Tolkien Lover Anonymous 3, The Sil(ly)marillion

[Count Comfect]

GG: If you want to try doing that, be my guest.

*everyone looks at the brawling animals*

TLA: No.

Beren: I, my love, will venture into the fray and seize the sillymaril!

Morauthien: Wait a moment! No way am I letting you do that! You'll be killed... I'm going!

*Beren and Morauthien bicker about which one of them should get the sillymaril for a while, until*

Willow: I have it!

*she pulls out a small, hard, round, multi-colored ball*

TLA: What is it?

*In answer, Willow throws it hard at the ground. It goes bouncing off into the woods. Huan, Carcharoth and Jinx, possessing the universal dog and cat instinct to chase small bouncy objects, run off after it into the forest*

OOC: Sorry to indulge in my bouncy-ball obsession, but I just had to, seeing what my cats will do with one...

[Christiana]

*Beren picks up the sillymaril. As they walk back for Doriath, Carcaroth remembers that yummy chocolate. When the TLA are resting, he steals another bar.*

TLA:NO!!!!!!Come back!CHOCOLATE!!!

*They immedeately begin chasing after him. However, the evil power of Mr. Nelson is indeed permeating Middle Earth. The TLA have what they most fear:a sane moment. They stop chasing after the chocolate. Beren, however, stops too late. He trips over Christa, and the sillymaril rolls out of his hand*

Beren:No!!

Christa: oof!Morauthien, you boyfriend needs to go on a diet. he weighs as much as a bloody elephant!

*Meanwhile, Carcaroth thinks that Beren dropped another yummy chocolate bar. he eats it. Smoke begins to come from his mouth, and he goes insane. He runs off, leaving a trail of havoc in his wake.*

Morauthien: lets go back to Doriath Beren. Daddy will understand.

Beren: why would he let us in?

Morauthien*whispers*Because we will get the TLA to go somewhere else*

*Beren turns to TLA*So, i have an idea. Me and Morauthien can get back to Doriath on our own, no sweat. Why don't you guys go...umm...find Huan!No need to follow us:we'll be fine

Christa: Of course, we promise. we wont bother Doriath again, right guys?

TLA*nod heads sincerely*f course not! you just be on your way.

*As soon as the two are gone, all of the TLA beark in to evil grins*

[Finrod Felagund]

*By this time Finrod had arrived at Doriath*

Thingol: WHOA! I heard you were dead!

Finrod: Well...actyually I was. Lemme explain, no it's too much, lemme sum up...Me and Beren got capturwed by Sauronkatt, I died, but Morauthien and Huan saved Beren and defeated Sauronkatt. From there they headed towards Angband. I was ressurected, and rode to try to stop the TLA from following them...it didn't work...so now, I believe they got a Sillymaril...

Thingol: YES!

Finrod: But Carcharoth ate it!

Thingol: Oh...

Finrod: So when they all get here, you need to get Mablung, Beleg and Beren with Huan and others of your choosing, I'll come to, and go on the "Hunting of the Puppy".

Thingol: Oooh, sounds exciting!

[Earniel]

*After a long walk Beren and Morauthien come home to Menegroth, both downcast for losing the sillymaril. However, they find Thingol in a surprisingly good mood, seemingly preparing for a pick nick.*

Morauthien: Um, hi daddy...

Thingol: Ah Morauthien, finally home I see. You do realise I'm going to have to ground you for the next age or so for sneaking out of my tree without permission, I hope.

Morauthien: Riiight....

Beren: Um, about that sillymaril you wanted, Mr. King Thingol sir, I'm afraid...

Thingol: Yes, yes, you lost it to a puppy, Finrod here told me all about it already.

Morauthien: Really, and how did he know?

Finrod: Er... I read the script.

Beren: There is a script?

Thingol: Forget about that script, pay attention to the important stuff. We're going to have a hunt! Some idiot gave the puppy something he didn't digested very well.

Beren: Um but the sillymaril? My promise?

Thingol: Of no importance now, Beren. Can't you see i'm trying to organise a hunt here?

