Tolkien Lover Anonymous 3, The Sil(ly)marillion

[Finrod Felagund]

This is an addition to Earniel's post

*So when the TLA peacefully slept, Morauthien and Beren had reached Sauronkatt's destroyed lair. They go through Sauronkatt's wardrobe and take an urple cloak and a floorrug as disguise.
Finrod looked back at his island one last time, and saw Beren and Morauthien.*

Finrod: CRAP! They're gonna get themselves killed! They already got me killed...


Beren: Why is Finrod's grave dug up?

Morauthien: Ewwww!

Finrod: *rides up* I return to you now, at the turn of the tide.

Beren&Morauthien: Ooooohh...poetic.

Finrod: Guys, be careful, okay, I'll try to keep the TLA from noticing you've gone.

Beren: Thank Eru. Fare thee well Finrod, oh noblest of friends.

Morauthien: Yea, catch'ya later.

*Then they head over to the Thangorodrim.*

Beren: *pulls rug around him* Alright, I'll go first. I'd rather wish you didn't come too, but I suppose I can't stop you.

Morauthien: Beren-honey, please! Start living in the First Age now, I don't believe in the old role-patterns.

Beren: Very well, here goes nothing. *sneeks in Thangorodrim and enters Morgoth and Ulrica's throneroom*

Morauthien: *pulls urple cloak around her* Ug- urple is so not my colour.... *sneaks in after Beren*

*And meanwhile the TLA peacefully sleep still miles away, near the border of Doriath.*

TLA: Grrzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......ards


OOC: I added to your post, hope it's ok Earniel...

[Arcala]

*Suddenly, one of the TLA did indeed wake up. And it was the Elf and her Bird!

Arcala: *groggily* Wh-what? Wait... How many TIMES Have I told you not to call me elf! I've got a name, you know!

Bird: And don't call me bird!

*Well, what can I say, your owner hasn't given you a name yet.*

Arcala: Oh be quiet. C'mon guys, onwards! To glorious Victory!

*crickets*

Arcala: *notices the cheerfully snoring rest of TLA* Oh. Well...

*she sits down, starts playing with pebbles and waits for the TLA to awaken.*

[Willow Oran]

*finally, gradually the TLA began to wake up...*

Willow: *yawns* Wha...? Where'd Morauthien and Beren go?

Tano: *sits up suddenly* You mean they got away? We've got to follow them they can't do this alone, there are things that need to be arranged, get aways and such!

Willow: We'd better wake the others up, *spots Arcala* Help wake everyone, we've lazed around enough, it's time to MOVE!

[Christiana]

*Christiana sits up*

Christa:what is it? im tired.

Willow: Mourathien and Beren have given us the slip!quick, wake everybody up!

*Christa throws a pinecone at sleeping forms.*

[Earniel]

*Meanwhile back at the Thangorodrim, Beren skillfully sneaks in, undetected.*

Orc: Halt!

Beren: *whispers angrily to narrator* You said 'undetected'!

*Sorry.*

Orc: What is your name?

Beren: Ber.. Big unnamed werewolf?

Orc: Fair enough. What is your quest?

Beren:*suspicious*Is this a trick question to see through my disguise?

Orc: No.

Beren: Okay then, my quest is to conquer a silmaril.

Orc: What is- hold on a second, werewolves aren't supposed to speak!

Beren: Er... meow?

Orc: Or meow for that matter!

Beren: Dang Um... growl?

Orc: *thinks* That's close enough. You may pass.

Beren: Thanks er...*cough* Growls.

*Beren enters the throneroom where Melkor is sulking alone for the moment. He takes place next to Melkor's throne, in the rug of the werewolf. Then Morauthien enters the Thangorodrim and is also stopped by the orc.*

Orc: Halt! What is your name?

Morauthien: Why?

Orc: Er... What?

Morauthien: Why do you want to know my name?

Orc: *thinks* I don't remember anymore....

Morauthien: Then you'll have no problem with it that I'm just going to pass?

Orc: *still confused* Yeah, sure...

*And so also Morauthien enters Melkor's throneroom. But as she slips in the dark lord spots her.*

[Arcala]

Arcala: *already nodding off again* Wh-What? No I'm not, you stupid narrator! I am WIDE awake! *To prove her point she jumps over to nearest sleeping TLAers with the intention of waking them up. Unfortunately she falls over a tree root on the way and lands sprawled upon the ground.*

Arcala: What...oww.

*Ha. Shows you.*

Arcala: Rrrrr.....

*But she is interrupted in her quest for vengence by, er, Willow!*

Willow: C'mon Arcala, help me wake up the others.

