The Jokes Thread - Page 17

Artanis · 10-15-2003, 05:31 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Insidious Rex
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment)

Hee-hee. Good one.

hectorberlioz · 10-20-2003, 11:21 PM

This is a russian joke.
A man finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie comes out. He grants the man 1 wish. "but" the genie says "whatever you wish for; your neighbour gets double.
"ok." says the man "take one of my eyes out".

***Sister Golden Hair*** · 10-22-2003, 10:12 PM

A Chicagoan in Hell
>
>
>A Chicagoan dies and is sent to Hell.
>
>He had been a horrible man his entire life.
>
>The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To
make
>it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.
>
>After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he
is
>suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Chicagoan is happily
>swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.
>
>The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've
turned
>the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so
happy?"
>
>The Chicagoan, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This
is
>great! It reminds me of August in Chicago. Hot, humid, a good place to

>work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"
>

>The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Chicagoan's
>remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving
rain
>and torrential wind.
>
>Clowing into his eyes, the Chicagoan is happily slogging through the
mud
>pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.
>
>Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.
>
>The Chicagoan replies, "This is great! Just like April in Chicago. It
>reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"
>
>The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the
>Chicagoan suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is
>blanketed in snow and ice.
>
>Confident that this will surely make the Chicagoan unhappy, the devil
>checks in on the Chicagoan. He is again aghast at what he sees.
>
>The Chicagoan is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he

>cavorts in glee.
>
>"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams
the
>devil.
>

>Jumping up and down the Chicagoan throws a snowball at the devil and
yells,
>"Hell's frozen over!! This means the Cubs won the World Series!! "

Brill · 10-23-2003, 07:02 PM

Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

10. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00.

9. You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

8. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

7. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. So that, with a little help from Muzak, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

4. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

3. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

2. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

And the Number One reason to go to work naked....

1. No one ever steals your chair.

***Sister Golden Hair*** · 10-25-2003, 02:00 AM

Ed Zachary Disease
>
> A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or
> any
> sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong
> with
> her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
> Her
> doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist,
Dr.
>
> Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr.

> Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was
> told.
> "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again,
> the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now
craw
> reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head
> slowly
> and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse
case I
>
> ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked

> anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr.
Chang
>
> sighed deeply, and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look
Ed
>
> Zachary like your butt."

Artanis · 10-25-2003, 09:08 AM

My neighbour is looking for a good home for a very special dog. It's really lovable and friendly with the kids, but his wife says the dog makes her nervous when it stares at her and she wants it out of the house. I've attached a picture. Let me know if you or anyone you know may be interested.

Cheers

Ruinel · 10-25-2003, 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Sister Golden Hair
A Chicagoan in Hell
.....
>"Hell's frozen over!! This means the Cubs won the World Series!! "

BWAHAHAAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

hawaiidevil · 10-30-2003, 02:59 AM

In honor of the work-a-holic Ruinel, some office humor.

A little work time prayer

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The courage to change things I can not accept,

And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,As they may be connected to the ass that I might have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work:

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Friday

And help me remember....

When I'm having a really bad day,

And it seems that everyone is trying especially hard to piss me off,

That it takes 42 muscles to frown

And only 4 to flip them the finger.

hawaiidevil · 10-30-2003, 03:08 AM

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. Well, one day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

Anadriewen · 11-20-2003, 09:20 PM

There was a blonde who was trying to put together this really hard puzzle but she just coulden't figure it out. She tried for hours and hours but still, it didn't make any sence. So finally she calls her husband,and says "Honey, i'm having trouble with this really hard puzzle, could youcome home and help me?" So her husband comes home. When he sees her at the table trying to fit the pieces togther he says, "Sweety, put the cornflakes back in the box!"

Linaewen · 11-23-2003, 06:24 AM

I remember that, Baby-K posted it before. [Referring to last post]

Isengard

GrayMouser · 11-23-2003, 11:53 AM

Quasimodo wants to take a holiday, so he puts up a sign outside the cathedral of Notre Dame looking for a temporary substitute; "Bell-ringer wanted, must be hunchback etc...."

So this guy comes in, and he's a hunchback, but he doesn't have any arms.

Quasimodo looks at him, says "Is this some kind of joke?"

"No, no, I really need this job, and I can do it. Watch"

He runs across the tower and dives headfirst straight at the bell... BONG!

And he stands up, his lip is cut, his eye's swelling up...

Quasimodo says "No way, I don't believe it, forget it "

The armless guy says "Look, you think it's easy for a guy like me to find work? C'mon, I'll show you again."