Morauthien: *smartly* So... there's no problem with Beren and I getting married without the sillymaril?

Thingol: *paying attention to his check list for the hunt* No, no, no problem at all. Go get married, honey, just be sure to get it done before we leave for the pick nick... er hunt.

Morauthien: Yes!

*Beren and Morauthien quickly head off to the nearest chapel before Thingol changes his mind, leaving the King to preparing his hunt.*

Thingol: Somehow... I have the feeling I said something I shouldn't have....

[Count Comfect]

*On the hunt, Thingol gets even more suspicious*

Thingol: Daughter, why are you grinning so widely?

Morauthien: Nothing, father. Nothing at all.

Thingol: What's that on your hand? Is that a wedding ri... OH NO! You did NOT just marry that ... Beren was it? ... did you?

Morauthien: Um... you said I could...

Thingol: Without my sillymaril? Not bloody likely!!

Finrod: Actually, you did.

*hands Thingol the script*

Thingol: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Finrod Felagund]

Finrod: Pay more attention Uncle Thingol!
*turning to Beleg and Mablung* So both of you, watch out for this guy named Turin and his family...and dragons...and Mablung,, dwarves can be deadly...

Mablung: Dwarves are our friends...

Beleg: You don't have any friends, nobody likes you...I mean, yeah, we trade with the dwarves, and what dragons? Who the heck is Turin?!?

Finrod: Nevermind...Hey Thingol, we've gotta find Huan the giant Chihuahua or we'll fail.

Huan: *runs up* yipyipyipyipyipyipyipyipyipyipyipyipyipyip...

Finrod: Did he have to show up so soon?

[Mango]

Finrod: Have at thee, mighty beast! Feel the wrath of my sword!

*Haun, whose tongue is the size of medium sized table, licks Finrod literally from head to toe. *

Finrod: GARGH! MY ITALIAN LEATHER JERKIN!! NO!!!

*Haun rolls onto stomach limbs flailing dangerously in the air.*

Morauthien: *Using both hands to scratch Haun's mammoth belly* Oh, he's just a sweet puppy! Yes he is! Oh yes oh yes oh yes he is! Just a sweet puppy!

Willow: Right, we all here? Now let's set off!

*And they do.

Meanwhile, else where in the world, things were not all well with Carcharoth, the Red Maw. For the Sillymaril sat in the belly of the of the Jaws of Thirst, and proceeded to make his tummy ache.*

Carcharoth: *thinking* Uuuhhh…shouldn’t have eaten those…enchiladas… and TLA chocolate. They must have poisoned….

*Nearby a small, fuzzy grey and white flop-eared rabbit poked her head out of her whole. Her name was Bun Bun and she beheld Carcharoth looking a little green around the edges.*

Bun Bun: ...can I help you?

*All at once Carcharoth realized the glittery shiny object that he devoured a few hours back resembled the glittery shiny objects on his master’s crown. The Sillymarils, infamous for their ability to detract and lighten the mood of any who held them, must have been working powerful magics within his body. As he was a dark magic construct, this was not a good thing. He must, he thought, return immediately to his master and have them removed from his body. Then his master would be all-powerful again and there would none to stop him in his evil quest! *

But all that came out was:

Carcharoth: Sillymarils….

Bun Bun: *Affronted* Your mama’s a Sillymaril! *Goes back into hole* Hm. Wonder what a Sillymaril is…

Carcharoth: Mmamaaaa….?*disappears behind bush and is violently sick*

Bun Bun: Melkor just doesn’t make them like he used to. *Bun Bun comes back up to check out the Red Raw and see if he had any cash on him. To her inquisitive eyes appeared a shiny round object in a green puddle near Carcharoth’s head. * Ew. But. So shiny…but covered in...ugh…but…shiny…*Finally, Bun Bun compromised at wiping the thing off with a leaf and sticking it into her rabbit pocket. Carcharoth stirred *

Bun Bun: Time to get outta here! *bounces away *

[Count Comfect]

*Wth the currently "setting off" group of Elves, Man and, apparently, TLAers*

Maggie: Jinx?