Arcala: Oh fine...but I'll get you next time!

*And together they wake up the remaining TLAers.*

[Christiana]

Christa: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! they're getting away!!!

Tano: calm down christa

*Christa takes several deep breaths*

Christa: come on TLA, we got to catch up with them. They don't know about Mr. Nelson yet!

[goldiegollum]

*GG pokes her head down (upside down) from the foliage of the tree...the one whose root Arcala tripped over)*

GG:OOOh! Peapoles are awake! *drops down from tree, landing deftly on all fours*

*rubbing her head, GG stood up dazedly, trying to see past the blatches of black and stars*

GG: Excuse me! I landed on my hands and feet thank you!*rubbs head* anyhow, I was doing something useful for once! I climbed ot the top of the tree, to see which way they went. and i saw. And i come back down to report now that others are awake.

Christa: Good! Which way did they go?

GG: Ummm... well you see you lot slept for quite a while after they passed out of view and....umm...it didn't really heip my memory when the narrator had me land deftly on my hands and feet and somehow end up on my head

WIllow: so you don't know?

GG: erm...no.

[Finrod Felagund]

*Finrod rode towards Nargothrond*

Finrod: No I didn't

*yes you did*

Finrod: No I didn't

*yes you did*

Finrod: Do you remmeber the substitute narrator?

*ummm...*

Finrod: yup, what I thought, now I ride towards the TLA camp.

*So Finrod rode off towards the TLA camp*

Finrod: Thank you.

*grrrr...*

[Christiana]

*Christa and the TLA move out slowly*

Christa: Excuse me?

*Christa and the TLA move out very slowly*

Christa: Ahem..

*Christa and the TLA move out at a moderate pace*

Christa: I can sing annoying songs all day if you keep this up

*So? why should I care?*

Christa: I can get Earniel to sing songs

*Christa and the TLA moved out extemely quickly*

Christa: Much better

*As they were frantically hurrying after Beren and Mourathien, they met up with Finrod Felegund*

TLA: so, you decided not to die too?

[Earniel]

OOC: I'm so proud, my singing has become famous.

IC:

*Back In Morgoth's Hall:*

Melkor: *spots Morauthien* Who are you?

Morauthien: Um...me? Nobody! I mean I'm just passing by, don't mind me.

Melkor: *unconvinced* Passing by? In the my own throne room in my own dark fortress far away from Elven lands? Through countless legions of orcs and creatures so evil, words can not describe their evilness?

Morauthien:*cheerily* Yes, amazing isn't it?

Melkor: *peers closer* Is that you, Sauronkatt? In that case, I thought I had asked you not to come here. Ulrica is suspicious enough of me as it is already!

Morauthien: *slightly insulted and throws off urple cloak* I'm not Sauronkatt, I am Morauthien, fairest of all Elves!

Melkor: Then why were you wearing Sauronkatt's urple cloak?

Morauthien: *raises head high* Fashion statement.

Melkor: *slightly speechless* I see.

Morauthien: *holding her sleep-giving cloak* But this cloak is much better isn't it? It's magical.

Melkor:*interested* It is? What does it do?

*With a swift movement Morauthien throws her cloak over Melkors face. The Vala falls down from his throne with a crash and lies on the ground with his thumb in his mouth. Beren stands up and throws off his rug. Morauthien hands him a knife which he uses to start prying the sillymarils from Melkor's crown. *

[Christiana]

Beren succesfully pries a sillymaril from the crown. Unfortunatly, The TLA has just arrived at the fortress, and are convinced that the twain need their help to succeed.

Christa: So what do we do, just march in there?

Earniel: I'm not sure. Have some chocolate. It always helps one think

Christa: Thanks.*She munches away on a candy bar. However, the rest of the TLA see her*

All: Oooooohhhh...Where'd you get the chocolate?

Christa: From the packs. There is still quite a bit left there.

*The TLA start to joustle, pulling and tugging the packs to try to get at the chocolate. Unfortunately, they are so noisy, what with Huan yapping and all, that Morogoth stirs deep in his chamber*

Beren:Oh no.Its them. Why on earth are they shouting about chocolate?

Morauthien: Chocolate?! Where?!She jumps up, but as she does so she trips over Beren. The knife with which he his carving out the sillymarils snaps. Morogoth mutter, and begins to wake up. Unheeding, Morauthien drags Beren and the sillymaril along, out the door*

Morauthien:Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate. WHERE IS THE CHOCOLATE!!!!???????!!!

*Now Morauthien dear, use of multipe punctuation marks can be hazardous to your health*

Morauthien:CHOCOLATE!YUMMY!

