynamite stuck in his beard, his arm hanging off, and an axe in his back