*Indeed, the sillymaril-stealing cat is visible, urgently trying to cover something up*

Thingol: What in BELERIAND is that SMELL!

*The entire company begins fainting and gagging from the fumes of Carcharoth's vomit*

Beren: *gagging and speaking, somehow, simulataneously* But where's my sillymaril?

Eärniel: Goood Jinx, lead us to the sillymaril...

*But Jinx, like any other obtuse cat, just sat down and took a bath*

Maggie: Would you stop? You're just encouraging Jinx to not help!

*Sorry*

[Arcala]

Arcala: C'mon Jinx, where's the sillymaril?

Bird: No use wasting your breath on that one anyway.

Arcala: *impatient* C'mon or I'll have Bird peck you on the ear...

Bird: HEY! NO WAY AM I TOUCHING THAT EAR! THAT EAR IS DIIRRRRRRRRTTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jinx: *looks up*

Bird: Er...I....meantthatinaniceway!

Jinx: *growls*

Jinx *POUNCES!*

Bird: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Arcala: *sighs*

[Count Comfect]

Tano: Bird! Arcala! Jinx! Stop it.

Eärniel: Look!

*points in the direction of the quarreling three*

Maggie: Eärniel, we already know that they're fighting.

Eärniel: No, behind that!

Tano: Oh, you mean Carcharoth!

Beren: Carcharoth! Where? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

*And Beren ran. Like a girl.*

Almost Entire TLA: HEY! we're girls and we don't run like that!

*Fine. Beren ran. Like an extremely effeminate, but still male, boy*

TLA: Better.

*Unfortunately, Beren had not looked before he had run, and he ran straight into the puppy of Morgoth*

*thump*

[Christiana]

Beren: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Carcharoth:*snarl*

*The TLA hide behind trees, leaving Beren alone to face The Red Maw*

Huan:YipyipyipyipyipyipYIP!*runs toward Carcharoth

*OR not....*

[Willow Oran]

*Some hours later...*

Huan and Carcharoth are still going at it while Beren is caught in the middle attempting to help Huan, hinder Carcharoth and not get ripped to shreds in the process. This has been going on for quite some time so when the noise of the fight suddenly stops it takes a moment for that fact to register in the minds of the TLA.

Earniel: Is it over?

Tano: Sounds like it.

*people slowly come out from various hiding places and stop when they see the scene before them*

Willow: Oh no... Morauthien is not going to like this.

Finrod: On the good side... He did manage to get the Sillymaril...

Willow: I think perhaps we should do something with the bodies, like cleaning them up perhaps, before the funerals...

Tano: Yeah, right, of course, respect for the dead an' all that. Start gathering up some branches we're gonna need a litter or two to get them home on.

[Count Comfect]

*As the TLA clean up the bodies and prepare them to go back for proper burial in some form, Morauthien crawls out of her hiding spot*

Morauthien: So what happene... NO! Beren!

*She throws herself on the body and sobs uncontrollably*

Tano: Actually, she's already stopped.

*Just wait*

Tano: Riiiight...

*Morauthien begins to wail along the lines of Why him not me? and Don't go where I can't follow!*

*Hah*

[Christiana]

Christiana: *sighs*alas! I fear that she has suffered a wound that even

chocolate can not mend.*thinks a moment* well, it couldnt hurt. have some

chocolate Morauthien!*hands Morauthien a chocolate bar*

[Finrod Felagund]

Morauthien stops crying momentrily. Suddenly she drops dead.

Finrod: Oh dear...

Thingol: OH SHE DIED OF CHOCOLATE!

Finrod: Grief...she died of grief!

[Count Comfect]

*at the Halls of Mandos*

Anonymous bureaucrat Maia: Next case!

Beren: Yes, Beren son of Barahir?

ABM: Eldar or Edain?

Beren: Edain.

ABM: OK, death, eh? Sign here...

Morauthien: *appears* NO!

ABM: What now? Wait your turn.