[Earniel]

Beren: Morauthien! What -by the Valar's underwear- has gotten into you?

Morauthien: *blinks* You were saying?

Beren: You went nearly mad a few seconds ago over chocolate!

Morauthien: Yes, but chocolate happens to be jummy.

Beren: get a grip on yourself, love. You're nearly acting like those loons of the TLA!

Morauthien: *indignified* Am not!

Beren:*with determination* Are too!

Morauthien: *insulted* Am not!

Beren:*subborn* Are too!

Morauthien: *angry* Am not!

Beren:*losing patience* Are too!

Morauthien: *suddenly calmer* Am too.

Beren: Are not! *blinks*... er?

Morauthien: *victorious* Ha!

Mr. Nelson: Can the two love birds please stop bickering?

*Beren and Morauthien forget their fight and turn around. Between them and the exit stands Mr. Nelson holding a gun.*

Beren: Who are you?

Mr. Nelson: *bows*Morgoth's new adviser.

Morauthien: What is that you're holding in your hand?

Mr. Nelson: I'm glad you noticed, it's called a gun, something I invented. If I pull this trigger it goes 'pang' and a little deadly hole appears in your friend here.

Morauthien: Ha! Unlikely.

Mr. Nelson: *narrows eyes* Oh really? Why?

Morauthien: *thinks: don't say he left the safety pin on, don't say he left the safety pin on.* You left the saferypin o-do'h!

*For a second Mr. Nelson looks with some surprise at his gun, Beren takes this chance to heroically punch the man in the face who then slumps on the ground. Beren and Morauthien run to the nearest exit but Mr. Nelson -who's isn't out completely- pulls a lever that opens a cage at the entrance. [ominous music]Morgoth's lupine watchdog comes out and blocks Morauthien and Beren's only way out....[/ominous music]*

Mr. Nelson: *rubs his chin* Interesting... an Elf that knows about safety pins... I may have to look into this if Morgoth's puppy leaves anything large enough to identify, that is....

[Count Comfect]

*out springs the gigantic hound of Morgoth, Carcharoth, only foe worthy of Huan the chihuahua, ready to gnash the bones of...*

Morauthien: Hey, you said a puppy!

*Er. Sorry. Out springs the rather small (for a hellhound), but still tough-looking puppy of Morgoth, ready to gnash the bones of any intruder. It spies Beren and Morauthien, and turns on them*

Beren: *holding up the sillymaril* Get you gone and fly! For here is that which will consume you, and all evil things, the esssence of the chocolate trees of yore!"

*the puppy sniffs the sillymaril, and is about to bite it when...*

Eärniel: *running in, pursued by the rest of the TLA* NOOOOOOOOOO! The chocolate is mine!!!!

*not noticing the puppy, she holds the chocolate away from the rest of the TLA*

Beren: Not you lot again!

*the puppy turns from Beren's sillymaril and grabs the chocolate instead*

Carcharoth: *howls*

*Carcharoth had never had such good food before. A madness overcame him and he fled the hall, yelping with terror at the sweetness of the chocolate*

TLA: NO! Our CHOCOLATE!

OOC: If anyone objects to the fact that Beren still has both hands, feel free to bring Carcharoth back and have him eat the hand anyway.

[Christiana]

Christiana: NNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Willow Oran]

*Suddenly, the dastardly time traveler named Nelson pulled yet another lever and out bounded the deadly, the terrible, the most fearsome creature ever to walk the earth and-!*

Willow: Kitty?!

Jinx: Meow?

*And it sedately walked over and sniffed Beren's hand most daintly*

Jinx: *purrs*

Beren: Ah... how cute...

*he begins to pet the dangerously adorable kitty, it seemed all would be well until the beast rolled over on his back, the move that cat owners every where have learned to dread...*

Willow: No! Don't pet him on the stomach-!

*But the warning came too late*

Beren: Ah! My hand! That vicious beast bit my hand!

*Sees kitty playing will the sillymaril as if it were a common bouncy ball*

Beren: Ah! The sillymaril! It has the sillymaril!

Mouruathien: After it!

*At these words all give chase to the deceptivly swift kitten with its ill-gotten toy, Morgoth, and his futuristic, gun wielding advisor forgotten...*

OOC: Alright, so his hand didn't get bitten off, but it did get bitten, by the very cat who has tried many a time to eat my own hands... silly Jinx...

[Count Comfect]

*As the TLA chases Jinx out of his lair, Morgoth awakes*

Morgoth: So, what'd I miss?

Mr. Nelson: Umm... Beren got a sillymaril...