Runs across the floor, dives, and... BONG.

And his nose is bent, his mouth's bleeding.."See? I can do it!"

Quasimodo: "Okay,you must be desperate. Show me one more time and the job's yours"

Guy goes running across the tower again but this time slips in his own blood, misses, and plunges out of the tower.

And the ambulance comes, and the police, and one of the cops asks Quasimodo, " So what's up? Who was this guy?"

And Quasimodo answers, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

GrayMouser · 11-23-2003, 12:01 PM

Quasimodo Part Deux

So he's still looking for a sub, and lo and behold, ANOTHER armless hunchback shows up.

Quasimodo can't believe it, says "Hey, there was another guy in here yesterday..."

The second armless guy says, "Yeah, that was my twin, so I figured the job might still be open."

Quasimodo sighs, says "Okay, give me a demo."

The guy uses the same technique, runs across the tower, but misses on the first try, and down he goes.

And the ambulance comes, and the police, and the cop says "Quasimodo, not again! Now who was it this time?"

And Quasimodo says, "I'm not sure, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Ruinel · 12-07-2003, 08:16 PM

Go to
www.google.com
type "miserable failure" (with the quotation marks)
hit the [I'm feeling lucky] button.

thranduil · 12-07-2003, 08:19 PM

a man hears his doorbell ring, so he answers the door and there is a snail sitting on his porch looking at him. The man immediately picks up the snail and throws him as far as he can. 3 years later his doorbell rings. He opens it and the snail is sitting on his porch, then says "what was that for?"

I know its very lame.

Ruinel · 12-07-2003, 09:06 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by hawaiidevil
In honor of the work-a-holic Ruinel, some office humor.

A little work time prayer

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The courage to change things I can not accept,

And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,As they may be connected to the ass that I might have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work:

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Friday

And help me remember....

When I'm having a really bad day,

And it seems that everyone is trying especially hard to piss me off,

That it takes 42 muscles to frown

And only 4 to flip them the finger.

BWHAHAHAA!!! I can't believe I just found this today.

**Nurvingiel** · 12-07-2003, 10:19 PM

I love those work quote things.
Another version is:

Remember it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 9 to extend your arm and smack the person who's pissing you off upside the head.

Ruinel · 12-10-2003, 03:05 PM

A little girl asked her father if she could take the family dog for a walk. But the father, being concerned that the dog was in heat, said no. After a long period of whining by the little girl to take the dog out, the father finally agreed, but he would need to help the dog out first. He brought the dog to the garage and poured gasoline on the dog's back, while the little girl waited patiently, thinking that the strong smell would overcome the scent of her heat. He then told the little girl not to go too far, and sent them on their walk.

When the little girl came home, the father asked her how her walk was. The little girl responded, "it was fun, but I think she ran out of gas... because another doggie had to jump on her back and push her all the way back home."

Bilbo · 12-11-2003, 12:01 PM

I hope nobody thinks I'm being racist. I'm not.
I'm being critical instead.

Michael Jackson was on a cruise, when it started to sink. The captain and the crew got on a lifeboat, when one crew member said 'Where's Michael?'
The captain replied 'I saw him hanging onto a buoy.'

***Valandil*** · 12-11-2003, 04:09 PM

Elderly couple: the man was getting quite concerned about his wife's hearing loss, so they scheduled a series of tests for her. Their doctor took the man aside and told him it would be a couple weeks before the tests could be done, but that he could do a simple test at home. He was to speak to her in a conversational tone from a distance, and move ten feet closer to her and repeat, until she heard him and responded.

So that evening, while his wife was making dinner, the man figured he was about 40' away from her and asked her in a normal conversational tone; "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

He got up and moved 10' closer and tried again from 30'; "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response.

He moved to just 20' from her and again said, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Getting quite concerned, he went to just 10' away from her and asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Once again, no response.

Actually a bit irritated, he stood right beside her and asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replied, "Dangit Earl, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

10-20-2003, 11:21 PM	#322
hectorberlioz Master of Orchestration President Emeritus of Entmoot 2004-2008 Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Lost in the Opera House Posts: 9,328	This is a russian joke. A man finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie comes out. He grants the man 1 wish. "but" the genie says "whatever you wish for; your neighbour gets double. "ok." says the man "take one of my eyes out". __________________ ACALEWIA- President of Entmoot hectorberlioz- Vice President of Entmoot Acaly und Hektor fur Presidants fur EntMut fur life! Join the discussion at Entmoot Election 2010. "Stupidissimo!"~Toscanini The Da CINDY Code The Epic Poem Of The Balrog of Entmoot: Here ~NEW! ~ Thinking of summer vacation? AboutNewJersey.com - NJ Travel & Tourism Guide