Morauthien: NO!!!! That's my husband! I demand that we be allowed back into Middle Earth!

ABM: I do not have time for irregular requests. Please move alon...

Morauthien: *wails*

ABM: Fine, fine... I do have one "couple requesting reprieve of Gift of Man" form here. Take it and go away!

Morauthien and Beren: Yay!

*They move to Tol Galen, and set up and anti-TLA fence. It works. For a while...*


OOC: OK, I do think that basically finishes up Beren and Luthien. If anyone objects to it being done, flashback. Onward, excelsior!

[Christiana]

*So it was that alone of the Elves she has died indeed, and left the world long ago-

Christiana"awwwwwww. thats so sad!"

*Shutup. Your ruining the atmosphere. -Yet in her choive the Two Kindreds have been joined, and she is the forerunner of many in whom the Eldar see yer, though all the world is changed, the chocolatolism of Morauthien the wacko, whom they have lost*

[Count Comfect]

*In those days Claedhros, child of Fëanor became uplifted of heart, seeing that Morgoth was not unassailable...*

TLA: But Beren and Luthien DIED assailing him, idiot!

*Shaddup. Yet Morgoth would destroy them all, one by one, if they could not again unite... and so began those counsels that are known and the Union of Claedhros*

Claedhros: Hey, Orodreth, help me wipe out the biggest source of evil in all of creation?

Orodreth: Who was your father? *checks narration* Nuh-uh. Nothing doing. You're worse than Morgoth to me!

Claedhros: Darn. Have to go behind his back. Yo, Thingol, how about you? I mean, sorry about that whole "You have no right to the Sillymaril your son-in-law paid his life for" thing.

Thingol: Got lost, creep.

*And things did not go well for Claedhros*

TLA: We noticed.

[Earniel]

Claedhros: *bravely*Well, you're not going to stop me!

TLA: *calmly* Weren't planning on.

*Claedhros had allies in the Dwarves and Men but still her armies are rather tiny compared to what they could have been. And the TLA seems to be planning on doing nothing much. In fact, they brought out a few beach chairs and just sat there in a row, drinking some cocoa-drinks with a straw, wearing sunglasses and looking slightly bored onto the amassments of armies.*

Claedhros: *getting slightly uncertain seeing the lack of enthousiasm* Well... um...I'll be going then, shall I? Cry 'Auta i lómë' and more of those fashionable Elven battlecries, and get crushed and scattered like leaves in the wind and such?

*You forgot being betrayed by your human allies and suffering a massive military defeat.*

Claedhros: *shoulders sagging* Right...

Willow: I've got an idea. Let's try something differently this time, shall we?

*Willow whips out a little flat, black box with buttons from a pocket. She ignores the frightened cries of 'The one Mobile!' from various TLA-members and points the box towards the battlefield. She presses a button. Suddenly the whole battlescene in front of them speeds up. Whole armies of Elves, Men, Dwarves and Orcs sweep up and vanish in high speed-blur, people talk with those highpitched Chip and Dale cartoon-voices.*

Tano: A VCR-remote! Nifty.

Willow: I should think so. All this battling and killing is bad for our...

Eärniel: Appetite?

Willow: I was going to say rating but appetite works as well...

Eärniel: We're getting rated on this thing? I hate exams!

Willow: *sighs* Not that kind of rating; Eärniel....

Ren: Wait, the battle's over, you're going too far! Rewind! Rewind!

*But before Willow has the chance to rewind the scenery around them changes from a battlefield to a woodland. Bird chirp. Leaves whisper and not far from their beach chairs stands a lonely house.*

Finrod: Was the scenery supposed to do that?

Willow: I don't know...

Arcala: Rewind!

Willow: *shakes remote* I can't, the batteries have run down. Do you know what it takes to fast forward a battle?

Christiana: So, where are we now?

Eärniel: I don't know how much we went ahead in time, but I'm guessing Dor-lómin...

[Finrod Felagund]

Finrod: So, lets see, Fingon is dead, Hurin is captured and we're here for what again?