Morgoth: WHAT!!!!

Mr. Nelson: But! The cat stole it back from him.

Morgoth: Great! So we get the sillymaril back from Jinx, and we're good.

Mr. Nelson: errr....

Morgoth: You do know HOW to get it back from him, yes? With your modern technology and all...

Mr. Nelson: Er...

Ulrica: Morgoth, honey, I want sillymarils now... they go with my new coat!

Morgoth: NELSON!

[Katt_knome_hobbit]

*As Melkor was foaming with anger at the incompetince of his servants, Sauronkatt picked exactly the wrong time to limp in.*

Melkor: YOU! You failed me! How could you let that elf get past you, with at human no less, and a bloody annoying chiuaua!?!?!

Sauronkatt: We have underestimated the enemy yet again. We think we are supierior just because we have future technology.

Melkor: Hold your tounge.

Nelson: Yes, you slime-brained woman! You are stuck in the age before the world began!

Melkor: The Age of Stars you mean, Nelson. And you are not to disiplen my servants.

Sauronkatt: *quietly to Nelson* Where I come from we eat people like you. *Spits at Nelson's feet.*

Nelson: *quieter* And where do you come from, *hisses* Miss?

Sauronkatt: I come from a place where we don't pollute our history with unwelcomed technology.

*Nelson tried to shake his finger in Sauronkatt's face but was still holding the gun. When Sauronkatt looked shocked, he raised an eyebrow and lowered the gun.*

Nelson: You know more than you should, and when I find out how, you and any cohorts you have will be flayed alive. Medival style. *Leaves*

Sauronkatt: *Mutters* goddamngunsallovertheplace,justflauntingtheminthei rfaces *loudly* My lord!

*Melkor looked up from bickering with Ulrica.*

Sauronkatt: My Lord, I would speak with you in private.

Melkor: *A bit uneasy as Ulrica looks suspicious* What ever you have to say, you can say in front of our Lady as well.

Sauronkatt: Very well. I remember a time it was just you and I making mischief and destroying the dreams of others. We had quite a following. People wanted to follow us. I wanted to follow you. What has it come to now? Your lady has cost you half a kingdom, and while you "rule" your servants are failing you because they no longer trust you. You imprision your followers instead of enthraling them. And your most trusted servant isn't to be trusted at all. Remember this, I am your only true follower, and I will protect you from decivers. Even if you choose to throw me in prison, I will still follow you, now and always.

Melkor: Good idea about the prision. Get thee hence. *Goes back to bickering with Ulrica*

Sauronkatt: Very well. *limps off*

[Earniel]

*And so Middle-earth is treated to a most spectacular hunt as the entire TLA, momentarily joined by Beren and Morauthien, chases an insanely adorable cat that itself is chasing a shiny sillymaril as it were chasing a shiny ball of yarn.... However at the eaves of a wood, Jinx loses his pursuers. And the TLA (having not so good a condition) remain behind, and out of breath and without a sillymaril.*

Eärniel: Well..*wheeze* there...*wheeze* goes the pussy cat....

Beren:*moans* And there goes *wheeze* Morauthien's dowry...

Morauthien: *sadly*Oh Beren, what are we going to do now?

GG: *suggests brightly* Order a truckload of cat nip?

TLA: *stare*

GG: Cats like cat nip, you know.

Willow: This particular cat seems to like shiny objects as well.

Tano: Maybe it has a magpie in its ancestors....

Eärniel: Shall we get a new sillymaril in Morgoth's lair then?

Beren: What, are you insane!?

Eärniel: Yes, of course. *slightly insulted* You make it sound like it's a bad thing!

Christiana: *to Morauthien and Beren* Maybe you two should just go home.

Beren: And get run through by a prospective father-in-law?

Ren: Well you did get the Sillymaril out of Morgoth's crown.

Beren: But I'm not having it now, am I?

Arcala: Maybe you can tell Thingol you've given it in safe keeping to a dangerous cat?

[Willow Oran]

Willow: Nononono... you're all making it far too complicated. All we have to do is call kitty back over this way and then distract him with some other thing. But not catnip, catnip makes kitty vicious... *shudders and looks at scars on hand*

Arcala: Alright, call away cat lovers.

*Thus the hunters spread out through the forest, hoping desperately to find Jinx and the sillymaril before others do. And before long they do find the cat, and the sillymaril, and Huan, and Carcharoth, doing what cats and dogs and sillymarils throughout the universe do best....*

Earniel: *looks at sillymaril in the middle of the near brawling animals* Oh no...

Tano: Erm... maybe we can call them off?