The Jokes Thread

[Grey_Wolf]

A Norwegian took a cab from the airport. The cabdriver when he was approaching a street crossing, saw a old woman straight in front him and he swerves and misses her, then he hears a thump and the Norwegian says: you missed but I took her with the door.

[Ruinel]

Originally posted by Grey_Wolf
A Norwegian took a cab from the airport. The cabdriver when he was approaching a street crossing, saw a old woman straight in front him and he swerves and misses her, then he hears a thump and the Norwegian says: you missed but I took her with the door.

There's another version of this joke.

A farmer is driving along a back road and sees a priest standing along side with his obviously broken down car. He stops and offers assistance on the car, but it is no use, the car is dead. So, he offers to give the priest a lift and the priest accepts.

As they continue to drive to the next town, a lawyer is also broken down on the side of the road and tries to wave them down for assistance. Upon seeing him, the farmer's instincts kicked in and he floored the truck and aimed it straight for the lawyer. Suddenly he realized the priest in the truck with him and, struck with guilt, he swerves to avoid the lawyer. As he passes, he hears a big THUMP and looking in his rear view mirror sees the lawyer laying in the street.

He looks at the priest who winks and says to him, "you missed him, but I got him with the door."

[Grey_Wolf]

Originally posted by Ruinel
There's another version of this joke.

A farmer is driving along a back road and sees a priest standing along side with his obviously broken down car. He stops and offers assistance on the car, but it is no use, the car is dead. So, he offers to give the priest a lift and the priest accepts.

As they continue to drive to the next town, a lawyer is also broken down on the side of the road and tries to wave them down for assistance. Upon seeing him, the farmer's instincts kicked in and he floored the truck and aimed it straight for the lawyer. Suddenly he realized the priest in the truck with him and, struck with guilt, he swerves to avoid the lawyer. As he passes, he hears a big THUMP and looking in his rear view mirror sees the lawyer laying in the street.

He looks at the priest who winks and says to him, "you missed him, but I got him with the door."

Good one, Ruinel

[Artanis]

Translated from the "Languages" thread:

It was the great swimming competition in Lake Enare at which Pekka was competing. He had been training under Toivonen's leadership all winter through, and he was ready for the Gold medal. The competition started and Pekka immediately took the lead. Toivonen, who waited on shore, had held open a cut in the ice during the winter for Pekka to swim in, and now he was certain that all this training would make Pekka win this competition. But when the competitors arrived at the finishing line, he couldn't see Pekka anywhere. Only half an hour later Pekka came in, totally exhausted. Toivonen exclaimed: "What did you do Pekka? Why do you come so late?"
Pekka answered: "When I was halfway, I swam past an island full of naked women. And then I just stopped! I swam and I swam, but I couldn't move forward."
Toivonen, who could well understand this problem, exclaimed: "But Pekka! But why didn't you turn to swim on your back?"
Pekka, who had now grown irritated, snapped: "But the bridges, Toivonen, the bridges!"

[Insidious Rex]

Is that some sort of comment on the healthy endowment of Scandinavian men?

[Artanis]

Well, Finnish men, to be exact.

[Insidious Rex]

Originally posted by Artanis
Well, Finnish men, to be exact.

Reminds me of a Richard Pryor joke about two black american males making their way up north from the south in the 30s. They walk the whole way and at one point they are walking over this long long bridge that goes over a river. HUGE bridge. And all that water below reminds them that they really need to relieve themselves in a big way. So they stop on the bridge and stand over the side and do what they need to do. While they are doing that the first one says to the second “Man this water is cold!” and the second one says “Yeah! And its deep too!”

Some stereotypes are helpful.

[Sister Golden Hair]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there
handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.

7. Only in America......do we use
answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a
call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the
word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have
drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but
darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline
Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do
"practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you
have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial
flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved
tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two
mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for
lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that
stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?

[Insidious Rex]

Originally posted by Sister Golden Hair
Why don't you ever see the headline
Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why didn't Noah swat those two
mosquitoes?

[Valandil]

For those of us old enough to remember Abbott & Costello !!

"WHO'S ON FIRST?" FOR THE 21st CENTURY


- - - - - - - - -R I N G - - - - - - -

ABBOTT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store, may I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks, I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.

ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer, I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows, I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything thing?

ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOTT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal; what program do I load?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows"?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I'll also watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue one 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: what word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: There are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind. I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something
for bank accounts, loans and so on. What to you have to help me track my money?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do your have?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundles with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOTT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money? Isn't that illegal?

ABBOTT: No, We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOTT: Of course! They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOTT: Managing your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: What to you sell in its place?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT: No that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know...accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. If my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOTT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't been anywhere? Okay so I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word - - the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in.....Oh, never mind!

[Twista]

Originally posted by Bombadillo

How do you make holy water?

lol thats a good one. Simple, yet effective.

[Rían]

I don't remember if I posted this before - it's really a riddle, but it's an interesting one.


What is more powerful than God,
more evil than the devil;

Rich men need it,
Poor men have it;

And if you eat it, you die?


(atheists/agnostics, play along with the God/devil part! )

[Nurvingiel]

Um... nothing?

[Lady Ravyn]

hmmm....... time?

[Insidious Rex]

nothing

[Ruinel]

Why do computer scientists keep getting Halloween and Christmas confused?



Answer:

because Oct 31 = Dec 25

ROFLMAO!!!!

[Nurvingiel]

I don't get it Ru. That must be a computer scientist joke.

[Ruinel]

Originally posted by Nurvingiel
I don't get it Ru. That must be a computer scientist joke.

Oh...
ok... I'll explain it then...

You know how there's binary, octal and hexadecimal numbers? Ok... so ... Oct stands for octal... and Dec stands for decimal... the decimal number 25 is represented by 31 in octal... 3x8=24+1=25... get it?

[Nurvingiel]

Bwahaha!

I thought it would have to do with something like that. I never understood hexadecimal, though I can count in binary.

[Ruinel]

Originally posted by Nurvingiel
Bwahaha!

I thought it would have to do with something like that. I never understood hexadecimal, though I can count in binary.

Yeah, there's actually other number systems... but I'd prefer not to go into them ... they're a bit hairy. *gasp!*