10-22-2003, 10:12 PM	#323
*Sister Golden Hair* Queen of Nargothrond Administrator Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Akron, Ohio - USA Posts: 7,121	A Chicagoan in Hell > > >A Chicagoan dies and is sent to Hell. > >He had been a horrible man his entire life. > >The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make >it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity. > >After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is >suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Chicagoan is happily >swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. > >The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned >the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?" > >The Chicagoan, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is >great! It reminds me of August in Chicago. Hot, humid, a good place to >work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!" > >The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Chicagoan's >remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain >and torrential wind. > >Clowing into his eyes, the Chicagoan is happily slogging through the mud >pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. > >Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. > >The Chicagoan replies, "This is great! Just like April in Chicago. It >reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!" > >The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the >Chicagoan suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is >blanketed in snow and ice. > >Confident that this will surely make the Chicagoan unhappy, the devil >checks in on the Chicagoan. He is again aghast at what he sees. > >The Chicagoan is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he >cavorts in glee. > >"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams the >devil. > >Jumping up and down the Chicagoan throws a snowball at the devil and yells, >"Hell's frozen over!! This means the Cubs won the World Series!! " __________________ "Whither go you?" she said. "North away." he said: "to the swords, and the siege, and the walls of defence - that yet for a while in Beleriand rivers may run clean, leaves spring, and birds build their nests, ere Night comes." AboutNewJersey.com - New Jersey Travel and Tourism Guide

10-23-2003, 07:02 PM	#324
Brill Elven Warrior Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Chateau d'lf Posts: 122	Sister Golden Hair--BAD! That was mean...:) Top 10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked 10. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00. 9. You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 8. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 7. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 6. You want to see if it's like the dream. 5. So that, with a little help from Muzak, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume. 4. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 3. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 2. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. And the Number One reason to go to work naked.... 1. No one ever steals your chair. __________________ A boy's will is the wind's will, and the thoughts of youth are long, long thoughts.

10-25-2003, 02:00 AM	#325
*Sister Golden Hair* Queen of Nargothrond Administrator Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Akron, Ohio - USA Posts: 7,121	Ed Zachary Disease > > A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or > any > sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong > with > her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. > Her > doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. > > Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. > Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was > told. > "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, > the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw > reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head > slowly > and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I > > ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked > anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang > > sighed deeply, and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed > > Zachary like your butt." __________________ "Whither go you?" she said. "North away." he said: "to the swords, and the siege, and the walls of defence - that yet for a while in Beleriand rivers may run clean, leaves spring, and birds build their nests, ere Night comes." AboutNewJersey.com - New Jersey Travel and Tourism Guide

10-30-2003, 02:59 AM	#328
hawaiidevil Sapling Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 13	In honor of the work-a-holic Ruinel, some office humor. A little work time prayer Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, The courage to change things I can not accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,As they may be connected to the ass that I might have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday 23% on Tuesday 40% on Wednesday 20% on Thursday 5% on Friday And help me remember.... When I'm having a really bad day, And it seems that everyone is trying especially hard to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown And only 4 to flip them the finger. __________________ Tra la la la la

10-30-2003, 03:08 AM	#329
hawaiidevil Sapling Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 13	Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. Well, one day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags." __________________ Tra la la la la

11-20-2003, 09:20 PM	#330
Anadriewen Enting Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: I'm not telling Posts: 56	There was a blonde who was trying to put together this really hard puzzle but she just coulden't figure it out. She tried for hours and hours but still, it didn't make any sence. So finally she calls her husband,and says "Honey, i'm having trouble with this really hard puzzle, could youcome home and help me?" So her husband comes home. When he sees her at the table trying to fit the pieces togther he says, "Sweety, put the cornflakes back in the box!" __________________ Sorry for not posting in such a long time. Long story short i forgot my password.

11-23-2003, 06:24 AM	#331
Linaewen Fair Dinkum Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Houston, TX Posts: 2,319	I remember that, Baby-K posted it before. [Referring to last post] Isengard

11-23-2003, 11:53 AM	#332
GrayMouser Elf Lord Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Ilha Formosa Posts: 2,068	Quasimodo wants to take a holiday, so he puts up a sign outside the cathedral of Notre Dame looking for a temporary substitute; "Bell-ringer wanted, must be hunchback etc...." So this guy comes in, and he's a hunchback, but he doesn't have any arms. Quasimodo looks at him, says "Is this some kind of joke?" "No, no, I really need this job, and I can do it. Watch" He runs across the tower and dives headfirst straight at the bell... BONG! And he stands up, his lip is cut, his eye's swelling up... Quasimodo says "No way, I don't believe it, forget it " The armless guy says "Look, you think it's easy for a guy like me to find work? C'mon, I'll show you again." Runs across the floor, dives, and... BONG. And his nose is bent, his mouth's bleeding.."See? I can do it!" Quasimodo: "Okay,you must be desperate. Show me one more time and the job's yours" Guy goes running across the tower again but this time slips in his own blood, misses, and plunges out of the tower. And the ambulance comes, and the police, and one of the cops asks Quasimodo, " So what's up? Who was this guy?" And Quasimodo answers, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell." __________________ Glendower: I can call spirits from the vasty deep. Hotspur: Why, so can I, or so can any man; But will they come when you do call for them? "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us, cats look down on us, but pigs treat us as equals."- Winston Churchill

11-23-2003, 12:01 PM	#333
GrayMouser Elf Lord Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Ilha Formosa Posts: 2,068	Quasimodo Part Deux So he's still looking for a sub, and lo and behold, ANOTHER armless hunchback shows up. Quasimodo can't believe it, says "Hey, there was another guy in here yesterday..." The second armless guy says, "Yeah, that was my twin, so I figured the job might still be open." Quasimodo sighs, says "Okay, give me a demo." The guy uses the same technique, runs across the tower, but misses on the first try, and down he goes. And the ambulance comes, and the police, and the cop says "Quasimodo, not again! Now who was it this time?" And Quasimodo says, "I'm not sure, but he's a dead ringer for his brother." __________________ Glendower: I can call spirits from the vasty deep. Hotspur: Why, so can I, or so can any man; But will they come when you do call for them? "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us, cats look down on us, but pigs treat us as equals."- Winston Churchill Last edited by GrayMouser : 11-23-2003 at 12:04 PM.

12-07-2003, 08:16 PM	#334
Ruinel Banned Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: I have no idea. Posts: 5,441	Go to www.google.com type "miserable failure" (with the quotation marks) hit the [I'm feeling lucky] button.

12-07-2003, 08:19 PM	#335
thranduil Elven Warrior Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 345	a man hears his doorbell ring, so he answers the door and there is a snail sitting on his porch looking at him. The man immediately picks up the snail and throws him as far as he can. 3 years later his doorbell rings. He opens it and the snail is sitting on his porch, then says "what was that for?" I know its very lame.

12-10-2003, 03:05 PM	#338
Ruinel Banned Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: I have no idea. Posts: 5,441	doggie ran out of gas A little girl asked her father if she could take the family dog for a walk. But the father, being concerned that the dog was in heat, said no. After a long period of whining by the little girl to take the dog out, the father finally agreed, but he would need to help the dog out first. He brought the dog to the garage and poured gasoline on the dog's back, while the little girl waited patiently, thinking that the strong smell would overcome the scent of her heat. He then told the little girl not to go too far, and sent them on their walk. When the little girl came home, the father asked her how her walk was. The little girl responded, "it was fun, but I think she ran out of gas... because another doggie had to jump on her back and push her all the way back home."

12-11-2003, 12:01 PM	#339
Bilbo Enting Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: The Last Homely House Posts: 52	I hope nobody thinks I'm being racist. I'm not. I'm being critical instead. Michael Jackson was on a cruise, when it started to sink. The captain and the crew got on a lifeboat, when one crew member said 'Where's Michael?' The captain replied 'I saw him hanging onto a buoy.' __________________ Does God play The Sims?

12-11-2003, 04:09 PM	#340
*Valandil* High King at Annuminas Administrator Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Wyoming - USA Posts: 10,752	Elderly couple: the man was getting quite concerned about his wife's hearing loss, so they scheduled a series of tests for her. Their doctor took the man aside and told him it would be a couple weeks before the tests could be done, but that he could do a simple test at home. He was to speak to her in a conversational tone from a distance, and move ten feet closer to her and repeat, until she heard him and responded. So that evening, while his wife was making dinner, the man figured he was about 40' away from her and asked her in a normal conversational tone; "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. He got up and moved 10' closer and tried again from 30'; "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response. He moved to just 20' from her and again said, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Getting quite concerned, he went to just 10' away from her and asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Once again, no response. Actually a bit irritated, he stood right beside her and asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replied, "Dangit Earl, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!" Last edited by Valandil : 12-12-2003 at 12:02 PM.

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